Devil’s in the Details (19 page)

I loved everything about Victoria because deep down, I knew I was falling in love with her and there was nothing I could do about it until she let me in and took me out of the stupid friend-zone.

I sighed, grabbing a box of gauze pads and tape, I was falling in love with a stranger who was also my best friend.

I would have to do something about this soon.

Dropping the gauze and tape on top of the charts, I left the closet. I was headed towards my first patient of the day when I felt my phone vibrating in my back pocket. I tucked everything under my arm and pulled the phone out, unable to hold back the grin when I saw it was Victoria calling.

"We just got the bagels, thank you for doing that. You could’ve skipped a week, Victoria. I'm sure Stacy would’ve forgive you, eventually." I stopped walking, knowing that I was grinning like an idiot after giving myself the fifth degree about this strange friendship less than a minute ago.

"I didn't want to break tradition, Alex." Victoria sounded tired, her voice had a rough rasp to it, "I just got home and wanted to call you to let you know and ask if you would be interested in a movie marathon Saturday? I could use a quiet weekend after this last trip."

I couldn't resist, my heart had the advantage over my gut and the red flags it was waving at my heart, "Saturday works. I picked up tomorrow so I could have Sunday off." I gripped the charts in my hand, trying to hold back the urge to let out any emotion, but then my gut won and I slipped, "You want to have it at your house this time?"

Victoria's breathing changed ever so slightly, "Can we do your apartment? The neighbors are having a birthday party for their three-year old grandson. It's going to sound like the circus came to town, specifically right in my backyard." She paused, "I'll buy the popcorn and other junk food?"

I felt my grin fade a bit as I looked down at the floor. Victoria was definitely hiding something from me and it was, and had been, blinking in front of my face like a neon sign for months. "Yeah, that sounds good. See you at my place at noon? I'll make nachos for lunch and we can play dinner by ear?"

"I will see you at noon, Alex." Victoria cleared her throat. There definitely was something wrong, it sounded like she was about to cry or was in pain.

"Victoria, are you okay?" The nurse in me took over, "You sound...sick?"

"I'm fine Alex, it was a long trip and I really need this semester to be over with so I can have a break. It's a bitch going out of town and having to be back for morning classes." Victoria's voice turned from the soft, trembling one to the very practiced Navy officer I knew well. It made me angry that she was doing this and it was sending up another red flag. I heard her take a deep breath, "Alex, have dinner with me?"

I bit my bottom lip, looking up at the ceiling and squeezing my eyes closed, I forced it out, "You couldn't afford me, Victoria. Get some rest. I’ll message you when I’m off." I dropped the phone away and hung up. I shook my head at how much I was letting my heart guide me when it was clear I needed to start listening to my gut. I jammed the phone back in my pocket and started my rounds.

Saturday.

Saturday would be the day I started peeling back the layers of Victoria Bancroft.

I sighed hard when I reached the nurses station and picked up a few new charts that had come in over the last five minutes. I tried to read the injuries I needed to monitor throughout the night, but couldn’t focus on anything other than Victoria.

After a stalling and reading the word hypertension a thousand times, I huffed and threw the file on the counter. I covered my face and groaned in hopes of easing the frustration filling my body.

“Rough night?”

I lifted my head up to look at the owner of the smooth feminine voice. A tall, beautiful woman wearing a EMS uniform stood across the station from me. Grinning at me as she organized her medical bag. The woman had big expressive brown eyes, long dark hair tied back, and she had an attitude about her that screamed cocky. Nothing out of the ordinary for any of the EMS techs I worked with on a given day, but this woman didn’t look familiar.

I frowned lightly, “Same old, same old.” I gave her a soft smile and looked at her nametag. “Are you new here, Diablo?” I smirked at the name.

She glanced at her nametag, tapping it with her index finger, “I know, you can thank my dad for the last name.” She suddenly moved around the corner and held out her hand, “Angela Diablo.” She raised her eyebrows when I smirked again, “My parents had a sense of humor, and yes, I just moved over to this district yesterday with DCFD.”

I chuckled and took her hand, “It’s nice to meet you Angela. I’m Alex Ivers.” I dropped her hand and moved back to the chart. “If you need any help finding your way around this place, let me know.” I smiled at her, “Stay away from the cafeteria coffee and don’t let the security boys in the ER hit on you too hard.”

Angela laughed, “They won’t stand a chance, but thank you, Alex.” She then squinted at me, “Forgive me, but you look really, really familiar.”

I shrugged, picking up the charts I had to work on. “I guess I have that kind of face.” I kept my smile tight, this woman was clearly about to flirt with me and it was the last thing I needed tonight. “If you excuse me, I need to get started on my rounds.”

I moved past her when I heard, “I’ll see you around, Alex and be careful when you leave tonight. I heard there’s been some trouble in the metro stations late at night. Some weird vigilante taking care of the shit head junkies.”

I looked over at Angela, she grinned and winked, “Hate to see a pretty lady like you get slapped around.” She then grabbed her bag, threw me a wave and left.

My stomach started doing a slow roll. There was something about Angela that bothered me and it wasn’t that she had already dipped into the gossip pool of this hospital.

She creeped me out in the way she looked at me and spoke about the metro station.

~Saturday~

All of my plans to peel back Victoria's layers fell to the wayside the second I opened my apartment door and saw the blonde standing there. Her long, pale, blonde hair down and flowing over the faded USNA shirt she wore. Leading my eyes down to a pair of closer fitting blue jeans. Victoria was gorgeous as ever, and grinning at me like she always did when we missed a week of spending time together. Those plans then quickly dissolved when she handed over the popcorn and grocery bag of junk food, grabbing me into a tight, warm hug that almost left me breathless. I had to end the hug before she felt how hard she made my heart pound when I was in her arms, using the excuse that the nachos were going to burn in the oven to walk away from her.

I sighed, tucking the ice cream in the freezer, I would have to fight through this and try to talk to Victoria or ignore it and enjoy the day with my friend. Making a promise if I did, I would have to talk to her next week. Closing the freezer, I looked over my shoulder at her, "Did you want a beer or wine to start?"

Victoria moved to sit on the edge of the couch, smiling, "Beer please." Looking at the blonde I could see how tired she was, her eyes were not as clear and bright as usual. I glanced at her right hand and saw new lacerations on the knuckles right where the others had been from a few months back when she had fallen during a training exercise at work. I knew the kind of lacerations she had on her knuckles were not from falling onto brick walls. They were the ones I saw on patients who came in from bar fights or on boxers. They were the type of lacerations you got from beating the shit out of someone. She also appeared to be favoring her one side, wincing a tiny bit when she shifted on the arm of the couch.

Aside from the lacerations and bruises on her hands, Victoria had an air around her that was tense and on edge, no matter how hard she tried to cover it up with smiles. "You fall down chasing sailors again?" I motioned to her knuckles.

I watched her scan around the apartment, like she did every time she was over, instead of looking at me or answering my question. Picking out the little things I had done to make the apartment feel more cozy and homey. "Yeah. A few of the guys from the local recruitment office challenged me to a push up contest. I slipped and smashed my hand on the concrete. I should be fine, I had the medic look at it."

I knew she was bullshitting me. She would never look at me when she was bullshitting me or being vague. I had quickly picked that up about Victoria. When she was hiding something, she would never look in my eyes. Before I could ask her to clarify, Victoria grinned as she looked at the wall above my bed. "You hung up that old Go Navy! sign I gave you?"

I smiled, walking over with a beer in my hand. "Of course! It reminds me of you and it covers up the one hole in the plaster from when I tried killing a spider with a hammer."

She raised an eyebrow taking the beer from me, "I do remember that panicked early morning phone call. I told you to use a newspaper."

I rolled my eyes, "I told you I don't read the newspaper. So it was either the hammer or my shoe." I walked back to the kitchen to set up plates for the nachos. "The hammer won. I didn't like the idea of walking spider guts through the house or the hospital."

Victoria laughed, following me into the kitchen. Leaning her back against the counter, she looked over at me scooping the hot nachos from the cooking sheet, "I should buy you a subscription to the Times so you always have a newspaper handy to squish spiders."

I laughed and shoved her lightly. "Maybe you should. Or you could just keep giving me more of your Navy memorabilia to cover the hammer holes."

I filled a plate up with nachos when I heard Victoria say softly, "I'd give you all I had, if you wanted it, Alex."

My stomach flipped as my jaw clenched hearing the tone she used. It bordered on flirty, sensual, loving, all tones that just friends didn't use with each other. I focused on trying to fill the plate, but couldn't. My gut screamed at me, shoving the plans of clearing the air with Victoria back in my face. I sighed hard, leaning on the counter with both hands. I gave in. "Victoria, what are we doing?"

I felt her back away a few steps, "What do you mean, Alex? We’re going to eat nachos and watch Hepburn movies. Audrey and Katherine." Her voice was still low. A feeble attempt to hide that I had caught her.

I turned to look at her. "No, I mean, what are WE doing Victoria?" I pushed off from the counter, motioning between her and I. "This. What is this? What are we doing?" I looked in her eyes and was thankful when I only saw them turn glassy. Not a cloud in sight. "This friendship. Is it just that?"

Victoria closed her eyes nodding, "Yes. It's a friendship. You don't have to ask that, Alex. You're my friend, I'm your friend."

I folded my arms across my chest, getting irritated and frustrated, "There's more between us, Victoria. I can see it. You have to see it, and everyone around us can see it. Stacy called us a cute old married couple the other day." I laughed nervously, "Matter of fact she pointed out a lot of things that got me thinking. Thinking what are we doing? You put me in the friend zone after that day at the deli. Telling me you aren't ready to date because of this or that, but dammit, Victoria." I paused, "What are we doing? I need to know so I can move on or move forward with whatever this is."

Victoria slowly set her beer down, looking down at the tops of her dirty white converse, "You are my friend Alex. You're probably the best friend I've ever had." She looked up at me, the clouds starting to form around the edges of her eyes, "That's all we can ever be." In her tone I heard a thousand different things that she wanted to say but never would.

I nodded, my jaw clenching, "Why? Can you at least tell me why?" I dropped my hands to my hips. My frustration quickly turning to anger, "Why won't you tell me anything about you? Everything about you is a damn mystery. I don't even know where you live, when your birthday is. Simple shit like that. Simple things that friends share with each other, but I don't know any of it. All I do know is the way I look at you and the way you look at me, that's not how friends should look at each other."

I looked at her hard again, my courage fading as I saw that what I was doing was about to change everything between us, but I couldn't do it anymore. "You know everything about me, Victoria, and yet I only get snippets in return. I do know that you're this amazing woman who helped me one night and as much as I want to be just friends, it's hard." I swallowed, holding back the part where I wanted to tell her I was falling in love with her. I suddenly wished I had a beer in my hand to guzzle for some extra liquid courage, "This is so hard because there is something more here, something incredible and something that isn't just a friendship."

Victoria pushed away from the counter, shoving her hands in her pockets, "I can't Alex. I don't expect you to understand or accept it. You wouldn't be the first or the last." She turned to walk towards the door, "I should go."

"Dammit Victoria, stop! Talk to me. Tell me something. I feel like you're walking away from me to avoid talking." I didn't want to plead with her, but it felt like I was about to lose her. "If you want to be friends, tell me. Tell me to move on from what I think is between us and I will." I went to grab her and stop her, when she turned around to face me.

There was conflict riddling her face, the clouds covered her eyes and yet she looked like she was about to cry. "Move on Alex. Move on from whatever you think there is. Because it isn't there. It isn't here." She let out a slow breath, "I will always be there if you need me. Call and I will answer. I’ll always be your friend Alex." She smiled tightly and went to the front door. Grabbing the knob she hesitated, turning her head back to me, I heard in a ragged voice, "My birthday is November 6th."

With that she opened the door and walked out, closing it behind her with a soft click. Leaving me to let out the massive breath I was holding. The tears fell freely as I decided in that moment to move on. Forget ever having anything more with Victoria than a friendship.

A friendship I knew in the morning would be completely different for the both of us.

~Six months later ~

I knew walking out on Alex that day in her apartment would change everything, and it did to a point. After that day, we stopped hanging out every weekend and it took me almost three weeks to answer her texts or call her back. I only dropped off coffee in person once in a while now, but that was starting to fade away as Alex did seem to move on. She was never always there to meet me, just Stacy was. Eagerly taking the box of bagels and cups from me, telling me Alex was tied up with a patient and would be for a few minutes more than I could wait. When I did see Alex, things were not like they once had been. I saw in her eyes the sadness I had placed there. Gone were the constant phone calls at all hours, the text conversations, the checking in when either of us got home. All of it faded away, whittled down to simple ‘hey, how are you’, or ‘want to grab a beer?’ messages. Messages that felt flat and void of the emotion, or care that once filled every syllable.

When we did go out to dinner, we talked and had a good time, but there were walls up now. Gone were the goodbye hugs and the silly inside jokes. They were replaced by awkward waves and call you when I get a chance promises. Alex was now cautious about what she said, and did, while I retreated behind one of my masks and hated it.

I hated that I had decided to hide from Alex and not let her in like I wanted and needed that day.

I knew what I was saying when I told her I'd give her everything if she wanted it. I just wanted her to smile at me that day. Tell a dumb joke, hug me and then settle in with nachos and movies. I would then fall asleep on her shoulder and she would wake me up, offer for me to stay and then send me on my way. But instead, she called me out on the things that had been waiting to explode for months.

I had long picked up that our friendship had turned into a pseudo relationship and no matter how much I tried to fight it, I didn't.

I liked it.

I liked the way Alex felt normal and made me feel like I could do this. That in another month I could ask her to be more with me. That I was falling hopelessly and uncontrollably in love with her. I wanted her to love me as much as I wanted to love her.

But I didn’t do that when she asked me what we were doing, what we were becoming. I walked away for the sake of my double life. Putting it first in the name of keeping her safe.

Those first few weeks after I told her to move on, I took every job Dani sent my way. Sniper hits, the usual planned out hits, quick interrogation jobs where I beat the hell out of someone for answers while I beat the hell out of feeling anything. Finding serenity and calm as I felt and heard bones crack under my hands, and smelling fresh blood as it filled the air. Clear signs that I couldn't ever be normal.

Even Dani noticed a change and eased up on being her snarky self. Leaving her comments to a minimum and only asking once if I needed to talk. I brushed her off and focused on the work. I took job after job to prevent myself from thinking about how lonely I was and how badly I wanted to call Alex to simply listen to her tell me about her day.

Adding in the end of the semester workload, I became so busy that I rarely had time to sleep before I was changing and driving to class. Soon I found my way back to the old calm, distant ways and was able to reply to Alex's calls and messages. Soon we fell back into a convoluted form of what our friendship once was.

And that's how it went for the last few months until I had a really rough job, killing another human trafficker in trade for secrets from a known biochemical terrorist. I had flown straight home from Bolivia, did the usual of burning my clothes and showering when I looked at the clock and saw that Alex would still be at work for another four hours.

I suddenly craved to see her, talk to her and maybe try to explain why normal wasn't in the cards for me. More than anything I wanted to hear her voice and ask her to hold me one more time. I wanted her to come home to and fight hard for a life with her. It all came out of nowhere and blindsided me. Pushing me to fix the shitty mess I made months ago, and try to at least get my best friend back.

I changed quickly and rushed to the BMW. Catching Dale to inquire if I brought beers and steak home, if he and Mary would be up to grilling them and joining me for dinner. Dale nodded with a grin, telling me he would be waiting with baited breath. I smiled, waving at him as I backed out of the driveway.