Dirty Little Secret (6 page)

Cailin wrapped her arms back around herself, then firmed her trembling lips and raised her chin as if he could see her.
No, it definitely won’t. I’ll be stronger tomorrow
. Her defiance wavered.
Just…leave me alone tonight. Please. Let me wallow like the idiot I am.

“I wish I could make you understand. What I wanted. Why I did…what I did. There’s so much I wish I could say.”

Then why don’t you? I felt…thought…a lot of things. None of them were real. I thought you were a jerk, but something’s not right about that either. So what is going on, Alex?

“But that’s not going to happen, is it?”

Why not?

“Okay,” he said, as if coming to some conclusion. His next words were firm, resolved. “Thank you, Cailin. As much as you must hate me”—his breath huffed out in a rush, and she saw a hand scruff his hair—“thank you. You gave me something I’ll always treasure. No, not that,” he said teasingly, a little bit of the old Alex sneaking through their mutual tension. He sobered immediately. “Freedom. You gave me freedom, just for a little while. Repaying you this way seems doubly unfair, but…thank you.”

She shook her head in confusion.

“This isn’t really helping, is it?” Alex stood up on the other side of the door and turned to face her. She wished she could see his face clearly, wished… Yeah, they’d been over all of that, hadn’t they? Wishing didn’t change what was.

And then his soft, damning whisper. “As much of a bastard as it makes me, I hope you don’t forget what we had, even if we never have it again.” The traitorous part of her latched on to that
if
, but she ignored it and watched in fascination as his hand pressed to the clear glass. “I know I won’t.”

Cailin clamped both hands over her mouth as the urge to respond overwhelmed her. The only choice she really had was to ignore him. Anything else would damn her soul, and not because a church or deity decreed it. Because marriage vows were sacred; “to have and to hold” actually meant something to her.

No one had understood when she’d walked away from Sean. She had forsaken her marriage vows, they’d said. But she hadn’t. She’d walked away because of those vows. Because her husband had broken those vows by turning his back on her, refusing to touch her, love her, support her. Be a friend, much less a husband, to her. Alex had done the same to Sara Beth. How could she trust, much less want a man like that?

She couldn’t. Wouldn’t. Better to cut the cord now.

She didn’t move. Not when his palm slid down the glass like a tear. Not when his footsteps retreated across the front porch. And, God help her, not even when she heard his car start, then drive away. She stayed against the door, holding herself, rocking and praying she could somehow, someway, make it through this with a vague semblance of her sanity still intact. It was a stretch, but they did say God was merciful.

You never know. Even a woman with as many letters on her chest as you might have a chance, Cailin.

* * * *

He was laid out across his bed when Sara Beth found him later that night. Dressed in her usual cotton cami and pajama pants, she crossed the room with her customary unhurried, feminine swing that drew every male eye that witnessed it, climbed onto the high bed, and cuddled up to his side. Her head automatically settled in the hollow of his biceps, just below his shoulder like it had a million times before, just as they’d lain together like this a million times before. So long that Alex couldn’t remember anymore the first time it had happened.

“You are brooding.” A mischievous spark added twinkle to her tired eyes. She was carrying a lot of weight on her shoulders supervising Ian’s project and the rest of the development department, but he hadn’t noticed she was tired until now. Why hadn’t he? He sighed as his gaze traced a bruise-like shadow under one moss-green eye. Because he’d been too focused on his own problems, of course. Selfish bastard.

It took a moment to remember her comment. “Hmm. What makes you say that?”

She nodded toward the stereo, the sound of an acoustic guitar and Johnny Rzeznik spilling out softly. “You always listen to the Goo Goo Dolls when you’re brooding. It’s the only time you’ll ignore how old this stuff makes you.”

He poked her in the side, earning a giggle. “I’m only a couple of years older than you, love. And good music never goes out of style. I like ‘this stuff,’ thank you very much.”

Her pert nose wrinkled. “You would.”

They fell back into silence, their breathing in sync, their bodies relaxed. They’d been friends so long words weren’t really necessary anymore, and yet he still felt as if she read him like an open book.

Alex shut his eyes and let the crooning music and Sara Beth’s warmth along his side work their magic. These were his favorite times, in the quiet with her. They were the only times when worry and stress could be pushed away.

Except with Cailin. You weren’t stressed with her either.

“Are you going to tell me what happened, Alex?”

Now that the moment was here, he found he didn’t really want to; it felt like betraying Cailin. Not to mention revealing what an idiot he’d been tonight to follow her home. Instead he traced that shadow once more. “You’re not getting enough sleep.”

A raised brow challenged him. “That’s what you’re going with, really? Because I could think of much better distractions. That one isn’t going to work.” Sneaky fingers grabbed the T-shirt-covered skin along his ribs, almost exactly the place where he’d poked her, but the quick, vicious pinch they gave made him yelp.

A satisfied smile curved her lips. “Serves you right. Now spill it, or there’s more where that came from.”

“And everybody thinks you’re such a lady.”

Words weren’t necessary. Her finger and thumb tapped together twice, hovering in the space between them.

He rubbed the offended—and now threatened—spot and tried like hell to figure out what to say.

“I know it has something to do with your new assistant.”

Alex tightened his lips to keep from speaking.

“So, what, you want to get in her pants? Of course you do. I’ve been around you too long to miss
that
look in your eye.”

Sara Beth laughed when all he could get out was spluttered gibberish. Heat rose to embarrass him. “God, woman, you’re a menace.”

She propped her head up on one hand and giggled over his arm at him. “I know, love.” A pause. “So…is that it?”

“Not exactly.” Sensing tension and something else he couldn’t quite put his finger on creeping into her still form, reaching across the inches separating them, he gathered his shrinking balls from their hiding place and forced out the words. “We…were together. This past weekend.”

Nothing. Just quiet breathing, then finally, “Together?”

“I went to Thrice, remember?” It made him a coward, but he threw an arm over his eyes, desperate to avoid hers. This was new ground for them, and he had no idea how she’d take it.

“So you met, danced…”

“And had sex.”

“Good.”

He jerked upright. “What?” He couldn’t have heard that right.

“I said, ‘good.’ You needed it.” Sara Beth sat up too, reaching out to grip his jaw and tug it toward her; his nose ended up inches from hers. “You think I’m stupid? I knew this would happen eventually.” She searched his soul through his irises, and a crease appeared between her eyebrows. “Didn’t you?”

“Sara Beth, you deserve—”

“I’ve gotten way more than I ever deserved in you, love. Don’t doubt that I know that, all the way.” She gave him a quick kiss on the tip of his nose before releasing him. “So you went to bed with her; that’s kinda awkward now that you know she works for you.”

“Not nearly as awkward as her thinking I’m an adulterer who deserves to be castrated.”

Sara Beth winced. Then her irrepressible smile returned. “Now wouldn’t that be a loss to the human race.”

Drawing one knee up between them, she laid her head on it, staring at him. Waiting. Fuck, she knew him too well.

“I tried to talk to her about everything. I didn’t… Let’s just say I made things worse.” Major understatement. He’d spent the last nine hours wishing his control had been stronger than the pendulum swing of emotions that had ridden him for those few brief minutes in his office this morning.

“Got mad, huh?”

“Yes,
love
”—he used the pet name deliberately, knowing she’d hear the
minx
it actually meant—“very mad.”

“It hurt, having her see you that way.” Her fingers tapped out a thoughtful rhythm on her kneecap. “She means something to you.”

Alex shook his head at that last statement. “Her opinion of me matters, more than I realized.”
More than anything, maybe.

Which made his failure doubly damning. Stern and tough had been his aim—keep the feelings locked down tight; they wouldn’t help anyway. Then he’d looked at her tear-swollen face and felt helpless, torn between his need to comfort her and the need to keep his word to Sara Beth. He hadn’t known what to say—that had been the absolute truth. The pain her reaction generated had surprised him and blown the gasket off his anger.

Could he be any more of a pussy? He wanted to make it up to her; he wanted her out of here; he didn’t know what he wanted.

“So what’s the plan?”

“For what?” he asked.

“For winning her over.”

He ran his hand back and forth across his chest, the rasp of the T-shirt against his skin a dim reflection of the grim resignation scouring his mind. “No plan.”

“What? Why? Alex—”

Gently shaking his head at her, he pointed out, “There is no win-win solution here. If I’m with her and someone finds out… It can’t happen. And what kind of offer is that? ‘Hey, let’s fuck. But you can’t tell anyone. And you can’t be seen with me in public. Oh, and by the way, I’m not really a prick for sleeping around on my wife, but I can’t tell you why.’”

“Alex—”

“No! We’ve talked about this. I will not jeopardize you. He cannot know.”

Sara Beth shivered, and he gathered her back into his arms, resting his chin on the top of her head, surrounding her with his strength. His priorities had been set years ago, long before their six-month-old marriage, and loneliness or horniness or whatever this was wouldn’t change them. He loved Sara Beth too much to even consider it.

Several minutes passed before she stirred. “Do you regret it?” she asked him softly.

Alex pulled back to stare straight into her eyes. Brushing her long ginger-red bangs away from her face, he brushed his lips just as tenderly along the corner of her mouth, the same spot as this morning, the spot where he always kissed her. His spot. “Not for a moment, love. Not for a moment.”

Forcing himself to walk away from Cailin tonight had felt like a kick to his gut, but he’d known it was necessary. He wasn’t free to have her, not now, possibly not ever, and she deserved better than the self-serving asshole he would be if he allowed himself to take her again. How they’d both make it through the next months, he wasn’t sure, but one thing was certain: if he’d thought his life had been a hard, private hell before, he hadn’t seen anything yet.

Chapter Five

“Mr. Keane on line one, Mr. Brannigan.”

Alex gritted his teeth. After being subjected to it for the past two weeks, Cailin’s clinical tone irritated him almost as much as the knowledge that he’d have to talk to Sara Beth’s father. It wasn’t like he could get out of it; the man was CEO of Keane Industries. Sometimes it seemed he existed just to make their lives a living hell. There was a time when Alex had respected him tremendously, back before he had seen how John Keane treated his daughter, but that respect had come and gone a long time ago.

Clicking his Bluetooth to the correct channel, he braced himself to be pleasant. “John! How’s sunny California?”

He thought he’d miss California when they moved here to Atlanta, especially the milder weather, but Alex would have gladly given up the next six years of sunny-and-seventy days to get Sara Beth away from her father’s constant interference—which was, in effect, what he’d done, wasn’t it?

“Alex.” That stern tone still had the power to draw starch into his spine. Old habits. “What’s going on with this problem in development? Can’t that Walker idiot get his head out of his ass? I sent you out there to fix things, not let that fellow float into the exosphere and make them worse.”

As if Alex could really control Ian, not that it was his job. The man was fast becoming the most recognized researcher in the field of augmented-reality applications, essentially the use of overlay displays on real-time pictures to “augment” or enhance what a viewer was seeing, and he worked much better without interference. Sara Beth understood that, and her running of the development department had freed Ian to focus on his research, as well as giving her a position of power within the company. Eventually, they hoped, that power could be garnered into influence on the board and disarm John’s threats to cut her out of the company now that her husband was in charge. “I’m waiting on Sara Beth and Ian for an update now.”

John humphed. “Don’t have time for you to be sitting on your hands, young man, especially not waiting on a woman. We need results. This research has been six years in the making—”

Ignoring the dig at Sara Beth, Alex said, “And will handle six more minutes, John. Relax.”

Alex could practically feel the blood beginning to boil in the man’s veins through the phone line, but John’s only response was a grunt.

Might as well get it over with; John was never in this bad a mood unless he’d had words with Sara Beth. “Is it just me today, or is there something else bothering you?”

“Usually it is you,” the other man grumbled. They’d known each other long enough for John to use him as a scapegoat for his ill humor and for Alex to mostly let it slide right off his back. Mostly. “Sara Elizabeth called.”

Damn
. “Really?”

“Yes. The girl still doesn’t have her head on right.” The man never called her by her preferred name, and he never called her a woman. She would always be a girl in his eyes, which Alex could understand to some extent. Sara Beth’s mother had died when she was a baby, so she was the only family the man had left. But she’d grown up a long time ago.