Devil’s in the Details (22 page)

I soon felt Victoria pull back from me, hearing and feeling the soft pants of lungs needing air. As much as I wanted the kiss to go on for the rest of this night or my life, I knew air was critical. Victoria's hand moved from the back of my neck to rest on my cheek as she leaned back to look in my eyes with a shy smile, "I've been wanting to do that since I gave you my pickle." It came out as a whisper but held the same power as if she shouted it from a mountain top.

I burst out in laughter, feeling all of the tension around us dissipate. "Me too, Victoria, me too." I let out a heavy, happy sigh. "Care to show me around?" I covered the hand on my cheek, pulling it down so I could slide my fingers in hers, sighing again at the way her warm hand felt in mine. If this was a dream, I never wanted to wake up.

Victoria nodded, licking her lips and looking at me like she wanted to kiss me again, "Of course, but how about we eat something first." She looked down at our hands in a way that told me that she was surprised just as much as I was by this moment.

I nodded, feeling my stomach growl and gurgle, telling me that food was a desperately needed remedy at this moment, no matter how much I wanted to kiss the beautiful woman in front of me. I looked over her shoulder to see where she hung up my bag, "I brought the movie for after." I turned back to catch Victoria still staring at our hands together, "And little baby." I then brought up our hands to bring Victoria's eyes up to mine. "Thank you for that."

She smiled softly at me and I could see the tiniest edges of clouds forming around her irises appear and then disappear just as quickly. "You do know that baby in the movie was a leopard?" Victoria raised an eyebrow, "I almost got you a stuffed leopard but…."

"I told you that I wanted a tiger ever since I was younger because of that movie. Is there anything you don't remember?" I took in a slow breath, "I know baby is a leopard, but I confused it with a tiger as all little kids do with animals who look the same. My mother was just happy the movie could settle me down when I was acting up, so much so she bought me my first stuffed animal. A tiger that I named baby, to carry around whenever I was upset. " I shrugged, "I never really figured out baby was a leopard until I was a teenager." I paused looking at the woman in front of me. "I honestly didn't think you were listening that first day, during our first lunch. You seemed so nervous and distant."

Victoria squeezed my hand, "I was listening, Alex. That day and every day after." The blonde paused, looking over at the kitchen in an attempt to clearly change the subject, "Follow me. The lasagna should be perfect by now."

I let Victoria lead me into the kitchen, my gut telling me to be cautious while my heart was floating in pure bliss. I glanced at her hand in mine and told my gut to just let me have this one night, this one dinner, before it begged me to pay more attention to the bits and pieces that were still far too mysterious about Victoria.

I had always been in control of every single aspect of my life, throughout my entire life, from my first day at the Naval Academy until now. Never once did I allow control to slip away, or allowed myself to give it to someone else. I had done that once, a very long time ago in Baghdad, and it changed my life. Then came everything else that followed Baghdad and starting to work for Voltaire, it all forced me to keep a thick choke hold on control.

But now as I pulled the bubbling hot lasagna from the oven, one I had made solely because I knew it was Alex's favorite, I realized I had allowed her to have control over my heart without a second thought. Maybe it was seeing her with someone else, that limp fish of a doctor. Maybe it was seeing in her eyes, as I walked away this last time, Alex was about to give up on me and ask me to stay away through a text, or an awkward phone call.

I knew I would never be able to pin point the exact moment I handed over control to my heart and the brunette sitting in my house, nor did I want to. All I knew was that I was taking a huge chance with Alex. Taking a chance that I could be normal and have the life I never knew I wanted until it almost slipped out of my fingers and into the hands of that greasy doctor Dean.

I was about to hand Alex all of the control and pray to God I could do this.

Turning to set the hot pan on top of the stove, I looked over at Alex. She was leaning against the edge of the grey granite island, trying her best to hide the signs of exhaustion creeping in more and more around her eyes. The poor woman was about to collapse. "Are you sure you can make it through dinner?" I wanted to look in her eyes, but found myself drifting down to her lips. An overwhelming desire to kiss her again coursed through my veins, made it very hard to think, let alone speak.

I couldn't tear my eyes away from her lips. How the bottom one was fuller than her top lip and how it felt against the tip of my tongue, sending shivers of heat through my arms. I had kissed Alex in the foyer purely out of spontaneity and fear. I feared if I didn't in that moment, I would lose my courage and never do it. Leaving me to regret it like I had regretted not doing a hundred other things with Alex and for her.

The only thing left in my thoughts outside of wanting to kiss her senseless, was that I knew for certain, I was in love with Alex. I loved her with all of my heart and soul, and I would have to fight every day to keep her. Fight myself to keep from sliding into the usual modus operandi of letting my partner, or whoever I was dating, think what they wanted when I had to disappear. Eventually, allowing them to scream at me, call me names and stomp off without a second look. Giving up on me as I couldn't, or wouldn't, fight to keep whatever relationship alive just so I wouldn't have to answer questions and tell truths better left to the darkness they lived in. I would have to fight all of that with Alex. I knew it also meant I’d have to lie to her to keep her close and keep her safe. Safe from the truth I hid, and keep the killer I was, hidden from the world. Hidden from the woman I was in love with.

The human in me wanted to love and live normally more than it wanted to hide the killer I was. Deep down I knew it would lead me down a road that would cost me everything I had and was creating with Alex, but then again, I had almost lost everything when I asked Alex to let me go and move on almost a year ago.

I sucked in a breath looking up at Alex, the risk was worth it. She was worth it. Loving her was the one thing I would do because I wanted to. Because I had to.

Alex nodded, shifting to stand upright, "Of course I'm sure." She smiled softly, looking around the kitchen, towards the living room where the fireplace and another large television hung over the mantel. "Your house is really nice."

I chuckled as I reached for plates and wine glasses, "It's still a work in progress. I keep wanting to change the rugs or the furniture until it feels like a home, not just a place where I sleep." That was the truth. My house still had yet to feel like a home and not just a place where I slept and destroyed the evidence of my second life.

"Well, it's far better than my one room loft studio apartment with spiders and holes in the walls." Alex laughed, leaning her hands on the edge of the island. "How long have you lived here?"

Scooping out a thick piece of the pasta and meat creation to place it on a plate, I paused, thinking how long I really had lived in this house. "I want to say maybe five years? It took me awhile to save up and find the perfect neighborhood and house." I suddenly grinned, I was about to tell Alex something I had never told anyone, "I also bought the house because the back porch looks exactly like Susan's in
Bringing Up Baby
." I heard Alex laugh again, forcing me to look up at her and give her a pointed look, "What?"

She shook her head, "Nothing. I just find it amazing that we’re both so attached to that movie." Alex eagerly took the plate with a massive piece of lasagna, "Why is it your favorite movie, Victoria?"

I shrugged, grabbing a bottle of red wine, "I think why I love that movie so much is because Katherine reminds me of my grandmother. From the crazy Connecticut accent all the way down to the wild antics." I smiled warmly as I filled a glass for Alex, "She was the one who made me watch the movie with her one summer, and after she passed while I was in the Academy, I would watch it to remember those summer days up on the beaches of Nantucket and center myself." It all fell out with ease, as if my heart had been waiting for this moment. A moment where I had finally found someone I trusted enough to set my double life to the side and be the woman I really was. It also didn't help that having Alex in my house felt so right, felt like she had belonged there from the start. She truly was the one piece that made my lonely house begin to feel like a home.

I looked up to see Alex smiling at me, her eyes dead set on mine and absorbing every snippet I spoke about my life. It hit me hard that I had really shut this woman out and gave her very little in regards to who I was underneath the two masks I wore. Especially since she had given me her all from day one in that deli over massive sandwiches and pickles. It made me swallow hard and blink back the tears before they could make a full appearance.

I cleared my throat, waving to the small table by the back porch doors. "We can eat over there or in the living room on the couch. I can put a movie on while we eat?" it was an ambiguous question, one I asked with the hopes a movie would distract conversation away from me.

Alex grinned, "Living room. You know that I can't ever eat a meal without the television on. Plus, I’m in desperate need of sitting on something soft and not made out of hard plastic." She picked up her plate and wine glass, following me into the living room.

I motioned to the large dark grey couch that looked like fluffy thunderclouds, "Pick a spot while I find the remote." I set my plate and glass down on the old dark wooden coffee table, picking up a stack of large naval history coffee table books to set them on the floor. I glanced up at Alex as she sat slowly down on the couch and carefully set her food down next to mine, looking for coasters to set the wine glass on.

It made me chuckle. "Alex, don't worry about spilling. I've had everything scotch guarded." It was true. I had scotch guarded every cushion and pillow the day I bought the furniture. Just in case I got blood on something as I went to burn the equipment I used or didn't clean my tools well enough before bringing them home.

I felt my smile fade slightly at the morbid thought. I waved my hand absently to wave the thought away, walking to the side table to grab the remote before moving to sit down next to Alex. After turning on the television, I set the remote back on the table to pick up my plate. I sat down next to Alex but left a polite amount of space between the two of us. "You can surf through the channels. I usually only have the movie classics channel on or the news." I glanced over at Alex and laughed. She had already shoved a healthy forkful of the lasagna in her mouth and seemed to be in food heaven by the noises she was making. "Is it really that good?"

Alex nodded with her eyes closed. Swallowing some of the food down before she spoke, "God yes! This is the best I think I've ever had, Victoria. That's saying a lot since Bill is Italian and can make one mean cheese and spinach lasagna." She opened her eyes and glanced at me, a grin covering her face. "What?"

I shook my head, looking down at my plate, "Nothing, it's just been a really long time since I've cooked for anyone." I smiled tightly and took a small bite of my food.

"You can cook for me as much as you want, Victoria." Alex's voice was so soft. It made my heart squeeze tightly in my chest. This delicate back and forth, bold, but cautious flirting, was creating a strange tension to hang heavily in the air.

Things were changing between us again, moving back to the ease of our friendship that I cherished, but now there was a giant elephant that neither of us wanted to push out of the room quite yet.

It was if we were dipping our toes in the water, waiting for the water to be just perfect. I sighed lightly at how ridiculous this was. I could kill a man with my bare hands, and yet here I was stumbling like a teenage boy removing his first bra.

I tilted my head in her direction to make a comment, catching 
Roman Holiday
 in black and white playing on the television, when I caught the way Alex was looking at me. It was exactly the same way she did right before she tried to kiss me in the parking structure after our first lunch and again when I left her standing in the middle of the hospital a few hours ago. It was a look of love, hope, fear, lust, and it consumed me. That simple look wrapped around my heart and told me all the things I had been ignoring for so long. This was the look of someone who loved me unconditionally and could love everything I was.