Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission (87 page)

In some cases the loser may have to sexually please the winner’s husband or boyfriend. That’s where it’s not the same as a collegiate match. However, it isn’t the same as a war, either. This ain’t Vietnam! This is sexuality. [Personally], I take almost no active role, except sexually with one of the wrestlers, if I’m involved with her or if she wants it. I had a scene at a friend’s house, here in New York City, in which the women were doing a fun-type catfight. They wanted a scenario of fighting over a man [and] the winner needed a sexual release of some kind. That was my role. I jumped at the opportunity! I want to underscore that this happens
really rarely
in my life.

There is a theory held by people of all scales of intelligence—I being at the lower end of the scale—that we’re all, to some extent, bisexual. So a lot of what happens when women wrestle each other [is that] it brings out either their bisexuality or lesbian sexual desire. There is also a whole segment of wrestlers who are lesbians, by lifestyle, by declaration. I know several [lesbian couples] who wrestle at home as a sexual pastime. Most male fans will tell you that a match between lesbians is probably one of the best matches that you can have, because, though this is a flawed generalization, lesbians feel much greater comfort with another female body—grabbing it and touching it, at least initially—than straight women.

Legitimization [of amateur wrestling] is a major trend. [Another] major development is the entry of bodybuilders. There’s a woman on [the television show]
American Gladiators
who is a world-class bodybuilder [and] also an amateur wrestler. Another trend is much more nudity in high-quality wrestling. There was a time not long ago when the good wrestling was done with bathing suits and the sexy stuff was done nude, and they had nothing to do with each other. Now you can buy videotapes with two naked women who put on a very good match.

I believe that there’s a large [segment] of people involved in wrestling—men and women—who are doing it as a function of D&S. The sexual expression is often couched in D&S terms, but I think that the real issue remains the psychological question. There’s a point in most of these matches at which one person totally caves in psychologically. Usually it happens two thirds of the way through, and there is a process of submission: One of the women simply stops fighting effectively. She has become passive—not what [D&Sers] call submissive, but submissive in real terms. At that point the winner literally can do whatever she wants with the loser. It strikes me that that’s the point of consensual power exchange.

There is [also] an identifiable D&S circle within female wrestling. Certain punishments, certain kinds of S&M activity, even restraint, are used after the contest in some cases. I don’t think this is [typical], but I know for a fact that it does occur and that when some women defeat an opponent, they
like to restrain her in some way and spank or paddle her. [Still], a lot of people in female wrestling say, “Those B&D weirdos, keep them away from me!” There’s a close-mindedness among people who are engaged in an activity that [others] would consider quite kinky in itself.

[I am] heterosexual. I’m something of a switch and do some top, some bottom, mostly in a playful context. [D&S is] an important part of my life: It’s important in the way I define my relationships with my lovers, in that, for me, sexual behavior is very much a matter of power relationships. In general, [it] is confined to the metaphorical bedroom; I turn that all off when I come out [in] to the real world and don’t really think about it much.

My particular interest has always been in wrestling. It probably goes back to grade three. There was this one young girl in my class who took endless delight in marching out every recess and locking me in a full-nelson hold so that the arms come up and you can’t move. [She would] just walk me around the playground for the next 15 minutes. That went on for quite a while. That [was] the first time I got attention from the opposite sex, and it probably tied a lot into the way I deal with people on a sexual level.

My D&S interest was so ingrained in the way I thought about myself sexually that it was [like my having] arms or legs or hair. It was just another part of me. I’m pretty comfortable with what turns me on, and I’m pretty forthright about it with people. I found that, maybe because I’m fairly light and fairly new, I’m not very threatening. Most people that I’ve dealt with are interested in at least exploring; some are a lot more interested in exploring than I am.

My favorite activity rotates around wrestling. It’s an important part of what turns me on; so usually the first time or two that [I’m] in bed [with a lover] during pillow talk, we start talking about what turns us on, and I’m not coy about it. [The response] has been a mixed bag. Some have said, “Oh, that’s interesting,” and pretty much ignored it, but some have been quite enthusiastic. Obviously those are the ones that I hung around with more.

A couple of months [ago] one of my lovers was in town for an extended visit. We had dinner and a quiet night. One of the things that I like is the outfits and the costumes involved—tight leotards and tight-fitting lingerie—and this particular lover of mine knows and [is] interested in it, too. She always makes a point of bringing something interesting with her. She’d been telling me she had a new outfit she wanted to model. I said, “Why don’t you go show me your new outfit?” She went off to the bathroom, and I went into the bedroom. I changed into an outfit that I know she likes to see me in: a pair of Lycra running tights and a racer-back-type shirt which shows a lot of
body. I have a futon mattress on the floor, with no frame, [so] I can pull it out in the middle of the room, strip the blankets off, and have a mat ready to go. [When] she came back, she was wearing a black body stocking, with tank shoulders [exposing] cleavage, and leggings.

We grab each other and take turns throwing off, struggling to throw the opponent onto the mat, forcing their shoulders to the mat, and trying to prevent yourself from having that happen. Usually we get both sexually and physically hot and sweaty. Most times, I tend to win. I’m a bit bigger and in better shape. That particular evening, it segued into a dominance-and-bondage situation. I pinned her and defeated her decisively. After the match, I got a verbal submission from her one last time: “Do you submit?” “Yes.” I stripped off her body stocking, and then I stripped off the leggings I was wearing and tied her arms with them. Then we [had] intercourse while I reminded her of the fact that she [was] submitting to me and that I was dominant over her—playing on that image.

We’ve taken turns being dominant [and] tying the other up. Being constrained or constricted [is] a very powerful image for me erotically. I remember another time she wore an outfit that was all black lace [on] top and a long black skirt that we’d picked out a few days before with a pair of boots. The room was lit by just one candle, quiet music in the background. She proceeded to order me to strip and then to stand up and be inspected so she could slowly walk around and inspect and quietly caress me. That was a very good moment, standing there with her circling and eyeing me, with this critical look on her face. And then, in a more sinister tone, ordering me to kneel and then to lie down. She [sat] on me; I had my hands held over my head rather than tied. She proceeded to make slow caressing movements without allowing me to move, and while that was going on, I was verbally submitting to her: “Yes, ma’am,” or “Yes, milady.” She would order me to kiss her body or to watch her fondle herself or whatever.

That was probably one of the strongest D&S situations that I’ve ever been in—not because it was particularly heavy, but because it was a very mental situation. [That] in some ways is a higher level than the physical stuff. Psychological D&S is what you’re getting at in other forms: Wrestling [is] a physical manifestation of a mental [state]. Vanilla sex isn’t necessary to complete a scene. [But] at this point we generally get so worked up that it leads into some sort of vanilla sex as well.

SECTION SEVEN

F
LUID
M
YSTERIES

Twenty-Four

I
n human sexuality the most profound taboos are often counterbalanced by intense longings to transgress the fragile borders between the permitted and the forbidden. In this section we look at the most common activities associated with water sports—the erotic interest in enemas and in urine. Water sports, perhaps more than any other activity, challenge our models of acceptable intimate behavior, for to breach this taboo is to explore a primal pleasure which children are taught, early on, to disavow. Perhaps the discomfort that
water sports arouse even in sophisticated researchers explains the comparative rarity of studies of water sports as an erotic phenomenon.

This chapter features an interview with Joseph Bean, who is 44 years old and was raised in the Ozarks. He now lives in San Francisco. At the time of this interview he was the editor of
Drummer
and
Mach
magazines,
Tough Customer
books, and the managing editor of
Dungeon Master
and
Sand-Mutopia Guardian
magazines. He is a nationally known S/M spokesperson. Mr. Bean is “very nearly exclusively homosexual” and has a life partner.

Water sports generally include erotic interests in elimination—either artificially induced (as in enemas) or occurring naturally. The euphemistic evocation of clear, life-affirming waters indicates the sensuous and primal pleasure aficionados associate with these somewhat sedentary sports.

Clinically, the acts and practices associated with water sports are classified among several different paraphilias.
Klismaphilia
is the eroticization of enemas, whether giving or receiving.
Urophilia
(also known as
undinism, urosexuality, golden showers
, and
piss play
) denotes an erotic stimulus from viewing, being showered by, or ingesting urine (also known as
urolagnia
) or from urinating upon another.
Coprophilia
(also known as
brown showers
or
scat
) involves similar practices, but the erotic substance is human feces. Other related paraphilias include
catheterophilia
(eroticizing the use of urinary catheters),
mysophilia
(eroticizing filth), and
olfactophilia
(stimulation by smell, or smell fetishism). But while grouping golden showers with klismaphilia, coprophilia, and so on may be typologically and clinically convenient, the waters are muddied by the superficial similarity between acts that have inherently dissimilar motivations and rituals, and which serve different erotic purposes for participants.