Embracing Life (4 page)

I
lay on the golden beach, the wind whirling around me. It is a little overcast today, but there is no chill in the air, and she is with me. When she is near, I am warm. I am whole.

“Josh!” When she speaks my name, I fall even more in love with her. It was meant to come from her. My name was made for her. I rest on my elbows, looking out to the edge of the water as her body comes into focus. I see her hair whip from side to side, the reflection of the water bouncing off it like laser beams. I blink, trying to refocus my eyes to get a better look, but she the blur that is her never completely comes into focus.

“Josh!” I hear it again. I reach my hand out for her, but she doesn’t take it. Instead, she rests her legs on to sand below me. She is still out of focus, but her eyes. Her eyes glow like lightning bugs flying through the storm. Oh, how I love those eyes. I reach for her, but my hand doesn’t touch her smooth skin. I call for her, but she doesn’t answer.

Within seconds, she is gone. I am cold, the breeze is biting at my legs. I must have dozed off again. Damn it! I awake on the beach, surf board laid beside me. Once more, I have not stepped foot in the water. I sit and think about her. Each time, I drift off into the same dream

Have you ever had the overwhelming feeling that you belong? Have you ever had the feeling that you have found the one you belong with?

I have. I see her in my dreams. I see her in her on every corner and in every store. Every face reminds me of her. I try to blink away her face, but she is there, etched in my inner thoughts. She captivates my soul. To her, I am just another boy. To her, I am nothing more
than another person who breathes the same air. I wish I could make her see how I feel about her.

Summer break has come and gone. I am one year closer to getting out of here.

I have seen Mike, Katie, and Melanie a handful of times, but only in passing, Mike has become very alpha dog over the two girls. I have tried to talk with Melanie but to no avail. Mike is around her every as much as possible, and if he is not there, Katie is watching her like a hawk. I am still none the wiser of what happened before break began, but the first couple of times that I saw Mel after the incident, she seemed to have crawled back into her shell. She wouldn’t talk. She wouldn’t acknowledge people other than Mike and Katie. I called Katie about a week ago and asked if she thought it was a good time to ask Mel out, and I was greeted yet the same response I got from Mike no more than eight weeks ago.

“Josh, leave her alone!”

“Katie, did I do something wrong?” I inquire.

For the life of me, I couldn’t think of one thing that I had done. I tried to protect her.

“No, Josh, it’s not you! Why does everything have to be about you?” Katie snaps.

“Hey, why am I the bad guy? I am worried about her. That’s all. You know how I feel, Katie, better than anyone.”

“Yeah, I know, but honestly, it’s not a good time. I don’t think it will ever be a good time, so I would leave her alone. Don’t talk to her Josh. Mike will kill you if you do. You know that, right?”

“Yeah, but I have to let her know how I feel. Please let me talk to her,” I plead.

“Josh, leave it, please. She is in a bad place, so just leave it alone. I have told you too much already. Ok?! I don’t want to see her get hurt anymore. We love you, Josh, but just leave her alone?”

Before I could ask anything else, I heard the static from the dropped line. Damn Katie! She hung up on me. So, it’s not me, not that it’s all that comforting. I silently wish it was me. Then, at least, I would have something to fix. I have to tell her, but I have to take it slow. I am sick of waiting. I have waited long enough. I know I have to wait for her, until the time is right. But my heart is stuck on her. She is all I want. Fighting this internal battle is getting tiring.

Friendly banter back and forth, however, brings me hope. We have been placed together as science partners. Melanie is a little shocked by our recent partnership. For me, though, I see this as my time to break down her walls. 

Although a little apprehensive at first, Katie has warmed up to idea of Melanie and me spending time together. Mike, however, watches me like a hawk. He tried his hardest to split us apart but was knocked down a peg or two by our teacher. I don’t want to anger Mike, and I have been warned. I will take their warnings into consideration; I will show them that I can be the person she needs.

As I approach the science lab, I feel her before I see her. Glancing through the small window encased within the door, I see her measuring some form of liquid into a beaker. The Bunsen is burning off to the right. Even with those god awful science goggles on her face, she is perfect.  I stand there for only seconds before she looks towards the door. I smile at her when she sees me. A small apprehensive smile graces her face. Hey, I am not selfish. I will take whatever I can get at the moment. Just to be in her presence, privileged to watch how graceful her body is when she moves, is more than enough for me.

Pushing myself into the room, I slowly walk over to her, her eyes never leaving mine, and my smile never fading. She blinks and lowers her head. She is shy. There is a connection; she feels it, but she is just too nervous or reluctant to admit it.

So another hour of watching her begins.

Each lesson is the same.  Words are exchanged, smiles are reciprocated, and fun is had. I finally feel as if we are getting somewhere. My long wait has not been in vain.  Sadly though, with the good, there is ultimately the bad.

“Josh?” she questions with a smile.

“Hmm?” I reply as I stare at the bubbling liquid that fills the beaker.

“Will you answer me something?”

My eyes instantly flick from the volcanic liquid that breaches the glass beaker that holds it. I turn the heat down and quickly check that the liquid has calmed.

“Yeah, what is it Mel?” I ask.

She glances back and smiles at Katie who gives her a small nod and a wide grin. Hmm… what is she up to?

“Who’s Jessica?”

Oh shit! Now that’s not what I had in mind. Crap!

In elementary school, Jessica, Mike, Katie, and I were great friends. We went everywhere together. As we got older, Katie and Mike got more involved, and well, Jessica wanted to be that involved as well, if you catch my drift. Yeah, ok, she is a good looking girl. She was a dear friend, but I never really had those types of feelings for her.  She was more like a sister to me than a girlfriend.

I was able to keep her at bay for a few years. We played the happy couple, holding hands, kissing, hugging, and weekly dates. You know, the usual. But as we moved into high school, she wanted more, and I couldn’t give her more. I distanced myself from the group, started hanging with other guys, and of course, the girls followed. Mike knew what I was doing and deemed me a “player.” I was far from it, but the thought of going that far with her frankly scared me.

Jessica was not blind to what I was trying to do, but instead of moving away from me, she made herself known with the group I associated with and quickly became one of the “in” crowd. Every day, she changed a little more. She became mean, spiteful, selfish, and the complete opposite of the girl I grew up with. My actions to push her away clearly made a monster out of her. Ashamed of myself, I confronted her about her ways.

I learned, that day, that she had gotten what she had been begging me for, the one thing I would not take from her. As stupid as it sounds, especially with my actions of late towards her, I would not take from her the one thing that did not belong to me. Her virginity. It was not mine to take. I didn’t love her, and she didn’t love me.  Although, she seemed pleased with her recent accomplishment, her face was tortured with what she had become.

Within weeks after our talk, rumors spread, and I was named the thief of her innocence. What they didn’t know was that she had no idea who she had slept with. As much as I hated myself for doing it, I could not allow her to face the spitefulness that would have come if she was ever questioned otherwise.

I agreed, and so it was done. I, falsely branded as a “player,” was now as much of a whore as she was. I did nothing to right the rumors for, as much as I despised Jessica for what she did, I had to protect her secret. After all, she was my friend.

I can’t tell Melanie the history I have with Jessica. What if she doesn’t understand? I don’t want her to walk away from me now. We have just started to get to know each other.

“Josh?” Her voice pulls me from my thoughts. I turn and smile at her.

“Just a friend, Mel.”

I watch as her expression changes. She is not pleased with my answer. It’s not what she was looking for. I look long and hard into her eyes, but there is nothing. How could such a simple question and an even more simple answer have such a negative effect on her? Unless, she knows the real story.

“Mel?” I plead.

She says nothing. She, with her beaming emeralds shining in the presence of unfallen tears, just stares at me. I reach for her, but she pulls her hand back with enough force to knock a small beaker filled with acid onto the floor. The smash startles every one. All eyes are on us as we face each other.

“Mel.”

She doesn’t answer. She gives me one last look and leaves. She doesn’t look back. She walks right out of the room, and I immediately turn to scan the room for Mike and Katie. Mike is scowling at me, and I turn quickly to remove myself from his evil glare. Watching the door swing once more, I realize that Katie must have followed Mel out. Damn it!

As the lesson draws to a close, I finish cleaning up the shattered glass left in the wake of Melanie’s quick escape. I feel a hard hand land on my shoulder. I don’t need to look up to know who it belongs to. I don’t want to face him; I was warned not to hurt her, and with those four little words, I seem to have done some damage. 

Sighing deeply, I raise from my crouched position, turning to face Mike.

“Mike.” He tightens his on my shoulder. I can feel the rage flowing from the hold he his has on me.

“I warned you Josh! I told you this would not work. Why, for once in your life, can’t you tell the damn truth?” he snaps.

“You set me up, you bastard!” I growl.

“She deserves the truth, Josh. I gave you a chance to show her you are not what everyone thinks you are, and you blew it!”

The thought that he would set me up angers me from within. I cannot believe he would stoop so low. He knows I would never betray Jessica’s trust. As the thought passes through my head, I realize what I have done. I valued the overstated trust and friendship I have with Jessica over someone who I want nothing more than to please and love. How could I be so stupid?

“Fuck, Mike. What do I do now?”

“Nothing, Jackass. Just stay the hell away from her. I will not tell you again.”

With those words, he is gone. With my ignorance, I lost the one person I want more than life to love me as much as I love her.

I
watch her as days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months, and months turn into years. With each passing day, I watch the fire that left Melanie’s eyes all those months ago slowly return. She is coming back to life. She refuses to talk to me, and she wants nothing to do with me whatsoever. She avoids me like the plague. I did not realize how much I hurt her. Lying to her was the worst thing I could have done.

I love this girl, and she doesn’t even know it. Mike is, as always, vigilant, and he has been watching me. He knows I want to talk to her, but I have been warned off. Luckily though, I have learned it is not just me. The whole male population has been warned I was shot down. Mel is off-limits. He made that perfectly clear.

With each month that passes, I see less and less of Melanie. Exams are coming, thick and fast, and there is very little action among the crowds as we all cram for the tests and get ready to graduate.

I made an attempt to speak with Melanie once more, but I was harshly rejected. She stood and stared at me with such venom in her eyes that I felt the sting of her bite.  Her harsh reaction to me is of my own doing.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t regret the lie that passed through my lips.