Etiquette and Vitriol (39 page)

BISHOP:
I take care of you.

PHYLLIS:
Thank you.

BISHOP:
I catch things!

PHYLLIS:
I know.

BISHOP:
We eat!

PHYLLIS:
We do.

BISHOP:
So shut up.

PHYLLIS:
I want someone to protect me.

BISHOP:
I protect you.

PHYLLIS:
I don't want to wait anymore. I've waited long enough. I'm all dressed up, on the stoop, waiting and waiting and no one is coming. I want to go inside. I want to give up. I want to lie down. No one is coming for us, Bishop.

BISHOP:
They are too.

PHYLLIS:
THEY ARE NOT!!! —And you can kill me. You can kill things. You can. I've seen you.

BISHOP:
Shut up!!

PHYLLIS:
I'VE SEEN YOU KILL THINGS! YOU KILL THEM WITH THE ROCKS AND THE BRANCHES AND YOUR HANDS, AND YOU CAN, AND YOU CAN KILL ME!! PLEASE!

BISHOP:
SHUT UP!!

(He knocks her down, she may be crying.)

PHYLLIS:
I wish—

BISHOP:
Always thinking of your fucking self.

PHYLLIS:
I wish someone—

BISHOP:
Who would I talk to?

PHYLLIS:
I wish someone would—

BISHOP:
Fucking monkeys?

PHYLLIS:
I wish someone would hold me. I wish I had, I wish I

was, I wish, I wish. I wish.

BISHOP:
Be quiet.
(He approaches her. He puts his hand on her hair)

PHYLLIS:
Bishop?

BISHOP:
Be quiet.

PHYLLIS:
Bishop.

(He places his hand on her breast and kisses her mouth.)

No.

BISHOP:
Shut up.

PHYLLIS:
No, no, no! Stop it!! Stop it!

BISHOP:
SHUT UP!

(He yanks her head back and kisses her again. She struggles.)

PHYLLIS:
PLEASE!! GOD!! HELP!! THIS ISN'T WHAT I MEANT!!

BISHOP:
SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!!!

PHYLLIS:
GOD HELP ME!!!!

(He forces her to the ground and tears at her clothes in a frenzy.)

GOD!! GOD!! HELP ME!! PLEASE!!!

(Pam rises and walks down center, blocking our view of Phyllis and Bishop.)

PAM
(Out)
: There will now be a brief intermission.

(Blackout. We hear “Bali Ha'i.”)

The living room. Actually, the furniture is on the beach, arranged as if it were in a living room. There are two chairs, a sofa, a bar, and a television with its back to the audience. Pam is watching television.

PAM:
Howard! Howard! They're on again! They're showing it again!
(Out)
I love CNN.
(To Howard)
Howard! They're showing Phyllis and Bishop getting off the plane again!—
(Out)
the same footage over and over. That Ted Turner—a genius.
(To Howard)
Howard!

HOWARD
(Enters, tucking in his shirt)
: What?

PAM:
They were showing that clip again. Phyllis and Bishop getting off the plane.

HOWARD:
Oh, what time is it?

PAM:
Almost three.

HOWARD:
They should be here.

PAM:
Are you nervous?

HOWARD:
No. Yes. What time is it?

PAM:
It's almost three.

HOWARD:
They should be here.

PAM:
You said that.

HOWARD:
Did I?

PAM:
Do you want me to leave?

HOWARD:
Yes.

PAM:
Where would I go?

HOWARD:
No. Stay.

PAM:
You love me, Howard.

HOWARD:
What?

PAM:
Remember that. And our baby inside of me. We're going to have a whole new life together.

HOWARD:
Maybe you should go.

PAM:
I live here.

HOWARD:
But I don't think she should walk in and find you.

PAM:
We could say I'm the maid.

HOWARD:
Yes.

PAM:
And you could explain things to her gradually.

HOWARD:
Do you have a uniform?

PAM:
No.

HOWARD:
Can you cook an egg?

PAM:
No.

HOWARD:
What if someone wants eggs?

PAM:
Why would they want eggs?

HOWARD:
What if they're hungry and they want some eggs?

PAM:
You don't eat eggs. We don't have eggs.

HOWARD:
You can't be the maid.

PAM:
Maybe I should go.

HOWARD:
Where will you go? Will you be all right? I'll take care of you. I'll support the baby. You won't have to worry.

PAM:
I meant to the movies.

HOWARD:
Oh.

PAM:
Or for a walk. I meant for a little while.

HOWARD:
Of course.

PAM:
So that you could have some time alone with them. To talk with them. To explain what we've discussed. What we decided.

HOWARD:
What we decided?

PAM:
They can't stay here, Howard. I mean, they can stay here overnight, or through the weekend. But we agreed, they can't stay here. You have a new life now.

HOWARD:
But I can't just throw them out. He's my wife and she's my son.

PAM:
But we agreed.

HOWARD:
What are you saying Pam?

PAM:
I'll go out. You talk to them.

HOWARD:
I think you should stay.

PAM:
You do?

HOWARD:
You're right. We have a life together and a baby coming and I think we should face this together. It was over a long time ago with Phyllis and I'm sure if we present our-selves—I'm sure she's fine, I'm sure she's mature, I'm sure she's rational, I'm sure she's calm, I'm sure she's—

(Doorbell.)

Hide!!

PAM:
What?!

HOWARD:
It's them! Hide!

PAM:
What? Where?

HOWARD:
Get in the closet! Just get in the closet!

PAM:
Howard!

(Howard shoves Pam into the closet. Phyllis and Bishop appear at the door.)

HOWARD:
Phyllis! Son!

BISHOP
(To Phyllis)
: Go IN.

PHYLLIS:
I don't want to.

BISHOP:
GET IN THERE!

PHYLLIS:
No.

HOWARD:
Come in?

PHYLLIS:
No thank you.

HOWARD:
Pardon?

PHYLLIS:
No thank you.

BISHOP:
MOVE!

HOWARD:
Won't you come in?

PHYLLIS:
I don't think so. I like the hallway.

BISHOP:
Shit.

HOWARD:
I don't understand.

PHYLLIS:
It's nice. The wallpaper is pretty. It's mint. I think I would describe this color as mint. I never noticed it before. It has a very delicate stripe.

HOWARD:
You're not coming in?

PHYLLIS:
Could you bring me some shoes? They gave me flats. I feel short.

HOWARD:
Shoes?

PHYLLIS:
Yes please.

BISHOP:
We're late because the shithead kept making the taxi drive around the block.

HOWARD:
I don't think you should call your mother shithead. I think it's disrespectful.

PHYLLIS:
Shoes please?

HOWARD:
Just a minute.
(He runs off)

BISHOP:
Get in there!

PHYLLIS:
I don't want to. Please don't make me. Please. I'll do anything. I don't want to go in.

BISHOP:
It's our home, dirthead!

PHYLLIS:
Can't we move? Get something smaller across town? A studio maybe? Something with a tub in the kitchen.

BISHOP:
NO! Now go in.

PHYLLIS:
You go in. I'll stay here.

BISHOP:
You have to go in eventually.

PHYLLIS:
No I don't. You can go in and slide food through the mail slot.

HOWARD
(Reenters carrying a pair of shoes)
: Here we go! Shoes!

PHYLLIS:
Take them.

(Bishop takes the shoes from Howard and passes them to Phyllis, who puts them on her hands.)

BISHOP:
Here.

PHYLLIS:
These shoes are beautiful.

HOWARD:
Thank you.

PHYLLIS:
They're too small. Do you have something in an eight?

HOWARD:
An eight?

PHYLLIS:
These aren't my shoes. These are a six. I'm an eight. These are sixes. Bishop, are these your shoes?

BISHOP:
God!

PHYLLIS:
Bishop, have you been wearing ladies' shoes? I should never have sent you to a private school. I don't mean to be judgmental—

BISHOP:
THEY ARE NOT MY SHOES!

PHYLLIS:
Oh.

HOWARD:
Don't you like them?

PHYLLIS:
Are you a transvestite now, Howard?

HOWARD:
They're my mother's shoes.

PHYLLIS:
Your mother died when you were five.

HOWARD:
They're an heirloom.

PHYLLIS:
That's touching.

HOWARD:
Won't you come in now?

PHYLLIS:
And they look right up-to-the-minute. Funny how fashion repeats itself.

HOWARD:
Someone will get off the elevator. Someone will see you.

BISHOP:
I'm going in.

PHYLLIS:
Bishop!!!

BISHOP
(He rushes into the room and stands center)
: Look. Look, airbrain—

HOWARD:
I don't think you should call your mother an airbrain.

BISHOP:
Shut up.—Look. I'm in. I'm inside and nothing happened. It's fine. It's fucking fine. There's nothing to be afraid of.—What the fuck you staring at?

HOWARD:
I don't understand.

BISHOP:
The crudhead's afraid to come in—

HOWARD:
I don't think you should call your mother a crudhead.

PHYLLIS:
I'll never get out.

HOWARD:
What?

PHYLLIS:
If I come in. I'll never get out again. And the room doesn't look very big. And I don't recognize the furniture.

HOWARD:
It's new.

PHYLLIS:
Oh.

HOWARD:
Don't you like it?

PHYLLIS
(Waving at furniture)
: I don't even know it. How could I like it?