Eternity (27 page)

Whatever his motives though, it was a cruel and callus thing to do, to both of us.

I understand how you must feel though and I know that there is no reason why you should trust me, but if nothing else, I want you to understand what you mean to me.

These last two weeks, hectic as they were, have been nothing short of a miraculous. I never thought I could feel this way about anyone and through that I have learnt so much about myself as well. I am a better person for knowing you and it pains me deeply to think that I will no longer have you in my life.

I will always treasure the time we had together and I will always hold a place for you in my heart.

I love you.

Kaitlin x

It’s still doesn’t get across the depth of my feelings for him, but I think admitting that I love him goes some way towards that; and it’s true, I do love him, it sounds mad to say after just two weeks, but I can’t deny it. I think about him constantly, I day dream about our future together and I’m purely elated from just being close to him, it all adds up, I love Carlos Johnson.

But what does it matter now? I’ve ruined it, I’ve lost the love of my life.

If only I hadn’t gone back to the house, or if I had excused myself and hid out in our room till Carlos got back, things might have been different.

Who am I kidding? Marcus was set on breaking us up as soon as he clapped eyes on me, that psycho son of a bitch! I never stood a chance.

My fury towards Marcus spurs me long enough to shower vigorously and dress, but as I reach the door to leave I find myself empty again. What if I bump into Carlos, or Marcus, or their parents!? What could I say? ‘Sorry I’ve blown into your lives like a tornado and turned everything upside down, but don’t worry I’ll be leaving tomorrow’.

I need support, I just can’t do it alone; returning to the phone I call Blair, it’s two now so I doubt she’s in, but it’s worth a try. She answers shortly and in my relief at hearing her voice, the whole story falls from my lips, omitting only the part about changing my flight.

“My gosh Kate, you have got to be having the worst holiday on earth! Do you want me to come over to you?”

“If you don’t mind I just want to get out of here, I feel stifled stuck in this room” I need to walk and talk to clear my head.

“Give me ten minutes, then meet me on the beach, where we were yesterday” she suggests.

“Ok, thanks Blair, you’re a star” I say genuinely humbled by her relentless ability to come through for me.

Now all I have to do is leave the room. I should have taken up her offer to come to me; I plot the route I want to take, it’s probably safest to stick to the most populated areas, rather than the side paths. I feel sick with nerves, all I want is to be with him, but the thought of bumping in to him right now could not be more scary. I don’t know how I will get my letter to him; delivering it to his house is out of the question, risking running into him and Marcus is too high. I could take it to his parents, but they are sure to know what happened by now, so that’s equally as undesirable.

Maybe I could just give it to Mari on reception, or even Blair; yes, Blair would do it, I’m sure.

I grab the letter off the vanity table and shove it into my clutch bag. Walking over to the mirror I lean in and examine myself, my eyes look dull and tired, my damp hair hangs lifelessly over my shoulders. I could try and do something with it, perhaps put some makeup on, but I just can’t find the motivation.

Sighing, I turn away from my reflection; it’s now or never, grasping the door handle I take a deep breath in before yanking it open.

I was half hoping to find a note from Carlos on the doorstep, but its empty just the immaculately clean shine or marble, glinting up at me.

Tears start to pool in my eyes again. Pull yourself together Kaitlin! I scold myself as I wipe them away with the back of my hand. If I can just get through today, then I leave tomorrow and I can be as sad as I like in the privacy of my own home. I take a minute to mentally pull up the wall around my emotions, the same one I used after Jake left and I’m ready to face the world.

I walk at double speed to the beach, keeping my stare fixed to my feet the whole way, so even if I was to walk past Carlos I would be unaware of it.

I’m relieved to see Blair already waiting for me when I arrive. After a brief hug we begin to walk along the shoreline, away from the resort.

“I’m sorry for dragging you away from John again, what were you two doing today?” I make small talk to fill the silence.

“Oh that’s ok, we weren’t really doing anything today, John is taking advantage of me going out and having a siesta” she smiles.

I’m building up to tell her I’m leaving tomorrow, but I know she will be disappointed at me bailing out.

“Blair, I’ve changed my flight” I start cautiously.

She turns and looks at me quizzically “Oh?”

“I’m leaving tomorrow night” I blurt it out.

“Oh Kate, you don’t need to do that. You shouldn’t let what’s happened ruin this holiday for you!”

“I know, but it kind of already has. I can’t spend another week not leaving my room for fear of bumping into any of the Johnson family.” I try to explain my predicament.

“I guess, but have you even spoken to Carlos about it?”

“No, but he chucked me out of his house and hasn’t tried to contact me, so I don’t think he wants to speak to me.” My voice wavers, but I blink away the forming tears and swallow past the lump in my throat.

“You can’t think like that, of course he was angry at what he saw, but if you don’t explain it, it’s not going to get any better is it? You need to at least give him a chance to understand what happened”

She’s right as usual.

“I have written him a letter” I say meekly, “I was wondering if you might take it to him for me?” I feel pathetic asking her now, as I return my gaze to my feet.

“Of course I will, but I still think it should be done in person, letters can be misconstrued”

“Ok, well you give him the letter” I say taking it out of my bag and handing it to her, “then if he wants to speak to me he knows where to find me, but if not…” I shrug, not knowing how to end the sentence. If not my heart will shatter into a million pieces, if not I don’t think I will ever be able to love again, if not I may as well just lay down and die.

I know I’m being melodramatic, but right now, caught up in the throes of grief yet again, it’s just how I feel. I let myself think we actually had something, that the years I wasted on a bad relationship were not all in vain because they had ultimately lead me to Carlos. I was stupid. I should never have let myself get so involved in a holiday romance, but it seemed so much more than that, I was effectively living with him for God’s sake, no one can say that wasn’t real.

I can’t believe it’s over, I can’t believe that I’ll never see him again, never kiss his lips or caress his soft skin, what I wouldn’t give to feel his body against mine just one more time.

I can’t control it as the tears spill over, drenching my face.

“Oh Kate” Blair croons, pulling me into her embrace. We sit like this for some time, me sobbing gently into her shoulder.

“I’m sorry” I bleat, “I’m just such a mess”.

“You have nothing to apologise for. Trust me, if I had been through half of what you had these last few months I would be a mess too” she pulls a hanky out of her pocket and carefully mops the wetness from my cheeks, “now come on, let’s get you a drink”.

I hastily rub my hands over my face and stand to attention, “I think that’s the best idea you’ve ever had”.

We take two trusty jugs of cocktails to the beach and sit and watch the waves roll in. It’s such a stunning place, literally every view is like a picture on a postcard; you can’t quite believe your eyes when you’re surrounded by such beauty. At least I’m miserable in a picturesque place; just sitting on the sand helps the healing process along.

Laying side by side Blair tells me about her plans for the future. This holiday, as well as celebrating the anniversary of their marriage, is the last holiday they are taking as a couple, before they start trying for a family. It surprises me that they have been married for ten years but only just thinking about children now. She explains that they both have good careers and they wanted to establish them first; they got married at just twenty, so they figured there was plenty of time to have kids later. She’s nervous about it, but you’d have to be blind not to see she will make a wonderful mum. A pang of jealousy sores through me; Blair has it all, both of them earn good money, she married the perfect man for her when she was barely out of school and is now living happily ever after.

I married a twat and have paid the price three times over for that mistake and now it seems, I’m destined to repeat my errors in picking the wrong guy, over and over for the rest of my life!

“You’re so fortunate, with everything you have” I say, trying to keep the envy from my voice.

“It’s not always been this way you know, it’s a long story so I won’t get into it now, but it’s safe to say that we’ve had our struggles. Life’s like that, you have ups and downs, but it’s ultimately what you take from it that counts”

She sounds so serious, she reminds me of one of those inspirational speakers; the thought makes me laugh out loud.

“Did I really just say that?” she chuckles making me laugh even harder. It’s one of those moments when you spend so much time being sad that the slightest thing cracks you up.

We’re giggling away together when something catches my eye. Propping myself up and looking in its direction I see Carlos, halfway towards us on the beach. Instantly I smile, my face lighting up at the sight of him; but he does not respond in kind, he has an expression like thunder, his green eyes burning holes into me. He stands for a moment, his body visibly tense, before turning and stomping away. My world caves in around me again “He must have seen us laughing and thought I was having a great time, thought I wasn’t affected by all this” I slump back down onto the sand, I can’t do right for doing wrong!

“You have to talk to him, this is just ridiculous. If he had any idea how you’ve really been, maybe he’d forgive you. I mean why else was he coming over?” she has a good point, but I just don’t want to put myself out there, when he’s clearly still so easily angered.

“Can you just give him the letter? I don’t know that I could manage to say everything I want to his face without screwing it up”

She begrudgingly agrees and sets off to find him, while I return to my room, with one of the cocktail jugs, to hide out and drink myself into oblivion.

Back at the room I’m suddenly overwhelmed with loneliness. Was it ever a good idea to come away alone? And sure I have Blair here, but I don’t want to constantly encroach on her holiday, it is a second honeymoon after all. I can’t help but be aware that it is always me calling her; she must be getting sick of all my problems by now.

Of course there was Carlos, but I’ve just hammered the last nail into that coffin, so now it’s just me, all alone in a foreign country. I miss my home and my Caz and even my job! I miss everything that’s familiar, good old constants that at least create the illusion of my life being comfy and safe.

For the first time since arriving I actually can’t wait to get home and not because I’m running away, or I feel like I have to go, but because
I
wan
t
to be home; Mexico has helped me get over Jake, which was the whole point of coming in the first place and now I want to go home and forget all about this holiday.

Subconsciously I pick up the phone and dial Caz, it’s about 10pm back home, so at least she’ll be up this time.

“Kate! How are you? Last time we spoke you were all loved up, so are you ringing to tell me your getting married, or your pregnant?” she laughs, completely unaware of how much she has just put her foot in it. I’m half tempted not to tell her; if it wasn’t for the fact that I want her to pick me up from the airport tomorrow night.

“Actually it’s all fallen apart” I try to get out the story as quickly as possible before my emotions can catch up with me.

“Oh God Kate, that’s awful, of course I’ll come get you when you arrive, but are you sure you want to just pack up and go? I mean have you even spoken to him since?” I smile inwardly at how she is so similar to Blair.

“I’m sure. All in all, if you excuse the obvious hiccups, I’ve had a wonderful time, but I’m ready to come home now.”

“Well ok, but promise me you’ll sleep on it. There must be day trips you can go on, so you don’t have to worry about seeing him all the time. I just don’t want you to regret losing out on this holiday because of a man. You’ve spent enough years doing that with Jake.”

“I know, I know. I will think about it and call you if I change my mind” but somehow, I doubt I will.

After we’ve said our goodbyes I’m left even more homesick than I started, I’m half tempted to go to the airport and wait for any cancellations that might allow me to get back sooner. I’m all cried out now, I think at least; I just feel hollow.

It’s only half past four now, the sun is still shining brightly, but I don’t want to do anything, just lay here wallowing in my misery. And anyway I need to be in just incase Carlos calls; Blair should have given him the letter by now, so he should come round, or at least call, in theory anyway.