Envisioning Hope (3 page)

"Hope,
it's not like that."

Now
I was in defense mode. It was like that! We were supposed to be able to talk to
each other about things like this. That's what we did, we helped each other
through times like this…good and bad times. Best friends did that for each
other. Then, I realized something that almost made my temper go through the
roof.

"She
was sitting with me just the other day having coffee as we planned our
anniversary party," I said, keeping my eyes on my plate. I didn't want to
lose my composure as my heart filled with hurt and sadness. Too bad my words
didn't come out that way.

"Hope?"

"I
don't want to talk about it, Charlie."

"Honey,
you're making this a bigger deal than it should be. She was going to tell you.
She's just having issues. They have been trying for a long time, a lot longer
than we had. Now, here we are, and she's starting to feel like she's incapable
of giving Bobby what he deserves…a family."

Now
I felt like shit. This wasn't about me. Yeah, I was hurt that she didn't come
to me, but I could see where she was coming from. I couldn't imagine having
those obstacles resting heavily on my shoulders while pretending daily that
everything was fine and life was perfect. If what Charlie was saying was true,
she had to be close to breaking… that much weight on you daily could only break
you down so far before you crumbled. I made a mental note to take her out to
lunch to discuss the distance that was forming between us.

I
didn't smile, but I understood what Charlie was saying. I nodded once and
handed Sawyer another cracker.

*
* *

"So,
Bobby and I made an appointment with a specialist," Libby said as I
brought the water bottle up to my mouth for a swig. I looked down at the lady
who was painting a French manicure on my toes to match my nails I had just
gotten done for tonight's events.

It
had been two weeks and my and Charlie's anniversary party was tonight.

I
was thrilled with the news that Libby and Bobby were going to go see a
specialist. With as much as they were going through, they deserved to be
blessed with a baby… even two or three.

"That's
wonderful, Libs! If you need anything, let me know. I'm here for you," I
said as I grabbed her hand, cautious not to touch her fingers that were just
painted blood red.

Before
our appointment we had decided to go shopping so I could pick out an outfit for
tonight's party. I found one and it was amazing. I also ended up snagging a
kickass pair of strapless heels that matched perfectly. After shopping, Libby
and I grabbed a bite to eat, giving us a chance to talk about all that had been
going on personally and professionally. From what we talked about, we needed to
have this chat; she had noticed the wall being erected as well. I asked her why
she never said anything and her answer almost cut me to the bone. "It's
hard, Hope, seeing you play and laugh with Sawyer knowing that something's
wrong with me. I can't even carry one longer than three months and seeing the
disappointment on Bobby's face every time I had to tell him that the baby was
gone…"

She
didn't say another word, she just shook her head before taking a drink of her
white wine. "I finally quit telling him I was pregnant," she
confessed, and it broke my heart. "This time, we had made it past that
point…I called it the death week. Pretty sick, huh?" she asked
rhetorically as she raised her glass back up to her mouth. I didn't say a word,
I allowed her to get out what she needed to get out. "I thought this time
would be different. I actually felt sick, which I had never felt before. Guess
that's not really a sign that your pregnancy's gonna make it."

I
couldn't take anymore. Seeing my best friend, my sister, in so much pain was
too much for me to handle. "Libby…" I whispered. Suddenly, she firmly
set her glass down. "Don't do that, Hope," Libby said as she peered
through angry eyes. Confusion filled me as to why she was so angry about me
caring. I didn't get to say anything because she beat me to the punch. "Don't
feel sorry for me. I don't want your pity. I need your support, not your pity."
I bit back tears and just nodded my head. I hated seeing her and Bobby go
through all this pain knowing there was nothing I could do to change the
circumstance.

Now
that we had discussed that, I needed to change the subject. I brought up some
new designs that we hadn't had a chance to talk about yet. We ended up spending
an hour discussing work over several glasses of white wine and decided to make
this a weekly occurrence. If we couldn't do it every week, we wouldn't go
longer than every two weeks without having lunch.  I couldn't allow that wall
to be rebuilt just as we were in full demolition mode. It had been so long
since we had found the time to sit down and really chat, I treasured every
moment with her.

My
mind went back to tonight's festivities. I couldn't believe Charlie and I had
been married five years today. Even more, I couldn't wait for Charlie to see
the gift I was having my dad bring to the party for him.

He
had always wanted a Mercedes. With all the extra work I had been doing, I had
decided to put the extra commission money away in another savings account and
used it to purchase just that. He deserved it. Charlie worked so hard to
support us as a family, it was my turn to give back to him.

As
Libby drove to my house, I pulled the brochure from my purse. Looking at the
picture of the car that would be my eternal get out of jail free card, I felt a
bit anxious at how Charlie would react. "He'll like it." Libby's
remark broke through my thoughts and I saw her glimpse over at the picture.  "He
might bug the shit out of you to find out how you paid off a brand new Mercedes
in one lump sum, but remember, you can always plead the fifth!" We both
laughed and I looked down again. The two door convertible sports car was
elegant and fast, as I found out as I went to test drive it. I smiled at the
thought that maybe one weekend we could leave Sawyer with my parents and drive
down to the coast for some one on one, Hope and Charlie time.

Pulling
into the house, I said goodbye to Libby and went inside. I still had a full
list of things that needed to be done before tonight, so I set about crossing
off errands and calls to make. I had reserved a limo to pick us up. Since we
would be driving the Mercedes back, I didn't want to worry about an extra car
and how to get it home. I'd also made the decision not to get a babysitter for
Sawyer. Since this was going to be a family affair, everyone would want to see
him as much as they would want to see us.

Finally,
after a few hours, all was done. Charlie and Sawyer's suits were laid out on my
bed and I was praying that nothing would disturb them before tonight.
Everything was set and I was determined to make this night a night to remember.

Chapter 3

The
restaurant couldn't have been a better choice. The back banquet room was just
enough space for our family and friends to come together. They shared this day
with us five years ago, so we wanted them with us tonight to celebrate the
years we've had together.

My
dad stood and cleared his throat as my mother delicately hit her water goblet
with a spoon, attempting to gain everyone's attention. I mumbled to Charlie
under my breath as I saw my dad take one last gulp of wine before he spoke.

"I
just want to make a toast to my daughter, Hope, and her husband, my son in law…"
he said with a smile on his face as he gleamed with pride. "…Charlie. We
have been extremely blessed by having him become a part of our family and we
couldn't have asked for a better husband for our little girl if we had picked
him…" He paused and looked down at my mother who stared back at him, eyes
full of love and acceptance for his peculiar and somewhat embarrassing remarks.
"Well, as the kids would say these days, picked him off of the internet."
The whole room erupted in laughter at my dad's failed attempt at humor.
Suddenly, the smile left his face and I could see that he was becoming serious.
"Charlie, man to man, I want to thank you for showing my daughter what a
true husband is all about. You have given us our wonderful grandson, Sawyer,
and we thank the good Lord above for you. To Hope and Charlie!"

"To
Hope and Charlie!" The whole room erupted in an echo as glasses clinked
all around the room. I looked over at my husband and leaned in, placing a small
kiss against his lips. I raised my glass to my dad and then took a sip as I
felt the tears build behind my eyes.

I
saw my husband begin to rise and knew if he was going to give a speech as sweet
as my dad's, I wasn't going to be able to hold back the tears. I felt him grab
my hand and the tears began to prick at the back of my eyes.

I
wasn't going to make it through this dry.

I
looked up at Charlie as he began to speak.

"I
really wasn't planning on giving a toast, but since I'm here…" He reached
into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper that was written on. He had
prepared a speech all along. The room, once again, erupted in laughter at his
wittiness.

"My
dearest Hope, over the last couple of days I have been trying to find a way to
express to you my gratitude for not only becoming my wife, but for giving me the
most amazing gift that anyone could give me; my son. There is nothing in this
world that I could ever give you that would even begin to say how much that
means to me. So, I give you the only thing I can that is even close to that;
Me." Charlie lowered his eyes down to me and wiped the tear from my cheek
as he continued, "I give myself to you again…whole-heartedly, over and
over. Never questioning, never hesitating. You have given me a piece of you
that I see every day through Sawyer and that piece is my never ending serenity.
You have always had a talent for unmasking my deepest emotions and now, in
front of all of our friends and family, I humbly hand them to you with sincere
reverence. You are my meaning of life. You make me the man that I am and the man
that I will be in years to come. I am in awe of how much love you convey in
everything you do for me and our family and how you do it so selflessly. Happy
anniversary, wife. May we have a lifetime of five year anniversaries. I love
you, babe."

I
couldn't take it anymore. I stood up and wrapped my arms around my husband. I
firmly pressed my lips to Charlie's without caring who was around or what they
thought. I loved my husband and what his words said to me. I wanted to show him
my appreciation. Breaking apart, I couldn't find my voice, so I whispered, "Love
you, husband."

I
heard glasses clinking again as we went to sit back down. Libby stood up,
quickly wiping at her cheeks that were now mascara stained. I mentally
high-fived myself for wearing waterproof mascara this evening. I wasn't sure if
I could take anymore speeches from my friends and family, I was about ready to
break down into real ugly crying as it was. I watched as Bobby reached for a
laptop in the corner and ask some guests to move their tables to the side. I
looked at Charlie wondering if he knew what was going on. He didn't answer me
verbally, just shrugged his shoulders.

"Fortunately,
I do not have to follow behind that speech," Libby yelled so that all the
room could hear her soft voice. "When it comes to words, I think Charlie
has me beat in the articulation department," she continued on. "Instead
of saying what would be nothing but a repeat of what Charlie and Dad said, I
figured I'd make a video of what these five years that Bob and I have had the
honor of sharing with the two of you have meant to the both of us. We love you
both so very much and are so thankful that we could be a part of your lives."

With
that, the lights dimmed and Bryan Adam's voice started singing
"When
You Love Someone.
" The title page came on as "
Charlie and
Hope: A Love Story."
As the first slide appeared, it was a baby
picture of Charlie. The worn orange color of the old photo dated him and the
jean bell bottoms didn't help in guessing his age. The next one was a baby
picture of me. The Polaroid picture made me laugh as I saw my mom's old
hairstyle and my dad wearing the short golf shorts that once were in style. The
next slide was one in elementary school. Charlie had lost his four front teeth
and oohs and awes could be heard throughout the room.  Next, was a picture from
junior high, Libby and I wearing our blue jean jackets covered in mini pins
that held small pictures of the latest teen hottie. Our hair stood about four
inches off of our head and we would use half a bottle of hairspray to get it to
stay that way. We both laughed hard at seeing that picture.

Next
was Charlie and I out on a date. As I recalled that memory, it seemed like it
was during summer vacation. Of course, my hair was poufy and permed and Charlie
had a skater's bowl cut. The picture depicted what we knew in our hearts:
young, teenage love. Charlie standing over me and me looking up at him as we
both smiled at each other. The next picture flashed across the wall, the two of
us at the lake. Sitting in the back of the boat, Charlie had his arm around me
as he pulled me close to him. I laid my head on his shoulder as we looked at
the camera. I instantly grabbed Charlie's hand as I watched the next slide come
on the wall. There I was, looking down at Charlie as he was down on one knee,
asking me to marry him. My mouth was wide open with one hand covering it as he
slid the ring on my other hand. The whole memory flooded my mind. Charlie's
smile beamed as the words of his proposal flashed through my mind. Aside from
my wedding day and the birth of Sawyer, that was the happiest day of my life.