Downtrodden Abbey: The Interminable Saga of an Insufferable Family (18 page)

9. In the Arbor Day episode, Fodder’s suggestion that the residents of Downtrodden Abbey participate in “a lively game of Quidditch” is a blatant attempt to cash in on the success of J. K. Rowling’s Harry Potter books.

BIBLIOGRAPHY

Pardon Me, But Your Finger Is in My Nostril: A Guide to Edwardian Etiquette,
Devon Cornpipe, Stuffed Veal Breast Publications, 1932.

“
This Scullery Is Bloody Filthy” and Other Thoughts of a Working Maid,
Elizabeth Corset-Stretching, Regurgitation Books, 1928.

The Tramp’s Tramps: The Love Life of Charlie Chaplin,
Leonard Malted-Milkball, Skidmark University Press, 1983.

Oh, Fork it! The Ultimate Cutlery Book,
Randolph Puckstone, Flying Wombat/Sulking Panda Books, 1951.

Cooking Blind: Recipes and Safety Tips,
Finola Gardenshears, No Such Thing as Bad Press, 1947.

The Oxford Encyclopaedia of Prosthetic Limbs,
Spartacus Futon III, Bench Press, 1862.

Backwards, March! A History of Meaningless British Protests Over Trivial Issues,
Bryce Cottonmouth, Thunderous Wind Publications, 1968.

If the King Had Balls…,
Alexandra Sickbed-Colitis, Kornhauser Books, 1991.

I Find Virtually Everything Unacceptable, Distasteful, Unsatisfactory, or Revolting: The Diary of a Dowager Countess,
Dowager Countess Judith Deertick-Van Diesel, Unread Books, 1924.

Pantywaists and Punjabs: The Sexual Politics of England and India,
text by Winston Salem, illustrations by Virginia Slims, Hardcourt & Tweezers, 1957.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I must take this opportunity to thank the individuals who made it possible to produce this volume is such a timely and efficient manner, as well as those who have strongly intimated that they should be mentioned, and the few who have already prepared to begin legal proceedings lest I cite them as valuable, indispensible participants.

First and foremost, I would like to thank my editor, Regina Muddpak, who inspired me when I was anxious or procrastinating by making herself completely unavailable. This unusual strategy motivated me to push on with writing even as I continued calling her, emailing her, and privately wondering if she had entered the Witness Protection Program. My thanks for the silent support. Regina’s assistant, Scott Feathers, took full advantage of her absence with his own lack of visibility or efficiency. I believe a full editor position is in his future.

My research assistant, Alexander Cranberry, proved to be an indispensible resource on the subject of Edwardian manners, despite an ironic personal void in that department. Every time I see a dirty dish left on a desk, a water stain or cigarette burn on a piece of expensive furniture, or the contents of an unflushed commode, I will see Alexander’s face. And flush that toilet with gusto.

The designer of this book, Florinda Mallard-Carkas, inadvertently served as the descendant of
Downtrodden Abbey
’s legally blind chef, Mrs. Patmimore. Enough said, I believe.

Marcus Robertson is a literary agent for the ages—and the aged. I have been waiting for him to retire for decades, but at the ripe age of ninety-seven, he is still going strong(ish). Marcus’s hearing aid evidently was acting up during negotiations with the publisher, and he ended up getting me considerably less money for this book than originally estimated. I hope he is able to hear the proceedings when I begin my litigation against him.

Many of you may have read that my long-term marriage to Clarabelle Winchester took its toll during the extraordinary journey that led to this book’s publication. However, I would like to clear up some of the rumours that have emerged in the tabloids on this subject:

1. Clarabelle’s comments in the
Daily Mail
that I am a “lonely, tortured megalomaniac” with “a severe personality disorder” and “incapable of giving or returning affection” were, I believe, taken out of context. Keep in mind that this is a woman who has been medicated since the age of eleven.

2. In any event, who is she to talk? I pay for tennis lessons, and she ends up going away for a weekend to a “tournament” with her instructor? Tell me that isn’t a bald-faced violation of the sacred contract of marriage.

3. I am not, nor have ever been, a cross-dresser. I did happen to attend a party celebrating the opening of the Meryl Streep film
The Iron Lady,
for which I was informed that the attendees were requested to be costumed as Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher. I have reason to believe that Clarabelle not only put me up to this reprehensible stunt, but made sure that there was extensive cell phone photography and video coverage of my entrance.

4. Not to engage in petty mudslinging, but anyone with Google Images can see that Clarabelle’s weight has really ballooned since she left me. Save some ice cream for the rest of the world, Toots!

5. Anyone interested in taking tennis lessons should by all means avoid engaging the services of Brian Winslow. He has a 3.5 player rating, at best, and has never made the finals of any significant British tournaments. Your local club will be happy to furnish you with a list of tennis pros in your area, one of whom will undoubtably fit your needs.

Lastly, I would like to thank the men and women who lived and worked at Lowdownne Castle, which served as the inspiration for
Downtrodden Abbey
. As a child, I was fascinated by the stories I would hear about the class struggles, affairs, jealousy, deception, illegal abortions, murder, and bad food that pervaded early twentieth-century England.

Later, I thought it might make for a delightful and entertaining diversion. It is my fervent wish that you, the reader, agree.

Gillian Fetlocks
December, 2013

INDEX

Birds, calling, 4

Brac, bric-a-, 57

Britches, difference between knickers and, 35

Dancing, Ladies, 9

Did It, The Butler, 58

Doves, turtle, 2

Downstairs, Upstairs, 61

Drumming, Drummers, 12

Grey, Earl, 45; obsession with Lady Bergamot’s perfume, 78

Guttenberg, the, Bible, 41; Steve, 56

Heinz, varieties, 57

Hens, French, 3

Herring, Pickled, is there anyone who actually eats this?, 31

Haddock, not tonight, I have a, 63

Hooligans, Damned, 24; get off my lawn, you, 72

Hill, Sam, 71; for the love of, 82

Howard’s End,
24; his front, 45; his middle, 78

Index, you are reading it, you moron, 110

It, that’s my story and I am sticking to, 65

Knickers, difference between britches and, 35

Laying, geese a-, 6

Leaping, Lords a-, 10

Lemons, used as contraceptive devices, 70; used for sweet summertime beverages, 82; used as both (
ecch
) 84; used cars, 93; when life gives you, 96; misspelling of actor Jack’s last name, 102

Loafers, light in the, 47

Love, the look of, is in your eyes, 12; all you need is, 42; in tennis zero is also known as, 50

Mary Ann, Ginger or, 67

Matter, fecal, 37; what’s the, 89

Men, angry, 12

Milking, maids a-, 8

Muff, fur, not what it sounds like, 73

Mutton, the most unappetizing name for food is, 41

Panties, edible, 22; women’s aversion to the word, 53

Party, birthday, 12; dinner, 14; hunting, 35; Labour, 44; it’s my, and I’ll cry if I want to, 63

Pete, for the love of, 68

Petrol, passing, 35; British name for gas, 67

Piggledy, higgledy-, 28

Piping, pipers, 11

Poultry, also quite an unappetizing word, 23

Rings, golden, 5

Sister, oh yeah? And so’s your, 55

Swimming, swans a-, 7

Tarnation, what in?, 52

Tea, and sympathy, 34; for two, 65; shirt, 86; square, 89

Two of us, then that makes, 39

Valet, personal, 23; San Fernando, 66

Victoria, Queen, 11; often mistaken for a man, 34

Waists, Panty, 77

Wife, fish, 31; Not with mine you don’t!, 54

War, “The Great One,” 12; “The Good One,” 17; The “Decent One,” 43; “The Fair One,” 61; “The One That Definitely Could Have Been Better,” 65; “The Lousy One,” 87; “Oh,
That
One? We Really Don’t Talk About That One,” 91

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Gillian Fetlocks
is the latest pseudonym for Billy Frolick, whose bestselling parodies include
The Ditches of Edison County
(as Ronald Richard Roberts),
The Philistine Prophecy
(as McCoy Hatfield), and
The Five People You Meet in Hell
(as Rich Pablum). His screenwriting credits include DreamWorks Animation’s
Madagascar,
which has spawned two sequels, a stage production, a television series, and a line of Pez dispensers.

Frolick’s writing has appeared in
The New Yorker,
Salon.com
, and
The Los Angeles Times.
He is at work on a novel about a man who gets younger with each successive romantic encounter, tentatively titled
Fifty Shades of Dorian Gray.

This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, organizations, and events portrayed in this novel are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously.

THOMAS DUNNE BOOKS.

An imprint of St. Martin’s Press.

DOWNTRODDEN ABBEY.
Copyright © 2013 by Billy Frolick. All rights reserved. For information, address St. Martin’s Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.

www.thomasdunnebooks.com

www.stmartins.com

Cover design by Young Jin Lim

Cover photo-illustration by Steve Gardner/PixelWorks Studio, Inc.

The Library of Congress has cataloged the print edition as follows:

Fetlocks, Gillian.

    Downtrodden Abbey: the interminable saga of an insufferable family / Gillian Fetlocks.—First edition.

          pp. cm.

    Includes bibliographical references and index.

    ISBN 978-1-250-03123-5 (hardcover)

    ISBN 978-1-250-03124-2 (e-book)

  1.  Downton Abbey (Television program)—Parodies, imitations, etc.   2.  Upper class—England—Social life and customs—20th century—Fiction.   3.  Household employees—Great Britain—Social life and customs—20th century—Fiction.   I.  Title.

    PR6106.E85D69 2013

    823'.92—dc23

2013023820

e-ISBN 9781250031242

First Edition: December 2013