e Squared (10 page)

Subject: Re: Sorry. Again

 

Don't you think I'm concerned? Very bloody concerned. Have you thought about your options?

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.07

Subject: Re: Sorry. Again

 

I've thought about nothing else. Why do you think I'm going out of my mind?

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.08

Subject: Re: Sorry. Again

 

And?

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.10

Subject: Re: Sorry. Again

 

Oh, you want me to decide this all by myself? What do you think I should do, David?

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.12

Subject: Re: Sorry. Again

 

Well, you are forty-five.

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.13

Subject: Re: Sorry. Again

 

Excuse me, but what the fuck is that supposed to mean?

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Janice Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.17

Subject: Re: Sorry. Again

 

Nothing. Can't talk about this now. Client hovering outside.

 

From:
Janice Crutton

To: David Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.19

Subject: Re: Sorry. Again

 

Isn't there always? You deal with business and I'll just go mad by myself. I'm sure I can manage.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.20

Subject:

 

No calls.

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: David Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.21

Subject: Re:

 

No calls at all?

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.22

Subject: Re:

 

Do I have to spell everything out? No calls from Janice.

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: David Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.23

Subject: Re:

 

With you. But you'll take calls from other people?

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Dotty Podidra

Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.24

Subject: Re:

 

Use your judgment. You have that, don't you?

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Kazu Makino

Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.26

Subject: I'm free tonight ...

 

Are you? We could go for a drink and I could show you that we Brits are completely over the whole River Kwai thing.

 

Yours slightly pantingly—Liam

 

From:
Milton Keane

To: Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.27

Subject: let me take you away from all this

 

You mustn't let Liam upset you so much. He's just an unreconstructed “lad.” He's virtually bald too. And sooo
paunchy!
Looks at least forty-five—way too elderly for this place. Let's make it a long lunch—I'm sure TB can type his own e-mails for a couple of hours. Something carb-free (my diet!) and Carnaby St?

 

From:
Susi Judge-Davis-Gaultier

To: Milton Keane

Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.29

Subject: Re: let me take you away from all this

 

You're a lifesaver. Reception at one.

 

From:
Kazu Makino

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.33

Subject: Re: I'm free tonight ...

 

Some things you should know about me, Liam. I was born in Godalming and I hate sushi. My English is impeccable, my Japanese patchy. In short, I'm as British as you are, Paddy, and I get as patriotic as you probably do when I watch
Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence
(though I can't help going gooey when Ryuichi Sakamoto whips out his sword—it's the uniform plus the hint of mascara).

 

By the way, have you fallen out with your girlfriend? You only ever e-mail me when you've rowed.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Kazu Makino

Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.35

Subject: Re: I'm free tonight ...

 

What girlfriend?

 

From:
Kazu Makino

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 7 January 2009, 12.39

Subject: Re: I'm free tonight ...

 

I'm sorry and everything, but there's something else you should know about me: I don't do sympathy shags.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Brett Topolski

Sent: 7 January 2009, 13.07

Subject: runners ‘n' riders

 

Two possible wagers for the discerning gambler:

Your guidance, please.

 

From:
Kirsten Richardson

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 7 January 2009, 13.08

Subject:

 

Hi Liam. You're late for your cut. Do you still want it? I could be down the gym working on my thighs.

 

From:
Liam O'Keefe

To: Kirsten Richardson

Sent: 7 January 2009, 13.09

Subject: Re:

 

Don't move a (thigh) muscle. On my way.

 

From:
Brett Topolski

To: Liam O'Keefe

Sent: 7 January 2009, 13.15

Subject: Re: runners ‘n' riders

 

Another possibility:

 

From:
Ted Berry

To: David Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 13.16

Subject: Esmée Éloge

 

When were you going to debrief us on your triumph in Rotterdam?

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Ted Berry

Sent: 7 January 2009, 13.17

Subject: Re: Esmée Éloge

 

I think triumph is the right word. Still can't believe it myself. I doubt Gold would have had as much success with a list as bizarre as the one you gave me. I'm writing the contact report now.

 

From:
David Crutton

To: Caroline Zitter, Ted Berry, Donald Gold, Kazu Makino, Camille Brunel, Maurice Weber, Betina Tofting

Sent: 7 January 2009, 13.28

Subject: Esmée Éloge Contact Report

 

David Crutton apologized for the late start of the meeting. The Esmée Éloge group extended their best wishes to Donald Gold after his unfortunate experience at Stansted.

 

David Crutton went on to present the long list of celebrities for Project Red Carpet. Initially Camille Brunel expressed surprise, having briefed the agency to come up with names from the worlds of film and popular music—she cited Keira Knightley and the girl who used to stand in the middle in Destiny's Child as examples. David Crutton explained that consumers are tiring of the conventional take on the celebrity as brand and are ready for a postmodern approach.

 

After much discussion, Camille Brunel expressed approval of the list's boldness and audacity. She said that she would be prepared to commission qualitative research to gauge the limits of consumer acceptance. Betina Tofting asked who Kim Kardashian was. David Crutton thought she might be a Pussycat Doll, but he wasn't certain. The meeting adjourned while Betina Tofting Googled her.

 

A shortlist of eight celebrities was agreed:

 

It was further agreed that Meerkat360 would carry out additional creative refinement with a view to putting the shortlisted perfumes to focus groups at the beginning of March (action: Ted Berry).

 

The client remains committed to launching three new scents in time for Christmas 2009 and requested that steps be taken to sound out the shortlisted celebrities (action: David Crutton and Donald Gold).

 

The client thanked Meerkat360 for the work carried out to date. It was agreed to schedule a meeting in two weeks' time to review progress (action: Donald Gold). The meeting will take place in Rio de Janeiro, due to the client's attendance at Expo OLAD 09.

 

From:
Caroline Zitter

To: David Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 13.29

Subject: Out of Office AutoReply

 

I am out of the office attending Professor Derek Blundford's discussion of his book,
The Lemming Theory: Sales Techniques for the Countdown to Apocalypse.
I will return on Friday 9th January. If you have an urgent request please contact my assistant, Milton Keane, on
[email protected].

From:
David Crutton

To: Milton Keane

Sent: 7 January 2009, 13.32

Subject: your boss

 

As per the instruction in Caroline's AutoReply, I am contacting you, her no doubt thoroughly clued-up assistant. My urgent request: WHY THE SHITTING FUCK IS SHE OUT OF THE FUCKING BASTARD OFFICE AGAIN?

 

From:
Milton Keane

To: David Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 13.33

Subject: Out of Office AutoReply

 

I am out of the office introducing Mr. Turn to Ms. Lunch. I will be back at 3.30 pm. Apologies for any inconvenience.

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: Sally Wilton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 13.36

Subject: slight emergency

 

Could you get someone with a mop and bucket to come up to David's office please? There's been an accident with the French press. Not as bad as last time. Managed to save the kentia palm!

 

From:
Dotty Podidra

To: David Crutton

Sent: 7 January 2009, 13.42

Subject: afternoon schedule

 

Just a thought, but do you want me to see if Fabio can fit you in for a quick anger-management session later this afternoon? Or perhaps half an hour in the sensory-deprivation tank—it's supposed to be really soothing! If you don't reply, I'll take it as a no to both suggestions.