Double Your Pleasure Bundle (57 page)

He doesn't last long. Not even long enough to press through the aftershocks. He flexes once as he comes, and his fingers bite into my breast. A giddy smile's already plastered across my face by the time he withdraws to set the condom to the side.

Lucas knows me. Heart and soul.

Fuck
, I'm falling hard.

Though the house needs straightening and I've got a garden to weed, Lucas and I share secret smiles all day. We don't need to talk about what happened. I don't think I could if I wanted to. Neither of us are the type to wallow in emotion, particularly one rooted in the past.

By the time Seth returns, we've got a new afternoon routine down. I sit on the counter and stir a pot of stew while Lucas stands between my legs and kisses my neck. I look toward the foyer as the door opens, and wave at Seth with my free hand. Lucas nods at him but doesn't take his hand off my waist.

Seth's jaw tenses, and my gut churns. Shouldn't he look happier? After all, he was the one who
started
it all, last night. And there's a decent chance that we'll be picking up where we left off tonight, too. I'm a little sore, but not anywhere near enough to consider tapping out.

Lucas doesn't pick up on Seth's discomfort, though. I can't find a discreet way to steer him into more inclusive waters when he continues telling me about my old roommate Brittney's newest Facebook updates. It wouldn't be the first time that Seth's been blindsided by the fact that Lucas and I are closer than family. I know well how it hurts to be caught on the other side of that invisible barrier. Finally, I abandon any attempts at tact, and shove Lucas back from me. He raises an eyebrow, his sentence petering off, and I silence him with a jerk of my chin as I press the ladle into his hands. “Stir that a minute. Seth hasn't seen the garden today.”

Seth laughs, with a slightly bitter edge. “The garden's changed since yesterday?”

Lucas's eyebrows go nearly into his hairline.
Now
he catches on.

I step away from Lucas and elbow Seth as I take his arm to guide him out back. “Well, not really. But it's still pretty to look at.” And it was a gift, him letting me take something here, something his, and make it
mine
. At the door, I veer and jerk him into me, steering his muscular body into mine. I smile as brightly as I can, try to put some of my own contentment into him. His eyes are shadowed, but he lets me pull his face down for a kiss.

I hold him against me for a minute, dumbstruck at how
different
it feels being held by him. Lucas is wiry, and Seth is a
wall
, both physically and emotionally. A prick of tension dances on the back of my neck. What if I
am
in over my head? What if I'm never
supposed
to reach him? What if I'm bending over backwards trying to remind him of something, only to discover it's not something he
wants
?

Seth retreats, quickly, opening the patio door and stepping outside. “So what was it you wanted me to see?”

I escort him around the seedlings, reminding him what's what. He barely remembers any of what we picked out yesterday. Either that, or he's playing dumb, to keep me talking about inconsequential things. “Are you okay?” I remind myself to keep my tone light.

“Fine. Just fine.”

“Are you su—”

“I said I'm
fine
, Lee. I don't need you mothering me.”

“
Okay
, then, Mr. Touchy.”

I bend to pull a weed I missed earlier as the silence stretches more and more awkwardly.

“So how was your day?” He finally breaks the silence, though he doesn't seem thrilled.

“It was fine.” I wink at him. “I think you know...” I run my tongue over my lips, reminding him of the scene he walked in on earlier.

“Yeah,” he says, and tries to smile, but can't quite make the expression stick.

My eyebrows snap together.
Finally
, I'm getting somewhere. “So that's it then.”

“That's what?”

“What's bothering you. Talk to me. What about it is bothering you?”

“
Nothing
, Anjoli. Will you fucking
leave it?
”

I stiffen like he slapped me. He might as well have.

“
Fine
.”

I leave him out there, shaking his head, and flee to kinder arms.

Lucas looks up when I hurry back inside, and doesn't question it when I hug him as tightly as I can. “Everything okay?”

My temper gets the better of me. “What do
you
fucking think?”

His eyes widen, not so much with hurt, but confusion. I squint my eyes closed and massage my temples before I backtrack. “Sorry I snapped. Seth's being kind of a prick. Won't talk to me.”

He strokes my back, and the tension drains from me with each breath. “What were you talking to him about?”

“Something's been wrong since he got in. You saw. He's all tense and weird, and he clammed the
fuck
up when I mentioned earlier.”

“You think he's jealous?” Now the guilt is in Lucas's eyes too, as though we've done something wrong with each other. But
Seth
was the one who insisted we weren't monogamous, and that was alright...it's not fucking
fair
for him to shut both of us out, make me feel like shit...

I force myself to take several more deep breaths and clear my mind. “I don't know. He won't fucking talk to me, so it's anyone's guess.”

“I'll try.” Lucas kisses my forehead, and misses my new expression. What, exactly, does he think Seth'll tell him that he wouldn't tell
me
?

Still, I accept the ladle, and try not to count the seconds he's outside. The stew's perfect, and in the interests of not driving myself insane with anticipation, I serve my own bowl, set out two more dishes for when the men come back in, and grab a seat at the table to eat while it's warm.

My hands are trembling. I hate that someone else's random mood swing can affect me this way. I'd forgotten that, about relationships. I'd forgotten that dealing with
one
person's random shit was bad enough, let alone
two
. What have I gotten myself into?

I set the spoon down, waiting for the shakes to subside. Finally, I pick it up again and start eating.

The food turns to ash in my stomach. I can't even taste it, despite having spent twenty minutes seasoning it. Fucking Seth. Fucking Seth and his fucking stoic
bullshit
. Maybe it's for the best that this is imploding so fast. At least I'll know
fast
how I need to rewrite my relationship with Seth when he dumps me—dumps us—
fuck
. Whatever.

The patio door opens, but I don't turn to look. They know where the food is, and can help themselves.

The floor behind me creaks, but from the sound the steps are heading to the bedroom. Whether Seth's storming off or Lucas is taking off to wait out the tempest, who can say. Apparently we aren't gonna do shit about this tonight. Eating together like we
like
each other be damned. I stand and pick up my bowl to dump it back into the pot for later, and clear the fuck out of the shared space, since we obviously aren't sharing
anything
.

Someone taps my shoulder, nearly making me drop the bowl. I swear to myself as I steady it, and put it down. I'm too damn jumpy for this. After everything, it
can't
be Lucas. He's got a million better ways to announce his presence than an impersonal shoulder tap.

My glare's in place by the time I've turned around. I cross my arms over my chest and stare Seth down.

“Look—I was a dick. I'm sorry.” His eyes plead with me to soften, but I'm not ready to let go of the irritation.

“You're right. You
were
.”

He cocks his head in a nonverbal
touche
.

“Yeah. I was. You gonna dwell on that?”

I draw myself up to my full height—not that that's anywhere near enough to hold my own against him. “
You
started talking to
me
. So
yeah
, I think I'm gonna dwell there a bit.”

He sighs, barely concealing his own irritation. “Is that gonna make you happy?”

“To be honest, what
would've
made me happy was you
talking
to me like a normal person, not growling and then expecting it all to be water under the bridge.”

“Yeah, well, I'm only human. Sometimes humans don't like being
pushed
.”

Against my best efforts, my voice is rising steadily. “And sometimes humans just need to keep some fucking
perspective
and just ask for a minute to think, not—”

“
For fuck's sake
—” Lucas yells from his bedroom, and both Seth and I shut up, glaring at each other. I bite my lip to keep the angry words in.

“I'm
sorry
, Lee.” Seth breaks the stalemate. “That's
all
I was trying to say.”

I shrug, still chewing my lip.

“Where do you see this going?” He can't look at me as he asks.

“What?”

“You heard me.”

“I don't understand the
question
. I heard you just fine.”

“Just- what do you see coming of this?” His voice is carefully bland. I can't read
anything
into it, and that scares me.

I open my mouth and close it, not sure how to respond.

“What I saw earlier—you and Lucas—you two are perfect together.” He waits for some reaction, but I don't offer one. I'd rather hear what he has to say. “You two fit so well. You already have your own patterns, your own in-jokes. I don't think I realized how much I'd be shut out when I—”

I interrupt him there. “Well you
could
try starting your own with us. We've had
years
of friendship
.
You've had, what, a month with us?”

“That's not
me
.” His jaw sets, and I know something bad is coming. “I'm not sure I want to set myself up to be the odd one out.” He steels himself, and presses forward. “The way you two act—I don't think I'm ever going to have that with
either
of you.”

I snort. “You're the one who pushed him into actually stating an interest. We wouldn't
have
that without you.”

“So maybe I should bow out and just leave you with that cute anecdote to tell your kids. That traumatizingly
awkward
encounter that got you two to realize that you were sweethearts, not just friends from the
womb—
”

“
Listen to yourself
, Seth. This is all
frightfully
new, and you're already looking to build us a home with a white picket fence that you can stare at from the outside.  And you don't know
shit
. So you guess, and make it up, and make it scary and hostile! What's it gonna take to convince you that if we
just
wanted each other, we'd have said something?” Or, at least I would have. I guess I can't really put words in Lucas's mouth. I can't let it pass uncommented on, though; it rankles me that he's making this out to be
our
problem with
him
.

I press into him, and he doesn't back away. Still, he doesn't reach for me, or lean into me, so there's some hostility there. “
How
do I have to kiss you? How do I have to
not
kiss him?” My voice cracks, and I step back so I have somewhere to look other than his face and chest. My eyes land on Lucas, frozen in the hall. Lucas knows, better than most, that I'm about to cry. But he also knows I'm not about to let Seth see that. He's already angling out of my way so I can bolt for the bedroom.

I seize the opportunity, darting past Seth for the privacy I crave, and he catches my arm, hauling me into him and claiming my mouth. I kiss him for all I'm worth, uncertain whether it was an invitation to enact my rhetorical question, or whether it's just the last time I'll kiss him. The dam bursts. I can't restrain the tears. I tear myself away from him and cover the remaining distance to my room in the longest strides I can, slamming the door behind me.

Left to my own devices, I can process. Obviously Lucas nudged
something
loose for Seth to even try talking to me.
That
stings. I guess I'm never really going to be able to get that bro thing guys do. I'm always gonna be different, always gonna be the one in the relationship that they can't talk to. If there
is
a relationship, when the dust has settled. I guess Lucas and I will still be together, for what that's worth. But the picture just feels incomplete, without Seth pushing us to grow, to change, to address our fears.