Every Day is Like Doomsday (12 page)

Elliot stopped. What she said made sense. Why
would a Villain need a friend? “So what am I to you?”
Innya laughed and jumped off of the counter. She
landed delicately on the balls of her feet and said, “You’re
a paycheck.”
“Well, that’s rude,” he said with what he hoped was
mock offense but what was really a whole lot of genuinely
hurt feelings.
“Just be careful, New Meat,” she said softly, sliding
up to him, close enough for him to embrace. His heart
jumped, his arms twitched and his head suddenly felt
fuzzy. She smelled like vanilla. “We are not to be trusted.”
Then she turned and started towards the door.
“Even you?” Elliot called out?
She looked over her shoulder, cocked one eyebrow
and asked, “You really have to ask that question?” and kept
walking. Elliot thought that standing alone in a group of
heavily armed Villains was a bad idea so he hurried after her.
Behind them he heard the teacher shout, “And
where do you two think you’re going?”
“Bite me,” called Innya over her shoulder. Elliot
didn’t bother to turn around to see the reaction but he
heard the teacher scream something unintelligible before
the door closed. A moment later there was another boom
and another plume of purple smoke billowed out of the
broken window.
“Holy crap, did we just make the teacher explode?”
“Doubt it. It was probably just P.M.S.”
“PMS made her explode?” Elliot asked, thoroughly
confused, “I didn’t know it could actually do that.”
“Not PMS. P.M.S.” Elliot stared at Innya blankly,
hoping she would choose to elaborate. Instead she said,
“Nevermind,” and kept walking very quickly in the direction of the cafeteria
He caught up with Innya and asked, “Are we going
to be in trouble?”
“If you care whether or not we’re going to be in
trouble then I cannot help you. Be a man. Take a stand.
Are you a weapons guy?”
“What do you mean?” he asked.
“Do you do computers, technology, gadgets? Can
you take things apart and put them back together?”
“No.”
“Then what are you going to get out of that class?”
Elliot thought for a moment. She was right, of
course, and it felt rather refreshing to admit it. Then he
thought of the one thing she would hate to hear and said,
“Friends?”
“Dear G.O.D. you are hopeless,” she said in frustration. She looked over at him with daggers in her eyes
but when she saw his grin she smiled as well. It disappeared almost as quickly as it had appeared, but it was a
genuine smile.
“Stop talking. I’m hungry,” she said suddenly.
“What does one have to do with the other?”he asked.
“Listening to you spew crap takes energy and I’m
all out. So shut up until I’ve been fed and if you can’t shut
up then go away.”
Elliot said nothing more as they walked just to
show her that he could be quiet. He didn’t much like it
but it was better than the alternative.

“There’s something to be said for home cooking,”
said Elliot as he drowned his overcooked hamburger
patty in ketchup and mustard. Innya didn’t respond so he
looked up from his culinary ministrations. She had her
headphones on and her hood up again. Elliot shrugged
and resigned himself to a silent lunch. At least this time
he had made it to the table without getting knocked
unconscious, a feat he had always taken for granted in the
past but never would again.

He covered the Technicolor mess that was his hamburger with the misshapen top bun and picked it up and
took a bite. It wasn’t half-bad, he thought. As he chewed
he watched the Villains standing in lines for the video
games. Dean Woon entered the cafeteria through a side
door and crossed his line of sight. The Dean walked to
the back of the room, stood between the two lines of
placid Villains waiting to get food and raised his hands
for silence.

“Innya,” Elliot said and touched her arm. Her eyes
flipped up and she shied away from his touch as if he had
leprosy. He realized that he had just made a grave error
but hoped that she would forgive him his trespasses once
she saw why he had interrupted her.

“The Dean,” he said and pointed behind her. She
turned so slowly that Elliot half-expected her to whip back
around in some freaky circus move and backhand him. But
when she saw the Dean she took the ear buds from her ears
and waited silently with the rest of them. All conversation
in the room died down until all you could hear were the
very realistic sound effects as characters in video games
were abandoned to get their asses kicked.

“Good afternoon, my tiny, evil minds,” Dean Woon
began. “Of course you know who I am and I know that
those of you who have been here for a while already know
what I am here to announce.”

The Dean paused and the room filled with titters
of excitement from the experienced kids and confusion
from those who had just arrived this year. Elliot fell into
the latter. He leaned toward Innya and whispered, “Do
you know what he’s talking about?” Innya only shrugged
without turning around.

“Well, you would be correct, except that this time
there is one small difference.” He paused again but this
time he closed his eyes and smiled, as if savoring a bite of
some delectable meal the likes of which they would never
serve in this cafeteria. “Your ideas are simply marvelous
but they are all wrong, I’m afraid.”

“So for all of you who have no idea what I’m talking
about. Let me fill you in. Every year for your mid-term we
send those students close to graduation to rob a local bank.”

There was a rush of excitement in the cafeteria as
everyone inhaled at the same time. Innya didn’t so much
as twitch but Elliot swore he could feel the excitement
running off of her skin.

Dean Woon didn’t wait for the din to die down
but continued his speech. “We have an agreement with
the banks in Fort Rose to use their property for training
exercises but we don’t tell them exactly when the heists
will happen each year, so you should still engender the
appropriate amount of terror.

“In the past each graduating student was allowed to
choose up to five peers of any age, of any talent, to participate in the exercise as minions. This would benefit the
chosen students because they would be better prepared
when their turn came to be a leader.”

Elliot immediately wondered if Innya would be
chosen to join a group and if she was, how much time
would she have to spend with him? All at once his own
excitement was dulled by the expectation of being alone
and the likelihood of getting murdered once he was. At
least I have my body armor, he reasoned, so I’d probably survive anything save a blow to the head. Or a blast
from that green-goo shooting gun. Or maybe even a real
gun. He couldn’t remember if the Dean had mentioned
whether or not the body glove was bulletproof. He’d have
to remember to ask.

Settle down, New Meat
, Elliot heard the Dean say
in his head.
Just wait and see what I have in store.
Holy crap, he just spoke directly to me, thought
Elliot. He quickly focused as hard as he could on the back
of Innya’s head and the way the hood on her hoodie came
to a little peak in the back in an effort to avoid giving
away any more personal thoughts.
Getting better
, said the Dean again in his head and
Elliot smiled at the compliment. Then he quickly stifled
the smile.
The Dean continued. “We decided that this process left too many students out of the fun. So this year
we’ve devised a new way to play. This year
everyone
will
be playing.”
The entire room erupted into cheers. Some people
were slapping each other on the back. Some were jumping up and down like little girls at the mention of a pony.
Some people were sitting quietly and watching the others make asses of themselves as they scribbled notes
into notebooks, probably already imagining their dream
teams. It felt like a pep rally from Fort Rose High and
instantly Elliot regretted thinking about his old life, his
old school, and his old friends. Cheer up, he told himself,
when all this is over you’ll have an awesome story and
what will they have besides a nasty case of the clap and
an illegitimate child? Then he felt guilty for thinking such
things and told himself to shut up.
“There are three caveats to this project and I must
make myself perfectly clear. First: each team must have
at least one beginning student. Any team that does not
have at least one beginning student will not be eligible
to compete for the prize. Second: All monies stolen during the exercise are to be returned to the exercise leader
on your bus, who will count and then return said monies
to the banks involved. Any attempts to keep money for
yourselves will be considered grounds for disqualification
and possible banishment. And third: there is not to be
any major property damage or loss of civilian life. Now,
would you like to know what this term’s prize is?”
A roar in the affirmative went up from the assembled students.
“For the members of the team that completes the
heist within the timeframe and following all of the rules,
our generous founder and benefactor has agreed to gift
each winning student $10,000 that will be deposited in
an account that is to be held in trust by the VA until you
graduate. Should we have a tie the team with the larger
haul will win. Now, are you ready to complete?”
“Yeah!” the students said almost as one.
Even though it had been a rallying speech, Dean
Woon’s voice had never been raised, never seemed excited,
and in fact seemed altogether too droll for the occasion.
Elliot had never before even thought the word droll, nevermind used it in a sentence, but in terms of Dean Ian
Woon it fit perfectly.
“For the rest of the week all classes except Strategy
are cancelled to allow you time to form your groups. Use
this time wisely because you will only have two weeks to
plan your heists. After that the exercise can be called at any
time so you must be prepared to leave at a moment’s notice.”
As soon as the Dean stopped talking the students
jumped up and began to run from table to table, recruiting
their teams. Elliot watched as the Dean turn to leave and
jumped when the Deans’ voice was in his head once more.
Elliot, be careful. There are those who wish you great
harm. Innya, keep a close eye on him. Where you go, he goes.
And then the Dean disappeared behind a wall of students.
Innya turned around, her eyes shining with excitement. “I will lead a group. I am a born leader.”
Elliot hated to be the one to throw the wet blanket
over her fiery zeal and so he didn’t bother telling her that
this was very unlikely, since she was a new kid as well. He
figured she would find out soon enough and probably kill
whoever gave her the bad news so he would do well to stay
out of it. But he did say, “Well, at least you’ll have to pick
me for your group since you’re in charge of my safety.”
Innya pursed her lips. “I don’t know about that.”
Elliot sighed and walked to the trashcan to toss
the remains of his less-than-palatable lunch as his mind
quickly shuffled through several scenarios for his death
like it was shuffling a stack of morbid playing cards. But
as he turned around he saw Innya smiling. When he came
back the smile disappeared and Innya stood up.
“Come on. I suppose we’ll think of something for
you to do in this whole bank robbery thing that won’t
get you killed.” Innya narrowed her eyes and scanned the
crowd of milling students.
Damn, she looks hot when she’s scheming, Elliot
thought. And when she was not scheming, he reminded
himself. And when she’s doing anything, he thought,
even kicking my ass.
As he was imagining her doing many hot, albeit
non-sexual,things Innya suddenly took off into the swarm
of plotting students. He started after her and almost lost
her several times as she weaved between the groups. He
didn’t even notice that he was passing by Red’s group but
they did. When Elliot walked by, his eyes searching for
Innya’s white-blonde hair in the crowd, Sonic stuck out
his foot and Elliot went flying into another group, knocking an open soda out of someone’s hand.
“I’m so sorry,” said Elliot as he stood up. His cheeks
flamed as he looked up and saw who he had run into.
The Twins were staring back at him with their strange,
androgynous faces.
“Nice going.”
“New Meat.”
Since they were some of the only kids who had not
been inordinately cruel to him since his arrival, Elliot
felt extra bad with a side of incredibly relieved. “Sorry
again,” he said and started searching for Innya again but
he couldn’t see her.
“Sorry again,” said Elliot. Or at least it sounded
like Elliot, but he hadn’t said anything else. He turned
back to The Twins and noticed who they had been talking
to. He was the most non-descript person Elliot had ever
seen. Average height. Average build. Definitely a boy but
with some vaguely feminine features, brownish hair and
brownish eyes.He was dressed in a black T-shirt with some
random gray design on it and a pair of dark blue jeans.
“How’d you do that?” Elliot asked, both fascinated
and a little weirded out.
“How’d you do that?” asked the stranger in Elliot’s
voice. He wondered if there was a word for the way he
felt, like déjà vu or something, only not that.
“What Elliot means is,” said Innya as she suddenly
appeared beside Elliot, much to his relief. “Can you only
repeat someone, effectively annoying them to death, or
can you actually use that talent of yours for evil?”
The student’s remarkably unremarkable face broke
out in a remarkably unremarkable grin and when he spoke
next it was in Innya’s voice. “I can do anything you want.”
Elliot got the feeling that this guy was imagining
what it would be like for Innya to actually say those words.
Elliot knew that’s what the guy was thinking because he
often entertained that same thought. Jealousy flared as
he watched Innya size up the human parrot for his evil
potential. Elliot wasn’t stupid. He knew he didn’t have a
chance in hell with Innya but he still saw this guy as a
threat and his hackles were raised.
Innya scowled at the human parrot, then at The
Twins who were watching the exchange with matching,
amused faces, then at Elliot, then back to the boy.
“Oh yeah. You’ll do nicely. You’re with us. What’s
your name?”
His face fell as he realized that Innya had no idea
who he was but he regained composure quickly and said,
“Dopple.”
“Good name,”Innya said appreciatively and Dopple
grinned. Elliot wanted to punch him in his smiling mouth
and wondered if maybe Dopple was the one who would
finally bring out Elliot’s innate Villainous abilities.He had
to admit that Dopple already had a starring role in some
truly violent fantasies.
“Hey, look at this.” Someone shoved a phone into
Elliot’s face. A video was playing. It took a moment for
his eyes to adjust but once they did his heart sank.
Elliot turned up the volume to its max to hear the
sound but it was still too loud in the cafeteria to hear
what was being said. It was a clip from that morning’s
network news showing Elliot’s father being hounded by
reporters. He couldn’t hear anything but the Senator did
not look pleased. In fact, Elliot didn’t think he had ever
seen his father so angry.That clip was followed by the clip
of Innya and Elliot from outside the VA the night they
teased Mr. Magnificent into shooting Innya in the butt.
Then the video switched back to an irritated-looking
Senator Vane.
“Ooooh, you’re in trouble,” said one of The Twins.
Elliot looked up in surprise. He hadn’t even realized that
they were still there.
“Why would they still be bugging him about this?”
asked Elliot.
“Who cares? Let’s plan our robbery. We can deal
with your daddy issues later.”
Innya bounded off, full of energy, and Elliot
slumped along behind her. “I am so dead,” he said again
to no one in particular.