Disillusioned (7 page)

“Jason Cartwright,” Karen purred. “Did we say
something amusing?”

“Not you all,” he replied in a slight
southern drawl, “this lady.” He touched Tessa's arm lightly, and
the sensation sent a shiver over her skin. “I don't believe I've
had the pleasure.”

Turning completely around
to face Mr. Cartwright, she drew in her breath sharply. Never one
to entertain thoughts of any other man, Tessa wondered at her
reaction. Something about Jason Cartwright knocked her off
balance.
Perhaps
,
she considered dazedly,
it's the hungry
look in his eye.
Ducking her head, Tessa
smiled shyly, but she tried to steady her voice and hand. Though in
other circumstances she might have felt unequal to the task, Tessa
would never give Karen Whitfield the satisfaction of seeing her
abashed.

“Hello, Mr. Cartwright.”
Tessa extended her hand with as much confidence as she could
muster. “My name is Tessa Wilson.” As she spoke her name, her usual
self-confidence returned, and the wrongness of his attentions hit
her. Tessa paused for effect, looking challengingly into the man's
eye. “My husband is
Merritt
Wilson.”

Tessa had no doubt that Mr. Cartwright knew
Merritt Wilson, an executive Vice President of the company, and she
wanted to emphasize to the stranger the impropriety of his
attentions. Jason Cartwright, however, seemed little effected by
Merritt's identity. He seemed too enthralled by Tessa to process
the significance her words. Despite the audience, he took her
extended hand and instead of shaking it, he turned it, raising it
to his lips. She snatched her hand back almost rudely as a spark of
heat seemed to singe her. Though she certainly felt embarrassment,
she did not think it the emotion that caused her cheeks to burn as
they did. Some other impulse had raised the blood in her face.

“Please, call me Jason,” he said with a
smile. The humor in his eyes caught Tessa and lulled her into his
gaze.

“Jason, you are so old-fashioned,” Karen
laughed, and placing her hand again on his arm, she retook
possession of him. Ironically, her actions saved Tessa from her
irrational response to the man. “Even so,” Karen continued, “I can
understand why you found Tessa's comment so amusing. You, I'm sure,
would not enjoy a housewife, subservient and weak. I always pegged
you for the type who would prefer a confident woman. And then
there's childbirth.” Karen's lips rose in a sardonic smirk. “What
those hormones do to a body and a personality! Mothers are so soft
and emotional.” She hardly tried to hide her glance in Tessa's
direction. Once again, Tessa forgot herself, and a stream of
retorts piled on the tip of her tongue, pressing to escape.

As she opened her mouth, however, a deep
voice snatched the words from her lips. She bit her lip in a
triumphant smile when the speaker added some of his own rather
pleasant observations.

“If by confident, you mean someone who has
sacrificed femininity for aggression, then no I don't prefer that
type of strength. Actually, I find that sacrificing personal
pleasure for the benefit of others requires much more strength than
self-promotion does. Plus, I find the softness and innocence of
motherhood quite charming.”

As he said the last words,
Jason appraised Tessa with more intensity than appropriate, and her
triumph faded. While she couldn't help but feel the flattery of his
obvious admiration, Tessa wondered at a man who could so blatantly
admire the wife another man, especially a more powerful man. She
also wondered at the married woman who could derive such pleasure
from the attention.
What kind of a person
am I?
she wondered.

“Well, I can see you will be no help,” Karen
quipped to Jason. To Tessa's relief, Karen used her grip on him to
press him toward the other women in the group. Even more
uncomfortable than when she had entered the room, Tessa maneuvered
hastily through the crowd to the opposite side of the chamber.

She longed to see Merritt. More than
anything, Tessa felt a need to reconnect with her husband, to feel
the magnetic pull of his presence. Could she be so inconstant as to
thrill at the presence of a man who complimented her? Was she so
shallow? The idea brought an acid burn to her stomach as she
searched the crowd for the familiar light brown hair.

Twenty feet away, Merritt stood with a group
of executives who were, as always, fascinated and entertained by
whatever story he told. His presence emanated powerfully throughout
the room around him, his performance spot-on and brilliant as ever.
Of course, Tessa needed the real Merritt, the one who had rarely
shown himself in recent history, and she could not really expect
that Merritt to make an appearance at a business party. Still,
grateful for such rapid relief, Tessa slowly approached the group,
hoping she could squeeze in unnoticed next to Merritt. His look
when he saw her froze her in her tracks, fury mingling with
embarrassment as Walt Johnson turned to glance at her in response
to Merritt's wandering eye. Then Merritt's expression spoke words
that would have sent her stumbling backwards if she had not
resisted the spinning of the room. “Not now. I'm busy,” said
Merritt's eyes. “This is too important for your interruption.”

Too important,
she
scoffed bitterly. Of course his business came first! H
e had
important hands to shake, power to purvey, clients to charm. Not
that her needs had ever determined Merritt's availability. When
Merritt wanted to help her, he did; if not, she had better figure
out how to solve any dilemma by herself. Under normal
circumstances, she would not have even solicited his help, so
interwoven with criticisms and judgments did it come. In the
current situation, though, had he known, he would have wanted to
save her. Not that she could possibly explain to him her need at
the moment. Merritt could never handle even the thought that
someone might find his wife attractive. If Tessa told him of the
exchange between Jason and her, Jason might find himself in serious
trouble.

Not that the man didn't deserve it, she knew.
Tessa had tried to excuse Jason's motives in her own mind, but she
knew Merritt would not think the man's actions innocent. In fact,
Merritt's expression meant that anyone who crossed him at the
moment might find himself the unwitting recipient of Merritt's
disapproval.

Even if Merritt might have behaved himself,
Walt's presence would have elicited a more critical response than
usual – the CEO had that effect on his underlings. As she thought
about Pericorp's chief executive, she began to wonder why he had
leveled her a look of such animosity. Did she frighten him in some
way? The idea amused her. Unless, she worried suddenly her
amusement evaporating, her sharp tongue made her a loose cannon, a
detriment to business. She pursed her lips in exasperation; how
could Merritt let Walt affect him in such a way?

Irritated and confused, Tessa stalked away,
her mind whirling. Merritt's masterful attitude had always so
attracted her, not to mention his brilliance at handling the people
and situations life threw him. Unfortunately, when those same
characteristics directed themselves at Tessa, they came out in the
form of condescension and condemnation. Tessa had bought her
security with her heart, and at times she doubted that she had
received a good enough return on her investment.

Glaring back at his smiling
facade, Tessa decided that she would dismiss him as thoroughly as
he had dismissed her. He wanted her to leave him alone, she would
leave him alone! Weaving her way through the crowd to the
refreshment table, Tessa holed herself up with punch in a seat by a
window. She had been sure to eat a light dinner before coming,
because she knew greater offense than to eat dinner at a dinner
party.
No executive vice president wants a
glutton for a wife,
she rolled her eyes
internally.

She studied the glowing
patterns in the city beneath her, the neat rows of intersecting
lights that crisscrossed the middle-class suburbia below. Further
in the distance, she could make out the more irregular clusters of
lights in the wealthier neighborhoods. The larger houses demanded
roomier lots, and the wealthier homeowners expected a more
aesthetically pleasing frontage. Tessa imagined that she could see
her own house, empty and abandoned, straddling the line between the
two neighborhoods. For the first time since they had left, she
missed her children. Though they sometimes exhausted her, they also
provided a much-needed human connection, an affectionate love that
warmed her often shallow existence.
But
only a child's love,
she lamented.
Certainly a love she appreciated, but not the love of equals, a
love chosen and reciprocated of free will.

As she gazed forlornly out the window,
a familiar voice interrupted her thoughts. Jason, she realized. She
glanced covertly, almost eagerly, toward him only to discover his
eyes directed toward her. Her heart thudded in her chest. Trying
not to appear self-conscious, Tessa smiled indifferently at him and
turned away. He had seemed to stare at her. Maybe she could
classify him as just a strange man with a penchant for other men's
wives. Tessa tried unsuccessfully to calm herself with the thought,
but her mind didn't believe the words. For one, nothing about the
man spoke lowlife, from his disarming charm to his well-spoken
words. Too, Karen would not have pursued someone unworthy of
attention; she was too ambitious. Of course, Karen would admire
power in any of its forms, and while Jason definitely held power,
Tessa could not discern the nature of that power. He expected
recognition, he demanded respect, but on what basis? A man could
just as easily wield power for self-interest as for a more noble
cause.

In the reflection of the glass, Tessa could
make out Jason's form, so consequential and impressive compared to
those around him. Jason had deep chestnut eyes, she had noted on
their first meeting, almost black in their depth, and his hair,
also a near-ebony brown, waved gently across his forehead. He wore
no facial hair, but one could tell that he had trouble keeping an
afternoon shadow from breaking out on his chin. A perpetual smile
adorned his face: not the artificial smile of a charlatan, but an
amused sparkle which seemed to bespeak internal contentment and
jocularity. Strangely, inexplicable, his eyes met hers in the
glass, and she turned her gaze to the floor at her feet. No, Jason
needed not settle. Jason could have had any woman he wanted. Yet,
he continued to stare at Tessa. Though she would not look up, she
felt his eyes pressed upon her, and she grew increasingly
uncomfortable under their gaze.

Tessa tried to turn her mind from forbidden
thoughts of Jason and back to her own husband, though she failed to
concentrate fully. Merritt Wilson by no means lacked in visual
appeal. Although fairer in color than Jason, Merritt too had
beautiful eyes, a light green that often reflected whatever color
he viewed, and long light brown lashes fringed their perimeter. He
wore a chiseled jawbone, not too pronounced, but square. When he
smiled, his whole face lit with enthusiasm. Tessa even enjoyed
kissing his full, soft mouth. For a fleeting moment, the ghost of a
smile brushed her own lips.

How had they grown so far apart? she groaned
inwardly. Though Tessa had always reveled in challenging
authorities, in her personal relationships, she valued harmony to a
fault. Surely she had done her part to improve their relationship.
Unless she had created a problem by backing down too easily. If she
had stood up to him more, maybe he would have developed some
sensitivity. She had certainly stood up to more intimidating
people. Yet Tessa Kirkland, who had intimidated every authority she
had encountered, somehow succumbed to Tessa Wilson, a woman who
could never manage Merritt.

A sad longing rose in her heart, almost
bringing tears to her eyes. Despite the anger, she loved Merritt.
They shared too much history, they shared the responsibility of
their children, they needed each other, didn't they?

Perhaps, Tessa realized, she needed Merritt,
but as she watched him move confidently through the crowd, she
wondered if he needed her. Most of the things that she relied upon
him for, he could find somewhere else. Could he hold any qualms
about hiring someone to take Tessa's place for practical purposes?
He hired Liset so that he could escape his responsibilities at
home. If someone were to ask him to make the same choice at work,
he would never abdicate from his duties. Yet, he felt no compulsion
to treat Tessa with so much dedication. Merritt did not seem to
need Tessa at all.

At that moment, Jason's voice interrupted her
reverie.

“I'm sorry Karen scared you away earlier.” He
leaned an elbow casually against the window ledge, hemming Tessa
into a corner by a tall potted tree. His characteristic smirk stood
firmly in place on his dark face, and as she stared up at him, she
couldn't imagine how he had moved so close to her without her
noticing. Not liking her position of weakness, she stood to her
feet, inadvertently bringing herself within inches of his face.

Embarrassed, she glance nervously at the
ground, and she felt him move even closer. Tessa's heart fluttered
like a trapped bird as her heels scraped the mirrored glass behind
her.

“I wasn't scared off,” she feigned bravado,
but her voice quivered infinitesimally. “I've known Karen too long
to be scared by her. I just wasn't enjoying the conversation and
wanted a drink.” With the words, Tessa inched toward the nearby
table and its colorful display of beverages. She prayed that she
could gain some breathing room.