Every Time We Kiss (14 page)

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled against her shoulder. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know.”

Gently he carried her to the bed and placed her down. Tears tracked down her cheeks. Tears he’d caused. He pushed her hair off her face and stared at the beautiful woman he’d hurt.

“I’m sorry,” he said, feeling utterly helpless and insensitive.

“Why did you believe I wasn’t a virgin?” she whispered.

Seeing the pain in her eyes, he had no choice but to tell her the truth. “John had implied…”

She pressed her lips together as more tears fell down her face. “He really said that about me?”

He gently placed his forehead on hers. “I’m sorry, Jennette. If I had known the truth…”

She raked her hands through his hair and gave him a watery smile. “It’s all right. It’s done now.”

“No, it’s not. I was a boorish brute and—”

She cut off his words with a passionate kiss. Pulling away slowly, she smiled at him, causing his heart to pound.

“I was told the first time could be painful.”

“It didn’t have to be that way. I didn’t know. I was insensitive and—”

“I’m feeling a little better. I think I’m getting used to you in there.”

“Oh?” His cock pulsed in anticipation.

“Maybe a few more kisses and we can try this again?” She skimmed her fingers down his chest in a flirty manner.

“As many as you want,” he said, lowering his head to hers again. Her soft lips opened for him and they found each other.

Steeled with control, he kissed down her chin, her neck, and chest until he found the little nub of her breast. Bringing it into his mouth, he heard her moan.

“Yes, more like that,” she whispered.

With those encouraging words, he moved to her other nipple. Suckling deeply, he felt her quiver under him. Moist heat surrounded his shaft and he couldn’t help but move slightly.

“Oh,” she exclaimed.

Damn. “Did that hurt?”

“No, please do that again.”

“With pleasure,” he whispered.

Slowly, he withdrew from her and then gently reentered her wetness. He watched her face for any sign of discomfort but only saw her eyes widen as he reached the apex of her. Confident that the worst was over, he repeated the motion faster and felt her close around him. He had to remain in control. He had to make this pleasurable for her.

She shifted her hips, bringing her legs higher on his waist, sending him in deeper. This time they both moaned as the sensation drew them together in timeless ecstasy.

“Matthew,” she whispered.

The sound of her voice urged him on. Wanting nothing more than to lose himself in her body, he increased his motions. He brought his fingers down on her clitoris, desperate for her to find her release.

Jennette moaned again as he touched her most sensitive spot. Sensations rolled like waves through her body as he stroked her. Climbing higher, she felt the pleasure radiating outward, upward until she clutched his shoulders and closed her eyes. Thousands of tiny stars lit up and she reached her release.

He increased his speed, stroking her harder as he reached for her hips and plunged in deeper. He groaned her name over and over as he spilled his seed into her. As he collapsed on top of her, they both struggled to regain control of themselves.

Jennette caressed his hair, as he nipped at her shoulder with his teeth. Her body felt sore and languid and ever so wonderful.

He lifted himself up slightly and smiled down at her. Her heart raced with the tilt of his lips. Gladness struck her as she thought about him being her first lover. The one man she’d wanted for years.

“I should leave,” she said, caressing his cheek with her hand.

He grabbed her wrist and brought it to his lips. “Not yet.”

“People will wonder where I am,” she protested.

“Let them wonder. No one down there gives a bloody damn about either one of us unless they can gossip about it.”

She tilted her head and stared at him. “I know, but my mother is one of them and she does care.”

He closed his eyes. “Just a few minutes more.”

She couldn’t resist the pleading look on his face. And truthfully, she had no desire to leave just yet. She wanted to savor every moment, every second she had with him. She would need these memories to keep her warm once she left the country.

They moved back against the pillows and covered their nakedness with the coverlet. He pulled her close so her head rested on his shoulder. Unable to keep her eyes open, she drifted off to sleep in the arms of the man who knew her deepest secrets. Or at least most of them…

Jennette watched Matthew as he showed his skill with the rapier. John parried and returned each thrust with less expertise until it became apparent to her that Matthew was holding back. Finally, John gave in and looked over at her.

“Do you want to have a try at it, Jennette?”

Matthew glared at his friend. “That is not a good idea, John. The grass is wet.”

“I’ll be perfectly all right,” she retorted. “I’ve been practicing with Banning since I was ten.” She held out her hand for the rapier.

“There is no plug on it,” Matthew warned again. “The tip is very sharp.”

Jennette shook her head. She’d show him what she was capable of, at least with a sword. “I can handle a sword.”

She grabbed the sword from the handsome man. His long, thick fingers held on to hers for a moment. A spark of awareness shot up her arm. His chestnut hair was shorter today as if his valet had just cut it. But she shouldn’t be noticing him.

“Come along, then.” John took his position.

She stood across from him and tried to concentrate on him, her betrothed. But she knew her feelings for John had changed over the past two months. She didn’t feel the attraction for John that he felt for her.

Her gaze slid to Matthew, who sat on the bench frowning at them both. He shook his head as he watched them. Jennette’s hand shook as she drew the rapier in front of her. As she stepped forward, she slid a glance to Matthew to see if he was watching.

But as she pressed forward, determined to gain his attention, her foot slipped on the grass and she fell toward John….

Jennette woke with a start. Looking over at Matthew, her heart raced. It was true. John’s death was no accident. She
had
killed him. Her attention had been on Matthew, not on the wet grass, not on the sword in her hand…not on her betrothed.

Her gaze had been on Matthew.

Her mind on the words he’d said to her that day. Admitting he desired her. Telling her that he must leave because it hurt to watch them together. And that kiss. While she had pushed him away in shock, she’d known in that instant that John had never made her feel like Matthew had.

She glanced over at him and pressed her lips tightly together. She’d slept with him. She let him make love to her. This shouldn’t have happened. Never should she have let him do this to her.

What would John think of her? He’d loved her and she never returned his feeling as strongly as she should have.

What if she had killed him on purpose?

While she’d intended to break her engagement to John later that day, she had tried before but had lost her courage every time. Maybe unknowingly, she had found the easiest solution to her problem.

She covered her mouth with her shaking hands as she stared at the sleeping man. What had she done tonight! She’d given in to her wildest fantasies only to realize the truth. She was a terrible person. If not for her, John would be alive.

And Matthew wouldn’t be in the dreadful position in which he currently found himself.

Everything that had happened was due to her attraction to the wrong man. Why couldn’t she have loved John enough? He’d been a good man. Why couldn’t she keep her hands off Matthew? She’d ruined the lives of two good men. And why? Lust, desire, and yearning for something she should have left alone.

She was a horrible person.

Knowing she couldn’t stay in this room a moment longer, she carefully disentangled herself from the bedcovers. Her clothes lay in a heap by the door where he’d kissed her naked body only two hours ago. Quietly, she slipped on her undergarments until she picked up her stays and realized she’d never be able to get them on alone. It didn’t matter. She would run to her room.

Where her mother would be waiting for her, wondering why Jennette held her stays in her hand. Oh dear God, this couldn’t get any worse, could it? There had to be someone who could help her out of this mess. Her gaze landed on Matthew.

No. He was part of the reason she was in this horrible position. Even if none of this was his fault, he would try to convince her that she was wrong about everything. But she wasn’t. She had to find someone to assist her.

Avis and Elizabeth were here. Jennette closed her eyes in thought. Avis couldn’t help her because Banning had barely left her side the entire party. There appeared no other choice but Elizabeth.

Jennette slid into her gown, struggled with the buttons, then crouched down to pick up her stays. She stilled her movements as Matthew stirred on the bed. He rolled over and continued to sleep.

After waiting a minute to make certain he had truly returned to sleep, she slipped out the door. She glanced in both directions and thanked God no one was about, and then raced to Elizabeth’s room.

Only the dancing flames of the fireplace lit the room and spread its warmth, but it mattered not. Elizabeth hadn’t returned yet. Now Jennette was stuck here waiting for a friend who had a bad habit of staying up late.

She lay on the bed, staring at the coffered ceiling and wondering how she could have created such a mess of her life. Her actions both that day and tonight would have horrified John. Tears burned her cheeks.

If she hadn’t been attracted to Matthew, none of this would have happened. John would still be alive. Matthew would still have his place in Society. And she…?

She would be free of this damned guilt that ate at her every day of her life.

“Jennette?”

Jennette blinked her eyes open and briefly wondered where she lay. Until Elizabeth stepped closer and the memories flooded back. “Elizabeth, I need your help.”

Her friend eyed the bed and nodded. “I believe you do. What happened to you tonight?”

She should keep her secrets, but she’d been holding them in for so long she just blurted out, “I slept with a man tonight.”

Elizabeth’s mouth dropped. “You did what?”

Jennette cringed at the condemning sound of her voice. “I slept with—”

“Who?” Elizabeth moved to stand directly in front of the bed.

“Blackburn,” Jennette whispered, staring at the coverlet.

“What would possess you to do such a thing? And with him?”

Obviously, Elizabeth had never fallen victim to lust. “I’m not certain. I went to his room to—”

“You went to his room! His room!” Elizabeth’s voice rose with each sentence.

“Shh, you shall wake everyone.” Jennette sat up on the bed and then patted a spot for Elizabeth. “I needed to apologize to him.”

Elizabeth sat on the bed and stared at her. “Then why didn’t you wait until morning?”

Staring at her hands, she replied, “I couldn’t. You were in the room. You heard how horrible Mr. and Mrs. Marston were to him. I knew he would try to leave the party.”

“That’s no excuse. You know better than to go to any man’s room.”

“Elizabeth, you sound like my mother, not my friend.”

Elizabeth sighed. “I’m sorry. It’s just that my mother always warned me about what happens when a lady does such a thing.” She leaned in closer. “But what was it like?”

“Different,” Jennette replied with a frown. “He didn’t know I was a virgin until it was too late.”

“He thought you had done that with another man? What type of lady does he think you are?” Elizabeth bristled.

“John and I were engaged for over two months. Perhaps he assumed we had been intimate.” She couldn’t tell Elizabeth what Matthew had said about John. Jennette wondered what would have possessed John to tell Matthew such a dreadful lie about her.

“But how did it feel?” Elizabeth pressed again.

Jennette bit her lip. “Once I became used to him being in there…it was really the most wondrous sensation I’ve ever felt.”

“So when are you two announcing your engagement?”

“Our what?” Jennette exclaimed. She couldn’t marry Matthew. Wedding him would ruin them both.

“Why do you look so surprised, Jennette? You laid with him, now you marry him. That is the way these things work.”

“Not for me.” Jennette rose from the bed and paced the room. “I have no plans to marry him.”

Elizabeth reclined on the bed with a slight smile. “Of course, just as Avis never intended on marrying your brother.”

“And she didn’t until she realized she could overcome her fear of marriage. I have no fear of marriage but wedding Matthew would be a colossal mistake for both of us.”

“Why?”

Jennette looked away. “The gossips would just love to tell everyone how they knew Matthew had killed John so we could be together.”

“But that was five years ago, Jennette.”

“It makes no difference. Besides, he’s a gambler.”

“Indeed? I have heard none of that. Certainly his father and brother gambled, but not Blackburn,” Elizabeth said, shaking her head.

“It makes no difference. I cannot marry the man,” Jennette insisted.

“If you say so,” Elizabeth said in a singsong tone.

Frustration seeped into Jennette. “You believe everything your mother told you. If you make love with a man you must marry him.”

“That is how it’s done, Jennette.”

“Not for everyone…not for me.” She pointed a finger at Elizabeth. “Someday you shall find a man attractive but perhaps not marriageable, and you’ll wonder. And you will contemplate what he looks like without his clothes. And before you know what happens, you will be in his bed and you won’t care about the consequences.”

Elizabeth laughed. “I hardly think that will ever happen. I am five and twenty—”

“As am I.” She grabbed the bedpost. “And one day, you will start to wonder just what you’ve missed.”

“I will not!”

Jennette shook her head. “Please just help me lace my stays. My mother is going to have my head for staying up this late with you.”

Jennette slowly opened the door to her room, praying her mother was asleep.

“If you think you can sneak in, you are sadly mistaken, my dear.”

Damn.
She opened the door and walked inside feeling the guilt of her actions again.

“Where have you been?” her mother demanded. She crossed her arms over her chest and looked every bit the angry, worried mother.

“I was with Elizabeth, in her room talking.”

“And exactly where were you when she was in the salon playing whist with Avis?”

“Waiting for her in her room.” Jennette pulled at the few pins holding up her hair. Thankfully, she’d snatched some of Elizabeth’s pins.

“Did you go to him?”

Jennette turned and stared at her mother. “What?”

“I know what happened in the salon. Did you go to him?”

“Why would I do such a thing?”

Her mother shook her head. “Jennette, I know how softhearted you are. I also know you feel guilty because of the way Society treats him.”

“It isn’t right,” Jennette said, sinking to the bed. “It was an accident.”

“But not the first for him.”

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“Lord Blackburn ran with a fast set after Eton. One rainy night, he made a wager with a friend that his horse could best his friend’s. It was dark and wet and Lord Culpert wasn’t the best rider and took a dreadful fall. He died two months later from his injuries.”

Jennette looked away so her mother would not notice the tears welling in her eyes.
A wager.
He’d bet on a race and the other man died. “I had no idea.”

“And you know the
ton
. There is no such thing as
two
accidents.”

She stifled the urge to run to him and beg for his forgiveness again. After what they did tonight, she didn’t believe she could ever face him. It felt as if they had both betrayed John with their actions. That was bad enough, but she’d already been disloyal to John by agreeing to marry him when she was attracted to his best friend.

“Mother, thank you for explaining what happened. But I wasn’t with him tonight.” She kept her eyes locked on the fireplace, afraid her intuitive mother would discover her lie.

“As I have told you before, he is a good man. But after the Marstons’ outburst, marrying him might ruin you both.”

“I know that, Mother.” And she couldn’t do anything to hurt him again. She had done far too much already.

Matthew rolled over leisurely as he awoke. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt this sated. It almost felt as if he had been dreaming. Reaching over he patted the empty space next to him.

Had it been a dream?

Had he imagined everything that happened last night? It couldn’t have been his imagination because she’d been here, standing at the door. The anguish of her guilt stamped upon her face.

What had started as an attempt to comfort her ended with her sensual, long legs wrapped tightly around him as he rutted with her like an animal. God, she’d been a virgin and he’d taken her as if she was a common strumpet.

She must hate him for what he’d done.

Guilt slid its tentacles around his heart and mind, constricting tightly. It was John’s fault. John had led him to believe that it wouldn’t be her first time. Matthew covered his face with his hands and groaned.

John must have suspected Matthew’s feelings for Jennette. What better way to keep him away from her? Matthew should have known better than to believe his friend about Jennette’s virtue. Never had he heard a word about her being anything but an honorable lady.

She hadn’t even awakened him when she left in the middle of the night. If someone had seen her wandering the halls with her hair down and her dress disheveled, her reputation would be ruined.

Unless she’d been seen leaving his room, then he would save her with marriage. That might be for the best after all. If only that would absolve his guilt for his mistreatment of her last night. Or relieve his conscience for bedding the woman John had professed to love.

“This is a damnable mess,” he muttered.

Sitting up slowly, he looked at his valise and wondered if he should just quit the party and return to London. But doing so would keep him away from her. He should just compromise her publicly and be done with it. Selby would force a marriage and that would be the end.

Except it would only be the beginning of a lifetime of more remorse. Matthew swore softly. He was damned sick of all the guilt. He shouldn’t have told her how he felt five years ago. He shouldn’t have threatened to blackmail her into marriage when he knew he’d never be able to go through with it. He shouldn’t have kissed her in the billiard room at Lady Elizabeth’s house.

And he never should have seduced her last night.

But he had. His honor demanded that he marry her now regardless of the guilt, no matter her objections. He would stay and find someone to walk in on them as they kissed. It was a simple solution to a dreadful situation. Then he would spend the next forty years trying to gain her forgiveness.

And Matthew knew just the man to help him with his problem—Somerton. Somerton could convince someone with influence to accompany him to a room where Matthew and Jennette were kissing. The outrage would be enough for Selby to accept him as a brother-in-law without causing enough of a scandal for a duel.

With a plan in place, he quickly performed his morning ablutions, dressed, and readied himself for the gossips in the breakfast room. As he walked toward the door, hairpins crunched under his feet. Each pin he stepped on brought the guilt of his mistreatment of her back in full force. He’d be damned lucky if she ever spoke to him again, much less entered a room alone with him.

Pushing away the shame, he walked to the morning room determined not to let their petty talk bother him any longer. Several people looked up at him as he entered. Everyone glanced away from him and most appeared embarrassed.

“Glad to see you didn’t run off,” Somerton said from behind him.