Authors: Victor McGlothin
Down On My Knees (8 page)
“Well, I've had my fill of stand-ins like the ones you were talking about, but until lately, I've not been interested in gettingserious. I've been focused on providing for André and climbing the corporate ladder.”
“The which?” Sistah Kolislaw asked.
“You know, the corporate ladder to success,” Grace explained.“A single mother has to play the game to get ahead in a man's world.” After Grace's short dissertation regarding the workplace, she felt ridiculous.
“Uh-huh, just what I suspected. You've been focusing on the wrong things, Grace. The Lord will provide for you and your child if you diligently seek Him. That's straight from the Good Book. Spending all that time playing games has got you on the losing end of life. True, it is a man's world, and it always will be. That there's God's design, so ain't no use arguing the point, but I will tell you a couple o' things you can fix, if you had the right mind to.”
“Of course, I'm open to suggestions.” Grace was all ears.
“Good, then we can move in the right direction for a change.” Sister Kolislaw scratched at her gray wig as she leaned back in the chair. “Just listen and don't say nothing until I'm through, or else you might miss something.” Grace agreed, so she continued. “You're too strong, Grace, too self-sufficient,never looking to lean on a strong shoulder. It's not healthy for a woman to be alone in this world, especially if she can help it. A man who finds a wife finds a good thing. The problem is some women don't know how to look lost. Other ones outsmart themselves into thinking they don't need no man at all unless it's for carnal gain. And too many women done forgot their home training. Just flouncing around, ready to throw their legs open the first time a fellow calls 'em cutie-pie or treats 'em to a hot meal. Grace, try keeping the treasure to your earthly kingdom under lock and key until a man's ready to purchase a castle and make you his queen.” When it appeared as if Grace was going to comment,she received a stern warning. “And before you open your mouth to defend yourself, let me finish. The only woman who doesn't need a man is the one who doesn't care about living life to the fullest, long and wide, while enjoying the best life has to offer.” That was the second time in as many days Grace was told to live life long and wide. “God designed it that way, and that's the way it ought to be, praise His holy name. I got book, chapter, and verse for everything I've told you, but seeing is believing, so here you go. See for yourself.” She raised her hat from the desk, picking up the single sheet of paper she handed to Grace. There were severalscriptural references typed on it, with book, chapter, and verse to be studied. “If you do have your heart set on arguing with the Word, you go ahead on, then, but you'll come out on the wrong end every time.”
“Sistah Kolislaw?”
“Yes, Grace?”
“No disrespect, but times have changed a bit since you were single and out here by yourself.”
“You don't think we had the same concerns about sleepingaround when I was in my prime? The stories I could tell you. Look here, a man has to feel like he's earning the goodies,even if he ain't, or else he won't place no value on it. That's how I hooked Brotha Deacon years ago. Lord knows he sulked outside my bedroom window for months until I said, âI do' instead of âI will.'” The old woman chuckled so hard that her wig shook. “Believe you me, he couldn't get me down that aisle fast enough. Ask Sistah Lana Washington,Sistah Sylvia Everhart, Sistah Tonetta Johnson, and a whole slew of others how they managed to get hitched within a year of having this same talk I'm having with you. The Lord says, âSeek and ye shall find, that's the Kingdom of God.' In the meantime, work on keeping your legs closed, your options open and your head in the Good Book. Sex is one of the most powerful things you have. Don't be so quick to give your power away. Just wait and see what blessings abound once you harness that power by storing it up. Study to show yourself approved, and the Word will convict you.”
“Yes, ma'am,” was all Grace could say. She politely thanked Sister Kolislaw but couldn't help turning against the thought of vowing celibacy.
That kind old lady meant well, but she has to be off her rocker if she expects me to deny the very desiresthat God himself planted deep down inside me. There has to be another way. There has to be.
That kind old lady meant well, but she has to be off her rocker if she expects me to deny the very desiresthat God himself planted deep down inside me. There has to be another way. There has to be.
9
Sum of the Whole Matter
O
n the ride home from church, Grace was uncharacteristicallyquiet. André listened to the radio turned down low. He read two articles from the latest issue of
Sports Illustrated
magazine before stumbling over Skyler's name in a section mentioning high school basketball All-American candidates. “Ma!” he yelled. Grace jerked the steering wheel when she was startled by his tone.
n the ride home from church, Grace was uncharacteristicallyquiet. André listened to the radio turned down low. He read two articles from the latest issue of
Sports Illustrated
magazine before stumbling over Skyler's name in a section mentioning high school basketball All-American candidates. “Ma!” he yelled. Grace jerked the steering wheel when she was startled by his tone.
“Dré! What's wrong?”
“It's Skyler, he's in this magazine. They're listing him with the best prep ballplayers in the country.” André was amazed, but Grace was working hard at calming her nerves.
“That's good for Skyler, honey. But next time, take it easy. I could have hit someone when you yelled out like that.”
“I'm sorry,” he apologized without taking his eyes away from his best friend's name and photo on the page. “It says here that Sky's thinking about going pro after graduating this year.”
“Well, it's a big step from schooling teenage boys to holding his own against grown men who've dedicated themselves to being the top basketball players in the world. I'm sure that he and his grandmother will discuss it and do what's best for him and his future.”
André smiled even harder than before when he imagined how an NBA contract would help with the ailing woman's medical bills. “They sure could use the money. Skyler says they might have to move if Miss Pearl can't find another job that lets her sit down more. She still works for the cleaning company, but I've heard her talking about how much harder it's been to get around lately.”
Grace smiled at André after he exhibited more concern for the welfare of his friend's family than joy at Skyler's potentialto jump straight into the glamour and glitz that accompaniesthe professional ranks. Sister Kolislaw was correct in her astute observations about André. He was a good kid, with his heart in the right place. Grace had done an awesome job raising him to that point, and it was reflected in the fine young man he'd become. André's growth caused Grace to take a fair appraisal of how well she had matured as a Christian,or not. The single sheet of paper Sister Kolislaw gave her was burning a hole in her purse. She couldn't wait to get home, settle in, and review the Scriptures that assisted other single women's ascension to the next phase of their lives, the just-married phase.
The next hour was torture. Grace prepared smothered steaks, mashed potatoes, and snow peas. André finished dinnerso fast that the meal she'd fussed over disappeared in one blazing woof. He stretched out on the sofa to catch the secondhalf of the Dallas Cowboys vs. Green Bay Packers footballgame while Grace shuttled peas from one side of her plate to the other. So many things had changed in the past couple of weeks. Her world had been rocked off its axis after Chandelle questioned her voluntarily single status. Not that it caused her concern, but rather, it forced a self-assessment that resulted in an unfavorable evaluation. Grace wondered how one comment could transform her life, distort her self-worth,and reveal a fractured view of who she thought she was, which until then, had suited her just fine. After it was all said and done, there was no denying that the single-by-designlifestyle Grace had engineered had been motoring along at one hundred miles an hour despite a host of errors in judgment lurking just beneath the hood. The time had come to appraise the damage she'd sustained along her journey.
Grace opened her Bible, hoping she could afford the demandfor payment when the bill was due. She made herself comfortable on the chaise longue, then covered her bare legs with a multicolored throw. With the list of Scriptures propped against her legs, and a copy of an NIV Bible settled against her lap, she took a deep breath and dove in. The first passage was found in the book of Genesis, which made perfect sense. That's where man and woman began, after all. Genesis2:18, 21 and 22. Grace read to herself, “And the Lord God said, âIt is not good that man should be alone, I will make him a helper comparable to him.'” She'd read that particularverse several times throughout her studies, but it didn't carry the same weight that it did now. “It's not so good for woman to be alone either, if she can help it,” Grace commentedto herself, thinking back on Sister Kolislaw's words regarding that very topic. “Verses 21 and 22” she reminded herself, reading further. “And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. And the rib which the Lord God had taken from man, He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man.” Grace sighed tenderly. “Now that's a perfect love if ever there was one. âAnd He brought her to the man,' ” she repeated for emphasis' sake.
That must have been something to see, a man who didn't have any doubts that his woman was made just for him.
Grace hadn't considered herself a hopeless romantic before then, but she had to give God His props for hooking up Adam and Eve the way He did. So far, Sister Kolislaw's contribution was all right with Grace, so she had no problems continuing on. The next passage was found in Proverbs 18:22. Grace thumbed through the Bible with rapid vigor. “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord,” she read, smiling at the lost art of looking lost and being found like the older woman had suggested earlier. Eagerly moving on to the following scriptural reference, Grace felt good about her decision to visit with a seasoned veteran insteadof taking her concerns to Linda and Shelia for a dose of beauty-shop psychobabble.
That must have been something to see, a man who didn't have any doubts that his woman was made just for him.
Grace hadn't considered herself a hopeless romantic before then, but she had to give God His props for hooking up Adam and Eve the way He did. So far, Sister Kolislaw's contribution was all right with Grace, so she had no problems continuing on. The next passage was found in Proverbs 18:22. Grace thumbed through the Bible with rapid vigor. “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord,” she read, smiling at the lost art of looking lost and being found like the older woman had suggested earlier. Eagerly moving on to the following scriptural reference, Grace felt good about her decision to visit with a seasoned veteran insteadof taking her concerns to Linda and Shelia for a dose of beauty-shop psychobabble.
Proverbs 31:10â12 was the third passage listed, with “The Virtuous Wife” as the subtext. Grace perked up when she began following the words discussing what a virtuous wife was. “Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies. The heart of her husband safely trusts her; so that he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.” That definition sounded so good that Grace agreed with it while searching for the next verse written on the sheet. “That's all a sistah wants to be, a good woman for a lucky man who appreciates what she has to offer. Maybe I am too good for Tyson. After all, he should know better than anybody.”
Matthew 6:30â34 rang a bell, but Grace couldn't rememberwhy until she read it for herself. It had been used to make a point by her own minister the month before while reprimandingthe congregation for a record low in tithing. “Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not worry, saying, âWhat shall we eat?' or âWhat shall we drink?' or âWhat shall we wear?' For after all these things the Gentiles seek. For your Heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness,and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Noddingher head, Grace chuckled. “Uh-uh-uh, Sister Kolislaw is three for three. She's slick, too, putting me on the spot with that talk about playing corporate games and losing my focus. Bless her heart.” Grace's prescribed Bible study was moving along swimmingly. Her spirits were uplifted and all was made well with her soul, until she read the following Scripture, which poured salt on an open wound.
I Corinthians 6:18â20. “Flee from sexual immorality,” she read, slowing to watch the train wreck that was her own conscience slamming into the truth. “Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immoralitysins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which is God's.” After the last word rolled off her tongue, Grace turned away from her lesson but she couldn't escape the thought of having placed little to no stock in the way she allowed too many undeserving men come and go as they pleased in and out of her temple. She wanted to say how much of a mistake it had been scheduling flextimewith Tyson and running her behind clear across town to share a freaky bag of tricks with Greg, tricks that he neglectedto sanitize after episodes with other freaks.
Grace sat there for a moment before she gathered the nerve to resume. She hadn't adequately prepared herself for a mind-bending, soul-stirring epiphany, but the process had alreadybegun. There was no derailing it now that she'd caught a glimpse of the big picture, the one she'd neglected to see while living merely for the moment.
Grace was trembling. Her hurried pace slowed to a deliberatecrawl. She read the remaining passages silently becauseshe lacked the words to justify her actions or the sins she'd actively participated in while disregarding their repercussions.For Grace, this served as a wake-up call arranged without her prior knowledge but answered with the gravest sincerity. As she forged ahead, tears trickled down her face. She contemplated wiping them away immediately, then deemed them proper evidence of her repentance.
After the following Scripture, Grace penciled personal notes in the margins of the “Course on Conviction,” which is what she'd come to refer to the sheet of paper presented by the caring church member. I Corinthians 6: 9â10 read, “Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdomof God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites. Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortionerswill enter the kingdom of God.” Sighing again, much deeper this time, Grace felt as though an anvil had been placed on her chest.
I guess it's true what I learned as a little girl in Sunday school,
she thought to herself.
No sinner is any better or worse than any other one. Wrong is wrong, like it or not, and we're all doing wrong together
. Eventually Grace reached in her purse, resting beside the chaise, and pulled out a handful of tissues. She dabbed her eyes before braving the remaining Scriptures listed on the sheet.
I guess it's true what I learned as a little girl in Sunday school,
she thought to herself.
No sinner is any better or worse than any other one. Wrong is wrong, like it or not, and we're all doing wrong together
. Eventually Grace reached in her purse, resting beside the chaise, and pulled out a handful of tissues. She dabbed her eyes before braving the remaining Scriptures listed on the sheet.
I Corinthians 11:11â12 said, “Nevertheless, neither is man independent of woman, nor woman independent of man, in the Lord. For as woman came from man, even so man comes through woman; but all things are from God.”
I Corinthians 7:1-2 read, “Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affectiondue her, and likewise also the wife to her husband.”
Romans 12:1â2 stated, “I beseech you therefore, brethren,by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonableservice. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is good and acceptable and the perfect will of God.”
I Peter 1:13â15 read, “Beloved, I beg you as sojourners and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lusts which war against the soul.”
I Thessalonians 4:3â5 said, “For this is the will of God, your sanctification that you should abstain from sexual immorality;that each of you should know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in passion or lust, like the Gentiles who do not know God.”
James 4:7 stated, “Therefore submit to God. Resist the Devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purifyyour hearts, you double-minded.”
Matthew 26:41 read, “Watch and pray, least you enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.”
II Peter 1:5â7 said, “But also for this reason, given all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverancegodliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love.” Semblances of a smile found its way onto Grace's face when an abundant light appeared at the end of a very dark tunnel. She thought,
It stands to reason that a sistah would have to go through a long stretch of self-control, perseverance and tossin' and turnin' in order to get her hands on some brotherly kindness and love.
When it seemed that the Word had drowned her in a sea of despair, the sun made a remarkable comeback, and Grace had begun to bask in its radiance.
It stands to reason that a sistah would have to go through a long stretch of self-control, perseverance and tossin' and turnin' in order to get her hands on some brotherly kindness and love.
When it seemed that the Word had drowned her in a sea of despair, the sun made a remarkable comeback, and Grace had begun to bask in its radiance.
Â
Â
There was a light tap at Grace's bedroom door. “Yes,” she answered. André opened it cautiously and stuck his head in.
“Ma, you all right?” he asked when his curious eyes discovered her disheveled in a manner he had never seen before.
“Yes, I'm a whole lot better now, thank you.”
“I almost forgot to tell you that my English teacher, Mr. Peters, wants you to call him. He said you left before he could talk to you at parents' night.”
“I'll take care of it. And André,” she paused to collect herself, “I love you so much.”
“I know Ma. I know,” he replied, knowing full well that she did with all her heart.
Grace turned the page on her Bible study as André closed her bedroom door. She was mentally drained and spiritually uplifted all at once. The appreciation she owed Sister Kolislawcould wait, but the overdue gratitude fit for a king could not. She eased off the longue and planted herself against it. Grace felt a swell of emotion come over her as she cleared her mind of all earthly woes and opened it to heavenly matterslong since neglected. She prayed,
Father, God. I hope you still recognize my voice. This is Grace. It's been a while since I've made the time to come to you like this. I know I should have done better, and I'm sorry. Please accept my humble apologies as I submit myself to you the best way I know how. God, I can see your presence around me every day. You've allowed me to enjoy a wonderful job, a beautiful home, and a loving child. Although there's no possible way for me to give you back a fraction of what you've blessed me with, I'd like to try. There hasn't been a great deal of honor in the way I've shared my body with men, but I see that now. I see it clearly, and it hurts. Please help me to honor you and your many blessings. Father, I want to be a better Christian than I have been. I want you to be proud of me, all of me. If you haven't already, I beg of you not to turn your face away from me and the rising tides of life. I do believe that you have a plan for me. Hopefully, I can live up to it and your expectations.We both know that I've fallen short up 'til now. I'm repenting from sexual immorality and lusts of the flesh, but I need you to stand by me. Please don't give up on me in spite of how I've failed you. I need you, Father. I need you. It's in your son's name, Jesus Christ, I submit myself to you. Amen.
Father, God. I hope you still recognize my voice. This is Grace. It's been a while since I've made the time to come to you like this. I know I should have done better, and I'm sorry. Please accept my humble apologies as I submit myself to you the best way I know how. God, I can see your presence around me every day. You've allowed me to enjoy a wonderful job, a beautiful home, and a loving child. Although there's no possible way for me to give you back a fraction of what you've blessed me with, I'd like to try. There hasn't been a great deal of honor in the way I've shared my body with men, but I see that now. I see it clearly, and it hurts. Please help me to honor you and your many blessings. Father, I want to be a better Christian than I have been. I want you to be proud of me, all of me. If you haven't already, I beg of you not to turn your face away from me and the rising tides of life. I do believe that you have a plan for me. Hopefully, I can live up to it and your expectations.We both know that I've fallen short up 'til now. I'm repenting from sexual immorality and lusts of the flesh, but I need you to stand by me. Please don't give up on me in spite of how I've failed you. I need you, Father. I need you. It's in your son's name, Jesus Christ, I submit myself to you. Amen.
Other books
Italian Shoes by Henning Mankell
Mary Wine by Dream Specter
Angel Dance (Danny Logan Mystery #1) by Grayson, M. D.
Cherokee Bat and the Goat Guys by Francesca Lia Block
Holding On by Marcia Willett
El Libro de los Tres by Lloyd Alexander
Ready to Roll by Melanie Greene
Milk Glass Moon by Adriana Trigiani
Master of the Opera, Act 5: A Haunting Duet by Jeffe Kennedy