Dying to Live (20 page)

15.

‘We all grieved. Mainly we did it as a family. We kept to ourselves on the RV for a few days after Lanie, Nanny and Kenco left us. The others were affected too. Frank and Xin in particular mourned for Dr Yuan and it hit them hard. We all had evening meals together but we didn’t really talk much. Xin was ploughing through all of the files on the USB drive, but she was struggling to make sense of it all. In the following week there wasn’t much that any of us could do except process our losses, monitor the zombies and keep an eye out for survivors heading our way. It turned out that our next ‘visitor’ wouldn’t be exactly what we expected.’

“I think I’ll be able to tell you everything that I’ve been able to ascertain from those files by tomorrow,” Xin stated over supper that night. Her face was drawn and tired, her eyes bleary from nights of broken sleep and days of coffee fuelled reading. She didn’t look hopeful when she told them. In fact on the contrary, she looked somewhat defeated. “It’s been hard going. There are so many code names and parts have been purposefully written in a way that an outsider will struggle to figure out.”

“It’s not good news then?” Pete asked her.

“What a change that will make,” Frank said sarcastically. He was sat in an armchair and no longer needed the box that his feet were propped up on. “First I fuck my ankle up, and then just as that’s getting better and the news is starting to show some semblance of truth, the TV channels stop broadcasting. You know it won’t be much longer before the water and electricity stops, don’t you?” He’d been beginning to worry about it a lot recently. The TV stations had been beginning to talk about body counts and the failed evacuation. Before they had vanished from the screen, there had even been mention of how widespread it was becoming. But if the news studios now sat abandoned, then power and water plants would surely be next and Frank had no idea how long those things could be left unmanned, if at all.

“Thank you for that, Frank. We all need a little more worry in our lives,” Fiona snapped.

“No, but he’s right,” Pete frowned. “Once we know where we stand, we can discuss how to move forward. Whether we stay here or move on.”

“It may be a difficult choice to make,” Xin sighed. ”There is one thing that is clear from what I’ve read so far. The buildings they worked in up there, the ones that relate to the undead and what they did to them, they have a security measure for instances like this. They ‘cleanse’ them... with fire. There will be nothing left up there.”

“So, we’ll need to move on from here at some point regardless?” Lucy asked.

“Well, that’s why it’s not so straight forward,” Xin said. She put down the fork she had been pushing aimlessly around a plate of food in her lap. She had little to no desire to eat these days. “There are still a lot of resources in the other departments here. Resources we wouldn’t have access to anywhere else. If we did move on, we would have trouble finding somewhere else that was this well equipped for all of our potential needs.”

“So, we’re still looking into a cure then?” Zack piped up.

Xin’s brow furrowed with frustration. She couldn’t go into it without having to explain everything that she’d read, but she wasn’t ready yet. She was tired and still had some last minute bits she needed to clarify. She wanted to know that she had it all straight in her own head before she attempted to get it all out in words for the others. Loss still weighed heavily on her shoulders and Xin couldn’t recall a time where she had felt quite as stressed as she did in that moment. She rubbed her forehead with both hands. “Again, it’s not that straight forward. Possibly, to some extent... It could be that...” She groaned. “I don’t know,” Xin replied. She hastily brought her hands down from her forehead to her eyes so that nobody would see the tears that sprang there. It was proving to be a difficult task for her without Bao. She missed him greatly and still felt a stab of guilt whenever she considered her last words with him.

“Xin?” Lucy asked tentatively, putting her own fork down. She could see Xin’s shoulders shaking with silent sobs. “C’mon, come outside with me for a second, Honey. You’ve been cooped up in here for days now, you need some air.”

Lucy got up and took Xin’s plate from her lap. Along with her own, she took it over to the kitchen counter and set them down. When she returned to the armchair that Xin was sat in, Xin allowed Lucy to guide her up and then outside into the cooling evening air. After Lucy had shut the door behind them, Xin gave in to her tears.

“Hey, come on now,” Lucy soothed, rushing to put her arm around her. “It’ll all be okay.” She stroked Xin’s hair and reassured her as she sniffed wetly.

“I’m sorry... I’m sorry,” Xin stuttered, as she tried to compose herself. ”It’s just... so m...much to take on, and without... Bao.” Her voice cracked upon saying his name and she fought hard not to burst into fresh sobs.

“Here,” Lucy said, pulling a tattered and crumpled cigarette packet from her pocket. “I’ve been saving these, since I quit, for a time when the stress got too much. I’d say that time is now.” She flipped open the almost empty packet and pulled out a cigarette, before offering one to Xin.

“I don’t...” Xin began to explain.

“You don’t smoke, I know,” Lucy chuckled. “I find it’s quite calming, though. Besides, in a world full of zombies, cancer is the least of our problems. We could all die tomorrow if things go badly. If cancer gets us thirty years from now then we’ve been very lucky.”

“I guess so,” Xin said. Feeling reckless, she took one. “What the hell.”

Lucy lit their cigarettes with an old lighter that took a few clicks to work. Xin spluttered with the first breath she inhaled, but after the second she felt a kind of rush go through her system. For a moment she was light headed, but when it passed she found that the measured breaths she took and the smoke she inhaled did seem to relax her.

Lucy closed her eyes when she drew in her first puff and let it out in a great sigh of appreciation.

“Three whole months since my last smoke... At least, it was. I guess I’ve lost track of how long we’ve been living like this. It could be closer to four months now,” Lucy told her.

“I don’t think it’s been a full month, has it?” Xin asked. “It seems only yesterday that Bao...” She’d meant to say since Bao had first told her not to carry on with her journey to America. When she thought about it though, it actually seemed a long time ago, and thinking of Bao as the man she knew before America hurt her deep inside. She didn’t finish the sentence.

“You miss him a lot, don’t you? Were you close?” Lucy asked, examining Xin’s face and watching as she inexpertly flicked ash from the smouldering white stick clutched between her shaking fingers.

“He was a mentor to me. He taught me a lot of what I know. I suppose in a way I loved him more than I knew.” Xin avoided Lucy’s eyes as she spoke, hoping she wouldn’t cry again.

“Did you two ever...?” Lucy thought better of what she was asking and said quickly, “Sorry, never mind.”

“No, it’s fine. We never saw each other romantically. He was more like a father figure. Although, I feel like our families would have approved of the match.” With this Xin managed a small chuckle. “I just feel so bad for snapping at him the last time we spoke.”

“He would have understood, Xin,” Lucy said, putting a hand on Xin’s shoulder. “It was a tough job and we all felt the pressure. Besides, he knew that he had a way of frustrating people just with how he spoke.”

“I know that you’re right.” Xin smiled at Lucy. “How’s Frank dealing with it? It shook him up pretty badly too, didn’t it?”

Lucy inhaled on the cigarette again. “Yeah, it did. I think that after flying him here and then when he got used to the old guy, that he was actually quite fond of him.”

“...And you’re quite fond of Frank?” Xin smiled tentatively.

Lucy laughed in response, an earnest and genuine laugh. “Yeah, I guess I am. And you’re quite fond of Pete.” Lucy wasn’t asking, it was just a statement.

Xin blushed but managed to laugh with her. “I suppose I am.”

“Come on,” Lucy said, still chuckling as she crushed out the cigarette. “Let’s get back inside.” As an afterthought she added, “Oh, and we must get round to that hair cut I promised you.”

“I’d forgotten about that,” Xin nodded, then stubbed her cigarette out too. The pair shared a hug before heading back inside.

When they stepped through the door, Fiona was washing up. Zack, Sam and Jo were playing with the children and Harry, Pete and Frank were sat at the monitors by the security window. The three of them looked up, then looked at each other sheepishly.

“Oh my god!” Lucy laughed. “You three were totally listening in on us, weren’t you?”

Not one of them confirmed or denied her accusation, but both Frank and Pete cracked up laughing when she walked up to Frank and swatted him around the head.

Xin blushed as she met Pete’s eyes, but he smiled back at her.

An hour later, the Ford family bade them goodnight and left. Pete insisted that Xin go to bed too, she couldn’t stop yawning and she was followed shortly by Harry and Lucy. Frank and Pete stayed up to take the first watch, playing cards in front of the monitors.

Xin fell into a deep sleep very quickly. Her dreams were flooded with the usual nightmares that bothered her every night. Swarms and swarms of clammy, grabbing hands and gnashing faces loomed all around her. She tossed and turned as she tried, in her dream, to escape the hordes of zombies.

For the first time since the nightmares had begun, though, something changed. The scene of terror faded away and the groaning died out. She was left standing on the dusty ground, just outside of the cabin that she knew she was asleep inside. She looked around, expecting an attack to come from somewhere. And then she saw it, a glint of white from the corner of her eye. When she looked again it wasn’t there. It had seemed to be some kind of glowing figure, standing almost where the track to the base started. As she squinted, trying to see it again, she heard what sounded like music. The music made her ears tingle and, as she strained to hear, a chant started to accompany it in her mind.

“Come outside, find me. Come outside, find me.”

Xin jolted in her bed. She did not fully awaken, but became aware that she was pushing her sheet aside and climbing from the bottom bunk. As if on auto pilot, her legs took her across the small interior and towards the door that led out into the night.

Pete looked up as he heard movement. When he spotted Xin walking slowly across the room, he nudged Frank and nodded towards her.

“Is she sleepwalking?” Frank whispered, puzzled.

“I don’t know...” Pete whispered back. Then, slightly louder, he called Xin’s name. She didn’t respond. As she came closer it was clear that her eyes were closed. Pete rose slowly from his seat.

“What are you doing?” Frank hissed. “Don’t wake her up!”

“What?” Pete said, turning to look at him. “I have to. She’s about to go outside.

“But... you should never wake a sleepwalker,” Frank told him in hushed tones.

“Alright, fine then.” Pete sighed and picked up his handgun. He thrust it into his waistband and made to follow Xin. “You keep an eye on the monitors. If there’s any sign of trouble heading this way, make sure you get out there fast enough to warn me.”

“You’re going to follow her?” Frank asked.

“Well obviously, someone has to,” He said, as Xin’s arm rose, reaching out for the door handle.

Xin stepped out into the night. The nip of cool dusk air roused her somewhat. Her eyes cracked open and for a while all she saw was blackness. She recognised the sound of someone following her through the door and was about to turn and look, when she heard the strange music again. She glimpsed the same blur of white that she had seen in the dream and, instead of turning around, she carried on in the direction of the glowing shape. The music chimed and tinkled, then once again morphed into a thought in her head.

“Won’t hurt you. Peace. No harm.”

The whiteness was still glinting some way off. She continued towards it and as she did so, some part of it seemed to reach out towards her in return. Behind her she heard a gasp and a thud. Whoever was following her had fallen to the ground. This should have panicked her, but she was lulled by the music and its peaceful message.

Approaching closer to the whiteness, its shape seemed to be flutter a little. Only, it wasn’t actually moving. Her eyes just had to adjust so as to focus on it. It appeared in a way similar to the things she examined under a microscope; foggy at first but, when she turned the dials, it was brought into focus and became clearer. Still in a state that was not far from sleep, with her eyes mostly shut, she couldn’t make out great details of the figure in front of her. However, she could make out that it was not human, nor a monstrous dead version of a human. The being in front of her was like nothing she had ever seen, nor anything she could ever have imagined. It didn’t seem to have the same solid structure as a human, but she couldn’t quite decide what made her think that. To all intents and purposes, its form was fairly normal. Two arms, two legs, one head, nothing crazy. Though, in a fascinating way, its skin seemed slightly translucent and had a phosphorescent quality; not quite white and faintly luminescent. There was definitely something about it that made Xin think of a jellyfish. The thought was somewhat ridiculous but she couldn’t shake it. It had eyes too, a little larger and much more rounded than humans but somehow not as distinct. Through her sleep, Xin realised,
its eyes are under a layer of its skin, that’s why it isn’t blinking
. It didn’t have ears, but her conclusion would be that they were also underneath its skin. She was amazed, as she watched and listened. If a human could ever meet God, she thought that it would feel like that very moment. A moment of complete awe.