Dirty Little Secrets (26 page)

Whatever problems Brian had, I couldn’t escape the realization that I was sick for staying in the relationship. I needed to
put the welfare of my unborn baby ahead of this sickness I shared with Brian. But before I could make a final decision, there
were some questions I needed answered.

Sitting on the barstool tapping my finger on the glass table, I picked up the cordless to place a much needed phone call.
“Hi. Is this Beverly?” I asked solemnly.

“Who’s calling?” she responded with underlined attitude.

“This is Tyler Blake.”

“What do you want?”

“Listen, I’m not trying to cause you problems, but I need to ask you a few questions. I’m at a crossroad in my relationship
with Brian, and I hoped you could clarify a few of my concerns.”

“Crossroad?” She paused and smacked her lips. “What do you mean, a crossroad?”

“A turning point. I was told Brian took you and the baby on a vacation to Aruba. He has adamantly denied it and says your
relationship is solely based on your daughter, that there isn’t any sort of romantic dalliances jumping off. Is he telling
the truth, or is he making you the same sort of promises he’s making me?”

“I can’t speak for Brian because he is his own man, but I will
tell you this. I’m the mother of his child, so no matter what you think you have with him, it doesn’t compare to our bond.
You know he has a child with me, so you need to just let him go.”

“For your information, Brian didn’t tell me about you or his daughter; I found out from a mutual friend. After being caught
in his lie, he took responsibility and said he only wanted to be there for his daughter. I’m trying to find out if his lies
are continuing or if he is being honest with me about his relationship with you.”

“I’m not about to ease your mind, because now you do know about me and the baby. If you were any type of woman, you would
let Brian go so he can be with his family. But you’re probably nothing but a whore anyway.”

Do people ever grow tired of throwing the word
whore
around? It’s so juvenile and pathetic. It’s as if you can’t extend your vocabulary and think of anything better to say, so
you just use the
whore
word.

After hanging the phone up with Beverly, I was more torn than ever. Brian had her so programmed that she wouldn’t reveal any
of his dirt. But she still managed to leave me feeling guilty because of their daughter. But I too was carrying Brian’s child,
and our son or daughter deserved a stable life. I was so confused and couldn’t comprehend any of it. What you don’t understand
is what you fear the most, and I was tired of being afraid of the unknown.

As Brian strolled through the front door, my legs became weak and I sat down. When he walked down the hall toward me, I admired
his perfect cinnamon complexion and beautiful smile, and I visualized the gorgeous baby he would give me.

“Hi, baby,” Brian said as he kissed me on my forehead. He
walked back toward the kitchen and went in the refrigerator and pulled out a Heineken.

“Brian, we need to talk.”

“If it’s about your conversation with Beverly, I’m not mad. I understand you have some concerns and questions. Did you get
the answers that you need?” I was so surprised by Brian’s laid-back attitude that I almost lost my train of thought. But I
quickly regrouped and continued.

“Actually I did.” Brian’s eyebrows raised, and he ogled me quizzically. He’d assumed that Beverly hadn’t told me a damn thing,
when what she didn’t say spoke volumes.

“Really, what was that?”

“Brian, we can’t be together anymore. I want you to be a part of our baby’s life, but our relationship is over.” I let out
a long sigh, feeling relieved the words had finally come out.

“Tyler, if you’re concerned about my relationship with Beverly, it’s almost taken care of. I’m going to let her have the condo,
and you and I are going to get a house together. I was trying to be diplomatic with her because you know how women can get
sometimes. I was afraid she’d wild out and threaten to keep my daughter away from me and take me to the cleaners for a whole
bunch of child support. But we’ve worked past that, and she’s accepting the fact that we’re not getting back together.”

“I don’t believe you, because the Beverly I spoke to hasn’t accepted anything. But for argument’s sake, let’s just say you’re
telling the truth. It’s too late. The damage has already been done. I should’ve left you when I first found out about Beverly
and the baby, but I couldn’t let go. I was determined to make you suffer and feel the same pain that you caused me. You ripped
my heart out, Brian, and I wanted to rip out yours. But it didn’t work. All I accomplished was further destroying myself.”

“Tyler, just stop; stop this nonsense. You know we belong together, and no matter what you say, you’ll never leave me.”

“I believed that to be true at one time, but it isn’t the case anymore. When I look in the mirror, I don’t like the person
staring back at me. I continue to go from one abusive relationship to another, and it has to stop. This relationship is so
twisted that you actually recorded my phone conversations so you could know my every thought. You’re sick, and so am I. Somewhere
in my life I stopped loving me, and now I have to find that love again, because without it I’ll never be happy.” Brian moved
near me and stroked my face, as he knelt his head down to place a kiss on my lips. I turned my cheek.

“Baby, I love you,” Brian whispered.

“Sometimes love isn’t enough,” I said, pushing him out of the way.

“Are you sure this is what you want, Tyler?”

“Yes, this is what I need to do for me and our baby. Our child doesn’t deserve to grow up in a household full of dysfunction.
We owe it more than that.” Brian stood there shaking his head, speechless. “I do want you to be part of the baby’s life and
mine, but as a friend.”

“That’s funny. You honestly believe that with all we’ve been through we can somehow be just friends? I don’t think so…and
I’ll tell you what else. I’m not going to make it easy for you to walk out of my life. That baby you’re carrying is mine.
I own it, just like I own you. By the time you give birth, you’ll be begging me to take you back because you’ll have nothing.”

“What are you talking about? Are you saying you’re not going to give me any financial support during my pregnancy?”

“You’re fucking right. You think I’m going to pay you to leave me?” Brian grabbed my hand and snatched off the engagement
ring he had given me less than six months earlier.

“This isn’t about you. This is about the child I’m carrying. How am I supposed to support myself?”

“You should’ve thought about that before you stepped on your soapbox.” Brian turned his back on me and walked away. I sat
down to digest the conversation. Would Brian really leave me pregnant with no sort of financial assistance? I couldn’t fathom
that reality.

The phone rang early in the morning. To my dismay I had fallen asleep on the couch. The microwave clock said it was only eight
thirty, and for a moment I wished I had taken the phone off the hook. When I answered it, Chrissie was hysterical. “Tyler,
what the fuck happened? I came in the office this morning, and the locks were changed. All my stuff was packed up in boxes
and stacked outside the door. When I called the building manager to find out what the fuck was going on, he said Mr. McCall
told him the company was under new management and to change the locks.”

“What!” I said, stunned.

“You fucking heard me! When I called Brian, he said my services were no longer needed and any further questions should be
directed to you. So what the hell happened?” By this point I had lain back on the floor spread-eagle style, looking at the
ceiling and believing I was caught in a nightmare.

“Chrissie, I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t want your damn apology. I want to know what the fuck is going on. I put my heart and soul into this business, and
Brian in a blink of an eye can just pull the rug out from under me? This is outrageous!”

“It’s a long story, but Brian and I broke up. The decision was
mine and I knew he wasn’t happy with it, but never did I think he would go this far.”

“This man is turning my life upside down over some girlfriend-slash-boyfriend drama? You have to be kidding me. He’s not going
to get away with this. I will sue that psychotic motherfucker.”

“Chrissie, wait,” I said, but she had already hung up. Brian sent his message loud and clear. If possible he would take everything
from me and leave me with nothing. Immediately my mind kicked into survival mode. I called my bank to check the balance in
my savings account. I had ten thousand dollars, which would barely cover two months’ rent. I looked down at my ringless finger
and went to my jewelry box to see what items I could sell. I had a couple of tennis bracelets, diamond studs, a Chopard watch,
and the diamond necklace Ian bought me. The items would bring me a nice piece of change, but my bills were large, and on top
of that I had medical expenses due to the baby. My head was spinning and I needed to calm down. Without a second thought,
I called Mother.

“Mommy,” I shrilled, sounding five years old when Mother picked up.

“Tyler, what’s wrong and why are you calling so early?” Mother was never an early bird, but this couldn’t wait.

“Mother, I told Brian that I don’t want to be with him anymore but I want us to remain friends for the sake of the baby. All
has gone downhill since then. He shut down Chrissie’s and my business, and he has threatened to cut me off financially.”

“Pull it together, Tyler, and stop all that crying. What did you expect for Brian to do, roll out the red carpet? You need
to swallow your pride and tell him you want him back,” Mother stated firmly.

“But, Mother, he’s abusive, and I don’t know what his relationship is with his baby mother. There are just too many issues,
and they are making my life miserable.”

“Get over it. Brian is an excellent provider and you’re carrying his child. His baby mother is irrelevant as long as he continues
to give you everything you want and need. It’s time for you to get your priorities in order.”

“But, Mother, I want someone to really love me.”

“Stop living in a fantasy world, Tyler. Brian does love you, the best way he knows how. I’m not saying he is perfect, but
he treats you good and will always take excellent care of you and the baby. What more do you want?”

“Self-respect, honesty, and a little loyalty would be nice,” I said sarcastically. Mother was so caught up in the financial
security Brian could provide, that she ignored my cries of abuse. In her mind she assumed it was mental abuse, and Mother
believed that was just part of the torture you endured in being with a man. No, I had never told her that it was mental
and
physical abuse, but part of me wondered if it would’ve made a difference.

“I gave you my advice. Take him back, enjoy your pregnancy, and relax. You’re making this way too complicated.”

“Mother, I don’t want Brian back. Our relationship isn’t healthy. I need you to help me, Mother. Would you please send me
some money?”

“No.” Mother said point-blank. “I’m not going to fund your stupidity. You have a man right there who can give you anything
that you want. Call him.”

“Don’t you hear me? I hate myself when I’m with him. I’m begging you to please help me.”

“Sorry, Tyler, you’re on your own. I hope you will come to your senses and reconcile with Brian, because I will not be sending
you
any money. And don’t even think about calling your father because he is in the south of France with his new wife.”

“Mother, don’t do this to me. You never take my feelings into consideration. All my life you’ve done what you wanted and ignored
what was going on inside of me. You’ve never even apologized for taking my real father away from me. But what makes it worse
is that he never came back for me. If my own father didn’t want me, I could never believe that any other man would. That’s
why I allowed myself to be mistreated for so long, because I never felt worthy of love. I still don’t. But I have a baby growing
inside me, and I refuse for this child to have the same miserable existence that I had.”

“Stop being so dramatic; your hormones are in overdrive due to the pregnancy. You have no idea what you’re talking about.
But this too shall pass, and it will all work out. You and Brian will be back together in no time. After the baby is born,
I’ll come visit you. Now, dear, I really want to get a couple more hours of sleep. I’ll speak to you later.” Once again Mother
wrote off my cry for help, leaving me to turn to a man who constantly hurt me.

I called Brian and pleaded with him one last time to do the right thing and help me financially. He simply said, “You should
never bite the hand that feeds you,” and hung up.

I sat back for a minute trying to determine exactly when my life went to shambles. Here I was six months pregnant, contemplating
my financial resources in order to get through my horrendous circumstances. I scrolled through the yellow pages, calling all
jewelry stores that bought merchandise and seeing who offered the best prices. I narrowed my search down to three, gathered
my goods, got dressed, and headed out.