Ditch (8 page)

Beat.

Burns
Been waitin' three years for my boy to come back. You can't keep waitin'.

Burns
leaves.
Megan
drops to her knees and cries. The horses whinny.
James
, dressed in civvies, enters.
Megan
slowly stands to her feet and looks at
James
for a few seconds. She smiles and he smiles back at her. She laughs and he laughs. She slowly walks towards him, the distant sound of gunfire and explosions are heard, until they are stood opposite one another.

James
It a gift.

James
edges backwards away from
Megan
as the sound of gunfire and explosions become louder and call him back, until he finally disappears.

Scene Three

Peak. Late afternoon.
Bug
and
Turner
are sat quietly drinking.

Bug
Missed this quiet.

Turner
Like it too, but shit I had enough a' it these past months.

Bug
Been on your own out here?

Turner
Pretty much. wind, hoof beats . . . caw of a bird, that been it for me.

Bug
My ears a' still ringing.

Turner
Get laid much.

Bug
Wasn't like that.

Turner
(
Shakes his flask.
) Shit, this aint gonna last us two days.

Bug
Way you been going at it, it aint gonna get us to tonight.

Turner
We need to take this situation in hand.

Bug
What d'you mean?

Turner
Taters make vodka, right?

Bug
Yeah, but, you need somethin' else too.

Turner
What?

Bug
Alcohol I guess.

Turner
and
Bug
laugh a little
.

Turner
S'what I missed the most, talkin' shit to somebody. There been times out here when the drag of a cloud been the biggest event a' my day. don't know how I've done it. (
Drinks.
) But it given me the time to figure a' few things, like I said was gonna . . . about that place a' ours. Not that cockeyed-bullshit I been spoutin' before you left. (
Half laughs.
) The shit I been spewin'. I can be a crazy bastard sometimes, I know that. But you should a' just laid one on me. Had it a' been the other way round I'd a done it to you. I don't mean that. It'll be when it'll be. But. Just how you seen it that first time I told it, I seen it too.

Bug
Turn . . .

Turner
I aint shittin' you. There been times up on that saddle, when I seen it right there on the horizon. Perched on its own, nothin' but weather around it. I'd keep on its trail, laughin' at myself some, knowin' it aint there . . . but the horse'd pick it up a little, like it felt the pull a' it too. It'd still be some fifty mile a' so ahead a' me, when I'd start to see them stones it made up a', solid granite, every one a' 'em . . . pokey windows that don't let much light in. After a while I'd throw my eyeline away and when I looked back it wouldn't be there no more . . . but soon as the sun dropped, I'd see an orange glut a' flame from the fireplace. There'd be steak and taters on it, pile a' cards at the ready . . .

Beat.

Turner
S'gonna be lot a' fuckin' work too. Aint gonna be how I'm tellin' it now when we get hold a' it. But way I see it every inch a' fencin' we put up, every plank a' wood we sand, every blister on our backs, be worth it cause it's for us. Our own fuckin' thing.

Beat.

Bug
Been thinkin' I'd a' liked to a' been married again.

Turner
(
Laughs.
) Married?

Bug
Yeah.

Turner
(
Stops laughing.
) You never told me you been married.

Bug
Me and her been eighteen, had ourselves the biggest weddin'. Three white limo's, nine bridesmaids, three page boys, hundred and forty eight guests, seven tier wedding cake, and a mountain a' profiteroles with a six foot chocolate fountain for them that dint like icin' or dried fruit. She left me after three months to start up with the weddin' photographer. He said he could get her modellin' career goin' . . . We'd a' had a baby we'd a' been alright.

Turner
Best thing you did gettin' rid a' her.

Bug
We been arguin' most a the time, dint laugh twice.

Turner
That's it, birds aren't funny.

Bug
Some birds a' funny.

Turner
Name one bird we know who's funny?

Bug
We don't any birds . . . Mrs Peel got a sense a' humour.

Turner
She got a crusty fanny as well. Dint think about the wives.

Bug
Just sayin' it's somethin' I'd a' liked to a done before now.

Beat.

Bug
Shouldn't think about gettin' that place, Turn.

Turner
Why's that?

Bug
Can't see it no more.

Turner
Yeah? Well I can.

Bug
Don't see us here much longer.

Turner
What a' you talkin' about?

Bug
Need all the men they got.

Turner
Need men back here too.

Bug
Somethin's gotta give.

Turner
Security's weak as it is.

Bug
Bulk a' the army aint enough.

Turner
Fuck it I'll go and come back.

Bug
There aint no comin' back.

Turner
What a' you fuckin' sayin'?

Bug
They aint comin' back.

Turner
You fuckin' did.

Bug
Set the grenade off myself.

Pause.

Turner
Had our backs to the wall plenty a' times.

Bug
Aint like what it been before.

Turner
I know what it's fuckin' like.

Bug
No you don't.

Turner
I fuckin' do!

Bug
There aint no talkin' to you sometimes.

Turner
Not when you're talkin' shit.

Bug
You don't wanna' hear it.

Turner
There aint nothin' you can tell me.

Turner
turns around.
Bug
stays as he is.

Turner
You're just pissed about your arm.

Bug
You dint hear what I said.

Turner
I fuckin' heard yer. I don't believe yer.

Turner
is striding aimlessly behind
Bug
.

Turner
You . . . you couldn't a' done that. You hear! You dint do that . . . leave me waitin' out here . . . weren't gonna do that . . . couldn't a' left me out here . . . You wanna drop me? S'that what you fuckin' want? Need to take that stump out on someone? Go ahead. I can take it. Come on. Lay one on me. Fuckin' turn around. Fuckin' come on and get it. (
Draws back a blow.
) I'll fuck you –

A fighter jet screeches overhead.
Turner
hits the ground,
Bug
doesn't react.

Turner
Shit! Shit shit shit did you hear that? (
Laughs.
) We got jets. (
On his knees.
) We . . . we got jets.(
On his feet.
) We got jets in the sky! Woo-Hoo!

Bug
Aint ours.

Beat.

Turner
What?

Bug
Jets, aint ours.

Turner
What d'you mean?

Bug
Our allies set up an airbase outside a' Sheffield.

Turner
What a' they doin' here?

Bug
Firin' misiles.

Turner
Where to?

Bug
China. Turn, they been –

Turner
Still, good to see somethin' up there.

Turner
stares at
Bug
defiantly. Pause.
Bug
walks away
.

Bug
Goin' back to the outpost tomorrow.

Turner
We out here for two days.

Another fighter jet screeches overhead. Turner runs after it, making whooping noises
.

Scene Four

Plot of land. Sunset.

Mrs Peel
is harvesting potatoes from the earth.
Burns
enters, he has been drinking heavily but wears it well. He stands at a distance to her looking out.

Burns
Quite a sunset.

Beat.

Burns
More orange than usual. Don't yer think?

Mrs Peel
Aint lookin' at it.

Burns
Late in the day to be doin' that.

Burns
edges closer to
Mrs Peel
.

Burns
That was a fine dinner.

Mrs Peel
Not keen on snails.

Burns
Don't like the taste or the look a' 'em?

Mrs Peel
Just don't fancy 'em after lookin' at 'em shit all day.

Burns
I been meanin' to ask what yer put with 'em?

Mrs Peel
Garlic and sage. Same as I do everythin'.

Burns
Used to do a bit a' cookin' myself.

Mrs Peel
Let me know if you should get the urge again.

Burns
I wouldn't be able to do what you do.

Mrs Peel
I'm out a' whiskey.

Burns
Got some here.

Burns
gives his flask to
Mrs Peel
.

Burns
I'm getting' supplies in the mornin'.

Mrs Peel
gives the flask back.

Burns
Put you a bottle under the sink
.

Mrs Peel
doesn't acknowledge the bottle; continues working.

Burns
What a' you cookin' for dinner tomorrow?

Mrs Peel
Snails.

Burns
Again?

Mrs Peel
Had to put some a' em aside. They weren't shittin'.

Burns
Constipated snails?

Mrs Peel
And mashed tater.

Burns
Been thinkin' about makin' some changes around here.

Mrs Peel
What kind a' changes?

Burns
Not now.

Mrs Peel
stands
.

Mrs Peel
What kind a changes?

Burns
A greenhouse.

The potato falls away from
Mrs Peel
's hand.

Burns
Build a greenhouse so as we can get more fruit. Fix the roofin' a' the stables. Make a stone oven for outside. Take some cuttin's and plant some flowers. Get some beehives. Four, five beehives for honey and . . . what's that other stuff called yer get from 'em?

Mrs Peel
Royal jelly.

Burns
Yeah, royal jelly. What d'yer say?

Mrs Peel
(
Becomes
Mrs Peel
.
) More work. But. Alright.

Beat.

Burns
How come in all this time I never known your first name?

Mrs Peel
Cause I never told yer, Burns.

Burns
It's Keith . . . Keith. Is it out a' respect for a Mr Peel?

Mrs Peel
Are you drunk!

Burns
No.

Mrs Peel
(
Crouches down.
) Then stop talkin' shit.

Mrs Peel
shoves potatoes into the sack,
Burns
crouches down before her.

Burns
(
Takes the sack.
) Why ruin what we got here?

Mrs Peel
(
Grabs the sack back.
) We aint got nothin'.

Burns
But we could have.

Burns
swoops
Mrs Peel
onto her back and arches over her like a dog.

Mrs Peel
Bleedin' ‘ell fire and Jack!

Burns
Mrs Peel you got enough balls for ten men, can drink any man under the table, give a man as good as yer get, swear like a trooper, work harder than most a' the men I know. And yet! You've got the bosom of a Goddess. (
Bends forwards.
) The carriage of an eagle. And I bet you're packin' as much heat in that cave a' yours as the earth's core. (
Bends forwards.
) That bein' with you would be a
hot
and
molten
–

Mrs Peel
slaps
Burns
's face.

Burns
(
Strokes his cheek.
) How about you and me take a moonlight swim?

Mrs Peel
I could choke you.

Mrs Peel
bolts to her feet and
Burns
chases after her.

Mrs Peel
You wanna' keep that dead squid a' yours away from me!

Burns
I can assure you it's
alive
!

Mrs Peel
grabs a shovel and threatens to clobber
Burns
with it.

Mrs Peel
It won't be if you come any closer.

Burns
Why don't you and me step inside and get to it?

Mrs Peel
I'd rather be under a rabid dog.

Burns
How about we just drop the lip on?

Mrs Peel
I'd rather be sat on the shitter with diarrhoea and toothache.

Burns
We could have ourselves a cuddle?

Mrs Peel
I'd rather . . . I got a tough enough life as it is without stavin' off the advances of a sex maniac! (
From the gut.
) Now step away!

Burns
does.

Mrs Peel
I don't know who you think you're playin' with.

Burns
I aint playin'.

Mrs Peel
walks away.

Burns
I'm sweet on you!

Beat
.

Burns
How about you and me go get your deer?