Diary of a Nerd King #2: The Complete 2nd Season - Episodes 1 to 8 (19 page)

I considered going to the bathroom and making myself throw up to get rid of the milk that was circling around in my guts in big, queasy feeling circles, but the thought of that awful feeling of your stomach lurching and the terrible after-taste made me decide to wait it out a bit.

The next thing that popped into my head was rats.  Lots and lots and lots of rats.  Millions of them.  And each one was hooked up to a tiny little milking machine like they use to get the milk out of cows. 

Remember that Simpsons episode, "Mayored to the Mob," where Homer finds out Fat Tony and the Mob made a deal with Mayor Quimby to sell rat’s milk to the schools?

It’s a great episode, but it really makes you think after you get a big mouthful of bad tasting milk with your school lunch.  I mean, really, who’s to say that they don’t give us rat’s milk at school?

What if some big shot business guy was watching that episode of the Simpsons with his kids and thought it was a great idea?  There’s probably a LOT more money to be made by milking rats than there is from milking cows.

Think about it!  Rats are everywhere.  You can even breed them yourself so you don’t have to buy them.  They eat a lot less than cows, and they’re a lot smaller so it’s easier to find a place to keep them. 

Really, now that I think about it, milking rats is probably a genius idea.  I’d be really surprised if somebody isn’t doing it! 

Saturday

Boogie and I were working on our YouTube show today, and Boogie’s Dad actually helped us come up with a great idea!  He had the radio on in the kitchen and was listening to the news while he was emptying the dishwasher.

(We call it “Dad’s Dishwasher” because it basically is.  I don’t know how it works in your house, but in our house, doing the dishes is one of Dad’s chores that Mom has assigned to him.)

Boogie was asking him something, and then the news guy on the radio started talking about all these snakes that are causing trouble in the swamps in Florida.  Snakes are pretty cool, so we all started talking about it.

It turns out these weren’t natural, wild snakes that were native to Florida (Boogie’s dad says native means that’s where they’re originally from), but they were snakes that people had bought as pets and then released once they got too big and the people didn’t want them anymore.

(Snakes are kinda cute when they’re just little guys.  You can sorta see why someone would want one as a pet.)

Boogie’s dad says they’re irresponsible pet owners.  I agree with him.  He says it’s pretty dumb for people to buy a pet like a snake without thinking what’s going to happen once they get big, especially snakes like these which are Burmese Pythons that get HUGE! 

(They’re not so cute when they’re HUGE.  Imagine how much it would cost to feed this guy!)

Pythons are like those snakes you see in the movies that kill people by wrapping themselves around them and squeezing until the person is crushed to death! 

Boogie’s dad says he thinks people have to be nuts to want to keep one of those as a pet.  He thinks they’re too dangerous.

Boogie and I actually think it might be kind of cool to have a Burmese Python for a pet.  It would sure make things interesting on bring-your-pet-to-school day!

Just imagine how high our cool status would be that day!  All the other kids are showing up with their hamsters, gerbils, turtles, goldfish, and maybe a few dogs and cats.  Then bam!

Boogie and I show up with this HUGE Burmese Python dangling across our necks, both of us carrying it in because it’s SO big that it’s hard for just one of us to carry!  Everybody’s eyes would be bugging out, and we’d be like instant celebrities! 

All the kids would be begging us to touch our snake!

Even the scared ones would be wanting to at least get a little closer for a better look. 

We’d be super-stars!  Instantly famous!  The Snake Dudes!!!

Maybe Boogie and I would even get tattoos of our snake on our arms! 

Or we could get SUPER big ones on our backs!

Then our cool status would be off the charts!  We might just be the coolest people on the planet at that point, or the coolest people in our school at the very least.

Boogie’s dad says the snakes are a BIG problem.  Apparently they’re eating all the rest of the wild animals in the Everglades (that’s a fancy name for a swamp.  Boogie’s dad says the name Everglades specifically refers to a big section of swamp or wetlands in the bottom part of Florida). 

I guess this would be really crappy if you’re one of the animals that’s getting eaten.  The guy on the radio said the pythons will eat almost anything, including rabbits, raccoons, opossums, and birds.  Apparently they’ll EVEN eat bobcats and alligators!!!

Now that would be pretty cool to watch.  A snake hunting an alligator, catching it, and then swallowing it whole!