Dirty Old Man (A True Story) (26 page)

it's been sooooo long!
Do you think you'll ever come back to visit the UK?
I'd love to come over to Oz at some point but am probably a couple of years away from that with ----------- being so young.
Bet you don't remember dancing round your living room to Delirium - Silence? Every time I hear it, it reminds me of that moment haha.
Look forward to hearing from you soon, hope you're well :)
Loadsa love 
Moll xxxx

*****

I miss you so much. Love Moll :( xxxxx

     The e-mail dated 2
nd
May 2008 would be the last I’d hear from Celine. In 2010 she sadly took her own life and I wouldn’t discover this until 2012, a whole two years later, whilst trying to track her down again because my emails to her were being returned.

The pain of discovering the death of a loved one through an online obituary is one that takes a long time to heal. I’d been so wrapped up, enjoying my own life that I assumed she’d always be there
at the end of an email at my convenience.

I desperately wish I’d added her on
Skype to have seen her face just one last time. My hotmail account containing many more of our email exchanges prior to these, became deactivated as I hadn’t logged in.

     Celine had sent me a photograph of her wedding day. It was of her wearing the dress we bought on our shopping trip to Monsoon on the evening of the fashion show, the pink mandarin style dress that she loved so much. I lost the photograph along with the emails but the image will stay in my heart forever.

She was there when I needed her the most; I wish as an adult that I would have been able to help her through her problems as she did for me. I never knew they existed; she always hid it behind a smile.

     I refused to speculate the circumstances surrounding her suicide; I don’t believe anybody could possibly imagine the torment one must feel to take their own life. I’d speculated enough about Darren’s suicide and I realised that whilst I did, there was no chance of
my grieving properly. I just didn’t want to let go of either of them. Now I know that I don’t have to because I’ll always keep the best of them in my memories.

Nobody can tell us when it’s okay to stop grieving a loved one, it is however, fair to allow ourselves to adjust to life without them. After all, they would have only wished for our happiness.

     We often holiday on the east coast, which means briefly passing through Peterborough. It used to fill me with dread as I’d associated the place with abuse. They were feelings I’d put in my own mind though and I slowly came to realise that I was wrong.

However haunting the place looks when the fog rolls in, and despite feeling like I’m stuck in a time warp whenever we drive past; it’s a city standing in its own right.

     There has been so much tragedy in my life; there have been so many wonderful things happen also. To say my life is perfectly balanced now would be premature of me, as we never know what’s lurking around the corner.

What I do know, is that right now I’m happy, and apparently I make others happy too which is important to me.

It’s dismal and drizzling outside as I type, but I’m no longer looking out of a plastic kitchen window as a scared child. I’m watching the world go by and I’m finally glad to have found my place in it.

If I had a wish to use today,

I’d turn back time to yesterday.

My friend was hurting but he didn’t say,

So I couldn’t help him in any way.

Even the adults are crying now,

They couldn’t help either

They didn’t know how.

He didn’t say how he was feeling low,

I could have helped him, though I’ll never know.

Now up to heaven my friend will fly

He’ll light up the clouds

And
he’ll dance in the sky.

And when it’s my turn

And I depart,

I know he’ll be waiting

To mend my heart.