Disenchanted (16 page)

The huntsman. Swearing in her
head loud enough to make saints blush, she shook her head. Tudor smiled.

"I've seen girls
before," Zack answered.

"She's seventeen, a…Goth.
Acts like smiling's illegal." Bandit raised her eyebrows. It wasn't like
she had anything to smile about. Most kids complained if their parents bought
them the wrong iPod. Her stepmother put a hit out on her. "The king's
offered a reward for her return."

"Dead or alive?" Tudor asked.

"Alive!"

"Has anyone seen a
girl?" Zack asked.

"I've seen a bear,"
Ryan said. "Is she fond of dressing up as a bear?"

"The queen misses her
terribly."

Misses tormenting me,
Bandit thought.

"If we find her, we'll
return her." Zack closed the door.

"Something you'd like to
share with the class?"
Rhydian
asked.

"The queen tried to have me
killed. She's furious I got the drop on her huntsman. She clearly wants to
finish the job."

"Why does she want you dead?
You seem so charming,"
Iolo
said.

"I'm alive. That irritates
her."

"You can stay here,"
Ryan told her.

"If you think I'll be your
next victim, think again. I'd rather play Russian roulette with a
chainsaw."

"You keep our secret, we'll
keep yours."
Jez
promised as
Rhydian
released her. In the hypnotic flames of the candles she saw seven pairs of
fangs.

***

"Did you find Les
Miserablés
?" The queen demanded.

"I found a cabin in the
woods. There were seven men, but they denied seeing her."

"Seven men in a cabin?
They're obviously not there for bible camp."

"They looked like
Goths."

"Her very own freak
club."

"What would you like me to
do?"

"I'll deal with Countess
Dracula. She'll regret outsmarting me."

***

The cabin was eerily quiet, the
forest concealing enemies in its wooden fortress. The vampires were out
hunting, the darkness a cloak they used to prowl unseen until their chosen
victim was lifeless in their arms. Bandit rubbed a sore patch on her neck. It
stung when Ryan bit her but then euphoria seeped through her. Now it itched
like a son of a bitch. The door knocked. She gripped her dagger and opened it.
A gypsy stood on the doorstep.

Bandit smiled, spying the soft
part of the woman's throat where her dagger would fit. "Yes?"

"I'm selling laces."

Bandit eyed the corset laces. One
was black with little white skulls. She'd frayed her laces running through the
woods. Laces made handy ligatures when she wasn't wearing straps. She was a
walking arsenal.

"I'll take the skull
ones."

"Are you sure you don't want
the pretty red ones?"

"I'm allergic to
colour."

The woman smiled. Bandit gave her
some money she'd stolen from the castle.

"Let me lace them for
you." The gypsy unlaced Bandit's corset and swiftly threaded the skulls
ones. She yanked them tight.

"What the
fu
-" Bandit's world faded to black.

***

Sashaying shadows salsa danced
around her. She groaned, feeling like she had the world's worst hangover.
Blackness tried to ensnare her and keep her captive in its chamber of horrors.
She sat up, convinced the gods were playing marbles with the planets.

"Back from the dead, like a
zombie,"
Iolo
remarked. Bandit flipped him off.
"We had to cut your laces."

"You can reimburse me. I
just bought them."

"We saved your life, that
cancels it out."
Jez
grinned.

"Surprised you didn't drain
my blood."

"You brighten the place
up."

"Like a bloodstain in a
monochrome photograph." She stood, her corset falling open. "I catch
you looking, I'll stake you." She changed into a zip up PVC cut out top.
Iolo
was excellent at clothes shopping.

"What happened?" Carl
asked. Bandit thought he resembled a crazed professor. He was definitely up to
something in his room upstairs. She kept hearing bleeping and seeing smoke
escape under the locked door. Twice she'd heard an explosion. After the first
time, he emerged with green hair.

"I bought the laces from a
gypsy. She tightened them, obviously too tight."

"Didn't your mother tell you
never to open the door to strangers?"

"My mother died when I was a
baby. The queen told me to open doors to strangers, play with knives, experiment
with fire and piss off badgers."

"Maybe it was the queen in
disguise?"

"In a fat suit?"

"You said she could do
magic. The huntsman failed to kill you, maybe she came to finish the job."

Bandit rubbed her stomach. She'd
probably have criss-crossed bruises. That was a look she could do without.
"I'm
gonna
gut that bitch!"

"She'll have the castle
guarded,"
Rhydian
said. "Just don't give
her the opportunity to kill you."

"Next person who comes to
the door, I'll string them up like a macabre Christmas decoration."

"Nobody likes cold callers,
but that's a bit harsh," Tudor said.

Rhydian
jabbed him. "We're lying low, Bandit. You start turning visitors into
human
windchimes
, people will notice. This isn't a
macabre version of the gingerbread house."

"Can you turn me?"

"No,"
Iolo
replied.

"I'll be immortal."

"We can't turn humans
without permission from the Nocturnal Prince," Carl explained.

"Bullshit. Make me a
vampire."

"Not before we've argued
your case at a court hearing."

"This is a
joke
. Teenage fiction has turned you
into pussies."

Bandit banged the door behind
her. Dying from over-tight laces would've been so humiliating. She freed her
dagger and stomped towards the castle. Hooves - approaching from the castle.
She grabbed a low branch and swung into the tree, hiding amongst the branches
as the huntsman and groom cantered below. She had a perfect view of the castle.
She'd learn their weaknesses. Then she would kill the queen.

***

After a week of surveillance,
Bandit knew the guards' routines by heart. Tonight was the night she'd turn
that evil queen to dust. She wondered if she should set her on fire. Fire was
supposed to kill monsters. Maybe she'd behead her and bury her at a crossroads.
She'd made sheaths, special pockets and straps on her clothing to conceal her
weapons. The queen forcing her to do girly things like sewing, was coming back
to bite her on the saggy arse.

She crept through the woods, the
eyes of a hundred night creatures stalking her. Her heart thumped against its
bony prison bars, the sound echoing along the gloomy passages of her ears. She
took a deep breath, forcing her heart to slow. The castle rose out of the woods
like a zombie rising from a grave. The arrow slits were narrowed eyes, the
portcullis vicious teeth. She crept past the first guard and ran to the castle
wall. She edged around it and spied the second guard patrolling. The minute he
walked past her, she tossed her grappling hook through the first storey window,
jumped onto the wall and began climbing.

She paused to free her grappling
hook then lassoed it to the next window. Footsteps. She stopped and hung on to
the wall. A guard appeared at the window. Her blood pounded through her body.
The ground spread its arms, inviting her to drop into its lethal embrace. She closed
her eyes. The footsteps moved away.

She scrambled up to her bedroom
window and wriggled through. She fetched two swords from her wall, strapping
them to her back in their sheaths. She eased open the door and checked the
murky corridor. One guard at the far end. She waited until his back was turned
then ran to the queen's bedroom, her footsteps echoing down the passageway. The
door was locked.

"So paranoid," she
whispered. "You should see someone about that."

She had the door open in seconds.
The queen sat at her dressing table, removing her war paint. It was thick
enough to repair the cracks in the castle's cement. Bandit freed a sword and
charged. The queen darted out the way, the sword slicing through the
mannequin's head holding the queen's wig.

"Shit." Bandit turned
as the queen threw something at her. She struck it with her sword, sending it
sailing through the window.

"You're supposed to be
dead
!" The queen hissed.

"You're supposed to live
under bridges with other trolls." She inwardly cursed. She needed better
lines than that.

She sliced at the queen, who spun
away and punched Bandit in the side. Bandit head butted her then swept her legs
away. The queen bit her on the ankle.

"Bitch!" Bandit stamped
on her with her other foot. The queen yanked her leg and Bandit hit the floor.
You didn't get to be queen without learning some nifty moves.

Bandit straddled her, punching
her and slamming her head against the floor. She unsheathed her dagger and
plunged it towards the queen's heart. The queen muttered something and the
dagger flew out of Bandit's hand, into the wall. The queen knocked Bandit off
then dragged her up by the hair.

"What have I told you about
knocking?"

"I'm sorry, I was too busy
plotting your death to remember my manners."

The queen snatched up a comb and
stabbed it into Bandit's scalp. She collapsed, the world adopting a purple
haze. It would've been pretty had it not been flying past her at a sickening
rate as she was thrown out the window. Her last thought was,
damn. Forgot my dagger.

***

She opened her eyes. She was
lying in a coffin, surrounded by vampires.

"Great, I've woken in the
middle of a horror movie."

"That makes me the sexy
lead." Tudor grinned.

"If we have sex, I'll
die."

"From sheer pleasure."

"From shame."

"The comb in your head was
poisonous," Carl said. "I managed to work out the poison and made an
antidote."

"Thanks Doc," she
groaned. "I feel sick. It's probably got the queen's DNA. I bet she spat
on it."

"We found you face down in a
bush," Zack said. "Thank god you weren't wearing a skirt. Your
dignity would never recover."

"I'm
gonna
kill that bitch."

"Thought that was your
plan,"
Iolo
said. "Or did I miss
something?"

"She's a witch, alright? She
won't get the better of me next time." She sat up, wincing. "Maybe
tomorrow."

"Next time Bandit, use the
door." Ryan smiled. She kicked him. He swore as she smiled.

"If you'd turned me, this
wouldn't have happened. If I die, you only have yourselves to blame."

"We've recommended you to
the Nocturnal Prince,"
Rhydian
answered. "Happy?"

"How good are you at
murdering queens?"

"Never tried,"
Jez
shrugged.

"Thought vampires were evil,
unstoppable killing machines. Obviously you're of the cuddly, take home to
mother variety." Seven pairs of fangs were bared. "That's more like
it. We need a plan of action and cold blood. Once Scream Queen's dead, I'll
convince my father to hand the castle over to me. The queen is dead, long live
the Queen of the Damned."

***

"Mirror, mirror on the wall,
who's the fairest of them all?"

"Although sweet queen, you
are mine, Snow White is looking pretty fine."

"That Chamber of Horrors
reject? She should be Freak Puree by now. Are you telling me that mangled mess
of misery is prettier than me?"

"Although Snow White took a
dive, alas my queen, she's still alive."

"Jesus Christ, she's harder
to get rid of than blood stains. Nothing short of an explosion will wipe her
off this earth. Any suggestions on how to rid myself of that termite?"

"You could, my queen, learn
to shoot or kill her with some poisoned fruit."

The queen grinned evilly then cut
it short when she saw the wrinkles it created. "I always said she was
poisonous. Not even The Incredible Sulk can live forever."

***

Bandit cleaned the rifle Tudor
had given her. The dagger had failed miserably. This time she would blow the
queen's head off and splatter her brains over her
pervy
mirror. She'd heard that mirror wolf whistling her when she walked past. Maybe
she'd put a bullet in that too. She sheathed a dagger in each boot, her swords
on her back and collected the rest of her weapons. She was glad the castle
didn't have metal detectors.

"Let's go kick some royal
arse."

Tudor opened the door and bowed.
The vampires spread out through the woods. They had no problems seeing in the
dark so she stayed close to
Jez
, who was acting as
her eyes. The trees grabbed at her as she passed. Creatures of the night
watched the Gothic princess and her vampire entourage from the safety of the
shadows.

"Someone's coming,"
Ryan hissed.

The vampires melted into the
night. Bandit ducked behind a tree, holding her rifle close. Twigs snapped like
breaking bones. She stuck her foot out, tripping the assailant then delivered a
spinning back kick, sending him flying into another tree. The vampires
attacked, seven black blurs of piercing fangs and blood spatter. Men's dying
screams shattered the silence. Bodies slumped among the dead leaves, all colour
drained from them.