Down to Ash (#Dirtysexygeeks Book 2) (17 page)

Did the loss of his friendship with Porter hurt like a son of a bitch? Fuck yeah. Would losing the rest of the Goon Squad hurt just as much. Hell yes. The guilt of his choice—his actions—buzzed in the background of every second he spent with her. Yet he couldn't regret a single moment.

“Come here,” he said, his throat tight.

She stepped into him, throwing her arms around his shoulders without prompting. “You're looking like you want to kiss me.”

“Yeah,” he murmured.

The first kiss was soft, a teasing of lips. The second was longer, deeper. The third was probably going to get them kicked out. It had tongue, and she moaned, practically melting against him. She was flushed when he lifted his head.

He smirked. “I—”

“Victor?”

Ice-cold fingers closed around his heart. He gripped Ash's waist. The implosion he’d anticipated was evidently going to happen sooner rather than later. He pivoted to look into Grady's shocked face. Eva stood beside Grady, her brows way, way up.

Instinct forced Victor to push Ash behind him as though he had to protect her.

Grady sputtered for a second. “What the fu—” He pushed out a harsh breath. “Can we talk outside?”

Vic’s stomach dropped somewhere around his feet. “Sure.”

Eva waved at him lamely and then lurched straight for Ash. He knew that we're-going-to-gossip expression, and didn't tense. The fact Ash wasn't in danger left him with no reason to stay.

Outside, Grady paced on the sidewalk, running a hand through his hair.

Victor crossed his arms. “From your reaction, I'm guessing Porter didn't tell you.”

“Porter knows?” Grady waved his hands as though to say that shit didn't matter. “What the fuck are you doing? Ashley?
Ashley
?”

How many times had he thought the same after their first time together? Too many. “It's done, Grady.”

“What's done?” His friend's voice came out hard. “You don't fuck your friend's sister then shrug it off. And when did you even start looking at her that way?”

The muscles in Victor’s back bunched as the question hit him. “When did I start looking at Ash? Hmmm. I don't know. Probably at age fifteen or sixteen. She was wearing shorts and a crop top. I almost passed out at how fast the blood rushed from my head.”

Grady's face twisted in disgust. Not that surprising. The man saw Ashley as his little sis. “Something is fucking wrong with you.”

That stung like a bitch. “So you think I'm with her just to get my rocks off?” Victor’s voice came out low and sharp, unspent anger building in his chest. “That I'd throw away my friendships for a nut?”

At that, Grady stilled and then tilted his head. He huffed out a breath, surprise clear on his face. “You're in love with her.”

Not a question, so no need to confirm or deny. Not with Grady. He'd would see the truth and arrive at reason. He'd still be pissed on Porter's behalf, but Grady would understand.

Victor shoved his hands into his pockets. The defensive stance wouldn't change the outcome or the tone of the conversation. “It's done, Grady. Look, I'm sorry. I really am—for not telling you. I mean, I never wanted this shitstorm, but it happened anyway.”

Grady's jaw worked. “Say it.”

His stomach clenched. “What?”

“You damn well know what.”

Saying the words out loud mattered, but if he ever did, he'd only say them to one person. She wasn't outside at the moment.

When no answer, Grady stomped forward and pushed him in the chest hard enough that Victor had to step back to keep his balance.

“Say it. Or I'll know you're a chickenshit.”

Victor knew Grady was baiting him. It was obvious. “Fuck off, Grady.”

“You don't get to be mad at me. You,” Grady poked him in the chest, “fucked Porter's sister. Then again, since it's nothing...”

The words rose in his throat and almost strangled him. Victor swallowed and pushed out, “Yes, uh—I care for her. Deeply.”

He glared at his friend, who grinned. Maybe if it had been Oliver asking—prodding—Victor’s scalp wouldn't have felt so tight. His stomach definitely wouldn't have been rolling around. “I hope your dick falls off,” he added.

That only made Grady laugh. “No wonder you were angry all the damn time. Fifteen years of drooling over someone you could never touch. Damn.” He shook his head. “Still Porter's never going to speak to you again. Or Wade.”

He tensed again. “Wade...said something about her?”

Grady looked up to heaven as though asking for patience. “She's probably the only person he's not a dick to, but because of Porter...” He sighed. “I should punch you so hard right now.”

Should
. Something like hope sparked in Victor’s chest. He hadn't thought he'd have any friends after all was said and done. He'd have Ash and that would have to be enough. “But you're not?”

Eva exited Brew and Bagel, smiling as she held the door open. She could have passed for the girl next door if not for the darkness in her gaze.

Grady's stance changed from rigid to relaxed, and then a stupid grin spread across his face. “I know what you're feeling.” He slapped him on the shoulder.

If Victor were the hugging type, he would have dragged Grady into an embrace. But he wasn't, so he punched his friend in the shoulder. “Hey, this stays between us.”

“More secrets? You think you'd learn by now, but, yeah. I won't tell Ashley.”

Ash came out next, carrying a cupholder with two coffees and three muffins. She picked up a cup and handed it to him. “Try it.”

He lifted the top, sniffed, and set the coffee back in the holder. “Large. Regular and black. That's what I like. Whatever this is smells like sugar in a fucking cup.”

“I like to think I'm more curvy and spectacular rather than regular. Still black, though.”

Victor snorted because he'd totally given her the best setup without meaning to.

Eva kissed Grady on the cheek. “I'm sorry, hon. I think I'm in love with her.”

Grady muttered something that sounded like “Going around.”

Ash sighed and shoved the cup at Victor. “One sip. If you hate it, I'll get you the octane you like.”

Somewhat appeased by the deal, he took a tentative taste and didn't gag, so he took a longer one. “Is there sugar in this?”

“Nope.”

“Milk?”

“Nope. Just coffee.”

“I guess it's okay,” he grumbled before taking a long sip.

She tried not to preen, but modesty wasn't Ash's strong suit. “Hey, Grady. Did you two fight and make up already?”

“Somewhat,” Grady said.

She shook her head. “Boys and their bromances. Anyway, good seeing you, but we have to head to work. Eva, don't forget, we're meeting up on Friday. You're going to love Iris.”

Right there was why he’d risked everything. She was Ash. Depending on her mood, she could be sunshine or barbed wire. How could he not be drawn to her? But when Porter had asked if Victor was it for her, she hadn't answered. She still viewed what they were doing as just sex. That gnawed at him, but then again, keeping things casual could be for the best. He wasn't cured. He could still hurt her. If he weren't so fucking selfish, he'd push her away. But he was.

“Later,” Victor said to Eva and Grady.

His friend frowned. “Drop by anytime.”

Probably not the best idea. Grady had chosen sides. The rest of his friends would do the same. He'd never wanted that, and definitely wouldn't make things worse by showing up at Grady's.

“Sure,” he lied.

Once they were in the car, Ash said to him, “Porter won't stay mad at you forever. He can't. I won't let him.”

He gripped the steering wheel. “That's between me and him.”

She pushed. “Vic—”

“Drop it, Ash,” and he made sure to say the words in a tone that left no room for argument.

She clamped her mouth shut, her eyes narrowed. He knew that wouldn't be the end of it. For now though the argument was over. He'd take it.

~Gamer Truth: RageQuit: It's What's For Dinner. ~

Ash believed there was such a thing as beautiful chaos. A week later, she was standing in the middle of it. Children screamed, laughed, and practically jumped out of their skin from pure joy. Likely hopped up on sugar, and why not? The carnival on the pier was the perfect excuse to have fun and be loud.

Some parents joined in on the fun, some wore their is-this-day-over-yet expressions.

Teens mingled in groups. The ones who would peak at twenty-one looked bored, too cool for fun. The others still ran from ride to ride, the bigger the better. She hoped they never lost that energy.

But she hadn't driven for an hour to enjoy the view. No one had seen or heard from Porter since the big blowup. He'd let his calls go to voice mail and ghosted from their lives. She’d decided the pier would be the last place she'd check before worrying herself sick. She'd probably even ask Victor to hunt him down, because if there was a digital record of something, he could find it.

She meandered around, picking up a corn dog as she went. The docks were at the end of the carnival. That was the last place she could check. She rounded the corner to walk down the pier, tossing the stick away since she'd demolished the food.

A lone black man sat on top of the tables, facing the water. The knot in her stomach loosened. Porter was alive. Having confirmed that, she thought she should probably turn around to let him have his alone time. From where she stood, she could see his hands weren't broken and he could have damn well called. He just hadn't wanted to reassure her or anyone that he was fine.

She wouldn’t have gone looking for him at all, but for the last week, Vic had had an anxious edge to him. More than once, she'd caught him picking up his phone, then realization settled in and he'd set his cell back down with a dejected expression flitting over his face. She had to do what she could to fix them. Failure wasn't an option.

Steeling herself, she walked up beside her brother.

His scoff was harsh as he lowered his head with a slow shake. “Go away, Ashley.”

She climbed up to the table using the cement bench as a step and settled next to him. “You're not dead. Happy to see that.”

“You don't get to—”

“'I'm alive.' That's all I needed.”

He waved the words off with a dismissive gesture. “Don't start with a lie.”

She raised her brows. “So, I didn't want to know you were okay?”

“Show me a police report,” he threw back.

She flinched, but kept pushing. “A grown man disappears after he finds out his friend is sleeping with his sister?”

He shrugged, conceding. “Well, you can see that I'm fine. Leave me the hell alone.”

Ash wanted to reach out and take his face in her hands, force him to look at her—to yell at her so they could get past the hard part, but that was her guilt. They had to work through their conflict the ugly way.

“You won't even look at me,” she said. “You're not fine. We're not fine.”

He turned his gaze to her, and she wished he hadn't. No warmth or kindness could be found.

“For a week I came out here, to this same bench trying to forgive you, and I just keep thinking of more evidence that you...” His lip curled and he forced his gaze back to the water.

She clasped her hands together, not wanting to ask, but needing to know. “I'm what?”

“From day one, I had to be careful because you were new and precious—a gift our parents hadn't expected.” There was no give in his voice or in the hard lines of his face. “Never ended, though. ‘Look out for your sister,’ or ‘Don't turn her into a tomboy playing all your games,’ or ‘Why did you let your sister do that?’” He lowered his voice. “'Don't tell Ash about your father. It'll break
her
heart.’”

The words battered at her. She hadn't known the last confession, and her heart hurt for him.

Heat stung at her eyes but she blinked back the threat of tears. “I never asked you to do any of those things for me. That was Mom and Dad being a mom and dad.”

“Maybe. Maybe not.” He threw up his hands and shrugged. “I don't care anymore. You can do whatever you want,
whoever
you want.”

Her back slammed straight up. It wasn't a blessing, but a write-off. She'd expected him to be pissed, not apathetic. “Because of Vic?” Disbelief was clear in her voice.

His laugh was short and sharp enough to cut. “No, because of you.”

Her lungs squeezed, and hard. “Wow.” She looked out to the water, unable to hold his gaze. “
Wow
.”

He nodded as though he was working himself up to a good steam. “I asked you if Victor was it for you and you practically said that he was a fling. Do you get how screwed up that is? A twenty-year friendship tossed away for an orgasm. You didn't even look guilty or ashamed. Did you even care what that could mean to Victor? He could lose all his friends because you simply wanted to fuck him.” He looked at her again, his face twisted in disgust at her. “God, Ashley, did you even hesitate?”

Ash tried to tell herself he was just speaking in anger. She should let him spill out more ugly words and force herself to take the abuse. She understood he needed to unload, but every word seemed to dig out a small piece of her.

“Yes,” she said. “I did.”

“And, Victor... poor bastard. He wouldn't have done what he did unless he loved you. I know him. He just wouldn't have.”

She could only blink at her brother's assertion, but the truth of his words sank in. Victor had been in the military. He had the fortitude to hold his liquor. No matter how many times she kissed him or goaded him, if he hadn't wanted to end up in her bed, he wouldn't have. Ash had just assumed lust had gotten the better of him.

Her brother went on, leveling her world. “The more I thought about it, the more I realized Dad wasn’t the only reason why I had my rule. He walked away unscathed after he left everyone else around him flattened. I never wanted you with any of my friends because
you
are so much like him.”

“What?” All she could really do was snap as shock rooted her.

“The stakes were high for Victor, but you?” His tone was just as aggressive. “You'll be my sister, always. What did you have to lose? Not a damn thing. I wasn't protecting you with my rule. Definitely not myself. I was protecting my friends from you.”