Eloisa James - Duchess by Night (36 page)

Of course.

Eugenia climbed up onto his lap, and Jems heart thumped when he felt how light she was stil . Did you have a big lunch? he demanded.

Stew, Eugenia said. And a special egg that Cook made me.

What was special about it?

It has a very fancy cheese cal ed fromage bleu mixed into it, Eugenia reported.

You eat like a lady of eighty, Jem said, tightening his arm around her.

I like fromage , Eugenia said, obviously relishing the sound of the French syl ables on her tongue. I like Harry too. Or Harriet. I miss her.

I miss her too. In fact, the pain of missing her was almost like a physical pain in his chest. He couldnt imagine how to get through yet another day.

I thought she might stay with us, Eugenia said.

He cleared his throat. I hoped she would too, poppet. But shes a duchess, and she had important things to do.

I asked her what they were.

What did she say?

She kind of laughed, and said that people on her estate needed taking care of, the same as your people do. And that she had a very old dog, who would miss her. His name is Mrs. Custard.

Jem opened his mouthand shut it again.

Harriet had a very old dog waiting for her. She was going back to an empty house. It hit him like a brick in the head.

Eugenia was looking at him with concern. Dont worry, Papa, she said sweetly. Il never let you be al alone. When I grow up, Il have a house and you can stay with me.

He was an idiot. He was beyond an idiot. He loved Harriet. And love meant that you didnt let someone go home to an empty house and an aging dog, even if she did turn out to be a duchess. And even if she was infuriating, and holier-than-thou.

And even if

He looked down at Eugenia and suddenly realized something so obvious that he couldnt believe he hadnt understood it before.

That pain in his heart, the one that was so deep it made his bones ache, that was his fault. He accused Harriet of lying. But in reality, he was the one who concealed who he was.

He was a fool, an idiot, a child who was unable to stop looking for his fathers approvaleven when he knew his father was dead and immoral in the bargain.

Why else did he turn his house into his fathers version of Paradise? Why wasnt he the sort of father he truly admireda father who created a house that was safe?

Because he wanted his fathers approvala man who was dead and gone, and before that, drunk and dissolute.

Eugenia was pul ing at his sleeve. Papa, dont look so sad. I promise you can always live with me.

He buried his face in her hair. I know that, poppet. Im sorry.

Sorry for what? Eugenia asked, snuggling close but, as always, logical.

Sorry for not being a better father. For al owing a rat to bite you, and keeping you in the west wing so you wouldnt meet my guests.

Its not your fault the rat came in from the cold, Papa. Goodness!

How could he have been so stupid as not to see the pattern of his life? Fonthil was designed and driven by his boyhood wishes. He wasnt ashamed of that deep, driving wish he always had that his sisters life hadnt been ruined by circumstances outside her control, that she had been able to marry and have babies, as she deserved. But he was ashamed that he took his guilt and love for her and al owed it to blind him to the kind of household in which he was raising his own child.

But he was even more ashamed of the way he al owed a boys wish for his fathers approval to linger and shape his life, even when as a man he understood his fathers corrupt nature. The way his fathers shal ow, careless attitude toward women that had led to his only daughters violation.

He couldnt give every woman in peril a safe harborand his father would never come back to life and recognize that Fonthil was his version of Paradise.

If Harriet would just take him back, he would never sit down at the Game again. And every brick in Fonthil could crumble to the ground, that blasted bordel o of a tower included.

Eugenia, he said, do you think that perhaps if we went to Harriets house, she might see us?

Of course she would, Papa.

Despair plunged through him. She wanted a Jem who didnt even exist. We cant just go fetch her, he said, thinking it through.

We have to move to her house.

Harriet has kittens, Eugenia said, reasonably.

What if she wouldnt take him? How could she possibly take him and she, a duchess? With his house and his reputation and his habits and

That wil make Harriet very happy, Eugenia said. I could tel she didnt want to leave me, Papa. She doesnt have a little girl of her own, you know.

I know.

Harriet had said that she loved him, there at the end. Shed begged him, and he threw it back at her. She had given him the most precious gift in the world and he flung it at her feet.

Jem felt as if he had been hit on the head and suddenly started thinking rational y. He loved Harriet. And yet hed hurt her so much. If there was even a chance that she would take him back

He would do anything for her. Sel the house, disperse the Game, say goodbye to the Graces Al those things were easy compared to the possibility of living a lifetime without her.

March 30, 1784

T he Berrow estate was easily as grand as Fonthil . Probably the grounds werent as largebut he couldnt fool himself. The old stone house was settled into the ground, surrounded by ancient orchards. It made Fonthil look like a presumptive younger neighbor.

I dont want you to feel terrible if Harriet decides not to keep us, he said to Eugenia.

She looked at him with her serious, straightforward gaze. Dont be sil y, Papa. Harriet loves me.

The footmen opened the carriage and he handed Eugenia out. They were announced. They waited.

After fifteen minutes, Eugenia got restless and started dancing around the drawing room. Jem was feeling sick. This was absurd. Likely Harriet had come back to her beautiful estate and realized what an idiot she had been ever to entertain the idea of marrying a loose fish like himself.

Al of a sudden the door opened. The Duchess of Beaumont. Andthe Duchess of Berrow. Two gorgeous women of the very highest rank, bedecked and bejeweled, dressed in silk and satin.

Jem cal ed Eugenia to him and bowed.

Harriet was exquisite as a woman. Her hair was piled on her head, al the curls tamed. In a gown she was even more sensual than in breeches. Now she didnt have a cravat under her chin, but a gown that plunged in front to show creamy skin, her smal waisther gowns bil owing skirts made him long to tip her over, uncover her secrets.

Her eyes met his with al the curious welcome one might give a mere acquaintance. Lord Strange, she said, holding out a hand to be kissed. You do me too much honor. I had not expected a visit at such short notice. Then she turned to Eugenia and gave her a true smile. And a true kiss.

Eugenia leaned in and said something in Harriets ear.

Of course! Harriet said, and without a glance in his direction, she took Eugenias hand and led her away. The kittens are in the barn, she said, as she left.

The Duchess of Beaumont lingered. Jem stood in the center of the room.

Why are you here? she asked.

Jem just looked at her. You know, dont you?

Youve come for Harriet. You wont let her go.

Never.

I thought you werent such a fool. Il make her come back to the room.

He sat down and waited. And waited.

Presumably Harriet was exacting some sort of revenge. Or screwing up her courage. It didnt even make him angry. He felt a strange sense of peace. His whole life had been defined by degrees of dissipation. He had thwarted his father by never entering brothelsbut he certainly lived in his fathers footsteps in other respects. Since the moment he turned fourteen he had flaunted himself and his life as debauched.

Harriet was the only person hed ever met who thought that he was worthy of a better place than a brothel. She was worth the demise of Fonthil .

So he waited.

Final y, after two hours, she walked into the drawing room and quietly closed the door, leaning back against it. Eugenia is having a bath. She slipped into the horses trough.

He came to his feet. She was fifty times more sensual, more delicious in a dress than in breeches. I love you.

I know you do, she replied, rather unexpectedly. But she didnt leap into his arms, the way she had in the stables. Instead she just stood there.

He thought desperately about what to say. I like your dress, he said. Her face looked duchesslike. Polite. I thought you didnt like having your hair up in the air like that.

I meet with Judge Truder this morning and we heard outstanding cases.

His mouth snapped shut.

The duchys administrative powers are exceeded by those of the government, of course, she said, standing ramrod straight, every inch a duchess. And a judge. As you know.

He fumbled, trying to think how to start. I didnt mean the things I said.

Its quite al right, she said, with a cool incline of her head. I entirely understand. In the heat of the moment one often makes rash comments. I shant give them a second thought.

But you dont know what Im apologizing for, he said, watching her closely.

Her eyelids fluttered and he knew she wasnt as calm as she was pretending.

I assume that you were referring to the rather wounding things you said after I disclosed my rank, she said. Believe me, I do not remember them.

I remember every word.

Im ignoring the horrid things you said because you are an ignorant fool. She said it with great precision.

I am. I am, Harriet, I real y am.

She looked away.

He had to tel her everything. And then she would stil have a hundred reasons to throw him out, but he would have tried. So he dropped to his knees, because when a man real y wants to beg

Thats how he does it.

Dont! she said, frowning at him.

I must.

Her mouth trembled and then straightened into a firm line. Very wel . She folded her hands.

The floor was very hard under his knees, and her face was even harder. He knew, he knew in his heart that it wouldnt work. She didnt love him any longer.

I didnt know I loved you, not real y. Men just dont think that way.

I know that, Harriet said.

Because your husband didnt real y love you?

You already established that, she said. Right around the same few moments when you pointed out how unattractive I was as a woman, and how stupid I was to think I could get away with cal ing myself Mr. Cope.

Jems heart twisted with the pain of it. I didnt mean those things. Then he couldnt stay on his knees any longer, even though thats where a man was supposed to be. He leapt to his feet and brought her hands to his lips. I was furious that you were a duchess.

You suddenly moved out of my reachout of anyones reach. I couldnt bear it. Al the time I was thinkingdo you know?

She shook her head.

That I would never have you. I knew how much every man at that party would have lusted after you, if they knew you were female.

And they were able to go off to London and court you, without my reputation.

You thought I would fal into marriage with the next man I saw? She looked at him more with curiosity than anything else.

I cant help it, he said jerkily, not letting her draw her hands away. I had one image of you in bed with someone else, and I lashed out at you. But God, Harriet, youre so beautiful. In a dress, in breeches, in just your skin. Any man under Gods sky would wish to make love to you.

She managed to pul her hands away. Thats good to know.

He looked down at her and he loved her so much that the words piled up in his chest and couldnt come out. Not in the right order.

You dont believe that I love you.

Actual y, I do, she said. But I dont believe that you real y want to be with me. With me, Harriet. Im just a boring widow, you know. I wore black for a whole year. I never met a courtesan before I entered your house, and while I found it interesting, Im not enamored of the experience. Im boring, Jem, and youre not.

I sent everyone away. The Graces, the guests, everyone.

She looked at him.

Theyre tearing down the tower this week.

He had her hands again, was kissing them and trying to tel her al the things he couldnt put into words. I told them to tear down the tower, and Eugenia wil tel you, I found a governess. Eugenia hates her.

For the first time, Harriet felt a gleam of hope. Whats she like? she asked cautiously.

She has a remarkable figure. I cant hardly describe it other than saying that it goes out in the front as much as it goes out in the back. She wears black in honor of her husband. Hes been gone a few years.

How many?

Twenty-six. I cant think about anything but you, Harriet. You left, and there was no point to the Game anymore. I had no interest in riding. I found myself walking up and down that damn picture gal ery four times a day. I dreamed only of you. He pul ed her close again and caught her lips in the most passionate kiss shed ever experienced.

I cant be feeling this alone, he said, voice low. Dont tel me that, Harriet. I never felt like this before. Sal y and Iwe laughed. We were like children together. She never scolded me, or noticed what my faults were. She never made love to me the way you did.

Harriet smiled.

I couldnt have made love to her the way I make love to you, he said, cupping her face in his hands. Something happened since we made love in the barn. I cant stop thinking about you. I meant to leave you alone. Youre a duchess, for Gods sake. My family and my reputation are equal y black. You do realize that, dont you?

I dont care.

The truth of it must have been in her voice because he said, You dont know the worst of it yet, but something eased in his eyes.

She was tempted to kiss him, but she made herself pul away and sit on the sofa.

He stayed there, a bewildered-looking man, with his dear lean face and a dark glower that made him look like a gypsy king.