Even Now (7 page)

Finally Shane and Lauren left, but Lauren tried again twice more that week. With each conversation, Angela’s doubt grew, and over the next month it caused a quiet crack in her facade of certainty. Shane tried his parents too, and of course they wanted nothing to do with the plan. No way on earth Lauren was moving with
them
, out west. And so, without the help of either set of parents, the kids really didn’t have a choice.

Shane didn’t have a car of his own or money or a place to stay. For a week or so he talked about quitting school and taking a job at the greasy chicken joint down the street. Then, according to Lauren, his father helped him do the math, showing him that even if he worked sixty hours a week he couldn’t afford an apartment, a car, and food. Let alone support a wife and a baby. No, the kids didn’t have a chance of staying together without help.

But that wasn’t the only issue that kept the weeks through mid-May tense and painful. Sheila called every few days. Whereas in the past they would make small talk and find things to smile and laugh about, now the conversations were about one thing only.

“So — ” Sheila’s tone seemed harder with each call — “has she decided to give the baby up for adoption? That’s what she needs to do, Angela. You said it was going to happen. You can force her hand in this, you know.”

Angela released a heavy breath and explained, yet again, that the decision had to be Lauren’s and Shane’s. Of course she’d recommended that the kids give the baby up. That would seem the most logical, kindest thing for everyone involved. “But you’re missing something here,” she finally told Sheila.

“What’s that?”

“Our kids love each other. They have for a very long time.”

Sheila made a sound that suggested she couldn’t have disagreed more. “They don’t know what love is.”

You don’t know what love is.
That was the phrase being bandied about among all the adults. Even Angela wanted to go with that. It was neat and tidy and gave them a reason to control the kids, figure things out for them. They didn’t know what love was.

But what if they were wrong?

That fear stuck like a thorn in her conscience, and no matter how she tried to work past it or look around it, she couldn’t dislodge it. By mid-May, Lauren was seven months pregnant and showing. Angela wanted her daughter to quit school so the kids wouldn’t talk. Lauren explained that the kids would talk anyway, and she was right. By then everyone in their circle knew she was pregnant.

What made it more painful for Angela was the loss of Sheila’s friendship. The woman had been like a sister, the one she’d shared her deepest insecurities with, her greatest joys and fears. Now Sheila grew less considerate, more accusing of Lauren and even Angela, and finally Angela made a decision. She had to spare her daughter a lifetime of being hated by Shane’s family. The two were going to be apart — that much was already decided. The relationship they shared was all but over. Now it was up to Angela to keep Lauren from desiring a place in a family where the parents wanted nothing to do with her. She knew what she had to do next, and it was for Lauren’s own good. Because she loved her.

On Saturday afternoon that week, Angela invited Sheila over, and the two of them sat down in the sunroom again. She studied the other woman, choosing her words with care. “Sheila, I know what you’re hoping. You’re hoping Bill and I were able to talk Lauren into giving the baby up for adoption.”

“Yes.” Sheila folded her hands in her lap. She was careful not to look too long into Angela’s eyes. “It’s craziness for a girl her age to keep a baby, Angela. We’ve been over all this.” She paused. “So . . . is that why you called me here?”

“No.” Angela took a slow breath and steadied herself. She had thought this through for days and now she believed it was all they had, the only chance of moving forward. “It’s about the kids, about our moves coming up next month.”

“Our moves?” Sheila looked up and for a fraction of a moment, the old Sheila shone through. The one who was kind and open-minded, the one who would listen and offer support no matter the subject. Every subject except this one.

“Yes.” Angela poured them each a cup of coffee. She took a sip of hers and sat it back down again. Bill was out supervising a work crew doing maintenance on some trees near the new bank building in Wheaton. Lauren was up in her room writing, something she did more than ever. Angela closed her eyes and willed herself to move forward with the plan. “I think we should wait at least a month before exchanging phone numbers. After we move, I mean.”

Sheila made a face, but gradually the lines in her face eased. “What’ll we tell the kids? That we don’t want them to talk?”

“No, nothing like that.” She lowered her voice. The last thing she wanted was for Lauren to hear her. “We can blame it on the phone company. It can take weeks to set up phone service. That way it’ll give Lauren a chance to have the baby and think things through without the pressure of talking to Shane every day, trying to do things as if they were still a couple.”

Sheila’s arms relaxed to her sides and her face looked almost pleasant. “I like it.” She looked at Angela, her eyes imploring her to understand. “I’m glad you’re helping me on this. I mean friendship aside, we have to care about our kids. They’re too young to be together this way.”

“You’re right.” Angela wasn’t so certain, but this was all she and Sheila had left now, a series of actions and reactions, a practice in going through the motions. “Let’s see if we can keep them apart for a month, month and a half.”

“So when we get to LA — and Shane
is
coming with us to LA, regardless of what he thinks — I give you our new number, but you don’t give it to Lauren until forty-five days later. You call me with your new number, but I don’t give it to Shane for the same period. Something like that?”

“Exactly.”

“I like it a lot. It’s a good plan.”

“It is. I feel the same as you. They need time apart.” The lie made Angela wince. Lauren and Shane would disown them for life if they could hear this conversation. This meeting wasn’t about making Sheila happy or believing that the kids were better off staying away from each other. It was about protecting Lauren from the hostility that Shane’s family held toward her. For that, she would lie even if it meant hurting Lauren in the short term. She looked at Sheila. “It’s only for a month, maybe six weeks. After that they can catch up and we’ll see what happens.”

Sheila was already on her feet. “Very well.” She looked at her watch. “I can’t stay. I have a church dinner tonight.” Her eyes met Angela’s one last time. She stopped short of flashing that phony smile Angela had seen too often in the past months. Instead she let the corners of her mouth raise just a little. “This isn’t easy for any of us, Angela.” She paused. “Please let us know if you get anywhere with Lauren. There are so many wonderful families waiting to adopt children. It would be a great sacrifice if Lauren would consider it.”

Angela wanted to spit at her. A great sacrifice for Lauren? Yes, and a great victory for Sheila. Angela took a few steps toward the door and held it open wide so Sheila wouldn’t stay longer than necessary. Then, since she was on a roll, she told yet another lie. “I was right about adoption, Sheila. Lauren’s leaning more toward it everyday.”

“She is?” Sheila’s eyes sparked to life, the same way they did when Bloomingdale’s announced a storewide sale.

Angela felt sick to her stomach. She bit her lip and nodded. “Yes. I’m almost positive.”

Sheila left, spouting platitudes and half smiles, making comments about things being meant to be and life working out for the best and how every change was like another season meant to be savored and how nothing stays the same anyway.

The silence after Sheila left gave Angela her first peaceful moment all morning. She sat down on the sofa, leaned back, and closed her eyes. She’d done it. She’d convinced Sheila to stay out of her life, out of her daughter’s life. At least for a month or more. That meant Lauren could have her baby in peace, without constant phone calls and directives from Sheila about why the baby should be given up and when.

As she sat there, everything about the morning meeting felt right except one thing, the same thing that had troubled Angela for much of the past month: What if the kids’ love didn’t fade away? What if Sheila and all the adults were wrong? What if age didn’t determine whether or not a person could truly understand what love was and whether it was real?

Angela folded her arms and gripped her sides. They were teenagers; of course they would move on. They’d be heartbroken for a season. But they’d get past their grief and given a month or so of separation, they might reevaluate and decide it was better to take time away from each other. In fact, if that happened, Lauren might indeed decide to give her baby up for adoption. And yes, everyone would win in the process.

She blinked her eyes open, stood, and padded her way up to Lauren’s bedroom. She did a light knock on the door.

“Come in.” Lauren sounded tired and distracted. Shane had baseball all that day, so she’d spent most of the afternoon in her room writing.

“What’re you working on?” Angela sat on the edge of her daughter’s bed. The memory of her conversation with Sheila burned in her mind. She felt like a traitor.

“A short story.” She held up a blue notebook. “I have lots of them.”

“What’s this one about?”

“A little girl named Emily. She’s a princess in a faraway land, where everyone else is a rabbit or a bear or a fox. She goes all her life not knowing where to find her prince until she meets a special woman on the other side of the mountains.”

“Hmm.” Angela nodded. “I love your imagination.”

“Even without a college degree?” She smiled at her mother. The ring Shane gave her was still on her finger, the two of them still believing that somehow one set of parents would give in and let them stay in the same house for the next six months. As Shane had pointed out the week before, they could even get married
now
with their parents’ permission. Not that anyone was about to grant that.

Angela stayed silent for a while and Lauren wrote a few more lines. Then she closed the notebook and looked at her mother. “Why was Mrs. Galanter here?”

Guilt poked pins at Angela and she forced a smile. “We were talking about their move. They haven’t decided on a house in California yet.”

“Shane’s meeting with his dad today. They might let him stay with one of his friends on the baseball team.” She smiled, content. No question about it. Lauren really believed it would work out and the two of them wouldn’t be separated.

Angela remembered Sheila’s tone.
Shane is coming with us
,
regardless of what he thinks
. She cleared her throat and tried to smile at her daughter. “I’m not sure about that, honey.”

“I am.” She set her notebook down beside her bed and sat cross-legged near her pillow. “God’ll work something out.”

“God, huh?” Angela felt a curious twist in her heart. She was the parent, after all. Talk about God at a time like this should’ve been coming from her and Bill. And it would one day, when they weren’t as busy, when they were out in the suburbs in Wheaton and life was simpler. Then they would go to church every weekend and figure out how to get more God into their every day.

Lauren looked out the window, her eyes gently pensive. “If we’d spent more time talking about God last summer, you know, putting Him first, then maybe we wouldn’t have made so many mistakes.”

They were quiet for a bit, and outside a light rain started to fall. Finally Angela found the words she was looking for. “Tell me how you feel about Shane.” Her voice was soft, not threatening the way so many of their conversations had been since the first of the year. “How do you really feel?”

Lauren wrinkled her nose, and her eyebrows lowered in a soft V. “You already know how I feel, Mom.”

“I know what you say. But that’s what you’re supposed to say. You’re pregnant. Of course you’re supposed to say you love him. But what does that really mean to you?”

Lauren exhaled slowly and looked out the window again. “It means that no matter what happens, even if they take him from me, a part of me will always stay with him.” She looked at her mother. “A part of him will always stay with me.” Her hands had been tucked beneath her knees, but now she held out her left hand. “I’ll wear his ring forever, Mother.” She smiled. “Shane Galanter loves me like no one else ever will. He stands up for me when no one else does, and he believes in me when I don’t believe in myself.” A laugh sounded low in her throat. “Everyone thinks we’re too young to know what love is. But I look at the way you and Daddy and the Galanters are, the way your friendship has died because of this, and you know what I think?”

Angela’s throat was thick, her emotions choking her. “What?”

“Being old hasn’t helped you know what love is, either.”

She didn’t want to cry, not with Lauren watching. But the tears came anyway, and since she couldn’t speak, she leaned in and hugged her daughter. Hugged her for a long time. As she left her room a few minutes later, the doubt she had about what they were doing to their children was no longer a single small thorn poking at her conscience.

It was a full-size dagger.