Diary of a Crush: Kiss and Make Up (11 page)

‘Edie,’ said Carter warningly. ‘I’ll give it an hour and if it sucks we’re going.’

‘Look, this is the end of two years of my life,’ I told him as the bouncers unclipped the velvet rope and let us through. ‘You could at least pretend that you want to be here. Not everyone can be as cool as you are.’

‘That’s for sure,’ he remarked. ‘What do you want to drink? One of those disgusting alcopops that you seem to love so much?’

I nodded and he disappeared in the direction of the bar.

Standing on my own in a nightclub is not one of my favourite occupations. I tried to assume a nonchalant I’m-just-waiting-for-all-of-my-best-friends-to-come-back-from-the-loo pose but I was sure everybody was staring at me and thinking that I was a complete loser who had no mates.

Suddenly I felt two hands squeeze my waist and I started in surprise.

‘All right, Ediekins?’ Nat said, by way of a greeting. ‘You look delicious. Like a strawberry milkshake. I want to drink you all up.’

I turned round and nestled against him. ‘I’m so glad you’re here. I feel all out of sorts,’ I said.

I love cuddling Nat. Not only does he always smell really nice but I never have to worry that he’ll get the wrong idea about me or that bits of him might start digging into me. Because ewwwww!

‘You can pretend to be with me if you like but if I pull you’re on your own,’ Nat offered because he’s all heart.

‘I’m here with Carter,’ I said darkly. ‘But I’m not sure it was a good idea. I don’t think he’s in a party mood and he wants to go in, like, an hour.’

‘Oh, your older man,’ said Nat snidely, rolling his eyes.

‘He’s only twenty-three,’ I snapped defensively. ‘Five years is so not an age gap.’

‘It is when he spends half the time acting like your dad. There’s something creepy about him.’

‘He’s all right when you get to know him,’ I insisted. ‘He’s really funny.’

‘Funny peculiar,’ said Nat, determined to get the last word in.

I was just on the verge of opening my mouth to cut him dead with a crushing retort when he took my hand and dragged me towards the lit-up dancefloor.

‘Nat!’ I hissed. ‘Carter’ll be looking for me.’ I tried to loosen Nat’s grip on me but he was having none of it.

‘But it’s
Horny Horny Horny
,’ he protested. ‘It’s practically our song!’

Nat whirled me round like we were on
Strictly Come Dancing
and I had no choice but to give in.

That’s the other thing I love about Nat, he’s the only boy I know who’ll dance with me without worrying that he’s being girly or uncool.

I finally managed to disentangle myself from Nat. My feet were not happy. I was sure there were some blister-type things going on but I was more worried about Carter. I eventually found him slouched against a pillar looking like he was having the worst night of his life. My heart sank, I should never have forced him to come. I hobbled over to him, hoping he wasn’t going to be too angry.

‘Sorry, I bumped into Nat,’ I began but he smiled and handed me my lukewarm drink.

‘It’s OK, Edie, you don’t have to explain,’ he shouted above the music. ‘I like watching you dance, you really should think about going into cabaret.’

I could feel my cheeks flushing and I turned my head away from him. Carter gently took my chin in his hand so he could see my face.

‘What do you want?’ he enquired throatily.

‘I don’t know,’ I said breathlessly. ‘I want to sit down and I… I’m really hot.’ Please kiss me, I silently begged him and I was just about to do something pathetic like plead with him to smooch me when Atsuko and Darby came over to say hello.

‘We interrupting something?’ asked Atsuko, sensing the atmosphere.

‘Edie and I were having a moment,’ Carter said, putting an arm round me and pulling me against him.

‘Hi,’ I managed to get out finally. ‘I’m just having a bit of a hot flush.’

‘Hmmm, you do look all weird,’ commented Darby. ‘Like you’ve been running a marathon.’

‘I’ve been dancing with Nat,’ I continued. ‘Anyway I didn’t think you two were coming. It’s not really your scene, is it?’

‘We didn’t think you were coming either,’ said Atsuko. ‘We’re only here to get a snog from every bloke we ever fancied in the two years we were at college.’

‘And we’re not leaving until we do,’ finished Darby fiercely.

I could feel Carter tense up. ‘I think I’d better get Edie out of here before you two give her any ideas,’ he said smoothly. ‘I hope you’ve brought some lip balm, it sounds like you’re going to need it.’

I could tell that Atsuko and Darby weren’t sure whether Carter was laughing with them or at them and to tell you the truth I wasn’t either.

‘Hey, rewind,’ I said, flashing Carter a warning look. ‘We’ve only just got here. I want to spend some time with my friends.’

Carter shrugged in a fairly good impression of someone who was fine with that idea, but not before I saw the flash of annoyance that swept across his face.

‘I’ll go and see Matt then while you compare nail varnish or whatever it is you girls talk about,’ and he walked off in the direction of the DJ booth where one of his friends was hanging out.

Atsuko and Darby visibly relaxed. ‘I’m surprised he doesn’t have you electronically tagged,’ sniped Darby as we grabbed a booth.

‘I can’t believe I’m seeing a boy who all my mates loathe,’ I said miserably. ‘I know he can be sarcastic but he can be really sweet too. Honest.’

‘Are you trying to convince us or yourself?’ asked Darby as she took a sip of her lurid pink cocktail.

‘I’m really confused about the way he makes me feel half the time,’ I confessed. ‘When he gets all toxic on me I end up wanting to kiss him.’

‘Classic evasion tactic,’ explained Atsuko whose dad’s a psychologist. ‘You think that if he kisses you, he’ll stop being all arsey. Whereas he’s being all arsey ’cause he knows it makes you uncomfortable and then he gets to be the one in control. Do you know what I mean?’

‘No, not really,’ I admitted.

‘She means he’s a complete control freak, Edie,’ said Darby in an exasperated voice. ‘You practically had to ask for his permission to spend time with us.’

‘It’s complicated,’ I said, trying to explain. ‘I had this mini-fling thing with my ex…’

‘Dylan?’

‘Yeah, well Carter’s convinced that I’m the least trustworthy girl in the Manchester area ’cause I was kind of seeing him too,’ I finished unhappily. ‘You must think I’m a terrible person, like, boy-obsessed or something.’

‘Everyone has boy issues,’ said Darby consolingly. ‘I once had three boys on the go ’cause I couldn’t make up my mind which one I really fancied.’

‘But you’re with Carter now, right?’ asked Atsuko. ‘So he should get over it.’

I gave a deep sigh. ‘But he refuses to acknowledge the fact that we’re practically going steady. He just says that we should keep it loose but…’

‘But?’ prompted Atsuko.

‘He reckons that if we are going out then we should, you know, um, have sex but I’m not sure,’ I managed to stammer. ‘It seems like a lousy reason. Right?’

‘Right!’ agreed Darby. ‘It’s one thing to have sex ’cause you’re in a serious relationship with someone you care about. But to do it with someone in the hope that he might decide to actually admit that you’re already having a relationship, well that’s just twisted.’

‘Edie, what are you doing with that guy?’ Atsuko demanded.

‘I don’t know.’ I fisted my hands in my hair. ‘I know he can be difficult but it’s exciting at the same time.’

‘Boys can be such jerks,’ said Darby feelingly.

There was a moment’s silence as we all contemplated the jerkdom of the male species and I was pleased that I was bonding with them, even if it was over Carter’s lack of boyfriendliness. I looked up to see the man himself looming over me.

‘Edie, please can we go?’ he begged. I looked at Atsuko and Darby. They were no help.

‘See you at rehearsal tomorrow then,’ they both chirped and slid out of the booth. ‘Right, let’s find our first victim,’ Darby added.

‘Good luck!’ I called after them.

Which left just me and Carter. He ran a finger down my cheek, ‘Let’s get the hell out of here.’

We got a taxi back to my house and the minute I opened the front door I kicked my wedges off.

‘Ow!’ I whimpered. ‘My feet are officially killing me.’

Carter laughed and followed me into the lounge. I made some tea and he dumped all the cushions off the settee and we sprawled out on the floor and listened to Belle and Sebastian. It’s strange with the parents off the premises. Like, it’s my house or something (although I would never have chosen such disgusting soft furnishings). To start with we drank our tea and didn’t really say anything but this time the silence was companionable. When there aren’t any other people around Carter completely chills out. He’s funny and we talk about books and films and play ‘anywhere but here’. And Carter strokes Pudding, my cat, until she’s all purred out and I think I could really love him.

But then I don’t want to go that deep with Carter ’cause on some level I know that the closer that I let him get, the more he’ll be able to hurt me someday. Could my thought patterns be any more skewy?

An hour later I was stretched out on the carpet while Carter lay over me, his hands gently pinning my arms to my side while he nibbled at my bottom lip. It was frustrating not being able to touch him as his tongue sank into my mouth. He let go of my wrists and trailed a hand down my side until I felt him start to push the skirt of my dress further up my leg. I kind of blissed out as he tickled the underside of my knee but when his hand reached mid-thigh I tugged it away. Carter behaved himself for a while and concentrated on kissing me until I was gasping for breath but as he reached under me and started to inch my zip down, I sat up and pushed him away.

‘No!’ I yelped.

‘No?’ he asked, reaching for me again but I brushed his hands away. Carter got to his feet and gave me an annoyed look.

‘I’m not going to wait forever, Edie,’ he said. ‘You have to lose it sometime, you might as well lose it with me.’

‘It just doesn’t feel right,’ I tried to explain. ‘I’m not ready, it’s too soon.’

‘Is it me?’ Carter wanted to know. ‘Are you scared?’

‘I don’t know. I suppose so. Sometimes I think you’re only interested in me ’cause, you know, you want to…’

‘God, you can’t even say it,’ said Carter sounding really exasperated. ‘People have sex, it’s no big deal.’

‘Well, it is to me,’ I muttered. ‘I want it to be special. I want to lose my virginity with someone who lo— who really cares for me. I don’t want my first time to be on the living room carpet.’

Carter shook his head. ‘I’ve gotta go,’ he said. ‘I’ll call you.’

I scrambled to my feet. ‘Don’t be mad at me,’ I begged, trying to give him a hug. He gently but firmly held me off.

‘I’ll call you,’ he repeated and was out of the front door before I could say another word.

I didn’t sleep at all last night. In fact, I spent most of the night tossing and turning and whacking at my pillows as I tried to get comfy. All I could think about was what Carter had said. Maybe he was right, maybe I was making a big fuss out of nothing. In fact, when I thought about it I realised that I was the only girl I knew who was still a virgin. Apart from Poppy’s sister Grace and she’s only fifteen or something.

It isn’t like I’m worried that it’s going to hurt (well not completely) but the longer I hold on to my virginity (I hate
that
word), the more difficult it is to think about actually bumping uglies with someone. And although Carter gets me all hot and bothered and occasionally I feel like I’m really into him, is he the person I want to have sex with? I mean everyone says you never forget your first time and fifty years from now do I really want to have memories of Carter going where no boy-shape had gone before? But what really bugs me is wondering whether I should have had sex with Dylan back when we were together or semi-together. Despite all the crap he’s put me through, it would have been, I don’t know,
fitting
for him to have been my first. I mean he was my first everything else. My first boyfriend. My first boy that I loved. The first person to break my heart into tiny little pieces and grind them into the ground with his heel. Or, then again, maybe not.

I didn’t sleep again last night! I think I’m going down with insomnia or something. I just get into bed and my head is whirling with A-level Fear and Boy-related Worries. All this nocturnal soul-searching leaves me sleep deprived and majorly crabby. This morning I finally managed to drag myself out of bed and into a cold shower which a) did nothing to make me feel more awake and b) left me feeling even more bad-tempered. I was actually kind of sorry that The Mothership wasn’t around so I could unleash some of my aggression by snarling at her before I went to work.

I pulled on some boy-cut trousers and a faded, old T-shirt ’cause it made some crazy sense to look as horrible as I felt, shoved my still aching feet into trainers and scraped my hair back into a ponytail before stomping out of the front door.

Even though I’d managed to tut loudly at old women getting in my way and pulled faces at any unsuspecting small child who’d dared to even cross my line of vision I still felt hissy when I got to work. And there was Dylan looking all foxy even with a chef’s jacket on and his faded jeans that hung low on his hips. He gave me a lazy wave and smile from the serving hatch (oh, the cheek of him!) which I ignored as I grabbed my order pad and a pencil and marched over to a couple of businessmen who were waiting to be served.

It wasn’t my fault. When you’re feeling icky and some stupid suit tells you to ‘cheer up love, it might never happen’ they’re lucky that you don’t chuck their breakfast special into their lap. Anna hurried over just as the fully-laden plate I was holding was beginning to tip lapwards and ordered me into the kitchen for the rest of the day.