Eternal Spring A Young Adult Short Story Collection (29 page)

“He does? I really hope he wakes up soon. I’m dying to see.
So he’s, like, five months?”

“Six. He was born on February twenty-seventh at four in the
morning and he weighed a good seven pounds nine ounces.”

“You have got to be kidding me. February twenty-seventh?”

“Yeah,” I say, not feeling his excitement.

“That’s my mother’s birthday.” If he grins any wider, his
face might split open.

“You’re kidding me. What are the odds of that?” I say,
trying to process it all.

Charlie switches Danny from his left arm to his right so he
can better watch his face. He’s not nervous and looks in his element holding
our son. Our breakfast arrives and I dig in while I can. My breasts feel heavy
and my gut tells me when Danny wakes up, I’ll have to feed him. I brought along
his soother, but half that time that doesn’t work to keep him quiet.

Charlie uses his left hand to feed himself, not willing to
put Danny down. I forgot Charlie was a leftie and it makes me wonder about
Danny. I get his desire to keep Danny close.

“Don’t you get it, Jen? Our son was meant to be.”

I’m stuffing a large piece of my cheese omelet into my mouth
and almost choke. That was a phrase I used on my father after, like, our
fortieth conversation about my choices. His first words of wisdom urged me to
get an abortion. His second was adoption, which sounded worse than his
kill-my-baby talk. When I finally did find my voice, I spoke about fate and all
that crap. I know I said this baby was meant to be and while my dad told me not
to romanticize it, which I’ll admit I’d done in the beginning, from day one I
had a feeling I was right. Danny was meant to be. Could I have an abortion? No.
It was that plain and simple. Could I even think about giving up my baby to
complete strangers? I tried to think about it. I tried to paint a picture in my
head that he’d be better off and end up with some rich parents, but in the end
that’s not a guarantee and I couldn’t do it. Two months before I gave birth to
Danny I left home to move in with my sister. The fights with my father had
escalated and weren’t worth it. Of course, I can’t find my voice to tell my
father. Instead, I left him a note and told him not to call.

He called once after I left a message on the home answering
machine, informing him he had a grandson. His call had been brief and awkward
but before he hung up, he told me that no matter what he loved me. He didn’t
add that he loved my son, and I get that step might take longer. Ella, my
sister, said to give him time. It’s been almost half a year. I wonder how much
time he needs. I don’t tell any of that to Charlie.

“I take it your father freaked on you. Jesus, Jen, I’m so
sorry. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me. I should have been there for you.”

I blink back tears and mouth, “It was difficult.” What I
can’t believe is why Charlie isn’t screaming his head off at me. What I did to
him was unfair. I almost feel the urge to text Shannon to tell her she was
right. Instead, I lean across the table and for the first time in months, I
touch Charlie. That one touch is all it takes. Holding our baby in his arms, he
moves out of the booth and scoots in beside me. Using his left arm, he hauls me
to him. I savor the feel of his body heat and let his warmth invade my scarred
heart.

“Jen, don’t lie to me again. It was shitty. I get that. Your
father never liked me because of the color of my skin. I bet he freaked on you
big time about having my baby.”

I try to deny it but
don’t
. The
hateful words my father spewed at me come flashing back. I dig my fingers into
my palm. Pain is something I’ve learned to embrace.

“He just doesn’t know you.” Why do I feel the need to defend
my father? My father is far from perfect, but he’s only human and we all have
flaws. His years on the police force certainly changed him. Raising the three
of us after my mother died of breast cancer ten years ago didn’t make for an
easy life.
Maybe
I should call him again?

“Well, he might change, but I’ve dealt with enough people
like your father to know that’s not going to happen overnight. And part of me
respects that. I’m not sure I’d ever let a daughter of mine date a guy like
me.”

He’s trying to lighten the mood. Danny start to squirm, and
I hold out my arms so Charlie will hand him over. Charlie gives me another one
of his bone-melting longing looks I try hard to ignore. With obvious
reluctance, he hands Danny to me. I absorb my son’s warm body and gently push
down the small hoodie covering his head. Charlie leans closer and I expect him
to pull his arm away from me, but he doesn’t.

“Jen, don’t get me wrong. I’m really mad you didn’t tell me,
but I don’t live in the past anymore. I’m also really proud of what you did.
You did this because you wanted something better for me. I get that. But you’ve
got to understand something. There wasn’t a day that went by without me
thinking about you. I know I fast-talked you and I know you might have thought
our fling was just that, but that’s never been what I wanted.”

The tears slide down my cheek and I lean my head more into
his muscular shoulder. He caresses my hair and I feel my heart start to beat a
loud warning bell. I feel his touch throughout my sensitive body. So much for
my armor.

“I’m sorry,” I mumble. “I didn’t know what to do and then I
didn’t know how to tell you.”

“You should have told me from the beginning,” he says again.

I know I’ve hurt him, but this is going a lot smoother than
I envisioned. A small whimper from Danny draws me to him. His eyes are wide
open and Charlie’s leaning over me so he can see the expression on his son’s
face. That pulls at my heartstrings so much I have to concentrate on the sounds
of the diner to avoid breaking down. The couple in the booth to our right has
been privy to our entire conversation, but when I make eye contact with the
woman she smiles at me. It’s such a reassuring look that I find myself smiling
back. She turns her attention back to her coffee and I’m forced back to my son
and Charlie.

“His eyes are just like mine.”

“I told you,” I say.

Charlie is touching Danny’s cheeks. His hand is so big
compared to our son’s small cheeks I find it mesmerizing.

“He’s got your skin coloring.”

“Maybe that will fade more with time,” Charlie says.

I look up at Charlie. He’s never been proud of his
African-Canadian heritage but it’s a part of him. Too bad his father wasn’t in
their life. Danny’s mouth starts to make puckering movements.

“Can you pass me that small blanket in the stroller? I’m
going to have to feed him.”

Charlie hands me the blanket and then moves back to his side
of the booth. I adjust the blanket around me and realize my hands are shaking.

“Listen, I’ve got to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right
back,” says Charlie, getting up from the booth before I can even nod a thanks.

I know exactly what he’s doing. He’s giving me time to
compose myself so I can feed Danny. I sniffle back the tears and lean back in
the booth, letting my son take hold of me. Now what? I’m wondering. Will we eat
our breakfasts and go our separate ways? What’s best for Danny? But what about
what I want?

I thought I knew what I wanted long before Danny came into
my life. Getting my teacher’s degree had been my goal. Now, my priority is
Danny. I haven’t given up, but sometimes taking care of him
twenty-four-seven
makes it feel like a pipe dream.

Holy fucking shit
. I think I’ve said that a dozen times in my head
but I can’t stop. Jen is in there nursing my son.
Our son
. It’s such a major-turn on I
feel like a freak. I should be pissed at her, but there’s this part of me that
just wants to protect her. Is this how love feels? Shit, this is so not what I
expected coming home on leave. I thought I’d spend my entire time partying.
Now, all I want to do is spend my time with Jen and Danny. My son.

I wonder what she’s thinking. If she thinks I’m walking out
on her life, she can think again. No shit. My father might have done that to my
mom, but that’s not going to be me. I know how hard it’s been on my mom to
raise me, her hellion, on her own. Plus, I want to be there for my son. I guess
the bigger question is, does Jen want me? Christ, I’ve got a freaking hard-on thinking
about her breastfeeding our son. I’m too afraid to go back out into the diner.
I wonder how long it takes to feed a baby. I start counting the dirty diamond
squares on the floor and force my body to cool down. I judge a good ten minutes
have passed. I leave the stall, knowing I was being a freaking coward, and head
back out.

Danny’s back in his stroller and
Jen’s
tucking
in her shirt. The bill is on the table. I walk over and grab the
two receipts, heading to the cashier. I pay and then I’m helping Jen move the
stroller down the stairs and out onto the street.

“So, are you still at home?” I ask, realizing I have no idea
where’s she’s living.

“No. I moved in with my sister. I live with her on Tower
Road.”

I wonder if her move was by choice but suspect it wasn’t.
“Listen, Jen, we really need to talk more about all of this.”

“Yeah, we do,” she says, moving the stroller back and forth.

“Can I come over?”

“As in, now?” Her green eyes look freaked.

My heart’s running a marathon and I feel like I’m rushing
the words. “I can come over now or wait until a better time. It’s up to you,
but I’m not leaving you. You’re not getting me out of your life so fast.”

She smiles. Guess I’m saying the right things. “My sister’s
at work and the place is a mess, but yeah, you can come over.”

My heart flip-flops. I nod and together we start the walk
from the waterfront up to Tower Road. We talk about silly things. She tells me
what Shannon’s been up to and then I realize what she hasn’t said.

“You quit school, didn’t you?” I need to know.

“Sort of had to. Things got really hard for me,” says Jen,
telling more with those small words than if she’d launched into a lecture. “But
I’m currently working on getting my GED. My sister is determined to help.
Honestly, Charlie, I’m not sure what I would have done without her support.”

Because I gave you none
. I feel like a flat tire. Useless. What
could I have done to help if she’d told me? Not much. Jen’s right. The only way
out of my neighborhood was a scholarship like Eje got or the Armed Forces. I
could have gotten a scholarship, but the reality is I wanted a military life. A
chance to see more of the world. A chance for a steady job. An opportunity to
learn a skill and be useful.

“So, how is army life?” she asks, turning the conversation.

For once I’m happy to switch subjects. It certainly hasn’t
been a picnic, but I bet it’s been easier than Jen’s life. And that’s partly my
fault.

We get to her sister’s apartment and I help her haul up the
stroller. It’s two freaking flights of stairs. How the hell does she do this
every day? She unzips Danny but doesn’t move him from the stroller.

“He likes to sleep in his stroller during the day.”

I strip off my coat. Once Jen hangs up our jackets I turn to
her. I walk right up to her and do what I’ve dreamed about a dozen times a day.
I kiss her like she’s my lifeline. The scary thing is, since I met her she’s
meant everything to me. And now it’s up to me to play at being her savior when
in reality, she’s mine.

Why isn’t he screaming at me? Why, when he looks at me, do I
feel special when I know I’m not?

I’m almost wishing Danny would wake up and demand my
attention. He’s still asleep in the stroller, which is parked in the hallway. I
find myself checking on him to see if he’s started to squirm, but he’s deep in
baby sleep land. Hopefully his dreams are better than mine. Lately, nightmares
make up my nights and I know it has to do with my fear of coping. Being a
single mom is hard, but more than that it’s lonely. I know that now. I tuck my
feet under me on the sofa. Charlie’s hair is a lot shorter than it used to be,
but with his face he can pull it off.

He gives me another heated look, which I’m trying to ignore.
“So what do you do all day?” he asks.

It’s such an innocent question, I know I shouldn’t feel
angry because he doesn’t get how demanding being a parent is, but I find myself
turning red.

Like he knows he’s said the wrong thing, Charlie rushes in
with, “Shit, I bet it’s hard, but I’m just wondering about your life and
Danny.”

“At the moment, when Danny’s sleeping, I’m studying and
doing my GED work. I’m finishing my last year and in June, I’ll write my GED
and graduate. And then I’m applying to university.”

“You still want to be a teacher?”

It’s always the small things Charlie remembers, and I love
him more for it. “Yeah, that’s still my dream.” I stare deep into his brown
eyes and wish he could read me like a book. I’m too afraid to find my voice, to
speak the fears I’m trying hard to keep blanketed. Like Danny sleeping, being
oblivious to the world would be easy. In my case, I’m hyperaware of time
ticking away.

Charlie’s hand grasps mine. He moves closer. I feel his body
heat and smell the clean scent of his soap. He still smells like Irish Spring
and I find myself smiling.

“What’s so funny?”

“You. I would have thought the army wouldn’t allow Irish
Spring soap.” I chuckle.

He laughs. “Oh, army soap is mean. It’s not for black
people. I’ve never used so much lotion in my entire life. I’m not sure what was
worse—surviving boot camp, or being nicknamed ‘scaly’ because the soap
dried out my skin so much. First thing I did when I got home was take a long
bath.”

“Yeah, knowing you, I bet there was a magazine in your
hand.”