Elemental Fear (28 page)

“Oh God” I cried out covering my mouth.

“I couldn’t or should I say I didn’t kiss you back because...oh come on what dickhead would take advantage of a pissed up lass.”

I pulled fully away from him hugging my knees to my chest. I felt sick; I was that girl that made herself vulnerable in those situations.

“Eve?”

I shook my head, swallowing down the lump in my throat. “Baby...look at me
.”

Again I shook my head.

“I wanted you; I really did...so much it hurt. But I couldn’t...I wouldn’t have felt right if I’d taken advantage of you. I loved you even then and I wanted to ask you out properly. I struggled with how I felt about you. It felt awkward growing up with you as my best friend, then all of a sudden I felt like you’d hit me with a sledgehammer. Because when I came home from uni after being away for a few weeks due to revision, you knocked the wind out of me good and proper...” He scrubbed his hands down his face “you were so fucking beautiful Eve, you were always bonny, but good God you were breathtaking. You just seemed to have gone from a girl to a gorgeous woman in no time and I couldn’t deal with it. I was an utter dick to you wasn’t I?”

I nodded my agreement a little stunned and he chuckled.

“I’ve never let anyone into my heart the way you have nestled in here.” He patted his chest “It beats for you Evelyn, just you. I promised myself that if I ever got a chance to say all this I wouldn’t hold back on the mushy shit either.” He smiled

I laughed and wiped at my tear streamed face.

“I would do anything for you, anything at all, even watch whilst you fell in love with someone else. I will die before I let him raise another finger in your direction, I didn’t know he was hurting you. I’ll be anything you want me to be...just know I love you...very much.”

I covered my mouth with my hands and cried harder. My chest hurt from the swirling emotions inside me.

“Eve if you say I’ve misread signals these past few days I’m off to top of the Eifel Tower and jumping off.” He laughed.

“Don’t joke about that kind of thing
.” I scolded but laughed.

“You’re right...I’d be too knackered after climbing all those steps
.” He chuckled.

He cupped my face, gently pressing his lips to mine. “Could you ever see a future with us? Me...and you maybe a few kids?” his voice shuddered with nerves.

I shook my head “No...” his face fell, “that’s all I ever see in my dreams, and they rarely come true.” I answered honestly.

His smile could have brightened an entire country. “It’s a starting point though right? Us scientist aim for the impossible you know
.” He winked.

I laughed. But then my face sobered. I took a deep breath. “You may not want that dream when you know the whole sordid truth
.”

A tear broke free and slid effortlessly down my cheek. I covered my eyes with my hands and loud
sobs echoed round the room.

“You’re the only reason I survive
.” I whispered.

“What
?” He asked, he pulled away and held me at arm’s length.

“You are my safe place, you are the one thing Elliott cannot take away
.” I said, looking straight into his eyes. Confusion flashed through his eyes. I pressed at his forearms for him to let me go and I pulled away putting some distance between us. “He’s tried, but the more he forces me away from you the tighter I cling to you. Loving you Dominic...the way I feel when I’m with you prevents it hurting so much. When I first got with Elliott I did fall for his charms, but in truth I always loved you and he knew it. You were everything to me. I thought you looked upon me as a little sister and nothing more. When you went to university you changed, you distanced yourself from me –”

“I explained that –“

I held up my hand “If I’m going to get all of this out I need you to promise to stay quiet okay, no questions until I get it all out because it’s...time. But what I am going to tell you isn’t easy and it isn’t nice by any means. But you have to promise to wait to talk okay?”

He nodded “I promise
.”

“I feel sick
.” I said holding my stomach. I stood from the floor as he settled onto the sofa. I walked over to the kitchen counter and stood with my back to him.

More tears sprang from my eyes, the twisting sensation in my heart and stomach multiplied. “I’m sorry, before I start...I’m sorry I let it happen, I’m so sorry I’ve spoilt us
.” I whispered as I

gripped at the counter staring at the silver flecks in the granite.

I heard Dominic take a breath as if he was going to say something but remained silent. A tear hit the counter top and I smeared it with my index finger.

“I’ve never had a friend like you, I think now looking back I built my life around you. I had a slight obsession with you growing up and I’m afraid it never went away. It only intensified as I got older and I developed stronger more...mature feelings for you. I fantasised about being your girlfriend, about you one day sweeping me off my feet.” I laughed but it sounded bitter “when you went to university I was so proud of you, so happy you were following your dreams, but I...I hated how lonely I felt without you around. I hadn’t realised until you were gone how much I depended on you, I’m sure it was a pain in the arse for you but to me...I missed you hourly Dominic. Well Elliott started taking an interest; he would come and sit with me, help me with homework, and take me to...parties. He...flattered me. He made me feel special and...and I wasn’t so alone anymore. I still missed you but it didn’t ache as much. Anyway he started being ultra nice and I liked it. I liked him, I just...I never felt the same way about him as I did you, and I told him that. He said he didn’t care, he said I was special enough to wait for.” I let out a shuddered breath “Well he persisted and we did
end up together, he kissed me and I...I liked it...I liked how I felt when he held me.” I shivered at the thought “I thought I could forget you.” I closed my eyes and turned around to face Dominic. He was sat with his elbows on his knees, chin resting on his hands watching me. He didn’t say anything he just watched me.

I walked towards him and sat in the chair across from him, knotting my fingers in my lap. I took a deep fortifying breath.

“After a while I knew I didn’t like him that way, I just wanted to be friends. So I told him, I said I wanted to be his friend and that...” I swallowed the bile in my throat. “I think it was a few days later he...he took me to a party and like usual I couldn’t handle my drink and got rat arsed.” I balled my hands into fists and threw my head back to stare at the ceiling letting out a loud breath then I closed my eyes tightly “the next morning mum bollocked me for being in that state and that Elliott brought me home and had it not been for him...had it not been for him...” I choked and let my head fall; I opened my eyes and stared at the carpet. I took a deep breath and watched tears drip to the floor “I felt like shit, mum was angry at me, dad just seemed disappointed, then he turned up. He...he kissed me and when I pushed him away...he...he...” an unstoppable sob burst from me.

“Eve –“

I shook my head “he had a camera...he’d filmed me.” My lip trembled and my shoulders shook with silent cries. “He’d taken me to someone’s room and...he’d filmed us...I was passed out...and he...I don’t remember it. I never felt it...I...I drank too much to...I didn’t say no...he touched me and did things to me and I...he made me watch it. I swear I never –“ I broke down and wept, my hands shook as I brought them to my face.

Strong arms came around me and held me tightly. I gripped at his shirt shaking the vigor of my sobs. “He...said that...if I ever told anyone...I couldn’t say anything because he would do the same to Louise.” I pulled away wiping at my eyes, looking up into Dominic’s stricken face “I couldn’t let him hurt my sister, she was only thirteen. He still says he will hurt her and now she’s pregnant...but he’s threatened Ellie...Dominic I can’t let him hurt my baby sisters.” I sobbed and covered my face with my hands.

“Jesus.” He murmured and pulled me to him again.

I rubbed my cheek against his chest, loving the soft feel of his shirt. “I hated myself after that, for weeks I couldn’t stand to look at my reflection. I didn’t and still don’t remember that first time...but I...I kept seeing that video and imagining his hands on me. And his...his thing inside me.” Dominic’s arms tightened around me. “I thought that was the worst it could get, I thought because I was drunk he mistook my...I didn’t think he would try it again...but he did and it happened time and time
again.” I took a deep breath “I’ve never had sex willingly, in fact I can probably only remember being conscious a handful of times.” when I felt Dominic’s body stiffen I looked up at him. His jaw tensed and I could see the strain in his face to remain quiet.

“He...when he beats me...I can’t handle it and I tend to pass out...I...prefer to pass out then I don’t feel it.”

Dominic paled and I was certain he would throw up. He closed his eyes and gritted his teeth. I knew it must have been hard to hear, it was heartbreaking to say it out loud. But he needed to see me; he needed to understand what I am.

“The day you found me in the kitchen Elliott had attacked me for having lunch with you that day, he’d forced himself...into me but then you shouted.” Dominic frowned and I could tell what he was thinking.

“No one ever saw Elliott after my ‘accidents’ because he was a bit like a ghost, I didn’t know he was there half the time until it was too late. He would park his car up the road, or take the bus; he would arrive back from Manchester unexpectedly and go back again. It was almost like I imagined it half the time, but bruises don’t lie. I...he’s scarred me physically and in here...” I tapped my head “and in here.” I tapped my heart. “He’s broken me and made me this vile creature...who would want this?” I squeaked motioning with my hands towards myself.

“Me
.” rasped Dominic. “I would want you, I do want you. You Evelyn Beaumont are an incredible woman and I love you so fucking much.”

“Why?”

“Because to me Eve, you are perfect I don’t need, want or desire anyone or anything else in this world as much as I do you. Nothing will make me stop loving you, not my psychotic brother or this horrendous hell you’ve had to live but I’m telling you now...no one and I mean no one will hurt you again. I do want to thank you for trusting me, and living through that again and having the courage to tell me...because I got to say it was fucking killing me saying nothing.”

“How can you still love me? He...he raped me...he’s made me dirty and used, I’m ugly and spoiled...” I squeezed my eyes closed and shook my head.

Dominic’s warm hands cupped my face “He betrayed you, he violated you but he didn’t dirty you. He is to blame Eve, nothing you ever did warranted his actions. He’s a sick twisted bastard. He will not hurt you and I swear on my life baby, I will not let him hurt Louise or anyone you love again okay. By telling me you have handed the reigns over to me, it is my turn to protect you.” He cupped my face in his large hands and studied me “You are the most incredible person I have ever had the honor to know, and I will live the rest of my life making sure I am worthy of your love.”

I nodded and smiled, I couldn’t speak.

“There’s one more thing...when you spoke to Johan he told you about him hitting Elliott because of the picture...of me.”

“What kind of picture was it
?” He asked hesitantly

“He hit me in the face, something he never does because it’s not easy to hide. But he said he would show him who had the power
.”

“Fucking..
.” He stood up, ejecting me from his lap. A position I wasn’t aware I had gotten into “He...FUCK!” He roared up to the ceiling. He spun round to face me and fell to his knees nuzzling his head in my lap “I'm sorry, I didn’t know...I thought...I assumed Johan was...that it was a kinky picture or some shit.” He paused looking up at me “I never expected...” again he paused looking at my face to gage my reaction “You said he films you and that’s why you couldn’t tell your parents.” I nodded my agreement “you meant he filmed the...attacks and the...while he...”

I nodded again and more tears rolled down my face.

“So this isn’t some kinky arsed sex-play, he’s a fucking perverted psychopath.”

“I’ve never consented to sex, kinky or otherwise
.” I stated in a monotone. His eyes widened as he stared at me.

“Never
?” He asked quietly.

I shook my head
.

“You need professional help
,” he said and when I gasped and my mouth gaped open he held up his hands “that didn’t come out right. What I mean is this isn’t going to go away by itself, you’ve suffered a horrific trauma and you need to claim your life back. He hasn’t broken you, he hasn’t dirtied you...he wants you to believe that but in reality baby, he’s made you so bloody strong. You survived years of his abuse to protect your...family.” He choked and swallowed before adding “I admire that you now have the strength to stand up and say no more...”

“I can’t leave him...don’t you see...I’ve told you all this so that you understand that I love you but I

can’t risk –“

“Eve I know you’re scared. But the only way to protect your sister and yourself is to have him locked away for a very long time. You cannot...he cannot get away with hurting you like this anymore. One day he is going to go too far and...I can’t go to that place because a world without you in it would be like stealing the sun. I love you...do you trust me?”