Emilie's Christmas Love (19 page)

His head lowered, blotting out the sun and the trees and the sky. Her eyes drifted closed without conscious thought and she leaned toward him as his cool mouth touched hers.

"Emilie! Uncle Nick! Here's the tree," Adam yelled for them. "Amber and I found it again!"

Chapter Eleven

It was too brief, too fleeting, for Emilie to have time to get flustered or to decide what she should or shouldn’t do. Nick ran to join the children and she followed, her lips stinging as though they'd been frostbitten.

When he looked into her eyes, when his lips touched hers, she couldn't think, couldn't move. She just wanted him closer, wanted more. That frightened her more than anything else.

Why did her heart always have to be so demanding? Why was a small chaste kiss not enough for her? It was like some vicious craving that kept her from being happy. It was a demon that lived inside of her. She was terrified that, one day, everyone would see.

She had wanted him to touch her that night in Jacque's red room. She had wanted him to tell her that she was beautiful and run his hands through her hair. She had wanted him inside of her, murmuring things that she couldn't understand and would never believe, as crazy with passion as any drunk ever was with alcohol.

She sat down on a stump that was high enough off the ground to be comfortable. Nick went back for the chainsaw and the kids ran, laughing and throwing snow around her. She watched them, envying them their freedom and expressiveness. They could reach out their arms and someone took them up and petted them, soothing their fears and kissing their faces.

She sighed, wondering why it was that Nick affected her that way. She'd been happy living there and slowly becoming a relic, an anachronism. She was fine waiting patiently for a child, smiling at Joda's quirks.

What did she want?

She could marry Alain. He would give her stability and the base to raise children. Even Nick couldn't object to her adopting Amber with Alain at her side.

True, he didn't excite her, but he also didn't raise that fearful specter of wanting the way Nick did. She couldn't demand more than Alain could offer.

Emilie knew it wouldn't work—for either of them. So did Alain. Not that it would stop him from offering again when he was free, she considered with a slight smile.

It would stop her from accepting. She knew herself well enough to know that she craved attention, demanded passion, the way others might demand chocolate. She wouldn't be happy with a loveless marriage, even if the other partner understood it.

She wouldn't ever allow herself to be ruled by a passion so strong that she couldn't breathe in the grip of it. She supposed she would continue to live her life alone. She would become old, sweet Miss Ferrier.

She wasn't ready to give up on the idea of a child to love. That was still possible.

Amber ran back to her when Nick started the chainsaw, hugging her tightly and hiding her face in Emilie's jacket. Emilie set the little girl on her lap and whispered in her ear the things they would do when the tree was in the house. She told her about the wonderful decorations and the party she'd promised Adam. Amber nodded and laughed. Her sparkling dark eyes looked into Emilie's with all the promise of tomorrow.

Emilie hugged her tightly, thinking about Nick's sister and how terrible it must have been to lose everything. To have known her life was fading, her daughter and son left behind to fend for themselves. There were worse things than being alone.

If I'm lucky enough to take care of your little girl,
she silently promised Nick's sister,
I'll love her twice as much for both of us. And Adam too.

She watched as the tree was ready to fall. 

"Cool, huh?" Adam came to stand beside her. "We'll get to have that party tonight after all."

The tree fell, crashing to the ground through branches and icicles. Nick dragged it through the least crowded path to the snowmobile. Adam helped him tie it to the sled.

"Joda has promised hot chocolate when we get back," Nick told them.

"Who?" Emilie was amazed. She’d never known her aunt to do anything quite that ordinary.

Nick shrugged. "That's what she said. I didn't want to question her too closely."

"That was a good idea.”

First Joda had been there for breakfast that morning and then she was willing to make hot chocolate? Emilie had always hoped having a child in the house would make a difference to her aunt, but truthfully, hadn't believed it.  

"I want to go back with you and the tree," Adam said quickly to Nick, jumping on the back of the snowmobile.

Nick disagreed. "I think you should stay with Emilie until I get back."

Adam groaned and protested. "Can't Amber stay with her? I'm freezing. I need hot chocolate."

"That's fine," Emilie told him. 'Take Amber, too. She's been shivering for the past ten minutes. I'll be fine."

Nick nodded, taking the little girl from her. "Are you sure about Adam? It'll only take me a few minutes to get back."

"He's probably soaked after all the snow angels he's made," she replied. "I'll be fine. You don't have to come back for me. I'll walk back."

Adam looked a little guilty when she smiled at him. "I'll stay with you, Emilie. I'm not that cold."

Emilie could see that his lips were trembling. His face was beginning to look a little pinched with the cold. "I want you to go with your uncle so that you can watch the tree until I get back. A tree like this has to be protected."

"Protected?" Adam wondered curiously.

"Christmas tree thieves."

Adam nodded in understanding. "Don't worry. Amber and I will keep it safe until you get back. Then can we have the party?"

"What party?" Nick asked.

Adam started to tell him about it and Nick frowned.

"We'll talk about it when I get back, Adam," Emilie said to keep the peace. "Remember about the tree."

"I will," the boy promised.

Nick shook his head. “Are you sure you’re okay coming back on your own?”

Emilie smiled. “I’ll be fine. Go ahead. I’ve walked this a thousand times.”

“All right.” Nick started up the snowmobile and sped over the ridge, dragging the big tree behind them.

In the quiet he left behind, Emilie sighed. She realized that in two weeks when they were gone for good, it would be that quiet all the time. All she could do was pray that she could bring Nick around to her side about the children.

She considered how she was going to accomplish that goal as she walked up the shallow ridge. She hadn’t managed to say anything about it to him so far. She still wasn’t sure where to start.

Emilie didn't like the underhand way things had turned out with Nick. She would have liked to have faced him openly about adopting the children. Technically, since he’d told her about his plan, she could bring it up to him without worrying about revealing Alain's part in the whole episode.

Maybe that night after the children were in bed, she would speak with Nick about adopting Amber and Adam. She had a plan. She could marshal her forces and propose all of her ideas to him. She counted them off on her fingers as she walked.

1.
  
It would be better for the children to be taken by one person, if he planned to adopt Adam out.

2. They would be nearby if he wanted to see them.

3. She could provide for them without a problem, even if he wanted her to give up her teaching job.

She would hate the last because she loved teaching, but she’d be willing to give it up for a few years until Amber was in school. Then she could always return.

The wind was biting as the temperature began to drop. She pulled her coat a little closer. It had been years since she’d walked out here in the heavy, wet snow. Her leg was going to be sore when she got back. It was going to be a challenge to keep up with Adam's idea of having a party to put up the tree.

By the time she reached the top of the crest, she was breathless but her plan for approaching Nick about the children was taking form. They would have their party and have a wonderful meal. When the children were in bed, she would offer Nick a drink and lay out her proposal.

He’d be softened up by then. He had to know that she could be a good mother. She could point out the obvious—she could give the children anything, provide for a wonderful college when the time came, set them both up with trust funds that would enable them to pursue anything they wanted when they grew older.

She sat down on the little stone bench a few feet after she'd reached the top of the ridge, adjusting her leg so that it didn't hurt. She heard the drone of the snowmobile approaching from the house and stood up quickly.
Too quickly
. Her tired leg gave out on her, refusing to allow her walk at all.

When Nick pulled up in a wide swath of snow that sparkled like diamonds in the sun, she smiled and pretended to look at the beautiful trees and softly mounded drifts. It was beginning to snow again. Fat, wet flakes were falling on everything. She shivered in the chill wind, disguising it as she rubbed her hands together.

"Ready?" he yelled above the engine.

"I'll be a little longer," she replied airily. "I'm enjoying the scenery."

Nick turned off the engine and got up off the machine. "Having trouble with your leg?"

She eyed him dubiously as though he'd asked her if she wanted to jump off a cliff. "My leg is fine. I might have had a problem once or twice around you. That doesn't mean it happens all the time."

"I didn't say it did." He sat beside her on the bench. Snowflakes caught in his dark hair and eyelashes. “Isn’t there anything they can do for you?”

She sighed. She didn't want to have this conversation, especially not now when she was about to make her move to adopt the children. "I had polio as a child. My father didn't believe a Ferrier would be weak enough to allow something like not having an immunization bother her. I was a little disappointing, I guess."

Nick didn't look at her while she was speaking, but he heard the pain and anger in her voice. "How old were you?"  

"I was twelve."  

"Just in time for parties and dancing and dating, huh?"

"Just in time," she agreed with a throaty chuckle. "It was just as well anyway. I was sort of mousy and more interested in my books than in boys or dancing or dating."

"I'm surprised your parents didn't push you to get married and produce an heir to inherit all of this." He swept his hand wide, fighting a lump in his throat and the urge to hold her close. He wanted to soothe away that pain that he heard in her voice and give her all those years that she had lost.

She looked at the ground, not planning to tell him that she couldn't have children. "Well, they died when I was eighteen. I suppose they would’ve if I'd been a little older."

Nick looked up at the gray sky. "It's getting colder. I think we're in for some heavy snow."

She looked up as well. "I think you're right."

"So, can you walk? Or do I carry you?"

She turned her gaze on his face, looking at him carefully in the stark white light around them. She could see compassion in his eyes—maybe a trace of pity. Mostly there was an acceptance of her and her disability.

It curled inside of her and refused to budge when she tried to tell herself that it didn't matter. She didn't want his compassion. Certainly not his pity. She didn't need his acceptance.

That warm, fluttery feeling refused to go away. It made her smile when she didn't want to. It made her eyes mist over and her good leg feel as though it couldn't support her either. Slowly, warmth that had nothing to do with being inside or outside, was pervading her.

She stood up very slowly, careful of her bad leg. "I think I’d like to go now.”

He stood up beside her and took her arm, encouraging her to lean on him. "I was just waiting for you."

They walked, side by side, to the snowmobile. Nick helped her sit down on the wide seat.

"How does this work?" she asked.

"Would you like to try it?" He saw the light in her eyes and the excited parting of her lips. He’d learned a lot from Adam and Amber in the year he'd had them. He knew anticipation and yearning to do something when he saw it.

"Could I?"  

"I'll show you how." Five minutes later, after showing her the controls, Nick climbed on the back of the snowmobile behind Emilie and put his hands lightly on her waist.

She grinned and started the engine then pressed the accelerator. The sled roared across the snow. "This is great!" 

She took a turn quickly and Nick had to grab her with both arms to stay on the machine.

"Sorry!" A secret little voice said she really wasn't all
that
sorry. His arms were warm around her. She liked the feel of him up against her back.

"That's okay," he said loudly. "Just come back for me if I fall off."

Emilie revved the engine into a quick turn around the maze and Nick held her more tightly. Laughing, she went a little faster.

"Emilie" he remarked close to her ear, "if I didn't know better, I'd think you were
trying
to scare me."

"It's okay to admit you're scared, Nick," she told him. "It makes you human."

"Change places with me and we'll see who's human." He nipped at her ear after he spoke.

"
Owww
!" She let the snowmobile glide forward with a jump. "You bit me!"

He leaned forward, pushing himself so close against her that his legs were clamped on either side of hers. Then he stretched his arms across hers and put his hands over her hands on the controls. "Want to go real fast?"

Emilie screeched as he pushed the speed up even faster. The snow flew around them, dazzling crystals illuminated by the sun into diamond colors. He turned the snowmobile toward the hill at the back of the house, going down again toward the ridge that crested above the trees.

"Where are you going?" She was exhilarated and scared as she saw the ridge coming up quickly. If they hit the ridge at that speed they might crash.