Devil's Despair Box Set: Books 1-3 (62 page)

As Lacey walks out and leaves me sitting alone, I adjust the pillow and blankets on the couch and make myself comfortable sitting up. The room is dark and the sound of the shower from the bedroom is the only constant noise I hear.

Holding Lacey again tonight after so long was like playing emotional roulette. I wasn’t sure if it was being in the others’ company or just being near her, but the pull in my chest to want to keep her close was overwhelming. I miss her so much, but I fear what’s coming.

Bringing a child into any relationship is a risk. Bringing one into ours is a complete unknown. It’s not that I don’t like kids; I do. I love Madd and Deck, but only from a distance. I don’t relish the idea of taking them to practice or picking them up from school. I don’t desire to be pinned down to late nights with the sickness kids often bring home.

On the other hand, when I watch Ace hold Decklan in his lap and teach him something new, whether that be how to read or how to put a model airplane together, I do feel a pang of jealousy. Deck idolizes Ace and looks up to him as the father he should’ve always had.

Toby and Madd are pals. It’s not often you don’t find one without the other and when they aren’t together, Toby talks about him with a glowing fatherly pride.

I can only hope I feel the same about my child. I guess I’ll know soon enough.

When I walk in the bedroom and find it’s dark, I look to the bathroom door. It’s shut and the light is shining around its edges. Lacey’s still in there doing her routine she claims keeps her young. She’s twenty-one and doesn’t need all that shit. I grin to myself remembering she’s crazy.

“Hey,” she says, opening the door to find me sitting at the end of the bed facing her. “I didn’t hear you come in. Something wrong?”

“No. Come here.” I stretch my arms out to reach her, to try to close the distance between us.

Her hair is still wet and she’s wrapped in a towel, clutching the side of it as if to shield her from me. I hate it.

Looking down and standing in front of me, she questions, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” I answer, moving the towel to open it in the front. She steps back quickly, moving herself out of my reach. “The baby, Lacey. I just want to feel the baby. Nothing more.”

Timidly, she walks back to me and allows me to move the towel. She still clutches the knot at her side, holding tightly and doing it without breathing.

“I’m going to make a shitty dad.”

“No, you won’t. You’re selling yourself short, Hayden. Don’t do that.”

“I met his mother, made an arrangement to fuck her . . .”

“Exclusively,” she adds before I’m able.

“Exclusively,” I repeat.

“This is a different arrangement, Hayden.” Her hands come to my hair and she runs her fingers through it gently while coaxing me. “We’re not the same people we were then, but we’re not going to make bad parents.”

“I wish I believed you.”

“You should. I’m pretty smart.”

Leaving my hands on her stomach, I look up and find her grinning. “You’re pretty something,” I tell her.

“I’m tired. Do you want to stay in here?”

“I’ll go back out there. I’m not tired yet.”

She nods and rests her hands on my wrists, squeezing quickly so I let go and let the towel drape back over her body.

“You better get going if you’re going or you’re going to watch me get dressed and then you’ll want to make out.”

“Flirting? Really? I’m worried about being a good parent and you’re trying to seduce me?”

“Cheating? Really? I’m trying to help make you a good parent and I find out you’ve been cheating me this whole time?”

“I’ve never really cheated you, Lace. You’re being dramatic.”

She quiets as she watches me walk to the door of the bedroom then adds, “You’ve cheated yourself more than anyone, Hayden Merit. I won’t let you cheat yourself out of this.”

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

Hayden

“I’M A HOUSE!” Lacey yells, louder than necessary, as I stand behind her watching her measure her now rapidly extending belly in the bathroom mirror. Her bra has gotten tighter, causing her chest to spill over it slightly but she still glows, no matter her mood.

Always so fucking beautiful.

We’re due to be parents in less than twelve weeks. The months have gone by quickly at times and her growing stomach is the clock by which we brace for the change to come. It’s an ever-changing symbol we’ve become accustomed to studying.

Before baby or after baby, the events of our lives are being categorized around the only thing holding us together.

Not knowing what to say to a frantic woman who claims she’s a
dwelling,
I’m careful to keep it simple. “You’re not a house, Lace. You’re fine.”

Big fucking mistake. Not the thing to say.

Too late.

Her furious eyes move to mine and her voice penetrates the small room. “
Fine?
You think I’m
fine?
Look at me!” Her arms stretch out to her sides for effect. “I’m a warmer to a small human being, for fuck’s sake. Is there a more convincing description than me being a house, Hayden?” She walks toward me, causing me to step back. “
This
is not
fine.
”

“Okay.” God, it’s as if that’s all I know how to say. How the fuck does Toby do this? That fool did it twice. He should get snipped in punishment for being stupid.

“Babe, we gotta go. Marlee’s having that baby any time and she’ll want you there.”

She walks by me, punching my arm hard as she passes. “Don’t you ‘babe’ me, Hayden Merit Flynn.”
Fuck, she’s throwing down middle names.
“Now, take the whale to the hospital so she can see how this shit works.”

I’m finding out Lacey is
so
much more beautiful when she’s quiet or sleeping.

Over the last several weeks, Lacey and I have called an unspoken truce. She doesn’t ask me where I’ve been or who I’ve been with and I don’t ask her for anything at all. We’ve settled into a friendly routine, rather than a constant battle of resentment and blame.

I miss being with her, though. I miss talking to her and hanging out doing nothing. I’ve thought about telling her this, but we’re finally in a good enough place and after all the time that’s passed, I don’t want to jeopardize whatever we’ve already fought to have.

I grab her wrist before she has a chance to escape the confines of the small room. She turns quickly, surprised by the touch, and looks up before inhaling a breath.

“You’re beautiful, Lacey. With all the changes or without, you’ll always be beautiful,” I tell her honestly.

“A compliment,” she states with a small smirk. “Thank you, Hayden,” she responds quietly and pulls away to finish dressing.

* * *

The hospital waiting room is as it always is when the gang’s all together.

Chaotic and crazy.

Decklan and Maddux are huddled in a corner playing with germ-filled community hospital toys. Ace and Rae are seated on a small couch to the side of them, watching carefully. Travis is leaning against the wall next to the chair Sarah is seated in. Her face is in her phone, which is typical. Marlee’s mom, who I’ve only met once, is pacing back and forth and lets out a silent sob she catches in her Kleenex.

Lacey pulls my arm so I lower my head to hear her. “Basket case,” she says as she nods to Rebecca as she continues to walk back and forth in front of us.

I keep my voice to a whisper, not wanting the worried grandmother to hear. “Yeah. She was the same way when Maddux was born.”

“I’ll go see if there’s something I can do for her.”

I nod, then look to Travis who I know still doesn’t like me but he’s lightened up now that Lacey and I aren’t at constant odds.

“Have we gotten any word yet?” I ask Rae.

“Yeah. They are taking her for C-section now if they haven’t already done it. The doc didn’t give them much time to try for natural birth. It was more to please Marlee than anything else.”

“Anyone need anything? I’m going out to grab a coffee.” Lacey’s attention to Rebecca stops and her head turns toward me. “You want something?”

“Kit-Kat, Snickers . . .”

“Thought you said you were a house?” I interrupt her list of sweet and fat demands.

“Let me finish,” she demands with a clipped tone. “Kit-Kat, Snickers, and if they have any I’d like a PayDay.”

“Better get the woman what she needs, Hayden,” Raegan tells me. “I’ll go with you.”

We make our way down the hall and to the left for Lacey’s list before Raegan says anything. “So, you and Lacey seem better.”

“Rae.” I hesitate to shut her down; she’s asking because she cares. “We’re fine.”

“
Fine,
” she says, mocking me. “That’s hot.”

Women must take classes on how to make a man feel small and inadequate.

“We’re as good as we can be right now. How’s that?”

“Better, I guess.”

“How are you and Ace?” I ask because I don’t know. I haven’t talked to them as much as I used to.

Adding another dollar to the machine, she answers, “He’s worried about Bean. She’s forgetting things.”

“I’ve noticed she’s looking tired.”

“Yeah. He’s watching her more than he usually does. Between Bean and Sarah, Ace is tired.”

Rae hands me Lacey’s stash of crap along with the coffee I initially came to get. We start to make our way back to the waiting room but we’re stopped in the hall by Toby. He’s smiling ear to ear as he wears his green scrubs proudly. “She’s here. She’s healthy and she’s
so
beautiful.”

“Already?” Rae questions with surprise. “Well, how’s Marlee?”

“Perfect. I gotta go back in, but I wanted to update Rebecca. I just left everyone. Give us a couple of hours and you can meet her.”

“Okay, go go go!” Rae shoos him away and he doesn’t object. He opens the double doors to the room where Marlee waits and leaves us smiling between ourselves.

“That’s gonna be you soon, ya know,” Rae says to me before taking a sip of her coffee.

I hadn’t thought much about the arrival of the baby, just the changes it would be making to our lives. “I guess it is.”

“Come on. Let’s get these to your baby mama before she comes looking for us.”

Trying not to laugh out loud at Rae’s antics, I look down and ask, “Baby mama?”

“You’re the baby daddy, so don’t judge.”

“Oh, Jesus, Raegan. Let’s go.”

The waiting room is empty when we arrive. When we follow the noise to the hallway beside us, it’s as if we’re looking into a cast of characters in a television show and all the people are lost and confused.

Raegan laughs when Ace comes at her in excitement. Ace isn’t normally excited about much, but you can see by his facial expression that Marlee coming out of this okay has eased his worry and he’s smiling freely. He grabs Rae and holds her tight, crushing her to him as she balances her own coffee out to the side of the embrace.

“Everyone’s okay,” he breathes, clutching her head to his chest and kissing her hair.

“I heard, Ace. Let me go. I can’t breathe.”

“Rebecca is in with her now. One visitor at a time until they’re ready for more.”

“Where’s Lacey?” I want to know where the small condo carrying my child ran off to so I can be sure she’s eaten something at least.

“She’s around. Trav and Sarah took the boys to hit the gift shop.”

“I’m going to make a few calls. I’ll be back in a little while.” I don’t have calls to make, but with the baby excitement and chaos, I need a break.

On the way outside, I open the door for an elderly couple. She’s pushing his wheelchair and he’s complaining about the weather. It’s almost eighty degrees today, unsure what’s to bitch about. I wonder how long they’ve been together and how deeply their connection is to each other after all this time. I wonder with admiration the pictures they must have stored away on the top shelves of their closets like Bean.

About an hour later, I’ve finished walking around the parking lot and made it to my car. My phone chimes with an incoming message.

Seduce Me 04:36 p.m.
Jordan Casey is perfect! Where are you?

Lacey’s enthusiasm is sweet. Like her.

04:38 p.m.
Outside. Needed a break.

Seduce Me 04:39 p.m.
Get your hot ass in here, Hayden. Maddux is asking for you to sing to the baby. WE WANNA HEAR YOU SING!!!!

04:40 p.m.
You ate every one of those candy bars, didn’t you?

She had to have. She’s high on sugar.

Seduce Me 04:40 p.m.
It’s possible. I’m pregnant, Hayden. Don’t judge me.

I’ve missed this between us. The fun and easy back-and-forth banter.

When I’ve stalled long enough, I make it to the recovery area where they’ve taken Marlee and the baby. Marlee is on the bed, definitely not looking as though she’s just given birth. Rebecca is at her side, stroking her daughter’s head. Toby isn’t around. Ace and Rae take up two chairs in the corner while Sarah and Trav stand to their side.

“Where are the boys?” I ask the room when I enter.

“Hayden!” Marlee exclaims with glee. “Toby took them to run around and get tired before Ace and Rae take them home.”

“Where’s Jor . . .” Before I can finish the word, I shut the hospital door and find Lacey holding Jordan as tears stream down her face.

The room quiets as we all stare at Lacey and listen to her talk to the baby. She’s holding her with one arm as her hands scan her new small body. Toes, fingers, nose, and cheeks all covered in turn. “You’re so, so pretty, little girl. I love your fingers, and your little feet,” she utters, not knowing she has an audience. “I bet you’ll learn how to play the drums, too, won’t you?”

I clear my throat. It’s forced to avoid revealing my own emotions in seeing Lacey hold a newborn baby. Her long, blonde hair is pulled back in a half-ponytail and her face is red from the excitement and happiness. Her belly protrudes underneath her cradling arms. I snap a mental picture; it’s one I know I’ll always remember of her.

So beautiful.

“Lace?” I speak first.

Lacey’s head raises and her cheeks severely blush. “Shit, sorry. Am I hogging?”

I walk to her, place my hand on her lower back and look down at Jordan. “Nah. You look happy.”