Esrever Doom (Xanth) (17 page)

“And you’re a normal man.”

“I’m a Mundane who is dreaming.”

“You are real to me.”

She remained uncertain of her acceptance. Normal men were wary of her. He needed to prove he wasn’t. “Zosi, you kissed me once. Now it’s my turn.” He put his arms around her, brought her close, and kissed her firmly on the mouth. She was surprisingly warm and accommodating. He had done it as a demonstration, but it felt like more.

“Thank you,” she said. “I think I needed that.”

Kody turned to resume walking, and saw a pair of sea creatures swimming toward them. They came up to the edge of the path, turned about, and used their flippers to draw up twin skirts Kody hadn’t realized they were wearing. Then he found himself sitting on the path, and the creatures were gone.

“What happened?” he asked dazedly.

“You were panty-flashed by two man-a-tease that caught you off guard,” Zosi said. “You freaked. I had to cover your eyes.”

“And stop me from falling across the line,” Kody said. “You saved me.”

Her laugh was slightly strained. “Well, I had to, after you kissed me.”

“Nevertheless, I am grateful.”

They continued along the path. It led directly to the castle, which was a massive, forbidding structure atop a bleakly bare mountain. It had either a monstrous moat, or was somehow rising from a dreary lake despite its elevation. Fortunately the path had a thin causeway across the water to the main gate.

“We have found the right path,” he said. “We’ll wait for the others to join us.”

“Yes.”

There was a silence. “Are you being doubtful again?” he asked her.

“Not exactly.”

“What does that mean?”

She closed her eyes and spoke as if forcing it out with great effort. “It means I’m getting a crush on you. I don’t know how to handle it. Zombies don’t have sieges of emotion.”

“Oh, my.”

“I shouldn’t have told you,” she said, alarmed. “Now you’ll be wary of me too.”

He took her hand. “It’s not that, Zosi. I like you, and think you are a worthy person. But the moment my Quest is done, I will wake, and be gone from Xanth. You don’t want to waste your emotion on a dreamer.”

“And I’ll be a full zombie again, and not care.”

“We have no future together, regardless.”

“No future,” she agreed wistfully.

Kody discovered that he could not hurt her, even by being realistic. “But bleep it, as the saying goes here, we do have a present, however temporary it may be. We can make something of it.”

She gazed at him longingly. “But Yukay and Naomi want you too. You don’t want them mad at you.”

“I don’t,” he agreed. “So I guess our present is right now, this minute, and not hereafter. Come here.”

“Secret love?”

“I guess so, sneaky as that sounds.”

“It will do.” She came to him, and they embraced and kissed. Kody felt more than a little appreciation of her. She really was a nice girl, and they had a basis for understanding. And her kisses were remarkably sweet.

But then they had to separate, lest they be discovered. They forced the subject to innocuous things, and waited for the others.

In due course the others arrived. “Our path led to a dreadful gulf,” Yukay reported. “Had we not been careful, we could have fallen in and been lost.” The two women barely glanced at Zosi, and Kody, now sensitized, saw the truth of her concern. They hardly regarded her as a person, let alone competition.

“Ours led to a marvelous park where everyone wanted to help us,” Ivan said. “They had the best intentions, but we would have had to step across the line to join them. Zap warned me back more than once.”

“Squawk,” the griffin agreed.

“So we outmaneuvered the devious path,” Kody said. “Now we can tackle the castle.”

They mounted the path to the formidable front gate. There was an armed guard. “Begone, intruders,” he demanded.

“We would like to see Princess Eve,” Yukay said.

“Wouldn’t we all,” the guard said derisively. “Now go away before I run you through and hurl you into the lake.”

Kody considered the guard. He looked brutally competent. He probably could and would do as he threatened. This was, after all, Hades.

“Now I remember something else,” Yukay said. “Only music fazes the minions of Hades. Anyone here a musician?”

“I’m not,” Ivan said. “But maybe I can make a one-string guitar.” He fished in a pocket and found a loose thread. He focused on it and it became thicker, until it resembled a guitar string. Then he found a curved branch on the path and strung the string across it.

It did not look like much of anything, let alone a musical instrument.

“Anybody here know how to play a guitar?” Ivan inquired, holding it forth.

Yukay stepped up and took it. She put her left hand up where the string lay close to the wood, and pressed on it to adjust the tone. Her right hand plucked the string.

Loud, lovely music burst forth. “Stop!” the guard cried, putting his hands to his ears. “I can’t stand it!”

“Then get the bleep out of our way,” Naomi said. “We’re coming in.”

Just like that they were inside the castle.

Yukay handed the guitar back to Ivan. “Thank you.”

“I had no idea you could play like that,” he said.

“I can’t. It’s a one-shot thing.”

“I don’t understand.”

“My talent is to do anything effortlessly as long as I never tried it before and don’t think about it.”

He shook his head. “It’s some talent.”

“Thank you. But I can’t rely on it. I need to find a better way to manage my life, because I can’t depend on my talent to lead me to fame and fortune.”

“Well, hello!”

They looked. It was a dark and lovely princess. Kody could tell by her crown, and the fact that she looked just like Princess Dawn, apart from the hair and eyes. “Princess Eve, we presume,” he said.

“Indeed. Who are you folk, and what brings you here to Hades?”

They hastily introduced themselves. “We were looking for a distant place to compare notes, for our Quest, and did not realize it was Hades,” Kody said. “Then we had difficulty getting out of it, so hope you will help us.”

“I will,” Eve agreed. “But first I want to learn all about your Quest.”

Soon they were seated in a very nice family room quite unlike the bleakness outside the castle, sampling refreshments. “So now Zosi is seeking a way to restore the zombie population of Xanth, and I am trying to zero in on the location of the source of the Curse. I realize that does not affect you here in Hades, but in Xanth proper it’s quite a nuisance.”

“Very little affects me here in Hades,” Eve said. “My husband treats me well, and I have a fine son. But I must confess that I miss the excitement of Xanth life, even if it does mean watching out for dragons.”

“But you have such a wonderful castle here,” Yukay said.

“And one in Xanth,” Eve agreed. “But I envy my sister Dawn.”

“Envy her?” Yukay said. “But you’re the Mistress of Hades.”

“True. I married a Dwarf Demon for status, and got it. Dawn married a walking skeleton for love. She got the better deal.”

“Surely you can visit her when you choose.”

“Surely I can, and do. It only reminds me of the difference in our situations. Gone are the days when we were innocent girls teasing stray men.” She smiled reminiscently. “She would flash her top, and I my bottom. Sometimes we reversed it. That really confused them.” The upper section of her royal gown turned momentarily translucent, showing the shrouded outline of her breasts. Then the lower section, showing the outline of dark panties. Neither Ivan nor Kody quite freaked out, but both got a fair jolt. “But of course I don’t do that anymore.”

“Of course,” Kody agreed faintly, knowing that she had deliberately pulled her punches.

“I must show off my son Plato,” Eve continued. “He is three years old now, and his magic talent is manifesting. That’s a problem.”

“A problem?” Yukay asked.

“His talent is reanimating the dead. He constantly seeks dead things to bring back to life, but he is too young to do it right, and they can be pretty messy.”

Kody got an idea, but held it back for the moment. “Yes, we must meet Plato.”

Eve snapped her fingers, making a little spark. Soon a dusky demon maid brought a little boy. He had dark hair, like his mother, and a piercing gaze. “Say hello to our guests, Plato,” Eve said.

“Aw, do I have to?”

Now it was her eyes that emitted the sparks. “Yes.”

The child quickly fell in line. “Hello, Guests. Got any dead things?”

“Not at the moment,” Kody said. “But maybe we can find some.”

“Not in the house!” Eve said.

Kody realized there was a problem. Eve was in certain respects a normal housewife; she did not want stinking things in the house. Especially not-living ones. But the boy would need to practice properly to develop his talent.

Kody followed up on his idea. He realized that their seemingly coincidental arrival in Hades was nothing of the sort. They had solid reason to be here. “Plato, what do you animate?” he asked.

“Bugs,” the boy replied. “Once a dead mouse I found.”

“It was awful,” Eve said. “The thing was old and rotten. When it started running around the kitchen floor I swept it up and dumped it in the garbage.”

“It was a zombie mouse,” Kody said.

“Yes. Sickening.”

Zosi sat up straight. She opened her mouth.

“Could you take him outside, where animated dead mice would do no harm?” Kody asked Eve, preempting anything Zosi might say.

“Outside the castle is Hades. Everything is dead and active. Nothing for him to animate.”

“I understand you have a castle in Xanth. You could have a maidservant take him outside.”

“The last one freaked out so badly she refused to work there anymore. The same with the manservants.” Eve smiled ruefully. “They say it’s not the same as panty-freaks.”

“Not at all the same,” Ivan agreed.

Kody followed up on his notion. “But if you found a person in Xanth who did not freak at the notion, she could take Plato out for invaluable practice developing his talent.”

“Oh, my, yes!” Eve agreed. “But who is there?”

“A zombie might do it.”

“Absolutely not! I will not have a zombie tracking rot into my house. Anyway, Xanth is getting dangerously short of zombies. They would not be able to spare any.”

“In the rush of introductions you may have missed something,” Kody said. “Zosi is a zombie.”

“No, she’s a living woman. I can tell, because she’s immune to my talent.”

“She is a zombie, reanimated so she can try to solve the problem of diminishing zombies. Princess Eve, I believe your son could be the next Zombie Master.”

Eve paused, assembling this in her mind. “Oh, my! I believe you are right. I think I didn’t want to see it before. I mean, zombies?”

“It is surely a worthy talent,” Kody said. “And severely needed in Xanth now. There will be an honored place for Plato, as there was for the former Zombie Master. All he needs is to grow up and perfect his talent. Zosi could even take him to visit Castle Zombie, where they would surely welcome him.”

“You are right again, of course,” Eve agreed. She looked at Zosi. “You would be willing to do this?”

Zosi’s mouth worked unsuccessfully on several words before she got some that functioned. “I—I will return to being a full zombie when my Quest is done. The thought of remaining alive for an extended period appalls me.”

“We could arrange for a very good life for you,” Eve said persuasively. “As the nanny, no the governess, of a Demon prince you would have phenomenal authority and respect. No one would question you, and you would be welcome at any royal castle.”

“I know,” Zosi said. “But continued life would be torture for me. I just—just can’t—”

“How about a trial run?” Kody said. “You could take the boy out in Xanth for a few hours, and we’ll go with you. See how you feel about it then.”

Zosi shook her head. “I don’t think—”

“That such a trial will hurt,” Yukay concluded for her. Yukay was smart enough to catch on to the issues at play. Zosi needed to be persuaded.

“Oh, that would be so nice!” Eve said. “I have an important social presentation this afternoon I must attend. It would be ideal if you took Plato today.”

“Yes,” Zosi said, looking woeful. It was obvious that she feared getting committed to something she did not want to commit to. Kody understood perfectly, but had to try to forge a compromise.

“I didn’t mean for you to trust your son to us right now,” Kody said. “You hardly know any of us.”

Eve looked at him. “You’re not from Xanth.”

“No, I’m a dreamer from Mundania.”

“Folk can generally be trusted in Xanth. I know it’s different in Mundania.”

“Yes,” Kody agreed, privately amazed.

“Besides which, I heard from my sister Dawn during an interstice. She says you’re all right.”

Kody spread his hands. Dawn did know.

It was not long before they were back on the path, this time with a pass for the ferry across the river. Plato ran gleefully ahead, yelling “Booo!” at the apparitions. When he teased a horrific monster with a single finger, Zosi stepped in, cautioning him about manners. He frowned, but obeyed.

There were no splits in the path. Soon they reached the river. “Hey, Funnyman!” Plato called. “Get your fat barge over here!”

Zosi intervened, horrified. “You mean Ferryman. And it’s not a barge, it’s a raft.”

“Yeah, sure,” the boy agreed reluctantly.

The raft hove into view, poled by the dread Ferryman, the Dwarf Demon Charon. They let Zosi handle it, as she was the one who would be doing this in future, if she decided to.

“Sir, we need to cross to Xanth,” Zosi said politely. “The boy and I.”

Charon eyed her with open lechery. “And what payment do you proffer, intriguing maiden?”

“I’m a zombie.”

He looked at her more closely. “Why so you are, at least in spirit. I will have to double my price.”

“What is your price?”

“One solid day and night passionate naked stork summoning.”

“One clothed feel,” she bargained.

“One day storking.”