Discovering Us (7 page)

I stopped and turned around, glaring at him. Then my glare went to Nick who still sat in my drive wanting to see the show, I guessed. I waved at him and he finally got the hint, waving back then pulling out to leave.

Jag was there then. “El, let me explain.”

I looked up at him, not able to keep the hurt from my eyes. He took a step toward me and I took one back.

“El…”

And that’s when the tears came. Damn it.

“El, I’m so sorry. Please, let me explain things to you.”

I couldn’t stop crying long enough to speak. He was on his own here.

“Will you come sit in the car with me?” he asked.

I nodded, crossing my arms over my chest as I continued crying, and followed him to his car. He opened the passenger door for me and I slid inside, but I started crying even harder when I thought that this could be the last time I’d ever be inside the damned thing.

When he got in, he started it. “Ride with me?” he asked, looking over at me.

All I could do was nod, the lump in my throat keeping me from talking. He didn’t talk either as we drove. We ended up at his thinking place, which also made me want to cry, not knowing if we’d ever go there together again. Despite the lump in my throat, I wanted to scream. Wanted to throw a fit and ask him what the hell was going on, but I remained silent as we stared out at the city below us, the tears silently flowing down my face.

He cleared his throat then said, “What happened tonight isn’t what you thought it was, El.”

I lowered my head, looking down at my hands in my lap, wondering how it could’ve been anything else.

He reached over and lifted my chin with his finger, turning me to face him. The look on his face gutted me; he was so distraught and unsure of himself. “El, what you saw was nothing. I went in the room to get your pants for you figuring you’d probably be cold, but before I could, Blair came in. She was upset and crying and told me what’d happened with her and Josh. We sat down and talked about it for a bit. She was really torn up. Hell, I wasn’t much better, wondering if you were going to break up with me.”

I frowned at that. He really thought I was going to break up with him?

“What you saw was, well, I guess she was just thanking me for listening. I mean, I didn’t kiss her back, if that’s what you were wondering.” He looked at me as if he were trying to find forgiveness in my eyes, but there really wasn’t any there. I knew what I’d seen.

“But you had your arm around her,” I mumbled.

“In a big brother kind of way.”

“When I saw you, it all became clear to me, Jag. I couldn’t understand why you don’t want me, and then I realized it was because you want her,” I said, my stupid tears starting to fall harder.

“El…” His hand went behind my neck and he pulled me closer to rest his forehead against mine. “I want you. I want you all the fucking time. God, you drive me wild. But at first, I just thought you were too young, and as things have progressed, I didn’t want this to just be about sex. Not with you. Never with you.” He touched his lips to mine. “You mean so much more to me, babe.”

This made sense to me in a way, yet it didn’t. “I still don’t get it, Jag. I want you to be my first. I want you to be my only. I honestly don’t understand what’s holding you back.”

He sighed, now cupping my face with both hands and wiping my tears away with his thumbs. “It’s because it’s you.”

I pulled back and looked at him with a scowl. Well, that wasn’t very nice.

He chuckled a little, continuing to hold my face in his hands. “I mean, it’s
you
, El. It’d be a huge step. You’ve always been a part of my life.” At my raised eyebrow, he repeated, “Always. Even when you thought I didn’t care about you, when we didn’t hang out for all those years, I always cared. Always kept an eye out for you. If something happened now where we didn’t work out, it’d break me. I can’t even think about us not being together. And I don’t want you to ever
not
be in my life. I know that’s really selfish of me, isn’t it? But does it make any sense to you?” He kissed me again softly.

“Yeah, it
is
selfish of you.” I had to agree with him on that one.

He sighed. “I know.”

“But that’s just being scared, Jag. Relationships are a risk. Nothing’s guaranteed.”

“You’re right,” he conceded, letting my face go and sitting back in his seat and staring straight ahead. “I
am
scared. Scared of my feelings for you. Scared of how things are going to be once I leave.”

“I’m scared too. And I guess I get what you’re saying, but then again I don’t,” I whispered. “Because you’re scared of losing me, you don’t want to be with me. Right?” We sat there in silence for a bit. “So it’d be okay if I was with someone else?”

Well, that was the wrong thing to say. His head jerked toward me so fast I almost felt the air stir from his abrupt movement, and the mood in the car had changed suddenly, thick with his fury. He grabbed me by the shoulders, pulling me toward him. When his angry face was an inch from mine he hissed out, “No, it is
not
goddamned okay for you to be with someone else!”

I was so confused. He wanted me but he didn’t want me. And he didn’t want anyone else to have me. Oooookay.

He let go of my shoulders and ran a hand over his face then looked at me and said, “El, I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair. Look, when we started this up, I wanted to take it slow. Get to know each other again.” He looked down at his lap. “Then when I realized I was in love with you, I knew I’d be leaving soon, and I didn’t want to do this to you… sleep with you then just up and leave.” He looked at me again, confusion in his eyes. “God, I don’t know how to explain it. It made sense in my fucking head at the time. I just know… I won’t ask you to wait for me.” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath blowing it out slowly.

I sat looking at him knowing what I’d do even if he was right that it wasn’t fair to me. I loved him, so I was willing to wait for him. However long that may be.

Chapter 8

I was nineteen when I decided to branch out a little.

“Jag!” I semi yelled. He’d fallen asleep again while we were on the phone. When I couldn’t get him to wake up, I hung up with a sigh knowing we’d probably talk the next night. If he wasn’t too tired, that was. Poor guy was run ragged with all the games he’d been playing on top of the classes he was taking.

The past two and a half years had been, well, interesting. Jag had been very successful pitching up a damned storm, much to the thrill of his coaches, and his team had advanced to the finals of the College World Series both years, which meant they’d played clear to the end of June, meaning I only got to see him over the summer for a few weeks. Of course I saw him at Thanksgiving and Christmas, but again only for a week or so each time. But I’d gotten to go see him play in a few games, and I’d even watched him play on ESPN a few times. The games I’d seen him play in person were when my family had driven down to South Carolina over spring break my junior year and when I’d gone to Omaha with Jag’s family for the CWS finals the past two years.

Our visits were pretty fleeting and hectic since his team usually played the visiting team three games in a row, so he didn’t have much time to be with me. But it was all good. Our relationship had actually heated up more when we did get together. We’d actually made it to third base a couple times, which was a step in the right direction, I thought. Not that I was obsessed with having sex with him or anything. It was just that there was that slightest nagging always in the back of my head leaving me to wonder about what he’d told me, wondering if he was really just protecting me by not sleeping with me or if he was just keeping sidelined from being with anyone else. Or if he loved me but not in
that way
. Or if he was really, seriously scared of going there and then we didn’t work out. Chick Think I called it, and it pissed me off because whenever I allowed myself to go there, it was exhausting. Rebecca had thought it was sweet what Jag had said, telling me that good things come to those who wait, to which I’d snarkily replied that
coming
comes to those who don’t, which made her laugh.

But Jag and I talked or texted almost every day when we were apart and also sent cards and silly stuff to each other regularly. In the spirit of, well, school spirit, I’d sent him a penis-shaped pillow as a mascot and he’d sent me a bumper sticker that said “I Love ‘Cocks” which, after several arguments, I finally succumbed to Dad’s refusal of letting me put it on my car.

I’d finally graduated high school and planned on attending Northwestern in the fall. I’d taken concurrent courses my senior year, so I’d knocked out several of the basics and was well on my way to getting into the physical therapy program by my junior year. Rebecca wanted to be a nurse anesthetist, so we’d both be taking several of the same science classes when it came to our degrees.

First semester, we drove to our classes together since we both lived at home, but after we’d proven with our grades that we were serious about this college stuff, our parents let us get an apartment together, and it was awesome! We felt so grown up. We both got jobs at the Starbucks in Norris Center, so at least we were trying to help our parents out with the bills some.

Jag had been excited for me though he hadn’t gotten to see my new place, but I’d emailed him gobs of pictures of it. I quickly found that living in the apartment made me miss him even more because Rebecca and Ross were still dating which meant Ross spent the night regularly. He was attending Northwestern also and majoring in criminal justice. So I had to deal with watching them being all lovey-dovey while my celibate, virgin self pined for my boyfriend. Good times.

“El! We’re going to the party at Slade’s house tonight. Come with us!” Rebecca called from her bedroom.

So Slade Ryan was holding another party, eh? Hm. Slade was a guy we worked with at Starbuck’s who was our age and also attended Northwestern. Rebecca and I had decided that he was forbidden fruit. He was just too damned cute with his surfer-boy look, shaggy blond hair, tanned skin and gorgeous green eyes. Oh, and when he smiled, the dimples in his cheeks were like an inch deep showing off his perfectly straight, white teeth. See? Totally cute. And talk about a flirt. The guy had to hold the Guinness record for most hours of nonstop flirting ever.

“Can’t. Jag’s gonna be calling soon,” I hollered back from where I sat on the sofa watching TV.

I heard her growl and spit out a few choice words, informing me under her breath that it was a Friday night and it shouldn’t be wasted in front of the TV, all of which I ignored.

Rebecca was worried about me. I stayed in almost every night waiting for Jag to call. Therefore, she and I went through the same routine over and over:

Come out with us, El!

Can’t. Jag’s gonna call.

You can go one night without talking to him.

I know, but I don’t want to.

You think he’s not going out down there? That he’s being a good little boyfriend?

*blank stare*

I’m sorry, El. I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings. I just want you to have a life outside of Jag.

I do have a life.

*snort* Yeah, in class, at work or hanging at home waiting for him to call. You’re always waiting.

Just because I don’t go out and drink copious amounts of adult beverages doesn’t mean I don’t have a life. *scowl*

*eye roll* Whatever.

And round and round it went.

At least I got a lot of studying done. Whoopee.

So after Rebecca and Ross left, I waited for Jag to call. And waited. And waited. And then waited some more. I knew he didn’t have a game that night or any over the weekend, so that couldn’t have been what was holding him up. By ten o’clock, I’d had it with the waiting and called him.

“Hello. You’ve reached the very sexy Jagger Jensen’s phone,” answered a sultry female voice. “How can I help you?”

I was a little stunned to say the least. I could hear the sounds of a party going on in the background. Thank God it wasn’t quiet which would’ve led me to believe that Jag was alone with this chick. “Is Jag around?”

“And who may I say is calling?” the deeply accented voice asked.

Ah. A real live Southern belle. And all I could think of at that moment was Prissy screaming in her baby voice, “I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout birthin’ babies!” for some stupid ass reason. Ugh. Memory retention. It’s a fine thing.

“Tell him it’s Ellen.”

“Helen?” she said in a smooth, snarky drawl.

I knew she’d heard my name correctly, had probably seen it on his caller ID before she’d answered. Whatever. “Ellen. Ellen Love.”

“Oh. Ellen? Well, Jag’s never mentioned having a friend named Ellen. Let me see if he wants to take your call. I was using his phone to make my own call when you interrupted,” her sweeter-than-pie voice dragged out.

It took everything I had not to answer, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” I mean, how many times in life do you get to even use that line much less have it set up so perfectly? Sad thing was, Ms. Magnolia probably wouldn’t have cottoned on to what I’d done there, so better to withhold than to waste a golden opportunity on an idiot, I always say.

Now, I didn’t think Jag would cheat on me. And if he
were
going to cheat, I didn’t think it’d be that blatant, so in my face. So Little Ms. Thang, whoever she was, had just happened to get his phone and I’d called at just the right time. It happened. Nothing to beat her face in about. This time. I snorted to myself at this lovely thought.

“Hello?” I heard Jag yell into the phone.

“Yeah. What’s up?”

“El? Hang on. I can’t hear you.”

I heard the music getting quieter as he moved from wherever the party was. I heard him fumbling around with the phone before he asked, “El?”

“Yeah.” Now, I said I didn’t think he’d cheat on me. I didn’t say it didn’t piss me off that some little twerp was answering his phone.