Emancipating Andie (25 page)

She could say yes now, so as not to ruin the moment, and then tell him the truth about her feelings after things settled down. She could find a reason to break off the engagement once she had time to think it through.

She closed her eyes, swallowing forcefully again, because she already knew she wouldn’t do either of those things. There was no way she could agree to marry him knowing she wasn’t in love with him, and she didn’t have it in her to say yes only to call it off down the road. In their own way, both options were equally as cruel.

She found herself struggling to take a breath as her heart plummeted.

He was kneeling before her, offering her a future.

And in doing so, he was leaving her no choice.

“Colin,” she said, and her voice sounded far away, like it didn’t belong to her. “It’s beautiful.”

He smiled up at her, and she felt the stinging begin behind her eyes.

“I just,” she said, her voice barely a whisper, “I’m sorry…I can’t.”

His smile slowly faded, his eyes on hers, and he shifted his weight slightly, remaining on one knee. “I know it seems fast, Andie,” he said, his voice soft with persuasion, “but we love each other. What more is there?”

Andie dropped her eyes to the broken glass on the floor, shimmering with candlelight like the diamond in Colin’s hand.

“We could live together first,” he offered. “We don’t have to get married right away. Our engagement can be as long as you want it to be.”

A heavy silence descended over them, and Andie felt as though she might suffocate under the weight of it. She inhaled a quivering breath and lifted her eyes just in time to see Colin’s expression change; she watched the hope drain from his eyes like tears, and she had to look away again as her own began to well.

“Do you mean you can’t marry me now? Or you can’t marry me ever?” he asked, his voice hoarse.

She felt the tears rush down her cheeks before she looked back at him, his image immediately blurring as her eyes brimmed over once again. “I’m so sorry,” was all she could manage.

Colin looked down, his brow pulled together as he shook his head slightly. After a stunned second, he slowly raised his eyes back to Andie. “Is there someone else?”

Andie exhaled.

“No,” she said weakly.

“Well then, what is it?” he asked, his voice taking on a desperate quality as he stood and placed the ring box on the counter. “I mean, what’s happening here?”

“I…I just…” She trailed off, covering her face with both hands as she shook her head. This was not how she wanted to do this. She wanted to sit down with him, talk it out, try to show him how this was the best decision for both of them. She didn’t want to just blurt it out because she felt cornered.

How could she break his heart as he stood before her, offering her a lifetime with him?

“You just what?” Colin asked, his voice hollow.

She kept her hands over her face, the tears running hot and fast down her cheeks.

“You just what?” Colin repeated, a hint of anger creeping into his tone.

She opened her mouth, even though her mind hadn’t formulated a response, and she felt him grip her wrists and pull her hands away from her face.

“Jesus Christ, Andie, just say it,” he said, his voice full of frustration and his eyes full of hurt. “I deserve that much.”

Andie stood there, her wrists in his hands and the tears dripping off her chin. “I care about you. So much,” she said, her breath hitching between the words.

He stared at her face, his eyes searching hers, desperately needing his answer, and suddenly she felt something click inside her, leaving in its wake an eerie detachment, removing her from the moment long enough to say the words.

“But…I’m not in love with you.”

He stared at her for a second before he released her wrists, turning away and gripping the edge of the counter as he dropped his head.

Instinctively, she reached out to comfort him, but before she made contact, he leaned forward and grabbed the ring box with an abruptness that caused Andie to flinch.

She stood motionless, her hand still outstretched toward him, a combination of helplessness and contrition washing over her. Her eyes dropped to his hand, cradling the box that only moments ago held his future, and with a quick curl of his fingers, he snapped it closed, the sharp sound of it echoing through the apartment.

The door closing on them for good.

“Leave.”

Andie exhaled softly, finally dropping her outstretched hand. “Colin—”

“Leave.”

He turned from the counter so that his back was to her, his fist clenched around the ring box.

Her eyes brimmed over again as she whispered, “Can I just—”

“Get the fuck out of my apartment, Andie,” he said with a cold formality that caused a sharp pang in her chest.

She deserved it. She knew she did.

Her breath hitched again as she backed away from him, the broken glass crunching beneath her feet.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered before she turned and stumbled out of the kitchen. She felt clumsy and inept, almost like she was running underwater as she approached his door, and as soon as she was outside, her hand flew to her mouth as the first sob ripped from her throat with startling force. She staggered away from his apartment and back to her car, earning several stares from people passing by.

One teenage boy actually stopped, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. “Are you…are you okay?” he asked uneasily.

Andie nodded, trying to force a smile but turning away from him as another sob broke from her lips.

She finally reached her car and poured herself inside; she had no business driving in her current state, but she turned the key in the ignition anyway.

Andie wove through the darkened streets, one hand on the wheel and the other swiping at the inexorable tears. In her mind, she knew that she should go home now. But everything in her body screamed for Chase.

She just needed to see him.

Andie realized she should probably wait to talk to him. She needed to calm down and gather her thoughts. After screwing things up so badly with Colin, she wanted to make sure she at least did this part right.

And yet five minutes later, she was on the highway that would lead her to him.

She had never been to his apartment before; she only knew about it from their discussions on the way to Florida, and she hoped that through the darkness and her incoherency, she could figure out which one it was.

When she finally pulled onto the street she knew was his, she parked the car, squinting out the windshield and trying to make out the numbers on the buildings through her bleary vision. It wasn’t the best neighborhood, and she didn’t want to wander around it in the dark, especially in her current state. Her eyes were burning, and she could already feel how swollen they were.

She exited the car quickly and sprinted up the steps of the building she hoped was his, glancing quickly at the buzzer; the word
McGuire
was scrawled next to 3B.

With renewed urgency she ran inside and up the stairs, slowing down as she approached the door. Her hand trembled as she knocked softly. It was a minute before she heard the sounds of someone on the other side of it, and as the door swung open, her eyes filled with tears again.

Only this time, there was relief behind them.

He was shirtless, the flannel pajama pants he was wearing riding low on his body, revealing the muscled
V
of his hips. His hair was a rumpled mess and his eyes were squinted with sleep.

“Hi,” Andie whispered softly, her chin trembling.

His eyes widened in alarm. “Jesus Christ, what happened to you? Are you okay?” He stepped forward quickly, reaching for her.

“Colin asked me to marry him.”

He froze before bringing his arms back to his sides. There was the tiniest flicker of something behind his eyes, but as soon as it appeared, it was gone, replaced by a polite smile.

“Congratulations.”

“I said no,” she whispered.

She watched his smile drop, and she blinked up at him, a fresh round of tears spilling from her eyes as she waited for him to say something.

His expression was unreadable.

“I said no, Chase,” she repeated.

He closed his eyes before he exhaled heavily, dropping his head as he ran his hand through his hair. “That’s not what…” He trailed off, fumbling for words. “I didn’t mean for that to happen.”

“Chase,” Andie said, shaking her head. She would not let him take the blame for this.
She
had made this decision. He may have opened her eyes to certain things, but Chase or no Chase, she and Colin would never have worked.

Andie took a step toward him, and he stepped back abruptly.

She stilled, her stomach twisting unpleasantly at his reaction.

Slowly, he lifted his eyes to hers. “Andie,” he said, his voice soft but resolute, “you should have said yes.”

All the breath left her body as she looked up at him, her heart sinking as she took in his smooth expression. The fire in his eyes, the longing she had nearly drowned in that night at the piano, was nowhere to be found.

“You should have said yes,” he repeated softly as he took another tiny step back.

She felt the heat flood her cheeks as humiliation settled around her like a fog, preventing any logical reaction or thought, any rational response.

Instead she turned, attempting to maintain some semblance of dignity as she walked quickly toward the staircase that would bring her back down to street level.

He didn’t try to stop her.

She exited the building, her breath coming in shallow little bursts as her legs trembled, struggling with the task of supporting her.

To her surprise, her eyes remained dry as she slid into the driver’s seat, and even as she pulled swiftly out of the parking space. It wasn’t until she sped onto the highway that would take her home that she felt the familiar stinging behind her lids, and for a second, she wondered if it was possible to run out of tears.

She wished that it was.

How could she have gotten this so wrong? How could she have misread him? Images of Chase ran on a loop through her mind, a slideshow of her indiscretions: the hotel room in South Carolina, the lake, Tybee Island, the dance floor, the night she locked herself out.

The piano.

Was it possible she had misinterpreted all of it? Or had he just changed his mind?

Andie swallowed hard, shaking her head. It didn’t matter. As awful as she felt now, she knew what she had done tonight was for the best. Somewhere behind the dull ache in her chest was a tiny ember of reassurance.

She’d never be Tracey, looking back on this night with regret.

She’d never be her mother, marrying for stability instead of love.

And she’d never be sorry that she fell for Chase, even if he didn’t reciprocate those feelings. She looked at the world around her through different eyes now because of him. He had given her confidence; he had shown her how to find humor and comfort in the things she feared; he had proven to her that a person could take his suffering and use it to become a better person; he had reminded her that the world was full of possibilities. Even if they had no future together, she’d never lament the experiences she had with him.

And if it weren’t for Chase, maybe she would have ended up with Colin, and she would have never been genuinely happy.

Colin deserved a girl who was head over heels for him, and Andie deserved to love someone with her entire being, her heart, mind, and body. And now they were both free to find exactly that.

This was all for the best, she told herself repeatedly.

And she wondered how long it would take before she believed it.

.

C
HAPTER
F
OURTEEN

W
hat had he done?

Chase paced the length of his living room, one hand fisted in his hair as he brought the other to his mouth, taking a long pull of his cigarette. He hadn’t smoked in months, not since before the drive down to Florida, but he was already on his third one in the hour since Andie left.

Her eyes. He couldn’t stop thinking about the look in her eyes.

If only he had seen that fire, the one he knew was capable of igniting there. The one that had seared him with her anger that night in Justin’s wine cellar. If only she had looked at him
that
way, if he had seen some level of self-sufficiency or resilience in her stare, if she had told him to go to hell, then maybe he could begin to move past the fucking calamity he had created.

But the hurt behind her eyes, the embarrassment, the confusion—he couldn’t stop seeing it. The scene kept unfolding in front of him again and again: her trembling chin, her tear stained face, the hope in her expression, the words that elated him and tore his heart out at the same time.

I said no, Chase.

He closed his eyes and shook his head, taking the cigarette between his lips to free his hands as he walked briskly toward the kitchen and reached above his refrigerator. He grabbed the first bottle his hand landed on and glanced down as he unscrewed the cap.