Dumfries (44 page)

  “Ah think whit Snappy wis saying earlier wis that we don’t like boring quizzes, bit we don’t mind a wee bit ae competition every noo and again,” Gucci slung in, looking across at the Carntyne/Garthamlock and Barlanark boys, whose eyes aw lit up like pen torches.

  “Ah cannae bloody believe the hijacking that’s gaun oan in this room, so Ah cannae,” The Chief growled in disbelief, o’er the heids ae the YOs, tae the two screws sitting beyond the circle.

  “What did you have in mind, Anthony,” Father Leonard asked Gucci.

  “Ah don’t know, bit no somewan sitting throwing questions at us, expecting a response, as if we’re a bunch ae seals waiting fur a sardine tae be slung overboard.”

  “Well, how else wid ye conduct it then, Big Man?” The Chief challenged him.

  “How aboot spicing things up by hivving something a bit mair interesting, insteid ae us aw hivving tae sit here and dae whit you want us tae dae?” Johnboy Taylor challenged him.

  Aw eyes wur noo oan The Chief.

  “Fur example?”

  “Er, Ah don’t know…how aboot…something like how you, somehow, despite the odds, managed tae become a Chief Officer then?”

  “Eh?”

  Aw heids swivelled fae Taylor back tae The Chief and a big grin appeared oan Father Leonard’s coupon.

  “Ah said, how…”

  “Ah heard whit ye said, Taylor, bit whit’s that goat tae dae wae anything?”

  “Well, ye must’ve been asked a few interesting questions during yer interview?”

  “So?”

  “So, why don’t ye write doon the questions ye wur asked at yer interview…remembering tae write doon yer answers…put it in a sealed envelope, witnessed by Fanny or Father Leonard and then ask us the same questions.  Seems simple enough tae me,” Tony Gucci volunteered.

  “Kin ye hear the cheek we hiv tae put up wae in here?” The Chief tut-tutted o’er tae Fanny and Father Leonard, before turning tae Gucci again and asking him, “Whit the hell his aw this goat tae dae wae a quiz, eh?”

  “We could then split up intae groups and report back whit we’ve come up wae, and you being the main man…the master ae ceremonies an aw that…you kin decide whit group is the winner,” Taylor added.

  “Bit, no furgetting tae tell us whit your answers wur at yer interview,” Snappy Johnston chipped in, as everywan nodded, laughing, laying doon the challenge tae The Chief.

  “Fanny?  Father Leonard?” The Quizmaster asked them, looking perplexed and wondering if this wis part ae some undermining master plan by the YOs that he hidnae sussed oot yet.

  “Sounds good to me, Chief,” Father Leonard replied.

  Silence.

  “Right, we’ll hiv a five-minute confab, while Ah discuss it wae Mrs Flaw and Father Leonard.  In the meantime, help yersels tae the tea, bit remember tae leave some fur us,” The Chief warned them, as Fanny and the priest retired tae a corner ae the room wae him.

  “Ah hivnae a bloody clue whit’s gaun oan here, Father, hiv you?” The Chief asked him.

  “Why, Chief Baker, this is truly very interesting.  We couldn’t have hoped for a better outcome.  When was the last time any of us ever had the opportunity to engage with a group of YOs like this?  The fact that they’re participating is really quite something.”

  “Aye, bit oan whose terms, that’s whit Ah want tae know?  It certainly isnae oan oors, fae where Ah’m sitting, that’s fur sure.  That Gucci wan…Ah knew he’d be bloody trouble, so Ah did.” The Chief retorted, sounding unsure ae himsel, looking at Fanny and clearly unhappy wae the turn ae events.

  “Chief, I agree with what Father Leonard has just said.  I know you’ve had years of experience in working with prisoners, and can read them like a book…” Fanny hauf whimpered, using that auld chestnut called flattery. “…but believe me, in the three years that I’ve been working in Dumfries YOI, there is not one YO in this room, who has ever voluntarily spoken to me…not one.”

  “Aye, Ah hear whit ye’re saying, Fanny, bit believe you me, hen, they’re up tae nae good, so they ur,” The Quizmaster replied, the tone ae his voice clearly softening.  “Ah don’t want youse tae take this the wrang way, bit these scum ur no tae be trusted, especially Gucci, McKinnon and Grant.  Ah’m jist no sure we should be gaun where they’re leading us, so Ah’m no.  We need tae keep control.”

  “As a matter of interest, Chief, what types of questions were you asked at interview anyway?” Fanny asked him, trying tae deflect him away fae the stream ae negativity that wis seeping oot ae him.

  “Ur ye serious?”

  “Yes,” baith Fanny and the priest replied thegither, looking at him.

  “Ah kin assure ye, it wisnae that straightforward, so it wisnae.  Ah must admit though, at ma interview, Ah thought they wur taking the pis…er…trying tae make a fool ae me.  Ah’m still no sure whit the interview panel wur efter or up tae at the time, bit Ah still managed tae get the job at the end ae it,” The Chief said, efter scratching his heid and explaining the process.

“Correct me if I’m wrong, Chief,” Father Leonard said, “but what they were doing was setting you a challenging task to observe and ascertain how you’d resolve a difficult and tricky situation, that they’d placed you in.  I read in The Resurrection once, The Vatican’s biggest selling magazine, that The Vatican applies a similar approach when appointing bishops.  Seemingly, that’s what a lot of the big corporations in America do when hiring their top executives now,” the priest unashamedly hit him wae, as The Chief visibly puffed oot that barrel chest ae his, jist aboot fainting wae aw that executive material recognition that wis being scattered aboot like confetti.

  “The panel must have been quite impressed by your response, Chief,” Fanny cooed, looking impressed, hating hersel fur using her femininity tae charm him roond.

“Aye, well…” The Chief said, coughing bashfully, jist managing tae get an extra inch, before the buttons oan the front ae his uniform jaicket went flying.

“Look, Chief, why don’t we see where this leads us?  It’s still a quiz as far as I can see.  To be frank, I’m actually quite enjoying it myself.  Thanks to you both, this has been the best morning I’ve spent in here in a long time,” Father Leonard added encouragingly, singing aff the same hymn sheet as Fanny.

“I know that it would give me…us…a helpful insight into how these particular YOs interact with each other…being able to observe the dynamics in a group situation…how they come up with answers to challenging questions.,” Fanny cooed, emphasising the challenging questions bit.  “Look at who we have in the room, Chief?  These are supposed to be the most violent and non-rehabilitate-able young offenders in the country.  When will we ever have the opportunity to observe how gang members operate in a group?  We didn’t even have to split them into groups, they all did that automatically by themselves,” Fanny pleaded tae The Chief, as the three ae them looked across at the YOs huddled in their tribal groups.

  “Dae ye think so?  Ye don’t think they’re up tae something then?”

  “Why don’t we go for it…see what they come up with?” Fanny pleaded. “I had my first meeting with Mr Kyle and Mr Bing, the researchers from Stirling University, who’ve been commissioned by The Department to address the issue of dangerous prisoners being released into communities without post-release supervision yesterday.  I may be able to glean relevant data that could be helpful for their task.”

  “Father?”

  “I agree with Fanny. There are some quite interesting young minds in this room.”

  “Aye, okay, ye’ve convinced me.  Right, here’s whit we’ll dae…” The Chief said, keeping his voice doon, glancing back o’er his shoulders and choosing tae ignore Johnston bating SO Dick and Mr Hamilton.

  “Right, listen up noo.  Here’s how it’s gonnae work.  Ah’m gonnae read oot three questions and youse aw hiv thirty minutes tae answer them.  Ye kin stay in the same groups where ye’re sitting, if ye want, bit there cannae be mair than five groups, so ye’ll aw hiv tae sort yersels oot.  Efter twenty five minutes, Ah’ll gie youse a five minute warning that yer time’s nearly up.  Somewan fae each group will feed back yer answers.  Each group will hiv a referee, who’ll note doon the key points ae interest and who’ll also stoap youse fae killing each other.  Depending oan the number ae groups, the referees will be Father Leonard, Mrs Flaw, SO Dick and Mr Hamilton, wae me being the master ae ceremonies.  If there ur five groups, then Ah’ll take wan as well.  Hiv youse aw goat that?” The Chief asked, as Dickheid Dick and The Tormentor looked surprised and shocked, clearly no expecting this turn ae events.  “Right then, here we go, so listen up.  Ah’ll no be repeating masel.  Ye’ve aw been stranded oan a tropical island, efter being shipwrecked.  Ye kin only take three things wae ye, which cannae include a gun, a knife or any other weapon that kin be deemed as offensive.  Ye cannae take a box ae matches or a fag lighter either.  Whit ye need tae dae is come up wae the three things ye’d want tae hiv oan the island tae survive, keeping in mind that ye might be there fur a while.”

  “Aye, well, Ah hope ye’ve goat yer answers awready written doon as well,” a YO scowled, reminding him.

  “Don’t ye worry aboot ma answers, son. Ah goat the job…remember?”

  Fanny approached her group, a feeling ae trepidation welling up fae the pit ae her stomach.  She could only hiv dreamed aboot the turn ae events that she noo found hersel part ae, bit noo that it wis happening, she wis a bundle ae nerves.  It hid been agreed that she wid sit wae the Springburn YOs.
 
This wis the first time she’d been near any ae Tony Gucci’s gang since her individual YO admission assessment meetings wae them, the previous year. Other than passing them in the corridors or sitting close tae them in the dining hall, they’d never spoken other than tae nod or say ‘hello’ in the passing in the corridors.  When she’d invited three ae them tae a parole review meeting recently tae discuss whether they’d qualify, only Pat McCabe hid responded positively.  As the parole process wis voluntary, Gucci and Johnston hidnae even acknowledged her request tae meet up wae them.  When the Stirling University researchers hid ootlined whit their aims wur, efter she’d campaigned tae hiv Dumfries included, it hid been the so-called Manky crowd fae Springburn that she’d hid in mind.

  “Well, it could’ve been worse, Ah suppose,” Snappy Johnston said, looking up and sniffing at her as he moved aside tae let her squeeze a chair in.

  “So, who’s yer money oan then, Johnboy?” Tony asked.

  “Well, other than us, ma money wid be oan the Carntyne/Garthamlock crowd,” he replied, as The Mankys turned and gied the opposition a quick wance o’er.

  “Ah don’t gie a shit who wins as long as it’s no they arse bandits fae Barlanark,” Snappy volunteered.

  “So, hiv youse aw sent oot yer visiting passes then?” Tony asked, changing the subject.

“Aye.”

  “His Pat goat his away as well?”

  “Aye, he wis speaking aboot it last night,” Johnboy said, looking tae see who wis sitting wae who, elsewhere in the room.

  “Why ur ye even getting involved in this conversation, Johnboy?  Ye don’t ever take up yer visits.”

  “So?”

  “So, whit’s the obvious answer we don’t want tae use.  Let’s get that wan oot ae the road first, and then we kin relax,” Tony suggested, butting-in and steering them back oan course.

  He looked across at Fanny, gieing her a wee nod tae acknowledge her presence fur the first time since she’d sat doon.

  “Ah’d say that it’s goat tae be a fishing rod,” Johnboy mused, shrugging his shoulders.

  “Eh?  And how dae ye make that oot then, knob-heid?  That’s the wan Ah wis gonnae put forward as wan ae oor main answers, so it wis.  Er, excuse the use ae language here, bit that’s whit ye get fur sitting wae a bunch ae uncultured reprobates like them,” Snappy said, apologising tae Fanny, before gieing Johnboy a withering look.

  “Because it’s jist so obvious, ya tit, ye, so we’re no using it,” Tony telt him, nodding across at Johnboy.

  “Er…I’m sorry boys…forgive me, but I don’t understand,” Fanny interrupted, conscious ae hearing her voice in amongst theirs, as the YOs looked at her, seemingly looking surprised that she actually might want tae say something.

  “Did any ae youse lug-in tae The Goon show oan the BBC last night?  Pure geniuses, so they ur,” Snappy said, mimicking Spike Milligan, ignoring Fanny’s interruption.

  “We don’t want tae come up wae anything that Napoleon, The Chief, wid’ve come up wae.  As Tony said…too obvious,” Johnboy explained, wae another shrug ae they shoulders ae his.

  “Napoleon?”

  “He wis the horrible heid pig in Animal Farm,” Snappy explained, as Fanny turned and glanced across at The Chief.

  “Y’know, I shouldn’t be saying this, but I’ve been wondering who The Chief reminded me of since his arrival in Dumfries, but now that you’ve mentioned it,” Fanny said, turning roond tae face them, as they looked at each other and grinned.

“Aye, it wid be hard tae tell them apart, so it wid,” Tony agreed.

  “I’m sorry, but can I ask why you would want to reject a fishing rod?  I personally think that it’s a brilliant answer,” Fanny asked, apologising, looking aroond the bemused faces staring back at her.

  “See?” Snappy scowled at them.

  “Oh, er, I’m sorry, I didn…”

  “And as fur you, Mr Magoo, see whit ye’ve started wae aw that ‘Whit’s a sociopath’ shite, eh?” Snappy scowled at Silent, still no happy that his fishing rod answer wis being tossed in the bucket.