Downtrodden Abbey: The Interminable Saga of an Insufferable Family (17 page)

Guess who wins?

Supple can tell you.

Actually, sadly … she cannot.

XVI

Supple Differences

Handsom is further chastised by Flora for the name he chooses for the baby.

“‘Supple’? Really? Seriously inappropriate,” she barks.

“But you named
your
daughter that…” Handsom responds.

Times were different,
the countess thinks.
Women weren’t just considered bodies in bustiers back then. Hopefully, though, with the increasing popularity of motion pictures, that will all change. Women will be looked at in entirely new ways, not just as sexual objects. And who knows? Perhaps they will even make significant inroads in the areas of directing, producing, and screenwriting! Which reminds me—I have
got
to get back to my script …

When she comes out of her reverie and faces Handsom, he is gone.

Blaming Roderick for Supple’s death seems to infuse Flora with energy, and provides a nifty excuse for sleeping in a separate bedroom.

Inexperienced waitstaff often covered their anxiety with blank stares.

Edsel, the former prostitute, is assigned the daunting task of preparing lunch for the Crawfish women. Mrs. Patmimore admonishes her to leave her old life behind as she presents each course.

“’Ow ’bout a date, then?” Edsel says, proffering the starter, a dish of plump Moroccan Medjools. “Who of you lot would like to join me for a date? Guarantee you’ve never sampled sweet flesh like this, guv’nahs…”

Overhearing this from the kitchen, Mrs. Patmimore hits herself over the head with a meat tenderizer.

*   *   *

At Cockswallow, Brace meets a Jewish inmate, Maurie, and asks him if he is, by any chance, a lawyer. As luck would have it he is, and after reviewing his fellow prisoner’s case, he approaches Brace in the chow hall.

“I think I’ve found a loophole,” Maurie whispers.

“Best way to keep your trousers up,” says Brace.

Oy, this guy is always with the schtick,
thinks Maurie.

“No,
bubelah
—I mean a loophole in your
farkakta
situation. With the wife, and the cooking, and the murder, and the blaming. I think I can get you sprung,
boychik
. You’ll be back in the McMansion
schtupping
your little chambermaid in no time.”

Though he fervently wishes that his attorney were less of a cultural stereotype, Brace is granted an … er,
exodus
from Cockswallow.

But as pleased as he may be upon his release from prison, it only triggers more from Tomaine’s bottomless pit of resentment; that the gimpy murder suspect—rather than he—will again be holding Lord Crawfish’s trousers, provoked his rage.

It is, perhaps, this venom that sends him to Jiggy’s bedroom, where he plants a wet one on the succulent-but-unsuspecting lips of the sleeping footmasseur. (That and O’Grotten, who claims that Jiggy has been quoting Oscar Wilde incessantly lately, and taking needlepoint lessons.)

Macho men out for a night of mischief, c. 1907.

“Tomaine!” Jiggy screams. “When I flutter my eyelashes at you, I am doing it
ironically
! And I’ve only been grabbing your rump because I’ve heard you keep loose change in your back pocket. What kind of perv do you think I am, man?”

“What are you accusing me of?” asks Tomaine.

“Well, how about answering a question with a question, for starters?”

“Aren’t you one to talk?”

“I don’t know, am I?”

And so it went. (Or did it?)

*   *   *

Though Supple’s death and Handsom’s vow to raise the child as a Buddhist is gracious plenty to put the Grandsuns in a tizzy, it is an announcement by Enid that finally sends them over the edge.

“It’s official. I’m going into journalism!” she declares at dinner.

“Oh, Enid. Darling, how can throw your life away like this? There was a reporter who did a story on Downtrodden a few years ago. They said that we were upstanding, generous, compassionate souls who give back to the community and treat our help as though they were family.”

“Yes, I know, father—they got everything wrong. That’s what I want to change! I want to make a difference, like Supple did. Affect social reform. Expose evil, and analyze ways to repair trouble and turmoil.”

Vile, the dowager countess, is so stirred to respond that she actually stands up. “We Crawfish have never been in the business of repairing turmoil,” she snorts. “We
create
it.”

XVII

Don’t Think and Drive

Any opportunity to soil white clothing and make the servants’ lives even more miserable is an open door for the Crawfish family. And the annual rugby match is just such an opportunity.

What’s at stake this year is Atchew’s future with the family. He has been an active “cast” member, shall we say, at Downtrodden for three years. Marry and the others have been fairly certain that his commitment is solid. But the fact that Atchew has brought an agent, Howie Kreplach, to the rugby game—and that they are playing for the other team—seems rather suspect, to say the least.

“Surely you can stick around for another season,” Lord Crawfish tells Atchew on the sidelines between scrums.

“I’ve got other things I want to do,” Atchew explains.

“Maybe Atchew wants to live with another family for a while,” says Kreplach. “And, I mean nothing’s definite, but he is entertaining other offers.”

Lord Crawfish considers this preposterous. A man with a pregnant wife considering other options?

“Look,” he says, trying to calm the situation before the next play. “I’ll be the first to admit—I’m weak. I exemplify old money, I prey on young housemaids, and I am terrible at business.

“You, on the other hand, are young and handsome. You’ve all but saved Downtrodden from ruin. You’d be desperately missed if your agent lets you go to another, er … family.”

Atchew is touched by Roderick’s candor.

“Let me think about it this afternoon,” he says. “I’m going on a high-speed automobile ride on a narrow, curvy road. It’ll be the perfect time for me to wrap my head around a tree.”

Roderick looks at him.

“What?”

“I mean, the
situation,
” Atchew says. “To wrap my head around the
situation
.”

Life goes on at Downtrodden Abbey. Roderick and Flora reconcile. Mrs. Patmimore gets involved with a man who finds her buns irresistible—but sadly for her, only in the literal sense. At the county fair Tomaine saves Jiggy’s butt, but that’s as close to Jiggy’s butt as he is allowed. Marry’s baby is born.

As for Atchew?

Let us just say that—as far as living is concerned—his contract is up.

HISTORICAL INACCURACY IN THE CREATION AND DEVELOPMENT OF THE DOWNTRODDEN ABBEY SERIES AND PRODUCTION NOTES

While
Downtrodden Abbey
is a work of fiction, great pains have been taken to adhere closely to the facts of Edwardian life early in the twentieth century. The estate itself is based on Lowdownne Castle, which was built in the 1700s but—despite being made of stone—was destroyed by an infestation of particularly aggressive termites.

Though cosmetic surgery was uncommon in the time in which
Downtrodden
is set, the producers found it near to impossible to cast even one actor who had not had some work done.

This series has proven to be a tremendous challenge in the areas of budget, casting, and supervision of period detail, and in the interest of historical accuracy, the producers would like to acknowledge the following errors. We regret these anachronisms and will make best efforts to have them removed for the inevitable expensive boxed set planned for Christmas release after the series has finally run its course.

1. Tomaine, the footmasseur, has a tattoo of the pop singer Harry Connick Jr. on his left shoulder, which is visible in Episode 4 of Season One. Harry Connick Jr. was born in 1967. We have arranged for this image to be digitally replaced with an overlay of Beatrice Lillie, a saucy dance hall performer of the day.

2. In Episode 2 of Season Two, Atchew is seen at breakfast drinking from a can of Red Bull. Contrary to rumours on the Internet, Red Bull—the most popular energy drink in the world with sales of 4.5 billion units per year—was not involved in the financing or partial underwriting of
Downtrodden Abbey
. However, we would like to point out that Red Bull mixes wonderfully with many alcohol-based products, provides midday stimulation at the workplace, and tastes great over ice. Red Bull gives you wings! Look for it at your local grocer or beverage supply store.

3. Lady Enid is rather conspicuously fiddling with an iPhone at the Schlepper’s Dance, in the conclusion of Season Two. We have received an apology from the actor who portrays Lady Enid, who was evidently “tweeting” her feelings about the breakup of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. We would like to further extend our regrets to the famous couple, who we really believed had a shot, were it not for the cutthroat tabloid media and their excesses, not to mention the pressure of living in the public eye.

4. Tyresom sports a button on his left lapel in Season Three’s fifth episode that reads “Stop Fracking Now.” During filming, the producers believed that this was a historically accurate statement that condemned what they mistook for a colloquialism for “fornication.” In truth, fracking is indeed slang for Hydraulic Fracturing, which involves multiple fractures of rock layer by pressurized fluid as a means to access and release natural gas or petroleum.
     Fracking enthusiasts believe that once inaccessible hydrocarbons extracted through this activity create substantial financial benefits to oil companies and consumers. Those opposed to the process are quick to expose the ecological toll, including air pollution and groundwater contamination. (The producers of
Downtrodden Abbey
have taken no public position on this issue, and staunchly defend the rights of individual viewers to exercise and voice their own opinions.)

5. In Episode 3 of Season Two, astute viewers may notice that the chauffeur, Handsom, is driving a 2012 Kia Sedona Minivan. The producers regret this oversight, which again in no way reflects the economic challenges of mounting an expensive period drama. In their defense, they do firmly believe that
if
Handsom were to time-travel and be offered his choice of ground transport vehicles, Kia’s line of luxurious but affordable sedans, station wagons, SUVs, and minivans would be an obvious choice. Proud recipient of a five-star crash safety rating, the Sedona features a rear seat DVD entertainment system with wireless headsets and remote control—whatever your family needs for anything from a drive to school to a drive across the country. New thinking. New possibilities. Only from Kia.

6. Starting with Season Two, O’Grotten occasionally expresses her irritation and disappointment by employing the phrase “Whatevs.” “Whatevs” is a shortened form of the colloquialism “Whatever,” which is meant to convey these thoughts:
Whatever you say, I don’t care what you say,
or
I do not think what you are saying is relevant
. It was popularized in California’s San Fernando Valley in the 1980s, and—though there is no evidence—the likelihood is slim that “Whatevs” was used regularly during the Edwardian Age.

7. While Flora is an American character, her tendency to hum the theme song from
Gilligan’s Island
while in the bath is unsupported by period research.
Gilligan’s Island
aired on the CBS television network from 1964 to 1967. To this day, the debate rages on amongst American males as to who was more attractive, Ginger or Mary Ann. It is unlikely to be resolved anytime soon, and the producers of
Downtrodden Abbey
are divided in their opinions. While no one would argue that Ginger is an alluring sexpot, Mary Ann has the fresh-faced enthusiasm of the proverbial “girl next door.”

8. Mr. Brace’s self-diagnosis of restless leg syndrome is simply a load of crap, as is Nana’s claim that she suffers from Epstein-Barr virus. Certainly didn’t stop them from meeting up regularly and canoodling behind the stable, did it?