Don't Judge a Book by Its Cover (13 page)

It really wasn’t that late when we got home, but we all felt absolutely exhausted nonetheless. Bill needed a shower, and my mother encouraged me to go in with him and stay close to him. Imagine that? Just a few weeks ago we had been afraid to be seen in the bathroom together and now we were being encouraged to do so. Amazing some of the twists and turns life threw our way when we least expected them.

Bill was quiet and had been all the way home. I still didn’t know what he was thinking and decided that I would let my presence and my hands be the words tonight. I climbed into the shower with him and gently scrubbed his back, his hair, and his chest. He was so still and so quiet it scared me. I just went with my instinct. There was absolutely nothing sexual in my moves. Tonight I just wanted to give the reassurance of a friendly touch. When he was finished I dried him off and bundled him off to bed where I simply wrapped my arms around him. Neither of us said a word for the longest time, but it was clear that neither of us were sleeping.

With a giant gasp he broke out in the biggest body-wide sob I had ever heard from anyone. I grappled onto him even tighter and simply held on and let him cry. His entire world had been turned upside down and inside out tonight, not that it had been a good world, but it had been
his
world, the only world he knew. Even when it’s screwed up, if you know the rules by which something operates you learn to play along with those rules to survive.

He was safe now, but it would take a while to get him into a new headspace to feel safe
and
comfortable. But I was going to be with him each step of the way. His sobbing gradually lessened to simple tears and then finally gave way to quiet.

I wasn’t sure if he had fallen asleep. I didn’t think he had. I was sure he hadn’t when he spoke—I’m quick about those things.

“Thank you.”

“Of course. I’d do anything for you. I love you.”

“Why?”

“Why do I love you?”

“Yes,” he said quietly.

“I love you because you are an awesome man. You are the most beautiful soul I’ve ever known. The man you are is very smart, very gifted, and a survivor. You are a caring man.” I was quiet for a moment before I decided to toss in, “Oh, and I like your hair.”

He actually chuckled a bit. “My hair?”

“Hey, it’s nice hair. Of course the rest of you isn’t too bad either.”

“Thank you,” he said softly. “Thank you so much.”

“Of course. Now, go to sleep so we face tomorrow together.”

Much to my surprise, he actually did sleep and seemed to sleep relatively well.

I
WAS
awake before Bill was in the morning, but I stayed in bed to be sure he wasn’t left alone to wake up in a strange place. It was a weekday, but I didn’t know what that meant for us today after the events of last evening.

We made our way to the kitchen and had breakfast, where I asked my mom what we should do that day.

“Go to school, of course.”

“What? Like nothing happened?” I asked.

“Yes, exactly. Life goes on. Embrace the familiar, the good, the routine. It will give you strength to deal with the bad stuff, the tough stuff.” She looked at Bill and gave him a hug. “You’re safe now, baby. We’re here for you.” I thought he might be cried out after last night, but he still had a few tears left, which he shed while she held him.

When we were ready she drove us to school. When we got inside Bill looked at me and looked so vulnerable. I wanted to hug him right on the spot. But I knew we were in enemy territory now and such common acts were now strictly forbidden.

Let me clarify one point: I didn’t hate being gay. No, actually I
loved
being gay. What I hated was the endless series of hoops straight people made us jump through to live in their world and not ruffle their superficial images of what life was supposed to be. If they were halfway decent people, they’d be making the effort to help us live as ourselves in the world rather than having to act a part that made us look like absolutely everybody else.

We looked at each other for a moment longer without speaking or moving. “If you need anything at any time today, you come find me,” I said in my strictest voice. “Agreed?”

He nodded and gave me a hint of a smile.

“Okay. Go dazzle ’em with your brilliance,” I said.

“Bite me,” he gently joked.

“Okay,” I said. “Tell me when and where and I’m there.”

He actually laughed that time, and for the first time in a lot of hours I felt a bit less uptight than I had been. Had either of us known that someone had overheard my response to him, neither of us would have felt very happy.

At lunchtime I was at my usual table reading when Bill arrived. That day there was no question of where he was sitting. He was sitting with me. He was at my table. Well, actually I guessed that for today at least he was at
our
table. We sat with our backs to the rest of the room, which seemed to send the message that the rest of the world should back off. Much to my surprise, the usual array of jock-followers didn’t try to sit with us. I guess that the intensity of our conversation seemed like something they shouldn’t interrupt. Who knows? I’m just glad that they left us alone.

Later in the afternoon I noticed people looking at me and then quickly looking away when I looked toward them. Strange. In calculus class, the only class that Bill and I had together, even though we didn’t sit together or even anywhere close to each other, I again noticed people staring at me. And this time they seemed to be staring at him too.

When class ended I headed out, making a point of not approaching Bill or even looking his way. But my exit came to an abrupt halt when I heard one of Bill’s jock buddies ask him a question. “Dude! Why are you hanging out with a faggot?”

I know it didn’t actually happen, but it felt like my heart skipped a couple of beats. I felt cold all over and even a little lightheaded. Oh, hell! I didn’t have a clue how Bill was going to handle this one. I couldn’t imagine. I assumed that he would have to go along in order to save face and to maintain his standing in the food chain. I was lower down the chain so I could be sacrificed, but I didn’t want to be sacrificed. I didn’t want to come out. I didn’t want anyone to know. Because I knew how freaked out people would be and how much of a living hell they would make my life. Oh, this was so bad. All I wanted was to serve out my sentence, leave this town, and never look back.

Without turning around, I stopped dead in my tracks. The two or three seconds that passed after the jerk’s question seemed to go on for several hours. Since the last twenty-four hours had been filled with surprises, I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised to get one more.

“Joey!” I heard Bill say in a loud voice. “What the hell, dude? Why you calling somebody ‘faggot’? Don’t you know how much hurt that can cause? Don’t you watch the news? Don’t you know anything? You don’t call people ‘faggot’! And besides, how do you know someone’s sexual orientation? Have you been having sex with them so that you have first-hand information? If not, then it’s just a rumor, and you’re spreading rumors like some gossiping schoolgirl. I don’t pay attention to rumors and you shouldn’t either.”

Joey was not the sharpest knife in the drawer, so his head was spinning with too many questions and too much affront all at once. He had thought he was asking a simple question, and suddenly someone he idolized was asking him if he’d sucked a guy’s dick! As Bill had hoped, his questions completely threw the kid off course.

“Everybody knows, dude!”

“Who’s ‘everybody’, Joey? Huh? I haven’t heard that. Who’s telling stories? In my experience, nine times out of ten, if a guy is talking about a guy they think might be gay, it’s because he’s secretly gay himself, and it’s his way of saying ‘Hey world! I’m here and I’m queer and I want to suck your dick!’ Is that what’s going on, Joey? Are you trying to tell me you’re gay? It’s fine with me if you’re gay. It’s fine with me if you’re straight. Some people are straight. Some people are gay. What’s the big deal? I haven’t found it yet if there is one.”

“I’m no faggot!” the guy shouted at Bill. I was frozen. I didn’t know what he was going to do. I was afraid he was going to hit the guy. Would an abuse victim be more inclined to be abusive? I didn’t know.

Bill didn’t hit the guy. He simply crossed his arms over his chest and fixed the guy with a scowl/stare that conveyed massive disappointment and anger.

“Joey. Haul your head out of your ass. It’s 2012. Sexual orientation is nobody’s business but the person in question. People
want
to have gay friends now. They go looking for them. Gay is the ‘in’ thing.”

“I don’t want some guy checking out my ass in the shower!”

“Why would somebody be checking out your ass, Joey?”

“You know they all want to fuck you!”

“Joey! Where are you getting this stuff! What shower are you going to? How many guys have you seen screwing in the showers? Huh? Come on! How many?
None!
Right. None. There are none.” Bill was going on like a Southern preacher who was all worked up on a Sunday morning. “I’ve seen your ass, Joey. I don’t think there’s a line of guys lined up to screw you in the shower. Besides, if a guy is checking
me
out, I’m gonna take it as a compliment. It must mean that I’m a
damn fine looking guy
! It must mean I’ve got so much sex appeal that I attract women
and men
.” Bill was having a great time. I was so proud of him. “The way I see it, if someone is blessed with being born pretty or handsome or whatever, part of the payment they have to make during life is having people look at them and admire them.”

“Dude! You’ve got to quit spending time with him.”

“Joey?
Are you jealous
? Because really, I didn’t know. You’ve never told me you were hot for my body and wanted me all to yourself. Really, dude, you could have told me.”

Joey was sputtering with anger and outrage.

Bill looked over in my direction and reached out his hand to motion me over. Moving on autopilot I walked over to him. He put his arm around my shoulder and said, “Joey. You know Mark, don’t you? Mark, this is Joey. Joey, this is Mark. And Joey, just for your information, Mark and his family
saved my mom’s life
! You hear me? I’ll say it again.
They saved my mom’s life!
She is alive today because of them. I owe them
everything
. If I spent the rest of my life trying to repay them for everything they’ve done for me, I wouldn’t have enough time.

“I owe them
everything
. I owe them more than can be paid back in one lifetime. And if
anybody ever
calls him names, or mocks him, or threatens him, or even
hints
of a threat toward him, I’ll pound their sorry excuse for an ass
so far
into the ground that they’ll never be able to find all the pieces to be able to put it back together. And I know that you’re my friend too, Joey, so I’m counting on you to be there with me, because friends stick together and have one another’s backs. Right?”

“Sure. I got your back, man.” The poor guy was so confused. I wanted to laugh but managed to hold it in. Bill and I walked out of the classroom together. I hadn’t realized how many people had been watching the exchange between Bill and Joey. Where had all these people come from? I thought everybody had left! But the area inside the doorway was full of people. The doorway was full of people. The hallway was full of people. They had all watched. They had all heard. They had all just seen that the man I loved was an awesome dude! I was so proud of him.

The crowd parted as we walked side by side from the room and into the hallway. When I thought it was safe I leaned over and whispered to him, “Damn! You’re good!”

M
Y
MOM
picked us up after school exactly as planned. This was such an awesome thing, to have Bill with me on a weeknight, all evening, all night, and to see him first thing when I woke up in the morning.