End of the Innocence (32 page)

He didn’t say anything, but I could see he was not in a place to be open and honest about suggestions.

Taking a deep breath, I forged on. “Sit with us,” I said quickly. He gave me a confused look, and I explained. “Sit with Brad and Jennifer and all of us on the band hall steps for lunch. That way you aren’t alone, and you can show people you have friends.” He didn’t say anything, so I kept talking. “Because at first it sucked for Brad and me, but now we have this little group, and I’m betting there are more people out there who still think you’re a cool guy even after this.” Still nothing from him. “This doesn’t have to be the end of the world for you.”

“It is the end of the world for me,” he said expressionlessly. “It is the end of the world I lived in for eighteen years.”

“So then make a new one!” I urged him.

He laughed bitterly and looked away, dismissing me completely. “God! You don’t give up, do you?” He glared back at me, and I could see the pain in his eyes. “Why do you care? Why are you so on about this? I have been
nothing
but a dick to you since the very moment we met, and now you’re like my best friend. Why? What do you get out of this?”

Confused, I blinked a couple of times at him. I really didn’t understand the question. “I don’t get anything out of this,” I started to answer slowly. “I just want to help you.”

“Why? Because I’m a pathetic loser who needs help? Is that it, Kyle? Am I such a charity case that you’re going to try to nurse me back to health? Am I just some Adopt-a-Fag project you have to do to earn a Fag Scout merit badge? Am I so fucking weak that I look like I need help from a loser like you?” He was raging now, trying to cover the fact he was losing it.

“I don’t think you are weak at all, Kelly.” I kept my voice low and steady, trying not to show any emotion he could pick up on to amplify. “I just think you need a friend right now.”

“And you’re it?” he asked, kicking his chair back as he stood up. “You’re going to be my friend?” I nodded slowly. “Why? Why would I want to be your friend?” he demanded, angry tears running down his face.

I shrugged. “I don’t know. I was just offering.”

He wanted me to say more so he could attack it, but I had done this dance one too many times with my mom to take that bait. I just sat there and waited for his next attempt. “Do you honestly think I can walk back into that school after all this?” he asked. “You can’t be that stupid.”

“I don’t know, I am pretty stupid,” I said with no humor in my voice. “I know what you have gone through sucks, and the things people have done to you are bullshit, and I think you will get through it better if you have people standing next to you.”

“You think me standing by a pack of losers like you guys will even matter?”

“It’s better than standing alone,” I answered.

We stared at each other for almost a minute before he shook his head and looked away. “After everything I just said to you, you’d still want me to sit with you guys at lunch?”

Now I stood up. “I don’t give a fuck what you say to me, Kelly. I am not saying we need to be blood brothers. I’m saying I’m a person who is on your side. Not because you’re weak or because you’re down, but because what happened to you isn’t fair. Period. I would offer anyone who had been tortured like you have over Christmas break a place to eat lunch. Not out of pity, but in some small attempt to counterbalance the shittiness that is your life right now.”

He didn’t say anything, so I tried again. “So when you get to school tomorrow, stick with us. I promise you, it won’t be as bad as you think.”

He let out a laugh that sounded more like a sob as he picked up his chair and sat down. He looked up at me three times, and each time I thought he was going to say something, but he stopped himself and looked away. On the fourth try, he looked at me and gave me a strained smile. “You know, I can see what Brad sees in you.”

That took me back a few steps. “Is that a compliment? From you?”

“Don’t piss yourself, Pee Wee Herman. We aren’t picking out bridal patterns yet,” he said, sneering. “I just said I can see why he would go out with you now.”

“So sit with us.” I pleaded now. “It isn’t that bad.”

He sighed and looked down. I heard him mumble, “Yeah, it is,” but he looked back before I could comment on it and said, “If I say yes, will you leave me alone?”

“For tonight,” I said, smiling.

He rolled his eyes. “Fine. Yes.”

“You’ll do it?” He nodded. “For real?” He nodded again. “Because if you’re not convinced, I can explain to you the benefits of being in a crowd when it comes to—”

“Hey! Nerd boy!” he shouted at me, stopping me cold. “I said yes; don’t push it.”

“Awesome,” I said, trying not to get too excited. “So meet us in the parking lot before school? I’ll make sure the place next to Brad’s car is open.” I paused. “Do you need a ride instead? I mean, if you don’t want to take your truck….”

He held up a hand to stop me. “I don’t need a ride. And fine, save me a space next to Brad.”

I almost jumped up and hugged him, I was so happy, but I refrained because there was no way he would be okay with that. “Okay, so then before first period?” He nodded. “Promise?”

He held up his right hand and said, “May God strike me down if I am lying.”

We both looked up for a moment, waiting for a lightning bolt.

He sighed and asked me, “Convinced?”

I was and left before he could change his mind. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but I knew if we all worked on it, Kelly could get through the first day of school. I just knew it.

B
RAD

T
HAT
Monday, I did not want to wake up.

I just wanted to lie there and wish this Christmas break could continue forever. A lifetime of working at the sporting goods store, loving Kyle, and no school was about the closest to perfect I was going to get. It still looked like winter outside, and I just added that to the list of reasons I should not have to get up. The sky was a slate gray that looked like it was one massive cloudbank over the entire city.

“Brad, school,” my mom said, rapping on my door.

With an audible groan, I got out of bed.

I showered and dressed on autopilot as I wondered how bad today was going to be. Kyle had called me last night and told me his plan for Kelly and then asked me what I thought about it. I thought it was a horrible idea, but I told him I would back anything he wanted to do because I know that’s what he needed to hear. Kelly was poison, and his life was going to get much worse before it got better.

The part Kyle didn’t get was that all of this fallout wasn’t because Kelly got outed. It was because he had been a dick most of his life, and people were itching to pay him back. If everything that had happened to him was only about sexuality and coming out, then it would have blown over that week after the party, at least here in town. The Internet crap was just people looking for someone new to hate, and Kelly fit the bill nicely.

The vandalism of his stuff, the dildos, all of that came from the fact that more people in Foster disliked Kelly than liked him, and for the first time since, well, since forever, he was alone. Like a wounded lion, he had been left behind by his pride. The hyenas he had hunted his entire life could sense he was defenseless and were moving in for the kill. I felt bad about it, of course, but I was more worried about Kyle getting caught in the crossfire than I was about Kelly himself.

On one level, Kelly had brought this on himself. If I could help, I would, but Kyle was ready to go to the mat for him, and that scared me.

It also made me love Kyle even more, but that goes without saying.

I went over all this driving to his house and wondering if there was a way to get him to understand what I was thinking. Then I sighed when I realized that Kyle, no doubt, had thought of the same things already and just didn’t care. I pulled up in front of his house and honked twice because I knew if I went inside, I wouldn’t be able to keep my hands off him. We didn’t need to be late the first day back.

He walked out, and he looked perfect.

Robbie had given him some damn good-looking clothes, and I had to be honest, Kyle was wearing the shit out of them. Gone was the shaggy-headed nerd who had stalked the halls, invisible. In his place stood a sharp-looking, vest-wearing stud who took my breath away.

He waved to me as he walked to the car, and I could just stare in wonderment.

“What’s that look for?” he asked, closing the passenger door. “Do I have something on my face?” I nodded mutely. He went to look in the vanity mirror on the front visor, but I stopped him. “You have hotness all over you,” I said, leaning over to kiss him. He laughed and then kissed me back.

He held my hand as we drove to school, and it reminded me of the first day we went back after coming out when all we had was each other. Somehow it felt like that all over again, except this time it was Kelly who was alone, and all he had was us. And just like that, I understood why Kyle was fighting so hard.

“I love you,” I said to him before we got to school.

He chuckled and looked over at me. “What was that for?”

“What? I can’t just say I love you?” I asked, sounding like I was offended.

“Usually you have a reason,” he countered.

“Well, this time I just love you. So there,” I huffed.

“Make sure you park where there’s an empty space,” he reminded me as we turned into the parking lot.

I nodded and looked for two open parking spaces. I found a pair over by the history building and parked in one of them, opening my door and leaving it open so there was no way for someone to take the space next to me. “This good enough?” I asked him.

He leaned over and kissed me quickly. “You’re my knight in a letterman jacket.”

I got out and pulled my books from the backseat. They hadn’t moved since the Friday Christmas break started. I silently hoped I hadn’t left a sandwich in my backpack accidentally. Kyle started looking around the parking lot. “Do you see his truck?” he asked. “He might have changed his mind.”

“Dude, not everyone loves school like you,” I said, putting the pack down on my trunk. “We’re lucky if Kelly is even awake right now.”

“It’s the first day back,” he said, still searching the parking lot. “Who doesn’t show up early on the first day?”

“Everyone who doesn’t want to come back to school after two weeks of vacation,” I suggested as I cautiously opened the zipper.

He walked over and opened my pack up all the way. “I emptied it out the weekend of the party,” he said, sighing. “What if he doesn’t show up?”

I wanted to tell him, “I wouldn’t blame Kelly one bit for blowing off school,” but that would just upset Kyle even more. “Well, that’s up to his parents and him, isn’t it?” He didn’t like my answer, but he couldn’t argue with it.

“Let’s wait a little longer,” he said, looking around again.

“As you wish, Buttercup,” I said, quoting from one his favorite movies.

He looked back at me with a smile and replied, “I am no one’s fairy princess.”

“Tru dat,” I said, laughing at the look of annoyance on his face.

“Look,” he said, pointing. “Maybe Jennifer knows if he’s here.”

I looked over and saw Jennifer coming from the quad. She had her phone in her hand, and she looked like she was hurt, she was walking so slowly. Kyle waved at her, and she looked up and saw us. Something was wrong. I could tell from where we stood. She did not look normal. Halfway to us, I could see she was crying.

My stomach dropped, and I suspected something far, far beyond “wrong” had happened.

“Jennifer!” Kyle called out to her when he noticed the tears on her face. “What’s wrong?”

Jennifer got to us, and we could tell she was openly sobbing now.

“What happened?” Kyle asked, concern in his voice.

Jennifer looked over at me and shook her head subtly. Kyle didn’t even catch it as he tried to figure out what was wrong with her. I felt the air rush out of me, but I knew I had to be sure, had to know. I reached over and snatched her phone from her. She lunged after it, but she couldn’t move fast enough.

I almost dropped it when I read the text message.

“What’s wrong?” Kyle asked both of us now. “Brad?”

He looked at me, and I looked away as I tried to comprehend the words I’d just read. He looked to Jennifer and then back to me. “Where’s Kelly?” I couldn’t look at him, and he asked again. “Brad, where is Kelly? Is he not coming?” He sounded like a little kid suddenly as his mind began to race toward a conclusion he couldn’t begin to accept.

I forced myself to move past my shock. “We need to go,” I said to him, trying to put some urgency in my words. “Come on.” I tried to maneuver him toward the car. “Let’s go talk somewhere.”

He pulled away from me. “What’s it say on the phone?” he asked, terror in his voice.

Phone? I looked down and was surprised to see I was still holding Jennifer’s phone. I tried to hand it back to her, and Kyle tried to snag it from me. Some part of me must have been expecting his reaction because I pulled my hand away. “Brad, what’s it say?” he pleaded. He looked at Jennifer. “Where’s Kelly?”

I looked at her, and she wiped her eyes.

“Guys, where is Kelly?” he asked, already knowing the answer.

“Let’s just go,” I said to him again.

He pulled away from me. “Where is Kelly?” he demanded.

“He’s not coming,” I said cryptically. “Come on, Kyle…,” I tried again.

He lunged at me and grabbed the phone. I tried to pull it back from him, but I wasn’t ready for the speed and power he used to pull it away from me.

He looked down at the screen before I could stop him.

My heart sank as his eyes went over the text Jennifer had got from her dad.

Dad: School is going to be cancelled. Kelly shot himself last night. Go straight home.

I watched as Kyle let the phone drop from his hand.

K
YLE

I
DROPPED
the phone like it was a snake.