Echoes of Silence (Unquiet Mind Book 1) (28 page)

“As riveting as that sounds, we’re leaving,” Kill drawled, his face blank.

Sam shrugged. “Go then, children, go! Be free,” he called.

Kill shook his head at him. He gave a chin lift to someone further away into crowd. Wyatt held up a hand in farewell. I blew them a kiss as Kill dragged me off.

****

“We gotta stop, Freckles,” Kill declared in a husky voice.

He held his body taut above me, holding himself up on his forearms, his torso brushing mine.

“Yes, definitely,” I breathed, fastening my hand to the back of his neck and pulling him back down to my mouth.

He made a sound at the back of his throat and kissed me with abandon as his hand moved to trail up my hip, resting at the bottom of my ribs, almost brushing my breast. A shiver went through me. A delightful shiver. One that made any proper thought impossible.

Suddenly the air seemed colder, and it enveloped me as Kill’s body disappeared from atop mine. He sat up, breathing heavily. I watched his hand run through his hair like he did when he was frustrated.

I sat up, feeling intoxicated from his kiss. “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

Kill’s head snapped up, and he leaned over to cup my face in his hands. “Don’t apologize,” he ordered in a soft voice. “Never apologize for kissing me, Freckles. The taste of your mouth, kissing you, it’s the best thing in the goddamn world. But, I want you so bad it hurts. Only thing that would hurt more is not waiting till you’re ready. Till it’s time.”

I paused at his words. Kill and I burned hot and fast. With everything. I loved him more than anything. I was sure about that. I had never been surer about anything in my life. I wanted him. Every fiber of my being wanted… more than the kisses he treated me to every day. The kisses that got more intense by the day. The kisses that promised more. But I wasn’t ready. I knew that. Everything that Kill and I already had consumed me. I wasn’t ready for more. I wasn’t sure I could take it.

“It doesn’t make you... mad?” I asked softly. “That I’m not like... other girls,” I alluded to the “other girls” being ones who hadn’t waited.

Kill’s hand tightened at my jaw. “Stop,” he commanded. “Don’t you dare try to measure yourself against anyone else. It’s impossible. They’re nothing, not compared to you. It’s like the difference between a single flame and the sun. There’s no comparison.”

He sounded so sure, and salved my doubts completely. “Okay,” I whispered.

“Okay,” he repeated. He leaned forward, pressing a kiss to my mouth before standing. He grasped my hand and gently pulled me up. His hands rubbed my bare arms. They were covered with goose bumps, not because it was cold, but because of Kill. “Let’s get my girl home,” he murmured.

I was disappointed to be leaving Kill and what I came to think of as our spot—I overlook above town where we had our first date. We came up here all the time. To make out. To talk. To not talk, just sit side by side while Kill read and I either read or played my guitar.

I glanced over at the ocean, illuminated in the moonlight. The crashing of the waves was calming and comforting. “I wish we could stay here forever,” I whispered. “Build a house here and live out our days.”

Kill’s body went tight at my words and he was silent for a long moment. “You’re not meant to stay in one place, Freckles,” he declared finally. “You’re goin’ places.” His voice was strange, detached almost.

I grasped his hand. “
We’re
going places,” I corrected. “I don’t go anywhere without you.”

Kill didn’t answer. He pressed a kiss to my head and bent to retrieve the blanket.

I followed him back to the car, not thinking much of that moment. I should have. Maybe it would have saved my heart later on.

Or maybe it wouldn’t have done a damn thing.

I dropped my bag in the living room the next day, depositing myself on the sofa. It was a rare day when the band wasn’t practicing. I had Kill drop me and Gina off at the café to study together. She had been mute the entire time. I was pretty sure Kill scared the crap out of her. Not because he was rude, he went out of his way to be nice to her, but because she was like that around most boys. She had even less experience than I did. And she buried herself in books more than I did as well. She even walked the halls with her nose buried in them. I had tried to get her away from her books and to sit with us at lunch, but she’d blushed bright red the entire time and kept her eyes glued to her tray. I saw the way her gaze flickered to Sam when he wasn’t looking, and I knew what that look had meant. She had a crush on him. Because he was a clueless, albeit loveable idiot, he didn’t notice. And because he was a teenage boy, he didn’t appreciate Gina’s natural beauty.

I had asked her about it at the café earlier and she had flushed the same red.

“You should talk to him,” I urged. “Or I can do it for you, give him a little push in the right direction.” Sam may have been focusing on shallow girls, but I knew he was deeper than he seemed at first glance. Gina would be good for him.

She had gaped at me, horrified. “No, don’t,” she cried. “It’s just... no. Someone like Sam would never give the time of day to someone like me,” she muttered, glancing down. “I know that.”

I reached across the table, squeezing her hand. “Someone like you? You mean pretty with a killer fashion sense and a kind heart?”

Gina looked up at me and smiled. “You’re nice, Lexie. Nicer than I expected anyone that looks like... you with a boyfriend like Killian Decesare to be. Nothing like Stacy and those girls,” she muttered, her eyes far away.

I swallowed the anger I felt at the unspoken meaning there. Stacy was exactly the kind of nasty person to be cruel to the kindest girl I’d met.

“So I know you’re trying to be nice, inviting me to sit with you, trying to set me up with someone who’s so far out of my league it’s not even funny, but please don’t,” she requested kindly. “I don’t want to sound ungrateful. I’m happy to have you as a friend... if that’s what we are...”

I squeezed her hand. “Of course that’s what we are.”

She smiled again. “But I’m also happy with my books. On my own. Eating lunch with them. I feel uncomfortable when I’m around heaps of people and boys, especially ones that look like your friends. They’re all so friendly too, but I just can’t.”

I nodded, feeling bad for pressuring the girl to do something that made her feel so uncomfortable. “That’s totally fine,” I replied. “I get it. Books are way better company than dorks like Sam anyway.” I winked. “So we’ll just stick to coffee dates with you and me?”

Gina relaxed as I let go of her hand. “Thanks.”

I beamed, but I felt sad deep down, wondering what it was that pummeled her self-esteem down to nothing.

“The offer’s always there though, you know that, right? You ever get sick of books, a terrifying prospect I know, but if that ever happens, you’re always welcome at our table,” I promised her.

She nodded again, and I didn’t say anything more on the subject. I did plan on making sure I’d step in if I ever saw Stacy close to her again. She may have given Kill and me a wide berth lately, but she wouldn’t screw with my friends.

I wandered home after coffee, which had turned into cake, which had turned into more coffee. It was later than I expected, but Kill had texted saying he had to stay late at the club, so I planned on losing myself in the
Bronze Horsemen
, rereading it for the millionth time.

“Hi, Doll,” a voice chirped from above me.

I jumped high enough I was surprised I didn’t hit the ceiling. My well-worn and tattered book went flying out of my hands.

“Jeez, mom. Are you trying to give me a heart attack?” I accused.

She grinned, rounding the sofa. “If you get a heart attack at sixteen, we’re better to know the ticker isn’t doing well sooner rather than later,” she said, sitting on the sofa beside me.

I glared at her, picking up my book, making sure it hadn’t succumbed to any damage. Once I was happy it would survive at least a few more rereads, I looked to Mom.

“What are you doing home this early?” I asked. Mom was busy at the hotel. She made sure of it, I thought. Now that Kill picked me up and took me to school, she was more than likely on her way out as I stumbled out of bed. She’d give me a quick kiss on the head and be gone. She would come home later than usual, to have dinner, watch a movie with Kill and me if we were home, and come to a gig every now and then. We still hung out on the weekends, but she made it her mission never to be idle. I knew why. Zane. She didn’t want to stop because then she’d have to recognize his absence, notice her broken heart. It hurt my own seeing her like that.

Her face lost its false grin and she turned serious. “I’ve got something to tell you. Two somethings actually.”

My heart sunk. Mom had been in bed when I got home last night. She had long stopped waiting up to make sure Kill made curfew; she trusted him. She trusted him with a lot ever since that horrible day at the club. I had wanted to wake her up and ask how her date went, but I also didn’t want to know. I was terrified she’d say it went well. I wouldn’t stand in the way of her happiness, not ever. But she belonged with Zane.

“Okay,” I said carefully, bracing myself.

Mom clasped my hands, her eyes watering a little. “I talked to a lawyer today. Steve and Ava’s lawyer.”

It was so unexpected I flinched at the sharp stab of pain that ripped through me at the mention of their names. I never forgot them. Not one day, not one hour went past without thinking of them. Without missing them. Without feeling the absolute agony over the fact I’d never see them again, would never be able to pick up the phone and ask Ava for advice. But it had started to fade. The hurt. Only now and then did I feel the full force of it, when a memory hit me out of the blue, when I remembered the reality of what death meant.

Mom squeezed my hand, noticing my physical reaction. Pain painted her face. “Yeah, baby, it was the last thing I expected, too,” she murmured. There was a long pause. “They left it all to us.”

I screwed up my nose in confusion. “All of what?”

“What they left behind. The hotels, the house. The money,” she explained, her tone flat. “You’ve got your own money too, which you get when you’re twenty-one. Enough for any college you want to go to. Heck, you could go to college on the moon if you wanted,” she attempted a joke.

I didn’t say a thing. I was frozen. Steve and Ava had money; I’d always known that. They’d always give me exquisite gifts on birthdays and Christmas, and took us out to fancy dinners whenever they felt like it. They owned more than a couple of hotels. They had a really nice house in DC, plus one in Malibu. I’d known this in a kind of distant way, never thought much of it. Mom had never let them give us a dime, though I knew they’d offered a lot. Steve would always shove money in my pocket whenever I said good-bye, with a conspiratory wink. They hated that Mom struggled, but I knew they were as proud as real parents would be that she was determined to do it on her own. And she did. But it seemed they got the last laugh. They got to provide Mom with the financial support they’d always wanted her to have. Right when she didn’t need it.

“Doll?” Mom said quietly, concern on her face. “You’ll never have to worry about money as long as you live. Never have to feel helpless or lost. Steve and Ava made sure of that.”

Her words made something in me snap and I stood up. “You think money is going to stop me from feeling helpless or lost?” I snapped. “I don’t care about money, about
things
,” I shouted. “I don’t want it. Give it all away, burn it. I don’t care. I don’t want it,” I choked out, tears streaming down my face. “I only want Steve and Ava to be back.”

Mom stood up, her eyes shimmering. She pulled me into her arms. I went willingly.

She kissed my head. “I know, doll. Me too, me too,” she whispered.

We stood there for a long while, long enough that my tears had dried, and I found the strength to pull out of Mom’s arms.

“What’s the other thing?” I asked, rubbing my eyes.

Mom blinked. “The other thing?” she repeated.

“Yeah, you said there were a couple of things. What’s the other thing?”

Mom’s face changed. The sadness was still there, but there was something else too. Maybe hope. And also despair. It was a strange combination to have on someone’s face.

She took a deep breath. “Sit down, doll.”

I frowned at her but complied, bracing for something horrible. That’s what I did these days. Anytime the phone rang, it filled me with dread, with this utter sense of horror that it would be news set to ruin my life.
K
u
nowing it could happen once, I was certain it would happen again. It wasn’t a question of if, it was a question of when.

“The lawyer wasn’t the only person I ran into today,” she began, her voice strange. “I—” She paused. “Zane’s home.”

I sat up a little straighter, and I felt a little flame of hope at that declaration. At the way she said him.

“Zane’s home. And you talked to him,” I clarified.

She nodded. “And, I found out some things. Some things that have made me understand a lot. Made me realize what I want.”

I was fighting a smile. “Zane. You want Zane,” I finished for her.

Mom smiled a small smile. It was real. Genuine.

I jumped up and down in my seat. “So you’re back together?”

Mom nodded again.

I let out a little squeal, not caring I sounded juvenile and ridiculous. I pulled Mom in for a quick hug before letting her go. “This is awesome. Amazing. I knew, I knew he wouldn’t be gone forever. Wouldn’t let you go, let us go,” I declared. I looked around the house. “Where is he?” I needed to see for myself.

Mom lost her smile, and something flickered in her eyes that made me lose my own. “He’s at the club, filling in the men on some things, catching up on super-secret biker things,” she told me, rolling her eyes.

I didn’t say anything as I waited for her to tell me the thing that caused that sorrow tainting the happiness in her eyes.

“What I found out today, doll, I think you need to know it too,” she said quietly. “Need to understand why Zane is the way he is.”

“His demons,” I muttered, almost to myself.

Mom leaned back a little, surprised at my observation. “Yeah, baby, his demons,” she agreed when she recovered. She sighed. “I wish that growing up didn’t mean having to understand that no matter how beautiful life can be, ugliness exists to make that beautiful possible.” Her eyes locked on mine. “I wish you could live your beautiful life not knowing what lies on the other side of reality. The darker side.” She paused. “But you can’t. I want the absolute best for my baby, for you to be the best person you can be. To be the best person, you need to understand that darkness, experience it, as much as I hate that.”

I felt an uncomfortable sensation at the back of my neck. I knew something bad had happened in Zane’s life. I wanted to know what it was, but I found myself wishing I didn’t have to. But Mom was right; I needed to know.

“It’s okay, Mom. Tell me,” I said, feigning confidence.

She gave me a long look. “Four years ago, Zane had a woman. A woman he loved very much. His person.”

I sucked in a breath at this, but not just because there was someone before Mom. I wasn’t stupid; Zane was old, he’d obviously been in love before. This was because I knew this didn’t have a happy ending.

“From what I can understand, Zane four years ago was much different to present Zane,” Mom continued. “He was different... before.”

I knew it. The Zane we knew was ‘after’ Zane. Loss had split his world in two like it had mine. I had a sinking feeling it hadn’t fractured his like mine had been. His had been destroyed.

“Her name was Laurie,” Mom whispered, her eyes filling with tears. “Her name was Laurie, and she died. I’m not going to go into any specifics, honey. I don’t want you to go looking for them either,” she requested. “You may need to know the presence of darkness, but you don’t need to wade into it. But it was bad. Worse than bad. And Zane blamed himself. For four years, he’s lived convinced of the fact he was responsible for her death. For that long, he’s lived in that darkness, honey. He became that darkness.”