Earthling Ambassador (10 page)

Feeling somewhat dazed, Nicola looked around and saw that she was in a huge hall with high ceilings and endless rows of chairs. Almost every chair was taken and each person had a gift on their lap, a desperate expression on their face, and a small red number stamped on their forehead.The numbers made everybody look slightly silly, which was a pity when everyone had obviously dressed up especially to see the princess.

Actually
, thought Nicola,
I probably look even sillier, because the number must be huge on my small forehead
. She looked for the nearest free chair and realized she was going to have trouble climbing onto it because it was so high.

“You can use this as a step,” said the woman in the chair next to hers, and she put her brightly wrapped present on the floor for Nicola to stand on. “I'm not sure the princess will like it that much, anyway.”

“Thank you.” Nicola climbed onto the chair and saw that the woman had a familiar red flower tucked behind her ear.

“I think our aero-cars bumped into each other on the way here,” said Nicola.

“Oh, yes, that's right. I thought I recognized your face!” said the woman. “My name is Mrs. Gray. I'm pleased to meet you.”

“Nicola Berry,” said Nicola. “I'm pleased to meet you, too.”

“Do you mind my asking if you're an Earthling?” asked Mrs. Gray.

“Yes, I am.”

“I assume you're here to try to and convince the princess not to turn Earth into a giant garbage can.” Mrs. Gray shook her head. “I read about it in
Intergalactic Geographic.
I signed that petition lobbying the princess to reverse her decision. My husband and I went to Earth to celebrate our wedding anniversary. It was so romantic! So quaint and old-fashioned.”

“What are you seeing the princess about?” asked Nicola curiously.

“Oh,” sighed Mrs. Gray. “It's a long shot, I'm afraid.

I'm a math teacher, you see, at least I
was
a math teacher, but when the king and queen went on vacation, the first thing Princess Petronella did was make all math teaching illegal. She hates math, you see, which I just find extraordinary.When I was a young girl I was just
fascinated
by mathematics!”

“Mmm,” said Nicola, thinking that if she'd had the chance to outlaw math she might have taken it, too.

“I'm wearing this flower to show her that math teachers can be fun and a little funky, too!” Mrs. Gray tilted her head to show Nicola the flower behind her ear.

“What present do you have for her?” asked Nicola.

“It's a book called
The Joy of Mathematics,
” said Mrs. Gray. “Wouldn't you love to get a gift like that?”

Nicola was saved from having to answer when Mrs. Gray looked over Nicola's shoulder and said, “Watch out, young man!”

A fair-haired boy in a T-shirt and jeans was walking backward toward Nicola's chair without stopping. He bumped straight into Nicola's shoulder, nearly knocking her out of her seat.

“Sorry!” he said, sitting in the chair on Nicola's other side. He had the number 4949 stamped on his forehead.

“Why in the world were you walking backward?” asked Mrs. Gray in a rather snippy teacherish voice, while Nicola rubbed her shoulder.

“Because Princess Petronella made a new law last Wednesday,” said the boy. “All thirteen-year-old boys whose names begin with
A
have to walk backward everywhere they go until they turn fourteen. My name is Ardy and I'm thirteen, so unless I want to get thrown in jail, that's what I have to do. At first I thought walking backward everywhere was pretty cool, but I got sick of it after a couple of days, and I keep bumping into people. So I'm here to try to change Princess Petronella's mind.”

“Did you get her a present?” asked Nicola.

“Naaah,” said Ardy.“As you've probably noticed, I'm pretty good-looking, so I reckon she'll just fall in love with me and do whatever I want. A lot of girls are in love with me.”

“You're very vain,” said Nicola.

“Yeah, I'm pretty vain,” said Ardy in a self-satisfied way, while Mrs. Gray and Nicola secretly exchanged grins.

A buzzer went off and a computer-generated voice boomed through the hall, “Calling number 3956! Calling number 3956!”

An older couple with matching green spiky Mohawk hairstyles jumped to their feet and went toward a diamond archway with a sign reading PRINCESS THROUGH hErE.They dragged a pink pony with a bow tied around its middle behind them.

“They'll be trying to get the Green Mohawk law changed,” said Mrs. Gray. “The princess legislated that any couple with more than three children had to get their hair cut and colored into green Mohawks. It's not very seemly for middle-aged parents. Oh dear, I'm afraid the princess might like their pony a little more than my
Joy of Mathematics
book.”

Ardy snorted and said sarcastically, “That sounds like a real awesome book.”

“Math is very useful, young man,” said Mrs. Gray. “For example, I've been developing an algebraic equation to determine which number will be called next.”

“Have you worked it out?” asked Nicola.

“Not yet,” admitted Mrs. Gray. “It seems to be quite random. Oh good heavens, that was quick.”

The Mohawk-haired couple was coming back through the diamond archway, their shoulders slumped and minus the pink pony.

“Calling number 4948! Calling number 4948!”

Everybody craned their heads to see who was next and suddenly both Mrs. Gray and Ardy grabbed Nicola's arms and pointed at her forehead.

Nicola walked quickly through the diamond archway. She had a feeling the princess might be impatient and she didn't want to waste a single second of her appointment. Her hands were sticky with sweat, and the gift-wrapping around the globe stuck to her hands.

This is it,
she thought to herself, and was surprised to feel a cool, calm feeling drop onto her shoulders like a soft silk cloak. Everything was going to be okay.Yep, Nicola Berry was going to save the world.

She walked down a very long narrow hallway lined with pictures of the royal family.There was no time to stop and look, but she did notice that there was one girl about her own age who appeared in most of the pictures. She wasn't smiling in a single one.

At the end of the hallway there was another diamond archway, and Nicola could see a room with an imposing golden throne.There was a long red carpet leading up to it.

Nicola walked along the carpet toward the throne expecting to see the princess sitting in it, but as she got closer, she realized it was empty.

Now what? Where was the princess?

She looked around and saw that in the back corner of the room there was a big four-poster bed with gorgeous purple drapes. It was just the sort of bed that Nicola had always wanted.

She could hear a familiar tinny sound—what was it? For some reason it reminded her of her brother, Sean.

As she neared the bed, she worked it out. It was the sound of someone listening to very loud music through headphones. Sean had gotten an iPod for his last birthday and he spent hours sprawled on his bed listening to it.

Sure enough, there was a girl wearing a satin ball gown and headphones lying facedown on the bed.

It wasn't a very
regal
way for a princess to behave.

“Ahem,” Nicola coughed politely.

The girl didn't move.

“AHEM!” Nicola coughed again. “AHEM! AHEM! AHEM!”

She was almost choking from trying to cough so loud.

Nothing.

“Princess Petronella? Excuse me, PRINCESS PETRONELLA?”

Was this how the princess dealt with all her requests and complaints? She just lay on her bed, listening to music and ignoring them?

Nicola wasn't going to put up with that. She did exactly what she did to Sean whenever her mom told her to go and tell him that dinner was ready.

She grabbed the back of the princess's leg and squeezed, though admittedly not quite as hard as she squeezed Sean's leg.

“HUH?!”

The princess flipped over and sat up, pushing her headphones down to her shoulders.

“How DARE you!”

Of course she was very tall, but apart from that she looked like an ordinary girl. She had red curly hair done up in a bun, a silver tiara, about the same number of freckles as Nicola, and a sulky, turned-down mouth.

“I've got an appointment to see you,” explained Nicola.

“Do you KNOW who I AM?”

“Well, yes,” said Nicola. “You're Princess Petronella. My name is Nicola Berry. I'm the Earthling Ambassador. I'm here to discuss your decision to turn Earth into a giant intergalactic garbage can.”

“BORING!”The princess yawned without bothering to cover her mouth. She grabbed the gift from Nicola and tore off the paper.

“What's this? The last people got me a pink pony!”

“That's Earth,” said Nicola. “That's the planet you want to destroy.”

“BORING!”

She was the rudest person Nicola had ever met in her entire life.

“Well, it's not boring for us,” said Nicola. “How would you like it if somebody decided to turn
your
planet into a garbage can and you walked out of your front door to see garbage flying down like rain? Imagine having to move to Planet Bore because last time you tried looking up at the sky, somebody's old tea bag landed
SPLAT
on your face because that person had bad aim and missed the opening!”

“Ha!”The princess giggled. “That's funny. Go on.You're becoming more interesting now.”

“Have you ever been on a vacation to Earth?” asked Nicola.

“I go to much more interesting planets for my vacations,” sneered the princess.

“Well, Earth is a
phenomenal
planet!” said Nicola. She'd never really felt proud of her planet until now. She spun the globe for the princess as if she was trying to amuse Katie's little brother, who was two. “It's got everything—big countries, tiny countries, mountain ranges, deserts, oceans, and seas.” She wished she'd listened more in geography—there were probably lots of amazing things about Earth she was forgetting. She hoped the princess didn't ask her to explain latitude and longitude.

“What's an ocean?” asked the princess, stretching her legs out on the bed in front of her. “You're getting boring again.”

“It's like a gigantic beautiful swimming pool that stretches as far as you can see,” Nicola told her. “Oceans are salty and blue and the water goes up and down, so sometimes when you're swimming, you feel like you're on a roller coaster!”

“Huh.”The princess raised a nearly impressed eyebrow. “That sounds pretty good.”

Nicola's heart started to lift. She was going to convince her! She was going to do it! She was going to be a hero!

“So, could you please change your mind about making our planet into a garbage can?” she asked in her humblest, most polite voice. “It's just that if you did it, we'd all have to leave and there's no space on any of the other planets to take us and eventually we'd all die and that would be a terrible thing to have on your conscience.”

“Mmmmm.”The princess spun the globe around and then stopped it and tapped her fingers. Nicola noticed she was tapping them against the Indian Ocean.

“Well,
all right
,” said the princess. “I won't turn Earth into a garbage can.”

Nicola's knees wobbled with relief. She imagined how famous she would be when she got back to Earth. She'd probably have to do television interviews.There might be a public holiday every year on her birthday, just like the queen's. Maybe her face would appear on a postage stamp. She'd have to make sure she didn't let it go to her head. “I'm not a hero,” she'd say quietly. “I just did what anybody would do.”

“HA HA! GOTCHA!”

The princess was up on her knees on the four-poster bed pointing her finger at Nicola and laughing hysterically.

“I beg your pardon?” Nicola felt sick.

“I PLAYED THE BEST TRICK ON YOU!”The princess's pale face was pink with delight.

“You mean, you haven't changed your mind?” asked Nicola.

“Of course not! Why should I care about a stupid planet filled with stupid short people like you? I think it will make a perfect garbage can. And I don't care what happens to all of you because I don't HAVE a conscience!”

Nicola felt red-hot rage puffing out her body. If she got any angrier, she might pop.

With her fists clenched tight, she said, “This is
PREPOSTEROUS
! You can't do this!”

“Oh yes I can, Miss Big Words.”The princess pointed at her tiara. “I'm Princess Petronella, remember? I'm in charge of this planet, and if you don't like it, tough luck! Okay, time's up, you're dismissed.”

What would happen
, Nicola wondered,
if I slapped this awful girl right across the face?

“I wouldn't even think about it, if I were you.”The princess narrowed her eyes.

“It's not good manners to read other people's minds,” said Nicola helplessly.

“I'm a princess! I don't NEED good manners! And if you don't leave now, I'm calling the guards, and they'll lock you up forever if I order them to and I won't even have to say PLEASE!”

There was nothing Nicola could do. She'd failed.There wouldn't be any cheering crowds when she got back to Earth. Everybody would hate her. Greta Gretch would say, “I knew you wouldn't be able to do it, Nicola Berry.” And what would Georgio say? He'd be so disappointed.