Dreams Ltd (58 page)

And now it was so close - this minute, and I felt no joy and no enthusiasm. Only fear – fear of not being able to see those grey eyes again. I didn’t want Klendon-City without them.

“No, Hulk, I don’t want to! I feel great being here with you.”

“You will go.” He cut me off and the shadow ran across his face.

So unusual... as though the world is crashing down on me...

I couldn’t say anything, feeling cold.

“I put a lot of thinking into this and I‘ve come to the conclusion that it will be better if you return.”

“Better for whom?” I exploded.

“For you.”

“But I want to be with you!”

“You will be.” He finished the whisky in one gulp and winced, “I’ll find a way to get out of here and I will be with you. But for now, I want you to live in a normal place, amongst normal people and do whatever you like to do.”

“But Hulk...” Although I felt a little bit better knowing that I wasn’t going to be dumped, but it still was very heavy on my heart, “Can we think of something together?”

“No, Shereen. I knew that I'd send you back before we got into this relationship. This is not the right place for you; I will feel much more relaxed, knowing that you are at home, safe and sound. And you will do what I say without any further discussion.”

I was just opening and closing my mouth, still unable to recover from the shock - I won’t be seeing him any time soon. An unfamiliar tough expression on Hulk’s face reminded me that he wasn’t a fluffy cat sitting in the chair, but someone capable of coming up with some inadequate and not always understandable solutions.

But why? Why would he send me away and what does it mean?

I suddenly realised that I was about to get hysterical. Even though it wasn’t the state of mind I was used to, the powerful wave of fear was on its way to me.

And instead of being logical and responsible, I just jumped from my seat and ran towards the door, intending to get out of here as soon as possible. He can’t see me in this state! How terrible! What a load of nonsense.... How could everything turn out this way? I can’t go to the damn Klendon-City now! The only thing I wanted was to burst into tears.

I was on my way out of the room, when strong hands gripped my shoulders and dragged me back into the office.

“I don’t want! I don’t want to go back!” I was shouting, trying to escape from the steel grip, “You just don’t love me, that’s why...”

Hulk abruptly and even roughly threw me back onto the couch, and as soon as my bottom touched the cushion, something white blazed in his eyes - a bright light penetrated deep into my brain, and although I did not lose my vision, I was now sat in silence, because any ability to move, completely disappeared and my mind became soft and stringy; almost calm. However, it was a false calmness, somehow I knew that this calmness was inflicted on me with a force, but in fact, the emotional fire was still raging in the centre of my brain.

Hulk was standing opposite me, breathing heavily and looking irritated. His eyes were still lightly glowing with the white light and this sight was absolutely fascinating - his broad chest was rising and coming down, and his chin lowered as he was staring at me silently.

As I’d completely realised that I could not move anymore, I drooped. I just gave up and understood that I’d lost the game. Whatever he decides now, I won’t be able to either argue about it or to change it. If he doesn’t want to see me, I’ll go away. If it appeals to him to speak to a piece of jelly that can’t utter a word or even nod, so be it.

For the first time in my life he hurt me deeply - just because he deprived me of any ability to participate in our dialog. And now, to be honest, I no longer cared about what he was going to say. The only part of my body that was still able to move was my eyes and I looked aside, avoiding his face that was so dear to me.

“Look at me.” He demanded quietly.

I did as he said, hoping that there was enough of disdain in my stare and trying to figure out if I could still burst into tears as I really wanted.

“Tonight, a track with the berry crop, which I export to the outer world, will depart from the warehouse. You’ll be in one of the boxes. All of your possessions will be put into a bag and given to you, as well as a credit card. I will be transferring enough money on it every month, so you have everything you need should you decide not to go back to work.”

If I could spit in his face, everything I was thinking after his words would sound something like You, freaky bastard, you can put your money where the sun doesn’t shine! If you don’t want to see me, then I don’t need your charity! You didn’t even let me say good-bye to anybody properly!

But, of course, I didn’t say any of it out loud.

Hulk was quiet as well. I was incredibly angry with him, but yet I saw how tough it was for him to say those sentences. As if overcoming some inner pain, he continued, “Your documents and your name will remain the same, since you entered Tally under the false documents and the Commission has no real claims to you. You will disappear from this place as if you’d never been here.”

If I could I would’ve turned away right now.

As if I’d never been here - right! And as if I’d never met Hulk, never spent nights with him, never found my other half.

Feeling desperate, I sent Hulk a look Why are you doing this to us? You are my man, so why does everything have to be so harsh? And to my surprise, Hulk understood everything I was trying to tell him (bloody Sensor he is - I almost forgot about that), he stepped forward and kneeled down in front of me. Before he said anything, he was staring at me for almost a minute.

“Please forgive me for using such extreme measures. I wish I could spend another night with you, give you a chance to say your farewells properly, let myself enjoy every inch of your skin and hold you on my lap till the dawn, but God knows, I couldn’t let you go after that. I just couldn’t.”

I wasn’t looking in his eyes. I was looking at the curtains moving lightly from the wind, blowing from the red mountains and tears were cascading down my cheeks. So I was still able to cry. It would be much easier to live with anger and wrath, than with realisation that someone you had to leave behind still loves you, but Hulk wasn’t letting me go with anger, and I almost hated him for that. He didn’t let me think that I was just thrown away, which I could get over with time. But how could I ever forget someone who loved me more than life itself?

I knew that Hulk loved me. Loved me more than anything else in the world and therefore wanted me to go. I didn’t want to understand his motivation, but yet I did.

“I will come for you wherever you will be.” He said quietly, “And I’ll give you the life I always wanted you to have. I’m your man and I will always be by your side.”

I couldn’t contain myself any longer and looked up at him. And I drowned in the eyes. I loved him so much, it hurt, I wanted to hold him, get lost in his arms.

But he was right. If I touch him I’ll never be able to detach myself from his body, and so, could I really blame him for restraining my body from moving and speaking?

No, once again, he was right.

He was such a strong, attractive, dear and loved man. At this very moment I hated my love for being so painfully strong, and because of it I couldn’t help myself to feel better or prevent our separation. His eyes were hypnotizing...

“And never ever tell me that I don’t love you, Shereen. God knows, I didn’t know that I could feel what I feel now. And if I have to, I’ll make you forget everything in the world except for my love for you.”

Then he kissed me. And that was the longest and the most tender kiss that my memory kept ever after.

Once the kiss was over, Hulk’s gentle wave of his hand made my world slip into darkness.

Rain drops were falling on my face; grey mist hung in the air.

The trees still had the green foliage - August had just replaced a hot July and soon the leaves would turn into orange-yellow. Yes, soon, but not yet.

Now the rain was falling down - it felt as desirable as it did unusual.

The drops were pouring down my face and my light raincoat, pounding on the pavement, and drowning in overflowing puddles. Music was coming from around the corner; cars were spluttering a myriad of splashes with their wheels, but I was barely noticing that, staring at a bright flickering screen was a showing for the advertisement of Dreams Ltd for the umpteenth time.

We will fulfil your heart's every desire - the sweet lines of the text were repeating again and again for those who wished to change their lives for better (which was doubtful for me now). Just pick up the phone and dial the number – it’s that simple. We will take care of the rest!

Yep. They definitely will.

It seemed that within the last hour, I watched this ad no less than a thousand times. It seemed to have hypnotised me, plunging me into a strange calmness that reminded me of something familiar, but very distant. Dusk was falling upon the city and low clouds were immersing the streets into even deeper darkness. In thirty-forty minutes the street lights will be switched on. Wet displays were flashing with bright colours and neon signs, telling everyone about some big discounts and there were different people walking around me. They were smiling and free, rushing home from work, to the shops, to visit friends... normal people in a normal world.

My wrist was free from the burden of the bracelet and there were no red mountains on the horizon. I slowly moved my head and looked at the road - some grey, blue, red, green, yellow and white cars. People here could allow themselves to choose any colour for their vehicle. In every one of these cars people were going somewhere, thinking about business, everyday troubles, or maybe, something nice. They were thinking what to cook for dinner, what to wear tomorrow, what their beloved would say about the forgotten anniversary, who else they should call this evening, or what to watch on TV when it’s time to relax their backsides on soft couches.

What could be more normal than rain in the early autumn, the cars driving by and the lights of the big city starting to glow? But this normality has suddenly become alien to me. I wasn’t looking at people and I wasn’t listening to their conversations.

Standing on the pavement not far from my home, I couldn’t force myself to move. Where should I go and why? And why do I call this flat “home”? How did it happen that some time ago I was used to living in this place? Why can’t I fit into the space that doesn’t smell of heat and is not saturated with the aroma of the pollen of the flowers growing on the fields?

The world surrounding me now was huge, almost endless in size, but, strangely enough, for the third day in a row I couldn’t find my place in it. I could walk anywhere, get a taxi, travel by train, talk to anyone, but instead of doing all of that, I felt like an alien who doesn’t know where they’d come from and where they should go. An alien with no spirit and completely lost.

Something wasn’t right.

Perhaps, three months ago it was ok for me to stand on the corner, thinking which pastry I wanted to buy on the way home, about growing sales and expanding the shop or what else I could do to help Alex to return...

Now I didn’t give a damn about Alex; as well my shop; and this city and all of those who were passing me by. My heart would howl and sink every time I thought about the one I loved who was now in a place which I once was so desperate to leave.

Life could be more ironic and tough sometimes.

One way or another, it always gives you everything you ever dreamed of, but it will pick its own, very specific time for it. And often, as it happens, it will present you with your dreams when you expect least of all.

Why is it like that? Everything had changed so quickly and out of the blue.

One light gesture, one decision, one word and the truck is taking you through the night in an unknown direction in order to provide you with the no longer desired freedom. Freedom from what? From the one you loved more than your life? From your own happiness? From the place where you, funnily enough, decided to stay?

Hulk, did you really think I’d be dancing from joy, standing on these wet streets, while the wind of freedom blows in my face with the swollen from the tears eyes? Did he really think that all the money and entertainment that’s suddenly became available, could fill the emptiness in my heart?