Esrever Doom (Xanth) (23 page)

That was mischief. How could they navigate it if there was a gap? But Kody tried. “How big a gap?”

FIVE FEET

That just might be navigable at speed. “Is the near side higher than that far side?”

SLIGHTLY

“So we could hurdle it if we drove fast enough?”

YES

“But if we veer to either side landing, it’s disaster,” Kody concluded.

“Squawk,” Zap agreed.

This was a challenge of nerves. “Probably we should turn back,” Kody said.

“But I’m ready to do the jump,” Ivan said.

“So am I,” Yukay said.

“But if you try it and miss, you’ll tumble down the slope to the valley and be out of the race at the very least, and lose your life at the most.”

“Maybe not,” Yukay said. “These vehicles are strongly built, and I suspect buttressed by magic, at least as far as the seat belts reach. Otherwise the contests would not have much repeat business. We probably put our cars at risk but not our lives.”

Kody considered. That did make sense. “Well, if you’re willing to gamble, so am I. Let’s go for it. But maybe Zap should fly rather than weighing down Yukay’s car for this.”

The others agreed. Zap flew ahead, indicating where the gap was. Kody led the way this time, to give the following cars an indication how to handle it. The trail was narrow but firm, with good traction, and the car’s steering was precise. This could be done.

He came up to where Zap hovered. That would be the gap. He accelerated carefully, building up enough speed but not too much. The cars behind paced him, being guided by him. He hit the gap and sailed across it, seeing that the mountain was about five feet below; it was not a total gulf. He landed and drove on; he had made it.

Almost immediately behind, Ivan jumped. He landed well, but one rear tire chipped the edge of the pavement. It crumbled down into the gap. But Ivan had made it.

Then came Yukay. She landed perfectly, but that fractured edge gave way, yanking the car askew. She went off to the side. The car went tumbling down the slope.

Zap dived after it. Kody couldn’t stop, and neither could Ivan, but Zosi called out what she saw in the mirror. “The car hit a boulder and stopped partway down. Zap is landing by it. Zap’s got Yukay! They are flying back up, following us.”

“Zap must have hung on to the lighter knot,” Kody said, relieved. “They are out of the race, but at least they’re all right.”

They drove on, and in due course the trail meandered back down the slope until they were on level ground amidst the trees. He drew to the side and stopped. Ivan parked beside him.

Zap came down to join them, and Yukay got off her back. “While Zap was carrying me, I saw cars lurking in ambush ahead,” Yukay said. “You can’t afford to ignore them.”

That was important news. “Can we avoid them?” Kody asked.

“No. There’s only one navigable trail leading from the mountain, and they are guarding it.”

“Then we’ll have to take them out.”

They discussed it briefly, and decided to have Zap join Ivan and Naomi, riding in the backseat, while Yukay joined Kody and Zosi. If Zap had flown over the acorn tree, the lurking cars would know they had been spied, and no surprise retaliation would be feasible. Then they moved on.

Kody peered ahead, searching for the ambush, but couldn’t see it. Without Yukay’s warning, they would have been caught by surprise.

“Under that big acorn tree,” Yukay said. “I made note of the spot. Two cars. They must be working together.”

“As we are,” Kody said. “It makes sense to team up to eliminate competition, then settle things among friends.”

“It does,” she agreed.

Kody put his arm out the window to signal Ivan. Then he proceeded toward the tree as if unconcerned.

As he approached it, a gray car lurched out, intent on collision. Kody was ready. He floored the accelerator, leaping forward. The gray car missed him by inches.

And got caught by Ivan following close behind. It wound up in the brush, out of commission.

Meanwhile Kody made a tight turn around the tree, throwing up dirt, almost freaking out Yukay. “That’s how he drives,” Zosi reassured her. Actually it wasn’t how he normally drove, but this was a special situation.

Sure enough, the second car, a yellow one, was now revving up, ready to broadside Ivan before he got clear of the ruined gray car. Kody came at it crosswise, catching it at the rear and spinning it out of control. It fetched up against the trunk of the acorn tree.

But it was not yet out of commission. Its wheels churned up dirt as it got back into action. Kody backed away, not in position to engage with his bumper.

And Ivan caught it from the side, staving it in. This time it was dead.

They paused to compare notes. Both black cars had dents, but both remained fully functional. They had dealt with the ambush.

They resumed driving, following the flags.

“Why does this look familiar?” Yukay asked as she peered out the window.

Now Kody recognized it too. “We’re coming back to the starting line! We got turned around.”

“I don’t think so. The route has been plainly marked throughout.”

“It finishes where it starts,” Zosi said.

That made sense. Every car had to run the course, but it was circular. So spectators could observe the start and the finish without moving.

But the race was hardly over. Only one car could survive to cross the finish line and take the prize. There were bound to be others waiting to intercept them.

And there were three other cars that had made the circuit by using the main trails. They were chasing each other in smaller circles, trying to crash them out. An orange car caught a white car broadside as Kody and Ivan came up, smashing it into oblivion. Kody saw the driver get out unharmed.

Now it was two against two. The orange car and a pink one reoriented to face the two approaching black cars. The orange one came straight at Kody. Would a head-on collision leave both cars intact, or wreck both? He could not be sure how strong the bumpers were. He didn’t care to risk it, but the orange car was giving him little choice.

He swerved to the side, but the oncoming car swerved to match him. It wanted that collision! He swerved to the other side, and again the other matched him. He started to swerve a third time, then reversed before completing it. The other car had no time to correct before they slid past each other so closely that paint scraped.

“Hang on!” Kody muttered to the others. Then he threw the car into a turnaround skid and accelerated back the way he had just come. Yukay opened her mouth to scream, but Zosi, who evidently had stronger nerves, or maybe duller zombie nerves, cautioned her.

The orange car was just turning to come at him again, and was caught broadside by his surprise maneuver. It was finished.

But as Kody tried to pull away from it, the pink car caught him broadside, staving in his midsection. His car lost power; a key cable had been broken. He was out of the race.

But as the pink car disengaged, Ivan caught it broadside and sent it spinning. It slid to a halt and moved no more.

Ivan went on to cross the finish line, the winner. Kody and the others climbed out of their cars, all losers. But they had succeeded in promoting one of their own number to the victory. They assembled in the prize area.

“AND WHAT PRIZE DO YOU CHOOSE?” the loudspeaker asked. Kody saw Polly Ester, every bit as buxom in the flesh as in the poster, waiting expectantly.

“The robot bomb sniffer,” Ivan said.

Kody felt his jaw dropping. What did Ivan want with that? Polly looked amazed, then angry. She had been snubbed.

Ivan took the sniffer and brought it to Kody. “This should help,” he said.

“But you wanted the affair with Polly Ester!”

“I guess I’d rather have a woman who wants me for myself, instead of as a prize. My prize was selfish; yours is for the good of Xanth. I prefer to be more like you.”

“I am impressed,” Yukay said. “When the Quest is done, and the Curse is gone, and I am attractive to you, I will see about satisfying your selfish side.”

“But you want Kody, not me!”

“Kody will be gone; you will still be around.”

“And why do you think I’d want to be with you, after you ignored me so long?”

She stepped in to him and kissed him.

Ivan, visibly stunned, took a moment to reorient. “Asked and answered,” he said. Yukay merely smiled, faintly. She had the power of any pretty girl, and knew it. She just hadn’t seen fit to apply it to this particular target before.

“And you, Zap,” Kody said. “That prize you want—”

“Squawk.” It was negation.

“Let’s find a lodge for the night,” Naomi said. “The day is late and we’re all tired. Tomorrow will be another day.”

There were free accommodations for the contestants. They had dinner at a nice inn, and went to a well-appointed private log cabin for the night. Demo Derby was a good host.

Kody said nothing about his understanding with Zosi, fearing that it would only mess up the unity of the group. They slept in separate bunks, each person alone.

It took him some time to get to sleep. The situation bothered Kody increasingly. He had a Quest to fulfill, his only known purpose being here in this odd fantasy realm. He would be gone when it was done. He had no business getting emotional about any Xanth woman, whatever her nature. Certainly he should not be encouraging her. But he was, and was.

And that was only the beginning of his problem.

If there was a way out of it without hurting anyone, especially Zosi, he was unable to fathom it.

10

A
LTER
E
GO

In the morning, refreshed, they considered the big box containing the Bomb Sniffer. On the side it said
SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED
.

Kody groaned inwardly. He knew that that meant: a horrible hassle. “I think we need a safe, quiet, comfortable place to focus on this. Where can we go to find such a place?”

“Maybe the cheese board has something,” Yukay said.

They looked at the chessboard. “Princess Dawn told me not to depend on this,” Kody said. “Lest it have a limited amount of invocations, and not be usable when I need it. But I can’t think of any other way to progress.”

“It has already shown us that the greatest divergence in perceptions is likely to be in panhandle Xanth,” Yukay said. “We’ll need it to get away from this world, but once we’re back in Xanth we can trek overland if we have to.”

“We’re not making much progress anyway,” Kody said.

“So let’s go somewhere comfortable, and consider,” Yukay said. “Once we assemble the Bomb Sniffer, that may solve the problem.”

They looked at the board. “Say!” Kody said. “There’s Caprice Castle!”

“I have heard of it,” Yukay said.

“I was there soon after I arrived in Xanth. They were very kind to me, and helped me get oriented.”

“So you want to visit there again?”

“I wouldn’t mind.”

“What is this castle?” Zosi asked. “I never heard of it.”

“Few have,” Yukay said. “It entered the mainstream scene only a few years ago. It was crafted by the Demon Pundit to collect and store surplus puns, so as to clean some of these annoying weeds out of Xanth. It travels randomly around the peninsula, having no permanent mooring; it simply fades out at one site and fades in at another. The original proprietor got seduced and corrupted by a scheming lady pun and was turned into a loathsome music monster as punishment. Then Picka Bone defeated the monster but also interceded for him, and he now serves Picka loyally, collecting puns. Picka married Princess Dawn, and they ride the castle, cleaning out nasty nests of puns wherever they find them. I understand Princess Harmony does volunteer service there, also courting her boyfriend while they work.”

“She does,” Kody agreed. “I met them. They are nice folk.”

“So an ordinary person can’t just go to Caprice Castle,” Yukay concluded. “Because it isn’t stationary. It is also choosy about whom it lets in. I’m surprised it is on that chessboard.”

Now Kody was surprised too. “I never thought of that. I thought a castle meant civilization, so I went there. I’m glad I did.”

“It may not have been entirely coincidence,” Yukay said. “Xanth needed you for this Quest, so somehow arranged to provide you with what you needed to accomplish it.”

“And now the Bomb Sniffer, thanks to Ivan.”

Ivan laughed. “And here I thought I was doing the right thing on my own. You mean I was just part of a programmed grand plan?”

Yukay considered. “If the grand plan were that specific, it should have been able to set Kody up without involving the rest of us. More likely it provided you with the opportunity to do the right thing, and you took that opportunity, proving your mettle.”

“And got your attention?”

“And got my attention,” Yukay agreed. “This whole thing smacks suspiciously of a Demon contest.”

“A what?”

“The capital D Demons, as contrasted with the relatively insignificant lowercase d demons, amuse themselves by making bets on obscure human events. They may set things up, then observe without interference while their human pawns act. I understand there was a Demon bet on whom Princess Harmony would choose to marry, at the time when half a dozen suitors were vying for her hand. Now I believe there is a bet on whether she will succeed in corralling the one she chose, after he turned her down.”

“The fool turned down a lovely princess?” Ivan asked, astonished.

“He’s from Mundania. He doesn’t know any better.”

“Oh, of course. Mundanes don’t even believe in magic.” Ivan glanced at Kody. “No offense.”

Kody laughed. “None taken. I am the same kind of fool, at least outside this weird dream. But that reminds me: I have a magic sword. I traded with Dread Dragon to get it.” He brought out the pocketknife, and saw the others repressing smiles. Then he shook it, and it expanded to full size. He chopped lightly at a chair leg, and the leg was cleanly cut off. The smiles faded. “So maybe that too was arranged,” he concluded as he shrank the sword back to pocketknife size and put it away.