e Squared

Table of Contents

 

 

 

MATT BEAUMONT has never worked in the advertising business and he has never met anyone who does. In fact, he has never even seen a single advert in his life. Not one! This novel is entirely made up.

 

He has a vaguely informative Web site:
LetsTalkAboutMe.com
.

PLUME

Published by the Penguin Group

Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, U.S.A. Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4P 2Y3 (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.) Penguin Books Ltd., 80 Strand, London WC2R ORL, England Penguin Ireland, 25 St. Stephen's Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd.) Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty. Ltd.) Penguin Books India Pvt. Ltd., 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi - 110 017, India Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Rosedale, North Shore 0632, New Zealand (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd.) Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty.) Ltd., 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa

 

Penguin Books Ltd., Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

 

Published by Plume, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. Previously published in Great Britain by Bantam Press, an imprint of Transworld Publishers.

 

First American Printing, February 2010

Copyright © Matt Beaumont, 2010

All rights reserved

 

REGISTERED TRADEMARK—MARCA REGISTRADA

 

CIP data is available.

ISBN : 978-1-101-19558-1

 

 

Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

 

PUBLISHER'S NOTE

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

 

The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book via the Internet or via any other means without the permission of the publisher is illegal and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials. Your support of the author's rights is appreciated.

 

BOOKS ARE AVAILABLE AT QUANTITY DISCOUNTS WHEN USED TO PROMOTE PRODUCTS OR SERVICES. FOR INFORMATION PLEASE WRITE TO PREMIUM MARKETING DIVISION, PENGUIN GROUP (USA) INC., 375 HUDSON STREET, NEW YORK, NEW YORK 10014.

This story is dedicated to the memories of Adam Theokritoff and Mick Devito.

From:
Janice Crutton

To: Beverly Crutton, Sarah Franks, Geraldine Crutton and 17 others...

Sent: 20 December 2008, 14.18

Subject: The Crutton Chronicles, Volume 8

 

Well, here we are again. Another year, another catalog of ups, downs and in-betweens. Mostly ups, it has to be said. It's been a good year chez Crutton. As is the custom in these circular missives, I'll take you through the highlights, though contrary to the norm, I'll try not to make my children sound too amazing.

 

Let's start with the head of the household. David has thrown himself into his new job with abandon. In fact, he's at the office now—he's slowing down a little these days, but he's still of the opinion that God was a slacker for taking Sunday off. As most of you know, he started as The Man (CEO in old speak) at Meerkat360 four months ago and he's enjoying himself immensely, though he's still uncomfortable referring to himself as The Man. And, if truth be told, he still chokes a little when he has to say Meerkat360 out loud. He's from an age when advertising agencies were named like accountancy firms rather than pop groups. And to conclude this subject, I think he'd really like to be allowed to call it an advertising agency (which it is! It does adverts) rather than a Thought Collective. But, bless him, he's adjusting to the new orthodoxy, the gist of which seems to be that there is no longer any orthodoxy.

 

He's thrilled that he managed to mark his first few weeks with a big assignment from Esmée Éloge to launch a raft of celeb perfumes. He led the pitch with all the gusto of old and, as a result, next Christmas you can expect in your festive hampers the alluring scents of Leona Lewis, Sienna Miller and Margaret Thatcher. No, I made that last one up!

 

One final note on David—test you fear this is turning into the DC Annual Report—he has managed to find the time to take up meditation. It really has transformed his outlook and he is sweetness and light personified.

[saved as draft]

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 20 December 2008, 14.27

Subject: It would be nice to know...

 

... that you're going to leave the office for long enough to put in an appearance this weekend. If you hadn't left at dawn this morning, I would have reminded you that we're supposed to be going to Kath and Graeme's tonight. Would you like to come and at least make a pretense of being a functioning couple?

 

By the way, I'm writing the annual Christmas letter. Anything in particular you want me to include?

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 20 December 2008, 14.30

Subject: Re: It would be nice to know...

 

I'll be there. Though if I have to listen once again to Graeme run through each and every one of the 3,452 stations on his digital radio (“which, with splendid irony, Dave, has been designed to look precisely like a fifties valve set!”), I will ball up his ironic fucking tank top and shove it down his ironic fucking throat.

 

Maybe you could have a word with Kath.

 

The family letter: nothing I want you to mention; plenty I don't. Meditation for one.

Jesus, I cannot go on like this.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Alex Sofroniou

Sent: 20 December 2008, 14.32

Subject: e-mail issues

 

As head of IT, your first job on Monday morning is to explain to me why every time I type my name at the foot of an e-mail, “The Man” appears in a typeface that wouldn't have been out of place in
Star Trek,
season 1.

 

Your second job is to make it stop.

 

The alternative is that I will have to stop signing e-mails. Which will make me seem rude. Which demonstrably I am not.

 

Thank you for your cooperation in this matter :-)

See?

Oh, for fuck's sake.

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: Beverly Crutton, Sarah Franks, Geraldine Crutton and 17 others ...