Diary of a Chav (20 page)

Peter Andre:
(n.) A muscly ex-pop star who is married to Jordan, a heavily boobed English glamour model. No one can remember what Peter actually does anymore except have his own reality show where he drives about in his flash car and gets a spray tan and argues with Jordan. Peter Andre often appears on TV to plug the reality show and talk about his spray tan. Or Jordan.

Pikey:
(n.) A not-very-nice slang word for a gypsy or basically anyone who looks a bit poor. Real pikeys live in trailers and get hassled by the government for not paying taxes. I often used to tell our Murphy that his real family were pikeys ’cos it used to make him cry. Sorry, Murph.

Pissed:
(adj.) Has had too much to drink.

Quids in:
(adj.) Having plenty of money.

Rabbiting on:
(vb.) Talking and talking and talking with little regard for whether anyone is listening.

Rudegirl:
(n.) A girl who thinks she’s tough or a bit of a gangster.
“She acts like she’s a rudegirl, but she ain’t all that.”

Scrounging:
(vb.) Begging.

Scrounging off the state:
(vb.) Taking welfare money of the government instead of getting a job. This is one of the main reasons people don’t like chavs. ’Cos they reckon they’re all scrounging off the state and having babies that they can’t pay for and getting free rent paid for by the local council and generally living the life of luxury at “decent people’s expense.”

Sixth form:
(n.) A school where you go to study for your A-Levels which is often in the same school where you took GCSE’s. Basically it is a building full of boffins and school nerds who actually learn things for their own pleasure and want to be brain surgeons and who know all the capital cities of the world and crap about the Ice Age and stuff, i.e., not me at all.

Skint:
(adj.) Broke, penniless.

Skiving:
(vb.) Bunking off, skipping off when you haven’t got a good excuse.

Skunk:
(n.) A type of grass or marijuana.

Slagging:
(vb.) Bitching about someone, talking about them in a negative way.

Snog:
(vb., n.) An open-mouthed kiss that may or may not include tongues. I once snogged Carlton Brown behind a bush after a Year 8 disco and he bit my face by accident and his breath smelled of Big Mac gherkins. It was proper disgusting.

Soap-dodger:
(n.) A smelly person who avoids washing with soap — a bit like my little brother Murph, who can stand his underpants up each night they’re so disgusting and has radioactive armpits that can stun a girl at fifty yards.

Spin on one:
(vb.) Phrase usually accompanied with a raised middle finger.
“Go and spin on one mate!”

Spots:
(n.) Zits. Red lumps full of puss that appear on your face the day before a party and make you look like a freak.

Staffy:
(n.) A Staffordshire Bull Terrier. A dog that a lot of chavs own. Oh, and the Wood family owns one too, called Penny, but as I say we aren’t chavs!

Strop:
(n.) A hissy fit. “
She took a right old strop when she saw I looked better in that dress than she did!”

Swot:
(n.) Someone who studies hard at school and tries to pass their exams and hangs about libraries reading books by Jane Austen writing
HA HA HA THIS IS THE BEST JOKE EVER!!
in the margin in fountain pen and doesn’t lose their virginity till they’re 29 and has a shelf in their house for all their spelling bee prizes and has a mother who stops all the other mothers in the supermarket and bores their baps off about how AMAZING they are, i.e., not me.

Take the mickey:
(vb.) To make fun of someone or have a joke with them. Taking the mickey can be nice or not nice, depending on how far you take it. Like I take the mickey out of my Carrie a lot for being so vain. But Latoya Bell is just plain unpleasant when she takes the mickey. In fact she’s just a bully.

Tat:
(n.) Rubbish, junk, nothing of any worth. Also tatty (adj.)

Trackie:
(n.) Track suit or sweat suit.

Trollop:
(n.) A hoochie momma. Bint, slag, tart, bimbo, ho . . .

TWOC:
(n.) Police term for stealing a car: Take Without the Owner’s Consent.

Unit:
(n.) Pupil Referral Unit. When you get expelled from school and no other schools will take you as you’re a troublemaker, this is where you end up. This is basically a school you attend every day full of all the other kids who no schools want to teach. SCARY.

Up the duff:
(adj.) Pregnant, knocked up, in the pudding club.
“OMG I saw Katy drinking Vodka outside Perfect Chicken and she is totally up the duff too!”

Waffling on:
(vb.) Yaddering on and on with no real direction or care for the fact that everyone has gone to sleep or left the room. See also:
Rabbiting on

WAGs:
(n.) British football term meaning “Wives and girlfriends,” i.e., the women who turn up to games to support their husbands/boyfriends dressed in $50,000 of designer gear and get drunk on champagne and snog other footballers that aren’t their boyfriends then end up on the front of
The Sun
falling out of a nightclub being sick in their $5,000 Miu Miu handbags.

Wednesday club and the meat raffle:
(n.) The Wednesday Club is where my Nan meets other old duffers on a Wednesday. Sometimes they get pretty crazy wild and they have a tombola or raffle where the main prize is a lovely piece of beef or lamb.

Well butterz:
(adj.) Ugly, minging, not attractive. Sort of “butt ugly” taken to the extreme.

Welly:
(n.) A plastic waterproof boot like a farmer might wear.

Wind-up merchant:
(n.) Someone who enjoys playing tricks or saying things that will get people annoyed or simply wind them up.

Whinge:
(vb.) To moan and complain. Also
whinger:
(n.)

Year Ten, stream two:
(adj.) Aged 14-15 and in the second-cleverest class at school. All the geniuses will be in stream one.