Read Eat Your Heart Out Online

Authors: Katie Boland

Tags: #FICTION / General, #FICTION / Literary, #FICTION / Short Stories (single author), #FICTION / Coming of Age

Eat Your Heart Out (3 page)

BOOK: Eat Your Heart Out
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“I hope that's not true for my baby.”

“What do you mean
your
baby?”

“I really want to have a baby.”

“Now?”

“Yeah, I would.”

“Don't you dare get knocked up for a good ten years. Can you imagine you having a baby? You are a goddamn baby.”

“No, I know . . . but I'd be a good mom, I know I would. I'd love my baby so much.”

“It's a lot harder that it seems, kid.”

She looked at me like I was just ridiculous. “How do you know?”

She tilted her head down and I got a good look at that dog's breakfast.

“You should really get your hair dyed—”

She interrupted. “So, since Rosemary? Was it Rosemary?”

“What's she got to do with this?”

“No, nothing. Just since her, no serious women?”

“No. No, not really.” I ripped my nail to the quick.

“Wow.”

“Why are you always saying wow, kid? It makes you seem dumber than you are.” It was mean I said that to her, but my nail really hurt. I hid it under the table. “I've never wanted to be committed.”

“Not with anyone? Not ever?”

“No. I get committed, goodbye freedom. Why would I want that?”

She looked away and I went back to eating. When I thought the conversation was over, she got back to talking.

“I was at Starbucks this one time, this reminds me of that. You know how Starbucks has those quote things on the back of their cups? Well, there was this one quote, and it went like, it went something like, ‘the irony . . .' irony . . . is that right?”

“Could be. I don't know what you're talking about yet.”

“Oh. Okay, well, I think it's irony . . . anyway, ‘The irony of commitment is that it's ultimately freeing.'”

I laughed real hard at that one. “That would be ironic, yes.”

“Don't laugh, this is good! Just listen, okay?”

I nodded my head. I always did listen to her, more than I did other people. Don't know why.

“It said like ‘When you commit to something, it frees you of the doubts in your head.' I don't know, something like that. That always stuck with me. I think it's true.”

When she gave me that spiel, she looked real hopeful. But it was this terrifying hope around her eyes. Really, it scared me. I hadn't seen that kind of hope from anyone in so long that I had to set her straight.

“You know why you only see shit like that written on Starbucks cups?”

“No, why?”

“Because the only people stupid enough to believe that bullshit are the same idiots who are willing to pay five dollars for a goddamn coffee.”

She laughed real hard at that. But when she laughed it was a sad laugh. She looked like she'd been woken up from a dream.

“You're probably right.”

She smiled at me, with this smile coloured blue. I wondered then if maybe she wanted to stay dreaming.

“Should I get the cheque, kid?” I asked her.

“Sure,” she said. “Sure.”

A couple of
months passed like that. We would go to dinner, then get a few drinks, but around eleven-thirty Maggie would always say that she had to go. So I would pay the bill and we would be on our way. I knew she was lying, though. She didn't have anywhere to be.

I could tell she was always nervous about overstaying her welcome. She didn't want me to get sick of her. I would try to make it real obvious that I wasn't sick of her, but she was still nervous. Must have been something she learned because I couldn't shake her out of it. She'd put her arms around herself and shake like she was cold in her ridiculous tops.

“Look at me, cold! I must be tired,” and then I'd know it was time to drive her home.

It all changed at three o'clock one morning. When I got the call, I had a woman next to me in bed. A redhead I'd picked up at the bar. I was quiet, careful not to wake her.

“Hello?” I whispered.

“Rich?”

“Maggie?” I knew instantly who it was.

“I'm so sorry, sorry I'm calling this late.”

“What's wrong? Are you okay?”

“Yes. Well, no.”

Then she started crying hard into the phone.

“Maggie, what's wrong? Tell me what happened.”

The woman next to me in bed started tossing.

“Who are you talking to, Rich?”

I shushed her. I was probably too blunt about it, but all I cared about right then was Maggie. I took the phone and moved across the room.

“Maggie, take a deep breath, try to tell me what's wrong.”

She took big gulps of air. I had to strain to hear her.

“I just got home from this party, and I just walked in the first room and it's all a mess, I didn't even go in and see anything more. I'm too scared. I don't think he's still in there, but it's so dark and I don't know my neighbours. I just don't know what to do. Should I go back in?”

She started crying real hard again.

“No. Don't go back in, Maggie. It's okay. Here, this is what you do, okay? You get out of there right now. Go to that gas station at the bottom of your street, okay? You wait there, and you stay right next to the guy working there. I'm going to come right now and get you. You got it?”

She was still crying.

“Don't worry. Go to the gas station right now, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.”

“I'll be there in ten minutes.”

“Okay, bye.”

I put the phone down, and the woman in bed was staring at me.

“What happened?” she asked

I started running around, trying to find my pants and a decent shirt.

“My niece called, she had a break-in. So I got to go get her.”

“Oh no. Is she okay?”

“Yeah. I hate to do this, but you have your car, right?”

The lady sat up in bed and pulled the covers over her bare chest.

“Yeah?”

“You should probably go home. She has to sleep here tonight.”

She sat up even more.

“All right.”

She got all her stuff together. Three minutes later I was out the door.

When I picked
Maggie up she had stopped crying, but she was wearing this real tiny dress, and she was just shaking from the cold.

I got her into the car. I probably drove too fast, but it threw me off to see her like that. When we got to my place she looked so tiny and so tired. I don't know why, but she looked smaller than she ever did before.

“Here, get changed into this T-shirt and these shorts here,” I told her.

“Thanks.”

“You take the bed.”

“No. I couldn't do that. Not after I woke you and everything.”

“Take it.”

“Okay.”

“I'm just going to sleep on the couch, you call if you need anything,” I told her.

About five minutes later she came over to the couch. I wasn't lying down yet, I was sitting up, just thinking about how mad I was that someone would break into her apartment.

“What's up, kid?”

“Oh, nothing. I just can't really sleep, and I heard you out here, so I figured . . . maybe you'd like to talk or something?”

“Yeah, sure. I don't think I'm going to sleep now anyhow.”

She came and sat next to me on the couch.

“What a bad night.”

“That's fucking awful what happened. We'll get you a better lock and all that tomorrow. Call the police.” I felt responsible. Why hadn't I checked her locks before?

“The party sucked too.”

“What happened?”

She looked at me like she was happy I asked what happened. I got the idea that's why she came out to talk. Women are see-through sometimes.

“Well, I knew Jared was going to be there with his new girl. So I was prepared to see them. I got all dolled up, wore that dress. And when I got there he noticed me right away. He was staring at me the whole damn time, I swear. So after about an hour, I went up to say hi to him, you know? Thought I'd be mature, or whatever. But he looked at me like he really hated me. Then right in the middle of him talking to me, he takes his girl's hand and he just walks away. I couldn't believe it. He was so mean. He looked at me like he didn't even know me, Rich. Like he didn't even know me.”

“Fuck him. Did you tell him off?”

“No, I spent the whole night crying in the bathroom after that, like a dumb baby.”

“You have to start sticking up for yourself, Maggie.”

“But I still love him.”

“Jesus, Maggie. What you need to do is stop showing people how you feel.”

“But I'm not good at hiding how I feel.”

“Well, you got to get better at hiding it, kid. You can't go around showing every asshole how much they upset you. Then they think they won.”

“What am I supposed to do?”

“You have to act like you don't care.”

She put her head in her hands.

“People prey on weakness,” I continued. “You can't show them that you're weak. You can only show them that you're strong. You do that by showing them that you don't care.”

“You aren't always going to be strong, though,” she whispered.

“Who needs to know that?”

She sighed after I said that. She looked so small on my couch. Then a wash of tears came to her eyes, but I could tell she was trying to fight them. I put my arm around her, just instinctively.

“Why are men so mean?” she asked me.

“Listen, every asshole who isn't good enough for you is going to be mean to you because you scare them. You have a lot going for you, kid. You don't need to wear a dress like that to look beautiful. You look beautiful right now, just normal.”

“You think I'm beautiful?”

“Yes. I do.”

She smiled after I said that. I think it meant a lot to her. And she was beautiful. Well, once you really got looking at her anyway. I thought it was nice of me to be building up her confidence.

“You need to know how much you got going for you, Maggie. Until then, nobody else is going to know.”

She moved in closer after I said that. She rested her head on my shoulder.

“Yeah.”

Then she went quiet for a bit. I thought maybe she'd fallen asleep.

“Are you mean to women?”

“No. I tell them what I'm like up front. They know what they're getting into.”

“They probably fall in love with you anyway, though.”

“No. I don't let that happen.”

“I bet they all fall in love with you even though they don't want to.”

“Well, if they are falling in love with me it's because they really want to, trust me. I make it hard for them to think I'd ever love them back.”

“You don't think that's mean?”

“I think that's honest.”

She turned her head away when I said that.

“Maybe you're right. Maybe this love thing is stupid.”

“See? Now you get it, kid. I knew you would.”

I moved my arm from her shoulder. I gave her a few quick pats on the knee. She smiled back at me. A thought struck me.

“What made you come up to me that night at the bar? Why'd you want to talk to me?”

“You looked lonely.” Then she said, “I don't know what I would've done without you tonight,” as if her previous statement held no weight at all.

I didn't sleep that night. I watched the sunrise the next morning out of my bedroom window.

I've never seen such beautiful colours in my whole goddamn life.

After the break-in,
I would take her to see a movie about once a week. I remember because it was around then that I got sick of eating out all the time.

She didn't mind one bit, she loved to go see movies. It made her happier than a cochon in shit. She would tell me all about the movie stars beforehand. I would be praying she'd shut up the whole car ride there. I couldn't tell her to shut up, though. Talking about them made her too happy.

“I really like that other movie Jake Gyllenhaal did.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, it's called
The Day After Tomorrow
, about this huge weather disaster in the future.”

“I can hardly wait for the musical.”

“Do you think they'll make a musical?”

“No. I was kidding.”

“Oh. Well, you know that's interesting because I think Jake Gyllenhaal would be just great in a musical. He's very physical, you know, I bet you he can dance.”

“You don't say.”

“He's so handsome too. He'd be able to look masculine while singing. That's hard to do. He definitely isn't gay. He used to date Kirsten Dunst, you know that?”

“Nope.”

“Yeah, he did. And all my friends say that she's an ugly slag, but I think she's kind of cute. She has crooked teeth like mine. And I've always thought mine were kind of cute.”

“They are.”

She beamed after I said that. I never knew I could be such a charitable guy.

“Sorry to change the subject, kid, because I am just riveted.”

“You don't need to lie.”

“I was only kidding.”

“Go on, change the subject.”

“Did you find that necklace stolen in the break-in? The one your mom gave you?”

“Oh, no. I didn't. I'm pretty sure it's gone.”

“Ah, shit.”

“No big deal. It was just a little gold heart on a chain. It had sentimental value because my dad gave it to my mom.”

“You notice anything else they took?”

“No, it was a big joke on them. I don't have anything worth taking.”

“Yeah, well, good. Sick fucks.”

“Some might say it was ‘ironic.'”

I laughed.

The movie that
night was awful. I had bought her this big popcorn. She was eating it so goddamn loud it was like listening to a pig eating celery, I swear to you.

“Can you chew with your mouth closed?”

BOOK: Eat Your Heart Out
8.46Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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