Ditch (6 page)

Burns
Yer gonna have two less mouths to feed as a' tomorrow.

Mrs Peel
Who been drafted?

Burns
Bug and James.

Mrs Peel
They bein' replaced?

Burns
No one to replace 'em. They sendin' thousands to Venezuela. It just gonna be me and Turner out here.

The wind shrieks.

Burns
Damn wind.

Mrs Peel
Somethin' cooler is settin' in.

Burns
You reckon its here to stay?

Mrs Peel
I do.

Beat.

Mrs Peel
Anythin' else?

Burns
Put a half bottle a' whiskey under the sink yesterday.

Mrs Peel
Already seen it.

Burns
You don't miss a trick, Mrs Peel.

Mrs Peel
I got twenty twenty vision, Burns.

Turner
storms in followed by
Bug
.

Turner
We need to talk!

Burns
No point talkin' to me about it.

Bug
Come on, Turn.

Turner
Why aint I goin'?

Burns
I don't decide who goes and who stays.

Turner
But you can do somethin' about it.

Bug
It been decided, Turn.

Turner
He aint goin' without me.

Burns
Nothin' I can do about it.

Turner
This is bullshit.

Burns
Turner! I wouldn't hesitate in sendin' you instead that boy if I could.

Turner
I want to go!

Bug
It aint up to him.

Turner
I'm leavin' tomorrow.

Bug
You can't do that.

Turner
I'm takin' James's place.

Bug
They won't allow it.

Turner
What the fucks he gonna do out there? He don't know shit. He aint gonna last a week.

Bug
You know the drill, Turn.

Turner
Would you shut up.

Bug
Ah fuck this.

Turner
Yeah fuck you.

Megan
(
From the gut.
) Stop!

Everyone turns to
Megan
. Pause.

Megan
(
Trembling.
) I got a deer to skin.

James
enters,
Megan
turns away.

Mrs Peel
What d'you want?

James
Hares a' eatin' tops a' your courgettes.

Mrs Peel
What did I tell you! Don't just stand there –

James
There's too many a' 'em.

Mrs Peel
(
Gravely.
) How many?

James
Five.

Mrs Peel
draws her blade and breath.

Mrs Peel
Megan, get yourself a shovel.

Mrs Peel
rushes off.

Mrs Peel
We're bein' overun!

Megan
leaves without looking at
James
.
Burns
looks at
Turner
and
Bug
.

Burns
Say we go finish the last a' that pie?

Burns
and
James
leave.

Bug
Don't see why you're pissed at me.

Beat
.

Bug
Aint nothin' I can do about it, Turn.

Turner
It's bullshit!

Bug
It just the way it goes. You know that.

Turner
Fuckin' sick a' it, s'what I know.

Bug
Aint like I'm not comin' back here.

Turner
When! A year? Two? Three –

Bug
Shit I don't know.

Turner
I do! I know that we got plans. I know that we can see them plans through. This. This here situation, don't ruin them plans if we don't let it. What it does is bring them plans closer. We been talkin' about doin' this thing later, fuck it, we do it now. We do it tonight. We camp out. We don't come back here.

Pause
.

Bug
You talkin' about bein' an Illegal, Turn.

Turner
We aint gonna be Illegals.

Bug
S'what you sayin'.

Turner
S'fuckin' word that don't mean shit for us.

Bug
S'word that gets us struck off the register.

Turner
We don't need to be on it.

Bug
What a' you talkin' about?

Turner
We'd be self sufficient. We wouldn't need any a' their tinned hand outs. We'd be on our own and botherin' nobody. We wouldn't be livin' in a squalor terrace. We'd find a place in the middle a' nowhere, we know the drill Bug. We know where Security go and don't go –

Bug
We are Security!

Turner
I know what we are. And I know what we could be.

Beat.

Bug
I aint doin' it till we can do it right. I couldn't be alright with what I done over these years if I thought that given the chance I'd do same as them.

Turner
I aint the same as them!

Bug
I dint say that –

Turner
I fought in war after war –

Bug
I never said you dint.

Turner
You never said nothin'.

Turner
leaves.

Scene Eight

Stables. Evening. Violent rain.

James
waits.
Megan
enters.

James
Dint know if you were gonna come.

Megan
Just passin' by.

James
Been waitin here all night.

Megan
Washed my hair.

James
Haven't had a chance –

Megan
Don't want to talk about it.

Pause.

Megan
Mince hasn't been eatin'.

Beat.

James
Didn't know that.

Megan
Two days now.

James
Not like him.

Beat.

Megan
Chickens haven't laid eggs.

James
Had an egg this morning.

Megan
You had an old egg.

Beat.

James
Megan –

Megan
Don't want to talk about it.

Pause.

Megan
Dropped a plate this afternoon.

Beat.

James
It break?

Megan
Million pieces.

James
Megan stop –

Megan
Don't want to talk about it.

Beat.

Megan
Beans a' spoilt.

Beat.

Megan
A tree fell.

Beat.

Megan
Barn door's smashed.

Beat.

Megan
Cow's dead.

Beat.

Megan
(
Cries.
) Don't want to cry about it.

James
goes towards her but she steps back.

Megan
Don't want to be left behind.

James
Don't want to leave.

Megan
Don't want to be alone.

James
I'm coming back.

James
moves closer to her.

Megan
Don't want to wait.

James
Ssshh.

Megan
Don't want to want.

James
Ssshh.

Megan
Don't want to want you.

Beat.

Megan
Want you.

James
Want you too.

Megan
Want you to love me.

James
Already do.

Beat
.

James
Love you.

Pause.

Megan
Love you.

Beat.

James
I love you.

Beat.

Megan
(
Smiles.
) I love you.

James
(
Smiles.
) I love you.

Megan
(
Smiles.
) I love you.

James
(
Laughs.
) I love you!

Megan
(
Laughs.
) I love you!

James
(
Shouts.
) I love you!

Megan
Ssshh. Want you to make love to me.

Blackout.

Act Two

Scene One

Kitchen. Noon. Violent rain.

Mrs Peel
and
Megan
are stacking and checking crates of vegetables.
Burns
enters jauntily, carrying a rifle and wet from rain.

Burns
I just hung you up a fine young hind.

Mrs Peel
That don't mean pig pee to me right now Burns.

Burns
puts the rifle down, notices the crates.

Mrs Peel
Barn roof fixin' up s'what I need.

Burns
It comin' in bad?

Mrs Peel
I've stopped counting how much I've lost to fungus.

Burns
Nothin' I can do about it in this rain.

Mrs Peel
He's got me by the balls this time.

Burns
Soon as it stops I'll get up there, see to it.

Mrs Peel
Should a' been seen to before now.

Burns
I done some a' it.

Mrs Peel
That been six week ago.

Burns
Few days work and it'll be finished. Never seen so many hares about. Must a' been a spike in ‘em, bought back two a' them as well. Almost missed the hind, was takin' a piss when I seen it and just as I'm at the trigger somethin' must a' spooked it cause it bolted.

Mrs Peel
(
Lowers her gaze
.) Dint finish that job neither.

Burns
zips up his fly.
Turner
enters, wet and sulky.

Turner
I aint campin' up the grit stone no more. Aint had a piss in two days, case I got fast there on the spot. Aint had a wash and I'm salty as a wet dog. Fuckin' stupid-cuntin' tent caved in on me twice. I had to wallop my boots inta that bastard horse's lungs to get it to budge. And I been on a saddle way to fuckin' hell and back. I aint campin' up the grit stone no more!

Beat
.

Turner
Cup a' tea'd be nice.

Mrs Peel
puts the tea on
.

Burns
I was gonna ask for that nice hare and onion stew you made for us one time?

Mrs Peel
Aint makin' that again, makes you fart.

Burns
Only . . . Bug's gettin' back here today.

Mrs Peel
I definitely aint makin' no stew.

Megan
is devastated
.

Turner
You dint tell me that!

Burns
You just got in.

Turner
When's he comin'?

Burns
Tonight.

Turner
Shit. We aint ready. we done nothin' for him.

Burns
Be nice to make him that stew.

Mrs Peel
He gonna get what he get.

Megan
This must be a good sign.

Turner
He aint gonna want no stew.

Megan
Must mean they gonna send more back.

Turner
He gonna want lamb.

Mrs Peel
He aint getting' it.

Megan
They say that, Burns?

Turner
We gotta get one a' them lambs on a spit.

Mrs Peel
I need them sheep for milk.

Turner
You don't need all a' 'em.

Mrs Peel
Sheep only got two teats, I need every teat I got!

Turner
I knowed he gonna come back. How the fuck he swing that?

Stands and raises his flask
.

To that jammy fuckin' bastard.

Burns
To bringin' 'em home.

Megan
has finally got her answer.

Megan
To bringin' 'em home.

Chink – they belt one back.
Megan
and
Turner
are up and about the kitchen.

Turner
We'll camp out early tonight.

Megan
We should all celebrate here.

Burns
don't go throwin' that bag out, can get another cup out a' that.

Mrs Peel
(
Dumps the tea bag.
) I know how to make a cup a' tea.

Turner
Take some steaks out with us.

Megan
You could both stay here.

Burns
Now why'd you do that?

Mrs Peel
I made three cups out a' it.

Turner
We got some sides a' deer.

Megan
That way we could all hear about it.

Burns
I know, I was watchin'.

Mrs Peel
That bag had nothin' in it left to give.

Turner
We aint got enough whisky!

Burns
I think it has a little more life in it yet.

Mrs Peel
One bag can make up to three cups.

Burns
Looks like yer got yourself a challenge there, Mrs Peel, cause I can make four.

Mrs Peel
I can make ten if you want 'em weak as cat piss!

Burns
I can make four cups, strong as they come, with one bag.

Mrs Peel
You're a bare-faced liar, Burns.

Burns
(
Staring at her.
) Turner, get me a tea bag and four cups.

Mrs Peel
(
Staring at him.
) Make that two bags and seven cups.

Beat. Everyone turns to
Turner
.

Turner
(
Disbelief.
) What?

Turner
does it.

Burns
Who's judgin'?

Mrs Peel
You choose.

Burns
Which one of youse knows a good cuppa?

Megan
shoots her hand into the air.

Burns
Alright, Megan it is. Second thing. What's at stake here?