Downcast (13 page)

Every year, watching for the melting snow, I studied the changing color of mud from sloppy dead brown to a rich, rotting black as it turned into soil that would be ready to grow things. I sniffed stems and branches for the telltale smell of growth, and using my thumbnail, I'd gently scrape off old bark to check for fresh green underneath.

I did like spring best, but I liked the gritty, raw nature of the season before it got "pretty."

I studied the fall, too, because in order to understand how things grew, you also had to know how things died. Obviously, fall wasn't my favorite season, but it was interesting, almost like watching everything shrink back, like a tug of war, pulling everything back into the earth. Yeah, my brain went weird places, but since no one ever really wanted to know what I thought, I figured it didn't matter.

As I worked, I kept an eye on the Produce Department, hoping and dreading that Mom would finally show up. She didn’t, but Haley and Zack did. I forgot whatever it was I was doing and gaped at them.

“Ow!” I exclaimed, wincing as I accidentally pruned a piece of my thumb instead of a leaf.

Throwing down the Gerber daisy with a grimace, I grabbed a paper towel and hand sanitizer, administering first aid to my thumb, which probably didn’t need it, but still.

Finally looking back up, I found that I had lost sight of the brothers. They had probably finished with produce and gone into the rest of the store. With a sigh, I picked up the daisy and went back to assembling bouquets.

The squeak of a cart alerted me that I had a customer. I glanced up from my final bouquet to see Haley standing in front of my counter with a shopping cart full of food.

“I’ve come to pay my respects to the goddess of the Floral Department,” he said with a toe-curling smile.

I rolled my eyes but smiled back anyway. “Ha-ha. Very funny.”

Seconds ticked away with increasing discomfort as I scrambled to think of something to say.

“So, how is that you guys are doing the grocery shopping?” I asked, relieved to think of something. “Your parents out of town or something?”

“Basically, yes. We’re on our own.”

“Oh,” was all I could think of for a reply. It seemed kind of sad that Haley and Zack were alone, but then again, at least Haley didn’t seem bothered by it.

“I don’t mind grocery shopping,” Haley said. “Someone has to go with Zack, anyway, otherwise he comes home with nothing but bacon, frozen pizzas, and ice cream.”

“Sounds pretty good to me, actually,” I said with a laugh.

“Yeah, but then he forgets things like toilet paper, and it’s not so good.”

“Well, it looks like you’ve reined him in so far,” I observed, going up on my tiptoes to peek into their cart. “Wow, someone likes our organic, less-delicious version of Oreos a lot!”

“Uh, yes. Um. That would be me.”

“And, apparently, you like the gluten-free Key Lime and white chocolate cookies, too.”

“They’re really not bad.”

“Not to mention the double fudge chocolate chip cookies that actually are pretty good.”

“You’ve caught me,” Haley said, holding up his hands in mock surrender. “I admit it. I have a sweet tooth.”

“Huh,” I said, wrinkling my brow. “That’s so odd.”

“What’s odd?”

Embarrassed by my lack of brain-mouth filter, I muttered, “Just seeing you and food, and talking about food with you. I never really thought about it before.”

“Stephanie.”

I looked up at him as he brushed my name with his velvet voice. He was smiling, clearly amused, but his eyes looked dark and inviting.

“I have to eat,” he said. “Just like you do.”

His words were ordinary and reasonable, but there was something off in the way he said them. Frowning, I found myself straining to hear the whisper of his meaning behind his voice.

“Does that surprise you?” he asked.

“N-no, it doesn’t. It shouldn’t. I guess I’m just surprised at seeing you outside of school. I never really see anyone outside of school, so I guess that’s what’s weird.”

“I like seeing you outside of school.”

“Well, this is the only place you’ll have a chance to do it,” I replied with a rueful chuckle. The chances of my ever being anywhere but home with Mom were deep in the negative numbers.

“I got the pizzas!” Zack announced, appearing by the cart with an armful of boxes. “Got pepperoni and a couple of supremes. Oh, hey, Steph, check you out! Large and in charge of all the flowers!”

“That’s me,” I said with a shrug and a shy grin.

“Dude, I gotta go back and get the bacon. Meet you in the freezer aisle for the ice cream.” Zack winked at me and dashed off.

Haley gave a long-suffering sigh and smiled at me. “I guess I had better go do damage control.”

“Yeah, make sure he leaves some bacon for the rest of the customers,” I said.

“I’ll…see you around,” he said, resting his hand on the counter and leaning forward ever so slightly. He hissed then quickly drew back, glancing down and grimacing before walking off.

I followed his gaze and found three decomposing, slimy ferns stems on the counter. That was odd. I could have sworn they were okay when I pulled them out a bit ago to add them to this last bouquet. Maybe I had just been too distracted by the sight of Haley to really pay attention. In any case, this probably meant that later, I should change the water in all the buckets.

After that, I only caught a glimpse of Haley and Zack as they headed into the checkout lines. Haley looked morose, but Zack was the picture of cheerfulness. Thinking about my encounter with them provided me with lots of food for thought as I worked through the rest of the morning.

Before lunch, I decided it was dumpster-run time. Ben came over to cover me. I trudged out to the back of the building, for once not looking forward to going outside because of the rain.

After the usual dizzying swing and twirl of trash into the container, I wiped my hands on my apron and turned to go back inside.

"Stephanie!"

I froze.

It was like déjà vu…from two hours ago.

Slowly, I turned back to look across the road to the graveyard.

Haley was standing in the middle of it, one hand jammed in his pocket, the other holding up a huge black umbrella.

My heart stopped, then revved like an engine turning over. He was so beautiful in the rain, standing among the graves.

Little rivulets of water dripped off the hood of my sweatshirt and onto my nose brought me back to the moment. Without thinking, I ran across to the graveyard, my sneakers squelching in the puddles.

Haley reached his hand out to me and pulled me under his umbrella, pushing my hood back. He smiled down into my face, and I realized just how close we were standing.

"What are you doing here?" I panted, trying to catch my breath and my thoughts. “I thought you’d be on your way home with Zack.”

"He is on his way home," Haley replied, a sly grin sliding over his lips. “I, however, wanted to wish you happy birthday.”

"How did you know it was my birthday?"

He shrugged and then frowned a little.

"I came here for another reason," he said abruptly.

"Okay?"

He swallowed nervously and pulled a small black velvet pouch from his jacket pocket. He handed it to me, and his cold fingers brushed my cold fingers. Even numb from the chilly rain, I could feel the zing from his touch burn through my veins.

It was my turn to swallow hard as I opened the pouch and pulled out a necklace.

"Oh," I breathed. "Wow."

It was a delicate gold chain with a flat gold disc for a pendant. The pendant was studded with what looked like six tiny rubies.

"Haley," I gasped. "I can't accept this."

He grinned.

"What?" I demanded, the necklace still dangling from my fingers, swinging between our faces like the pendulum of our weird relationship.

"You said my name," he replied, the strength of his smile coloring his words with happiness. "You've never said my name before."

"Oh. Um, I didn't realize. But, Haley, I can't take this."

His smile froze. "Why not?"

"I mean, I barely know you. And, you don't really know me. And, we're not friends. Well, we're friends. Sort of. Kind of. But not the...I mean, this is a really beautiful necklace, but you can't just give me something so expensive. Like, what would everyone think, and I'm not sure you even..."

My voice trailed off. I was babbling. I was completely ruining the moment. Every word made Haley's face fall a little more. I sucked.

"It's real," he said finally, after possibly the most awkward moment of silence I've ever experienced in my life. "I'm real. I'm here. We are… friends, and I wanted to give you a gift."

He paused and looked away from me, staring out at the rainy woods around the graveyard. When he turned his gaze back to me, I saw desperation in his eyes, and a tendril of dread began to unfurl in me.

"Keep it," he said stoically. "Whether or not you decide to wear it, keep it. But...if you would like to wear it...wear it soon. I don't have much time left."

"What do you mean you don't have much time?" I demanded breathlessly, the necklace now firmly clenched in my closed fist. My clearly overactive imagination went into hyperdrive at his words, fueled by the weirdest panic I'd ever felt.

He looked miserably at me and said, "I am not going to be around here for much longer. I'm so sorry. I wish I could give you more time, the time you need."

"Are you dying?" There was a slight hysterical edge to my voice.

He shrugged. "No, though I feel like I've never really lived."

Tears welled up in my eyes, and I didn't dare blink because then they'd spill, and I'd just be another stupid, overly-emotional girl. I could tell he was holding back his pain, but I could clearly see through the window of his eyes into his deep suffering. His black gaze was no longer endlessly impenetrable. It was a fathomless, bottomless well of anguish.

"Don't cry," he murmured, looking at me tenderly. "There's still hope."

"There is?" I croaked, swallowing sobs before they could jump out of my throat.

"There's always hope," he said firmly.

He reached out with his hand as if to caress my cheek, but instead, took a lock of my hair and lifted the ends to his lips in a kiss.

I watched him incredulously, my breath coming in irregular gasps. He smiled and tugged my hood back up over my head.

"You should probably go back inside," he said in a normal voice, as if we'd been talking about homework. "I'll walk you back to the door."

Dumbly, I nodded and walked by his side, back to the store. He opened the door for me, and I paused mid-step.

“Wait,” I exclaimed, the obvious just hitting me. “Hope for what?”

I turned, but he was gone.

I shook my head and blinked, looking around for him, but he was seriously gone. How had I missed that? Was I that much in a daze? Why hadn’t I asked more questions?

I looked down at the necklace that I still clutched in my palm, the rubies now winking in the fluorescent light of the storeroom.

With grim impetuosity, I put the necklace on and lifted my chin before going back out on the floor.

BY THE TIME
my shift ended in the early afternoon, I was a wreck.

Mom and Haley occupied all my thoughts. Where was Mom? Why hadn’t she texted or called me? Why did Haley have to leave? Why did it matter so much to me? Was Mom okay? Why had she left this morning without a word? How much longer did Haley have here?

I clocked out after lunch, miserably confused and feeling completely useless. Stepping outside, I barely noticing it had stopped raining, when a quick beep of a horn caught my attention.

For a split second, I wondered if it was Mom, but then I saw Helen's car, with Helen at the wheel. She pulled up and pushed open the passenger door.

"Get in," she ordered, grinning.

"What? Why?"

Helen made her Just Do As I Say face and repeated, "Get. In."

I got in.

She threw her arms around my shoulders and gave me a huge hug. Instinctively, I hugged her back. It was so exactly what I needed at that moment.

"Happy birthday," she proclaimed. "Welcome to legal adulthood. Now, let's go shopping."

"Wait, shopping?" I exclaimed, my tired brain totally unable to process anything else.

"Yes," Helen replied firmly, driving off. "Your mom never let you have birthday gifts or birthday parties for eighteen years. So, I have eighteen years to make up for."

"You don't have to do this," I stammered. "We can just go for pizza or something."

"I have been planning this for a while," she said, ignoring me. "Normally, I hate shopping, but I think I'm going to really like shopping for you. We can have a bonfire later and burn all your Eileen Fisher dresses. Oh, and I personally get to throw that stupid sweater with the matchstick people on the fire."

Unable to help myself, I laughed. Suddenly, I wanted to tell her about Haley, but I forced myself to hold back. Maybe Haley's leaving was a secret? If it was, then it was his to tell, not mine to share. I settled for unburdening myself about Mom instead.

Helen listened as we drove to the mall, punctuating my story with small noises of disgust.

"Look," she said as we pulled up to the drab suburban shopping mall. "We'll deal with your mom. She'll just have to get over it. You weren't being awful or rude or anything. What you wanted was totally normal. I'm sure she's fine and just blowing off steam somewhere. But, whatever. Right now, this is about you. The new you."

"The new me," I repeated, wondering about all the things those words could mean. Helen’s reassurance about my mom’s behavior being some kind of adult temper tantrum made me feel a whole lot better. After all, if brilliant, logical, practical Helen wasn’t worried, then I had no reason to worry, either.

We walked into the mall, and I caught sight of myself in a reflection on the glass of the mall directory. Plain. Boring. Frumpy. Everything my mom approved of.

But, not anymore. Not if I didn't choose to be. Now, I had the right to choose for myself.