Dismantling Evan (14 page)

I’ve lost my appetite as well. I want to say that it was like this back home too, but that would open a whole new can of worms.

“My mom went here,” I tell her. I wonder if she knew Spencer’s parents, Asher’s dad, or Brody’s and Gavin’s mom. I mean it isn’t THAT big a high school.

She takes a long drink of her Coke and looks at me, like she is wondering what I am thinking. I fidget a little. I’m glad she doesn’t probe.

“What is going on with Gavin exactly? I mean, I know the trauma from not knowing where his father is causing him to breakdown last April, but obviously he has always been... different.”

Nikki nods and raises her eyebrows. “Yeah. He has always been different. I never asked Brody or Gavin or Mrs. Ferguson directly, but growing up we were always hanging around each other’s houses. Anyway, I heard things... we all did.” Nikki lowers her voice to a mumble as she guards her words with caution. I think so much of Nikki for being so guarded like she is for Gavin. “When we were little Mr. and Mrs. Ferguson would tell us Gavin didn’t like to be touched. They were really good about explaining it to us and all, but that is the first time I knew Gavin was in fact different, but not in a bad way. He just didn’t respond like everyone else. Even then Spencer would push a little too far with Gavin, but would back off knowing Mr. and Mrs. Ferguson were always watching closely.

“Social anxiety disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, attention issues were mentioned over the years... I never asked directly... I just figured it would cause too much pain for Brody and his parents to talk about. They are good people. I didn’t want to do that to them. The latest diagnosis they had talked about was Autism Spectrum Disorder and bipolar, which sounds like some pretty intense shit.”

Nikki shakes her head like she is trying to shake off the sadness she feels for talking about it. I wonder what she would think of me if she knew my mental state of affairs.

She opens her eyes and smiles as she brushes her hair back out of her way. “He is a really good kid, Evan, no matter how different he is. Being different isn’t a bad thing, but here... now, he isn’t getting any breaks. It seems the more we learn about people like Gavin, the less tolerant we are of them.”

My breath catches as I really listen to her words and I think, shit, this girl just hit the nail right on the head and she completely gets it. It’s sad, but so true. I level my eyes with her sympathetic ones. “I get it Nikki. I do.”

I’m about to risk everything about me, make myself visible to her, really visible, when I notice Brody walk into the cafeteria with Gavin and a girl on the other side of him. I can’t pull my eyes from them as they walk into the cafeteria hall and pick up some food much like Nikki and I had. Nikki glances along my line of sight. She catches sight of them. “Hey, I’m going to tell them where we are sitting. I’ll be right back. Hold that thought?”

I nod as she gets up and walks over to where Brody, Gavin, and the girl are standing. As she walks away, my bravery slips. I’m not ready to tell her.

I glance around the cafeteria at the sea of people. At first it is just a sea as I skim over the top. As I look closer, I notice the divisions of the sea just like back home. One particular girl walks up to a group of girls and tries to make casual conversation. The girl she is speaking to smiles and shakes her head, placing her hand down on the seat next to her. The girl aiming to find a seat is transparently deflated, but shrugs it off. Just as she turns and leaves, the girl saving the seat looks across the table from her and her smile turns to a scowl of disgust. Suddenly, a whistle call echoes across the cafeteria, catching my attention. A guy in a football jersey is looking at the main door as a group of uniformed cheerleaders smile and bob, across the center aisle, toward their table; like the cafeteria is their runway. I think of my mom in this very cafeteria when she attended, waltzing down the same aisle in her own cheerleading uniform. When they get to the male dominated, jersey-clad table, they stand straighter and stick out their chests. One of the guys puts his arm around one of the cheerleaders and pulls her into the seat next to him.

Out of the corner of my eye, I glance at the cluster of guys Nikki and I are sitting next to: t-shirts, flannels, torn jeans. One has a skateboard angled against the table. I listen to them talk about a video game. Some game they have networked on to where they all can interact, I guess. One guy in particular is really animated, explaining with expletives peppered throughout how to get out of the substation in the game. One of the guys looks over at me and nods, but says nothing. I smile lightly and turn my head to look out the window. The sea of students is the same here as it was in San Francisco: segmented... segregated; all hail the high school social caste system.

“Morietti!” another guy form the jersey-filled table yells, drawing many eyes in the direction of the yeller who is looking at the main door. I see Celine first, and her two compadres, walking past Spencer, rolling her eyes at either Spencer or the guy that is making him a spectacle by yelling. Spencer looks at her, then looks back at what I suspect is his friends’ claimed table. Spencer smiles widely and boasts, with both hands in the air, like he is announcing his presence or something. Even though he is a complete jackass, he does have a great smile. What am I saying? He turns around and awkwardly maneuvers his tall and brawny body between much smaller un-brawny underclass men. They move... they actually move to let him by. My blood begins to boil because he is such an arrogant ass, but anxiety for Gavin, who is waiting in line, takes over. I lean back and scan for Nikki. I see her walking back toward our portion of the table with the girl that came in with Brody and Gavin earlier.

She has long light brown hair that hangs down just below her shoulders. She is wearing little to no make-up, but she is still pretty without it. She looks young. I wonder what year she is.

Nikki straddles the bench and the girl sits down across from me, timidly looking down at the table as she places the fruit cup and soda in front of her.

Nikki looks behind her at the group of gamer guys. “Can you scoot over a bit?”

The gamer guy that looked at me earlier acts kind of spooked then he scoots in closer to the guys next to them, elbowing them a little to get them to move down.

“Evan, this is Lia. Lia this is Evan.” Nikki makes the introductions.

Lia tucks her hair behind her ear, nervous habit. “Hi,” she says, quietly, as she cautiously glances up at me and smiles.

Her voice is soft, but not the mousy soft that I despise.

I smile at her and Nikki explains, “Lia is a sophomore like Gavin.”

I’m a little confused,
Gavin is in my English class. “Oh, I thought Gavin was a senior. I mean he is in my...”

Nikki interrupts me, “He is in your English class because he is like super smart brilliant when it comes to all things English.”

“Where are Gavin and Brody?”

Just as I look up toward the cafeteria line, Brody only has soda in his hand and Gavin clutches a lunch tray as they walk toward us. Spencer comes into view just behind Brody. He puts his hand on Brody’s shoulder, causing him to turn around defensively. Gavin is still walking toward us with his head partially down carrying his tray lunch, but I keep my focus on Brody as Spencer leans in and whispers something. Those at the tables close to them are craning their necks trying to get a look at what is going to happen between them; obviously the last time was a fight.

“Hi Evan,” Gavin says in an impish high pitched voice.

“Hi Gavin,” I say, barely looking at him.

Brody walks away from Spence, leaving him with his tray in one hand and smiling, slyly. Brody’s face stiffens with anger, as he holds it in.

As Brody gets closer, he looks at our section of the table and his eyes find me. His expression changes from anger to one of distaste; he isn’t happy to see me sitting here with his friends. I want to slip away from the table before he gets any closer, but before I can he is behind Gavin saying, “Gav, let’s eat outside all right?”

Gavin stops eating and looks up at Brody questioningly. “Why?”

My throat is closing. Is he really leaving the cafeteria because he can’t stand being around me or am I just over thinking this?

Brody glances at me and quickly looks down at Gavin. “Because, it is too crowded in here.”

It is me. He is leaving with Gavin because of me being here.

Gavin starts to stand and Nikki chimes in, “Wait we can all go outside.”

Brody responds to Nikki in a bothered tone, “No, you all stay here. Gav and I are going to hang out.”

He doesn’t even say goodbye. Brody just walks toward the nearest exit with Gavin following behind him and they leave. I look at Nikki suspiciously, but mostly deflated. She shrugs her shoulders, not having any response.

“Spencer said something to Brody.”

Nikki looks over her shoulder to the table Spencer has descended on, then says, “Figures... bastard probably made some idiotic comment.”

Lia gets up from her seat and Nikki quickly says, “Lia, stay here with us.”

Lia smiles lightly. “No, I’m going to head to the library. Kind of lost my appetite.”

I look down at the fruit cup she has barely touched as she picks it up from the table and takes it with her toward the exit.

Nikki calls after her, “Bye,” then looks back at me equally deflated.

“I don’t think Brody wanted to sit with us because of me,” I say softly.

“What? No. You saw Spencer say something to him. That is probably why he left. Why would you say that?” Nikki adds trying to make sense of him leaving

“I don’t know,” I say unsure of that being the reason and change the subject. “So Lia, she seems really quiet.”

“Yeah, she has always been kind of shy. Even when we were little, she would be the one to sit on the sidelines and watch us.”

“It seems like she knows Brody and Gavin really well. I mean, is she like going out with Brody?”

Nikki looks at me curiously, “Gavin and her have become closer friends over the years. Lia is like a little sister to Brody.”

I try to cover my tracks. “Oh, well that is cool.” I pretend to be interested in the high school populous around us when Nikki’s burning stare becomes too much and I look at her. She is smirking. I become defensive instantly, “What?”

She sits back in her seat and shakes her head slowly from side to side still smiling, “Nothing at all Phillips.”

My cheeks redden a little having been caught probing about Brody.

We make a mass exodus from the cafeteria along with the other students; some spill out into the courtyard and some into the hallways of the attached wing. I make an excuse when I get to the edge of the cafeteria and hallway, “I’m going to use the restroom all right? I will see you in a bit.”

“You know how to get to the computer lab?”

I don’t, but I don’t want to tell her. “Yeah, I’m good.”

She nods and walks off. I turn on my heels and head back into the cafeteria and exit the side door Brody, Gavin, and Lia took. I look around the courtyard, trying to find them. The cement tables are emptying and I catch site of Brody and Gavin sitting alone.

Brody is talking and Gavin is smiling from ear to ear. They don’t see me and I keep it that way. Brody smiles widely at his brother’s reaction to his story telling and I feel my own lips turn up just by seeing his happy expression. Still, the pang of sadness sits low in me wondering if I ruined any chances of getting close to these two people because I asked too much too soon. I slip back into the cafeteria and head to my locker before finding the computer lab.

The next few days, I function on little sleep - insomnia. Each night I look out my window into the Fergusons’ backyard, but it is empty. Maybe Brody has stopped going out for fear of running into me again. He and Gavin keep their distance at lunch, but I sit next to Gavin in English. We have to pair up in English class for a review session and, without a second thought, I ask Gavin to be my partner. For the rest of the class period, Gavin and I get curious looks.

At one point, one of Celine’s minions whispers to Spencer as they both look at us and laugh.

“What?” I ask aloud, drawing everyone’s attention. Gavin sinks lower in his seat and hunches deeper into his review papers, trying to avoid conflict. I refuse to let Spencer do what he does to Gavin while I am around. It is strange to feel this new found bravery, liberating. It is probably due to my lack of sleep, to be honest, but that doesn’t matter. Everyone looks at me, but I don’t take my eyes off Spencer as I wait for him to respond.

He sits back in his chair, keeping his eyes steady on me. His smile is devoid of joy or laughter; a sinister smile because I called him out and he is, no doubt, plotting his next move. He winks at me just before the teacher asks what is going on.

No one answers; everyone returns to reviewing with their partners. Gavin and I quietly sit across from each other exchanging review questions and answers. I catch Spencer sneaking looks at Gavin and me and Celine’s no-name minion is watching me as well; squinty eyes and all. From their looks, I can tell it will no longer be just the Fergusons under fire. Guilt by association can be a bitch, but backing down and leaving Gavin open to attack wasn’t an option I was willing to take.