Equilibrium (4 page)

T
he shrill sound of the iPhone alarm interrupted my dream. I tried to remember what it was about–perhaps nothing–I couldn’t remember.  With my eyes still firmly shut to buy a few more minutes of relaxed bliss, I reached over and turned off the alarm. I felt disoriented. Was it the weekend or a school day?

As I lay in bed, the throbbing in my head became more distinctive and disturbing scenes started flashing through my mind–Kellan, being blindfolded, blacking out. I froze; I stopped breathing, holding my breath to remain totally still. This wasn’t me waking up from a relaxed night’s sleep.

I felt for the blindfold, it was gone. However, the thought of opening my eyes to face whatever was around filled me with fear, so I shut them even tighter. I could hear footsteps approaching and I shook in fear.

“Arizona, wake up! It’s time for school.”

Dad! I opened by eyes and saw him turning around to walk out my room.

“Dad!”

“Arizona?” he replied curiously, as he turned around briefly before making his way off again.

“Dad!” I exclaimed once again, unable to get anything else out.

“Arizona, I have to go,” he said impatiently. “Get up and head to school. I’m in a rush and won’t be back until Wednesday, possibly Thursday. I’m heading to Atlantic City. Bye.”

“Dad,” I whispered as he walked off, wondering if I was dreaming. I heard him get into his car and drive off. As I sat up in bed and looked around, one thing became clear. I was back in Arizona Stevens land.

I was back in my own room. By that, I mean my room in Princeton. This was beyond bizarre. I sat up in my bed and looked around. I dangled my right leg from the bed and gently rubbed the sky blue carpet with my toes. It felt warm and so much more
homey
than the stone floor I had become used to in California. I lay back down and inhaled the familiar aroma of my bedroom–mainly sweaty workout clothes–and was immediately comforted. I closed my eyes and broke into a smile. I’m fairly sure it was a goofy kind of a smile. I could feel the corners of my lips almost touching my earlobes. The image made me giggle. I lay in my bed, in my room in Princeton, giggling, feeling totally and utterly happy. I was home! The nightmare of the last few weeks was over. Phew!

The throbbing of my head interrupted my feeling of bliss and brought me back to reality, though
reality
was a hard word to define at the
moment.

Reality. When I thought about it, the most difficult thing to accept was that all of it was
real
–every second of it. My life here was real, but so was my life in California.
Real
. The combination of the two seemed unreal, but it wasn’t. My head hurt too much to try to dissect this any further, but my thoughts kept slipping back to the one aspect of my reality that I treasured the most–Kellan. I could feel my eyes starting to tear up as I gave in to the realization that Kellan was not part of
this
reality, the reality here in Princeton. He didn’t exist here.

I sat up and grabbed what turned out to be a dirty sock and wiped the tears away before the smell hit my nose, and then I threw it to the far side of the room. I watched it fly across the room, over a mess of clothes scattered on the floor before it hit the
NJ Devils
poster on the wall and fell to the floor, landing on top of a pile of clothes that may or may not have been clean–hard to tell from here. I looked around the messy state of my room, which once had been comforting, but now made me feel agitated. Where would I be able to find some Tylenol in this disaster? I got up and gingerly made my way to the bathroom, carefully avoiding the various items on the floor.

The smell hit me the moment I opened the bathroom door, causing me to gasp with revulsion. Ever since our cleaning lady had resigned (apparently the house was too messy to be able to clean), the house had gone to pot. I held my breath as I turned on the tap and went to open the mirrored cabinet (which is where we normally kept the Tylenol), but stopped and stared at my reflection.

Barbie Arizona. 

I opened the mirrored doors getting rid of the out-of-place Barbie image and grabbed the Tylenol, snapping open the cap and washing down two capsules with water that I gathered in my cupped fist. Not wanting to catch a glimpse of myself again, I left the mirrored doors ajar and went back into my bedroom. As I sat down on the bed with my chin resting in my palms, I stared blankly at the walls. I was going to be late for school, but I simply couldn’t head to school looking like
this
. I was relieved that I had been lying under the covers when my dad had awakened me. At least I didn’t have to explain this hair away to him without warning.

So, I was now Barbie Arizona in Stevens land. I shut my eyes trying to clear my mind to figure out what the heck was going on. Kellan kept flashing through my mind. Kellan trying to hold on to me as I was being pulled toward a light. Then a sudden darkness.

A cave? No, not a cave, it had been a storage room of some kind. Maybe a basement storage room. We’d not had time to work it all out, before I blanked. I remembered waking up in darkness, numb and terrified. That feeling of terror had not subsided even when I realized that Kellan was there with me. The feeling had intensified and I feared for the two of us. Memories came flooding back in images of darkness, musty smells and fear. As Kellan and I had looked for an escape from the darkness a door had opened and I had felt a pull and then nothing, only darkness and silence.

The blaring sound from my iPhone startled me and I felt around for it.

“
A
, where are you?”

It took me a moment to place the voice. I hadn’t glanced at the caller id before I’d answered. It was Monica, one of my very best friends and my regular ride to school.

“Arizona, what’s up? Talk to me! Why haven’t you been answering your texts or calls? You missed going to the movies. I came by to pick you up, but there was no one at your house. Where have you been? Did you go to hockey mini camp after all? I thought you decided not to.”

“Hey,
M
. I’m fine. Well, maybe not totally, my head’s throbbing. I’m going to cut, cover for me?” That was code for
call the school office, pretend you’re my mom and tell them I’m ill
.

“Sure. And I’ll pop by your house after school. You have some ‘splaining to do.”

No kidding, I thought to myself. “Great, see you later.”

Well, that was one thing taken care of. I felt overwhelmed, almost numb, to the point where all I could do was push myself to go through the motions–or not.  If I tried to get a handle on this–if that was even possible–I might go raving mad. I would probably start throwing stuff around and putting dents in walls. That would mean a trip to the psych ward again, but perhaps that’s what I needed? I couldn’t bear the thought of that, so I bit down on my lower lip and struggled to keep my cool. My teeth pierced my lip and the taste of the salty drops of blood journeyed my mind back right into the darkness where Kellan and I had been imprisoned.

A sense of dark desperation engulfed me once again and I struggled to breathe. I needed to see Kellan, to feel him. What had happened to him? Had he been left behind? Had he been transported like I had? Where was he? I had to find a way of contacting him. I knew he would be impossible to contact by phone, but I tried anyway. There was no answer, as expected, so I tried Mom, Rupert and Harry. Totally pointless, they couldn’t be contacted. They were in another dimension, in the past. There would be no point calling the cops, they’d just assume I was crazy. I struggled to come up with any sensible ideas.

What about Ames? Larry had mentioned someone who worked at this end of the portal. I
must
have been transported through it somehow. I closed my eyes and tried to remember what he’d said. I couldn’t, for the life of me, remember. This was so frustrating. I could only assume that calling Ames would be a total waste of time, but I tried anyway.

“Ames Research, how may I direct your call?”

“Could you put me through to someone at the October Project?”

“Do you have a name? I don’t have an October Project on our list.”

“Could you try Larry Fox?”

“There is no listing by that name either.”

“Could you try Olivia Darley or Stevens?”

“Ma’am, she’s not listed either.”

I could feel myself welling up and struggled to remain calm. I’d no idea what to do or say.

“Do you have a bulletin board, or are you able to send out a mass email to everyone who works there?”

“Ma’am, I can’t, but I can have someone from our customer service department contact you for assistance.”

“Thank you so much,” I said gratefully and left her my name and cell number, not feeling particularly hopeful. I guess I’d have to try to make it down to Ames myself and figure this out. In the meantime I could only hope that Kellan had been set free, imagining anything else was unbearable. I gave myself a shake and shouted for Gertrude.

“Gertrude, foodie time,” I hollered. I waited for the little paw steps and the frantic leap into my bed, but there was none. The house was quiet. Could Gertrude still be in Darley land? I missed her. Gertrude is the love of my life, after Kellan. She is my five-year-old Chihuahua. She looks more like a Jack Russell Terrier than a Chihuahua, though. Where was she? I looked at my calendar. It was June 8
^th
, 2009. I had missed around two days here, but I had been in Darley land for a few weeks. How did that work? I guess it had something to do with how the portal had been set. It must have been reset before bringing me back through. So, here in Steven’s world, I had taken my SAT’s, blanked and woken up two days later–a blond. In those two days, I had spent a few weeks in California, with a new dad, a new brother, and I had fallen in love. Bizarre. I needed to make sense of it all, or at least try to make a timeline of what I’d been through. I got a piece of paper and started writing.

Two days ago, on Saturday, here in Princeton, I woke up early, inhumanly so, to take the SAT’s for the umpteenth time to try to improve my dismal scores. Dad had driven me to Princeton High and dropped me off in front of the building. I had taken the test, not feeling any more positive about it than all those other times. In fact, I had the distinct feeling that I had done worse. After the test, I had chatted with my two best friends, Ariele and Monica, outside the building waiting for Dad to pick me up. The three of us have been friends forever. We look alike–think pre-blond Arizona–usually fairly messy, wearing our sports gear. Although, Ariele is kind of stunning with her green eyes and chestnut curls. She got picked up first–she was moving to California–and I remember Monica needing to head off. I had been left by myself, as usual, Dad was always late.

The next thing I remembered was waking up in my mom’s car in California. There was a big blank in my memory between waiting for my dad to pick me up in Princeton and me waking up in California. Not only had I woken up in a different place, but I had also woken up in the past–eight months in the past.

I had woken up BLOND! And a cheerleader! Everyone seemed to know me as Arizona
Darley
.

I trembled as I remembered the confusion, fear and anger I had felt.  I was desperate to keep my emotions in check, fearful that my mom would send me back to the psychiatrist at the slightest hint of
odd behavior
. I had felt so lost trying to mingle into my new life as if I belonged in it. I had felt like such a fraud.

Every time I’d been faced with a new situation I had clenched my jaws, swallowed my surprise and perfected a poker face. However, each time I did this, the aftershock left me numb and a little bit more emotionally drained than before.

I had spent a few weeks in California like this, pretending to belong while I searched for answers–wondering how and why I had suddenly been transplanted into a new setting. Of course, it had to be my mom’s fault, the oh-so-mad physicist, Olivia. Mom’s in her forties, light-brown hair and brown eyes. Totally into fashion and stuff, we never did connect. The insane woman had built a portal–yes a
portal!
–and transported me through it to another dimension. A time-travel portal, eh? And, wait-for-it, just to be together with her new man! Rupert. Seriously? This was beyond warped, there had to be more to it.

Anyway, somehow, I had been thrown into a new dimension where I had a brother and a new dad. There were still so many unanswered questions about what had happened to me. None of it made sense. If I had just been transported, how come everyone there knew me already? How come I had a
life
there? I had apparently lived there for eight years, as blond- monstrosity Arizona Darley. I couldn’t have lived in two different places at the same time, could I? Mom said something about transporting me through eight years ago, not now. She couldn’t explain what was going on at the moment.

My head still hurt. I put down my pen and paper, and made my way to the kitchen to make myself some coffee. Here was another disgusting mess, dirty cups and sink full of dishes. I cleaned a mug, made some strong coffee and went back to my room. I sat down in my once comforting room and felt utterly empty. I needed to talk to Dad. I called him.

“Arizona?”

“Dad, when are you going to be home?”

“Not sure, I’m heading to AC after work, possibly be back on Wednesday, like I said before. Do you have any money in your account? I may need you to transfer some over to mine.”

“I don’t, Dad. I actually need you to give me money for groceries. We don’t seem to have anything in the house,” I said frustrated. His gambling was such a pain, we never had any money. When he did get paid, it all went into his favorite past time.

“Well, it will have to wait. I’ll see you in a few days,” he said and cut the call.

I called him back. “Dad, where’s Gertrude?”

“I don’t know, Arizona. Gertrude is your responsibility.”

“I know, Dad. When was the last time you saw her?”

“I really don’t know. Saturday, maybe? I really have to go now,” he said, and turned off his phone.