Every Tongue Got to Confess (6 page)

He say tuh de man: “Cap’n, Ah’d lak tuh go cross here tuhday.”

De white man didn’t look up, still he jus’ retched out his hand fuh de pass an’ de boy says: “Ah ain’t got no pass, cap’n, but Ah’m liable tuh give yuh uh couple hunded dollahs fur keerin’ me cross.”

De white man put down his paper an’ looked at ’im an’ said: “Oh, you got to, got to lick Venus, got to lick Venus an’ her puppies (pistol and six bullets) or you can’t cross here.” (Sung to the tune of “You must have dat true religion.”)

De boy reached in his shirt an’ tole ’im, “Ah got uh thirty-two-twenty; b’lieve tuh mah soul it’s uh doggone plenty. If dat ain’t enough Ah got uh forty-four-forty an’ uh pocket full uh cartidges an’Ah’m goin’ cross here.” (Sung to same air.)

Dat white man looked at dat pistol, begin tuh clap his hands an’ says: “Oh, git on board, lil childen, git on board lil childen,
git on board lil childen, dere’s room for many uh mo’.” (Chorus of “Git on board”.)

De boy come on cross an’ kep’ on travelin’. Way afterwhile he come home. He had done been off seben years when he got back. It wuz uh cold night when he come tuh de door an’ knocked an’ de ole man said: “Who is dat?”

An’de boy said: “It’s me, John.” De ole man let ’im in an’ he looked so well de ole man wuz glad tuh see ’im, so he ast ’im where he been all dis time, an’ he says: “You tole me to go tuh hell, didn’t yuh? Well, Ah went.” He looked round an’ seen six preachers settin’ tuh de fire.

“Naw! Whut wuz hell lak?”

“Jus’ lak here. Ah couldn’t git tuh de fire fuh de preachers.”

—J
AMES
P
RESLEY.

During slavery there was an old slave named Jeff and he used to serve his old master so well that he used to give him his old clothes once in a while.

One time he gave Jeff a good pair of pants that he didn’t like for some cause and Jeff decided—now that he had something nice to wear—to join the church, but he wanted to join the white church. So when Sunday came, he went and took a seat in the back of the church, and when they opened the doors of the church, he got up and told them he wanted to join.

You know they didn’t want him in the church; but the preacher didn’t exactly know how to turn him off; so he asked him, he said: “Jeff, do you think the Lord intended for you to join this church?”

Jeff said, “Why sho, He tole me to go unite myself wid a church, an’ de niggers ain’t got none; so He musta meant for me to join dis one.”

“Jeff, I think you are mistaken. You didn’t understand Him. I tell you what to do. You go back and ask him again, and if He tells you to come here again—why, then you can join.”

Jeff knew that the preacher had just taken a way to get rid of him, so he waited a long time before he went back; but finally he did go, and when the doors of the church were opened, he went up again.

The preacher said, “Well, Jeff, what did the Lord tell you this time?”

“I went back and ast de Lawd agin lak you tole me about joinin’ dis church.”

“Well, what did He say, Jeff?”

“He say dat a good Christian lak me oughter been ’shamed of myself for even comin’ here thinkin’ ’bout joinin’ dis church. He says He ain’t never even joined here hisself. Fact is, He don’t think He could git in if He wuz to try.”

Then Jeff walked on out dat church and never came back.

—L
OUISE
N
OBLE
.

Preacher had a son that was just crazy ’bout card playin and gamblin. So one Sunday he was at it wid some of his friends and his old man come in. The boy was scared to let his pa ketch ’im so, you know in them days, preachers used to wear long dusters. So he had one hanging long side de wall. So de boy just stuck de cards in de pocket of de coat and make out he wasn’t doing a thing. So de preacher put de coat on and went on down to de river to baptize some converts. De boy and his mama went too.

So when de preacher got out waist deep out come de ace. Next thing a king, next a queen and jack. Then de deuce. (A good poker hand)

De boy’s mama hollered: “Oh, my husband done lost!” (She meant his soul, thinking he had taken to gambling.)

Boys says: “Well, mama, if papa lose wid a hand like that he don’t deserve no sympathy.”

—M
ACK
C. F
ORD.

Once there was a preacher in the pulpit that had a handkerchief in his pocket. A man slipped a lamp eel in his pocket. The preacher reached his hand in his pocket to get his handkerchief, and grabbed the lamp eel by the head. He went to hollering and said, “What is it, what is it, what is it?”

An old sister in the church said, “I don’t know what in the hell it is, but don’t throw it on me.”

—J
OE
W
ILEY.

There was a man went to church every Sunday and he would shout and run all over the church. One of the deacons of the church told the man if he would stop shouting and running around all over the church he would get him a pair of boots. The man stood it for about two Sundays. When the preacher was preaching, the man got happy and said: “Boots or no boots!” and started to shouting.

—D
AVID
L
EVERETT.

Too many people say step out on de
word
. But all dem words don’t say preach. Sometimes God writes and just as soon as God git to de letter P—they run off and go preach. God wuz gointer say ‘plow’, but they don’t wait tuh see.

Now, one time uh jackass sent uh man tuh preach. They wuz two brothers and both of ’em wuz preaching and one always had big charges, so de other one went down in de woods and prayed to de Lord to know if he wuz called. About a mile or more through de woods uh man had a jackass and he wuz
hungry, so just as de man ast de Lord dat, he whickered: “Waa-anh Wanh! Go preach, go preach!”

De man jumped up and went and tole folks he wuz called to preach. But look like he never could git no good charges. He wuz always on turpentine stills and sawmill camps. So one day he met his brother and ast him how come, and his brother tole him, says: “You sho de Lord done called you to preach?” He tole him yeah, he heard de voice distinct. Says, “You better go ast Him agin.”

So he went back to de same praying ground, but de woods wuz cut down. So when he ast de Lord dis time, de jackass whickered agin and de man looked up and seen him, and says: “Yes, youse de son of a gun
*
sent me off to preach last time.”

—E
UGENE
O
LIVER
.

There was a little boy lived on a hill and it was a thicket between his home and the schoolhouse. One day he was coming from school. He was going up the hill and met a bear. The boy came running back down the hill and he met a preacher. The preacher saw him running and asked, “What’s the matter, son?”

The boy told him that a bear got after him. The preacher asked him why didn’t he stop and pray, and the boy said, “I didn’t have time.”

The preacher said, “I am going up there—watch me.”

The boy watched the preacher. After while the preacher came running down. The boy asked what was the matter. The preacher said, “A bear got after me, son. A prayer is all right in prayer meeting, but it ain’t worth a damn in bear-meeting.”

—E
DWARD
M
ORRIS.

My daddy was a great preacher. One Sunday he got to preaching and said: “When I get to heaven, I am going to fly around awhile, then I am going to put on my golden slippers and walk around awhile.”

There was a bunch of boys standing around the church house peeping in the windows. So the preacher said, “I am going to see God for myself. I am going to tell him how you treated me. I am going to be on Hallelujah Street, and then I am going to have some fun.” And he wanted to show the people how he was going to have fun. He started to sit down in the window, but it was up and he fell out on the ground. The boys came running around the church house to see what had happened. The preacher said, “What in the hell is you all coming around here for? The fun is all over now.”

—L.O. T
AYLOR
.

There was two colored preachers went to Mississippi to run revival and ran their meeting for two weeks.

At the end of the meeting they had gained a lot of souls. So on their way back to Alabama they stopped to count money, and to their surprise they had a hundred bucks a-piece.

The younger preacher said to the old one, “Let’s shoot some craps.”

The older one said, “No, no, I’ve quit all that for twenty years.”

So the younger one kept on persuading him until finally the game started. The younger preacher had a sharp shot they called the Hudson; the older preacher had the shot they call the Up-and-Out.

So him and him! The old preacher losing all the time. So when he got to his last dollar he opened his knife—(Soliloquy): “And as soon as the younger one make that point I am going to take my money back.”

The younger one was watching him all the time, so he continued to shoot. As soon as the point was made the old one fastened
him around the neck and said: “Give me my money! I’ve ’hark from the tomb around your neck,” not noticing the thirty-two–twenty the younger preacher had in his side. So the young preacher said, “Yes, but I’ve got the doleful sound.”

So the old one looked and saw the gat and said, “The doleful sound gets it.” So I being there, I asked the bushes to go my bond.
*

—J
OE
W
ILEY.

I had the occasion of leaving Alabama and going to Georgia. While being in Georgia I attended a meeting runned by Reverend Fullbosom. So the meeting lasted one week.

So all the time meeting was going on, nobody wouldn’t bow down, neither say “amen” to nothing said.

So the church had only one door and one window, and the window was in the pulpit behind the preacher. So the last night of the meeting, Reverend Fullbosom carried his fifty-six special; so when church begin Reverend said: “Brothers and sisters, we are about to end our meeting, so Brother Sexton, lock the door and bring me the key.” So he did, the sexton being peg-legged.

About that time I was a mourner.

Reverend Fullbosom said, “I’ve preached to all of you one week and not a one of you have even bowed down.” So he opened his grip and out with his fifty-six special and said: “Now, all of you thieves, and robbers, hoboes, cut-throats, and rounders, BOW DOWN!”

So they begin to bow. So the peg-leg man thought it was impossible for him to bend that peg, so he said: “Brother Pastor, me too?”

Reverend said, “Yes, you peg-leg son of a gun, BOW DOWN!”

So when I looked around the sexton was on both knees singing: “If my wife is in this church, tell her to come here please; if she ain’t got time to come, tell her to send me them keys.”

So Reverend made three shots in the church and everybody went to run and made for the side of the church, and running so fast they carried it twenty-eight miles before they thought to turn it loose.

—J
OE
W
ILEY.

“Say, boy, where have you been?”

“I been to hell and everywheres else, mister.”

“What did you see there?”

“I saw a preacher and some boys. The boys was shooting crap on Sunday. The preacher scolded them and told them they ought not to do that. So the boys told the preacher that they were going to find Jesus next Sunday. So the boys had dirty
*
under a hat and covered it up. The preacher was standing up and they all said, ‘We have found Jesus.’

“ ‘Where is he,’ said the preacher?

“ ‘You pick it up,’ said the boys.

“So the preacher picked the hat up and said, ‘Well, boys, Jesus done defecated and gone.’ ”

—E
DWARD
M
ORRIS.

The’ passed the communion cup to a woman and she turned it up to her head and drunk it all up. She rubbed her belly and hand de cup back to de deacon and says: “Hah! I could drink uh quart uh dat wine for my sweet Jesus.”

Baptis’ and Meth’dis’ always got a pick out at one ’nother.

One time two preachers—one Meth’dis’ and de other Baptis’ wuz on a train and de engine blowed up. When they started up in de air de Baptis’ preacher hollered: “I bet I go higher than you.”

A man had two sons. One was name Jack and de other one was name Frank. So they got grown and their father called ’em one day and says, “Now, y’all are grown. Here’s five hundred dollars a piece. Go out for yourself.”

Frank took his and went and bought him a farm and settled down.

Jack took his and went on down de road. He got into a crap game and bet his five hundred dollars and won. He bet five hundred more and won agin.

He went walking on down de road and met a man. “Good morning, my boy, what might be your name?”

“My name is Jack. Who are you?”

“Lie-a-road to ketch meddlers.”

Jack says, “I speck youse de man I’m looking for to play me some five-up.”

“All right, let’s go.”

So they set down and played and Jack lost. “I got five hundred more that says I’ll win.” They played and Jack lost agin. “Well,” he says, “I got five hundred more.” He lost dat.

Den de man says, “I tell you what I’ll do. I’ll play you a game for your life against all the money.”

Jack lost again. So the man he says, “My name is the devil. My home is across the Atlantic ocean. If you gets there before this sun rises and goes down again I’ll save your life. If not, you’ll have to die.”

Jack was down by de road crying and a ole mast ast him, “What you crying for?”

Jack says, “I played five-up wid de devil and he have won my life. He’s gone back across the Atlantic Ocean. He told me if I’m not there before the sun rises and goes down again he’s bound to take my life. I don’t see no chance of getting there.”

Old man says, “Youse in a pretty bad fix, all right. There’s only one thing can cross de ocean in twelve hours. That’s a bald eagle. She comes here every morning and dips herself in de ocean and walks out and plucks off her dead feathers. Now you be here tomorrow morning with a bull yearling; when she get through plucking her feathers she’ll be ready to go. You mount her back wid dis bull yearling and every time she hollers, you put a piece of meat in her mouf and she’ll carry you straight across de ocean by nine o’clock.”

Jack was there de nex’ morning wid de bull yearling and saw
de eagle when she dipped herself in de ocean and come out on shore to pick off her dead feathers. She dipped herself the second time and shook herself. When she rocked herself and made ready to mount the sky, Jack mounted her back wid his yearling.

After while she hollered, “Hah-ah! one quarter cross de ocean. I don’t see nothing but blue water.” Jack tore off one de hams of dat yearling and stuck it in her mouf and she flew on.

After a while, “Hah-ah! half way cross de ocean—don’t see nothing but blue water, hah!” He give her de hind quarters and she flew on.

After while, “Hah-ah! mighty nigh cross de ocean—don’t see nothing but blue water, Hah!” He give her de rest and pretty soon she landed. Jack hopped off and met an old black man with red eyes and ast him if he know where de devil live at. He told him, “Yeah, he live in de first little house down de road.”

He knocked on de door and de devil opened it. “Well, you made it, didn’t you? Come in and have breakfast with me.”

After breakfast he says to Jack. “I got a lil job for you to do and if you do it, you can have my youngest daughter; but if you fail I’ll hafta take yo’ life. I got seventy-five acres of new ground—never a bush cut on it. Every bush, every tree, every stump got to be cut and piled up and burnt before twelve o’clock.”

Jack went on down there and went to work; then he begin to cry and de devil’s youngest daughter come down wid his breakfast. She says, “Whut’s de matter, Jack?”

“Your father gimme a hard task. I can’t clean all dis off by twelve o’clock.”

“Eat yo’ breakfast, Jack, and lay yo’ head in my lap and go to sleep.”

Jack done so, and when he woke up every bush, every tree, every stump was cut and piled up and burnt. So Jack went on back to de house.

“I got one more little hard task for you to do. If you do, you kin have my daughter; if you don’t, I’ll hafta take yo’ life. I got a well three thousand feet deep—I want every drop of water dipped out and bring me whut you find on the bottom.”

Jack went to dipping the water out de well, but it run in faster then he could dip it out; so he set down and went to crying. Here come de devil’s daughter and ast him, “Whut’s de matter, Jack?”

“Your father have give me another hard task. I can’t do this work.”

“Lay down and put your head in my lap and go to sleep.”

Jack done so and after while she woke him up and hand him a ring and tole him: “Heah, take dis to papa. That’s whut he want. Mama was walking out here de other day and lost her ring.”

Devil says, “I got one more task for you to do and you kin have my youngest daughter. If you don’t, I’ll hafta take your life.” De devil had some coconut palms three hundred fifty feet high. He tole Jack, “You kill these two geeses and go up dat palm tree and pick ’em and bring me back every feather.”

Jack took de geeses and went on up de tree and de wind was blowing so strong he couldn’t hardly stay up there. Jack started to cry. Pretty soon here come de devil’s daughter. “Whut’s de matter, Jack?”

“Your father have give me too hard a task. I can’t do it.”

“Just lay your head in my lap and go to sleep.”

Jack done so and she caught the feathers that had got away from Jack and when he woke up she hand him every feather and de geese and says: Heah, take ’em to papa and let’s get married.”

So de devil give them a house to start housekeeping in.

That night the girl woke up and says: “Jack, father is coming after us. He’s got two horses out in the barn and a bull. You hitch up de horses and turn their heads to us.”

He hitched up de horses and she got in and off they went.
De devil misses ’em and run to git his horses. He seen they was gone, so he hitched up his bull. De horses could leap one thousand miles at every jump and de bull could jump five hundred. Jack was whipping up dem horses but de devil was coming fast behind them and de horses could hear his voice one thousand miles away. One of ’em was named Hallowed-Be-Thy-Name and the other one Thy-Kingdom-Come.

De devil would call, “Oh, Hallowed-Be-Thy-Name, Thy-Kingdom-Come! don’t you hear your Master calling you? Jump Bull, jump five hundred miles.” Every time he’d holler de horses would fall to their knees and de bull would gain on ’em.

De girl says, “Jack, get out de buggy and drag your heel nine steps backward and throw dirt over your left shoulder and git back in and let’s go.”

They did this three times before de horses got so far off they couldn’t hear their master’s voice. After dat they went so fast they got clean away. De devil kept right on coming and so he passed an old man and ast: “Did you see a girl black as coal, with eyes of fire, wid a young man in a buckboa’d?” He tole him yeah. “Where did you hear ’em say they were going?”

“On de mountain.”

“I know ’tain’t no use now, I can’t ketch ’em. (Chant) Turn, bull, turn clean around, turn bull, turn clean around.”

De bull turnt so short till he throwed de devil out and kilt him and broke his own neck.”

That’s why they say, “Jack beat the devil.”

—J
ERRY
B
ENNETT.

There was one man and his wife who always lived lovin’. They never had fussed since they had been married. Devil didn’t like dat so he decided to break ’em up. He
tried and tried, but he was about to give up one day when he stopped a woman’s house to get a drink of water. So she ast him why he looked so downhearted and he tole her he been trying to break up a couple for two years and they just wouldn’t fuss.

So she says, “If you will gimme a new pair shoes, I betcher I kin git ’em to fussin’ and quarrelin’.”

So he tole her he would. So she quit whut she was doin’ and went on over to de couple’s house. De woman was sweepin’ and singin’. De woman says, “You so happy, I’m sorry I come.”

“How come? Don’t you like to see folks happy?”

“Yes, thass how come I wish I hadn’t come here. Youse too good a woman to have such a deceitful man. I ain’t goin’ tuh tell you whut he done, so don’t ast me.”

De woman says, “Nobody can’t make me b’lieve my husband ain’t right. Not even de devil hisself couldn’t break us up.”

“Oh, I ain’t trying, thass how come I ain’t goin’ to tell you nothin’. But if you jus’ watch you’ll see for yourself. Nobody won’t have to tell you if you keep yo’ eyes open.”

Then she left de woman and went on down in de fiel’ where de man was plowin’. “Hello, brother, you sho is a smart man. That’s whut makes me sorry to see a man like you wid a woman that keeps secrets from him.”

“My wife ain’t got no secrets from me. Thass one thing we don’t do, is keep things from one ’nother.”

“Well, all I got to say is, long as a person don’t open up a box you can’t tell whut they got in it. You jus’ got to take they word for it. A secret wouldn’t be a secret if ever body knowed it. Don’t think I come to talk about nobody. I wouldn’t tell you nothin’, not even if you paid me. But if you keep yo’ eyes open an’ yo’ mouf shet and nobody won’t have to tell you nothin’.”

So she went on ’bout her business. Devil hung round where he could watch. De man come in and never said a word. De wife got busy wid de cookin’ and she never spoke. He took
down de wash pan and started to washin’ his hands. She come snatched de towel out his hands and wiped her face with it. He set on de stoop and wouldn’t ast her wuz dinner ready. She took de broom and swept all over him and wouldn’t ast him to move.

He says, “Looka heah, ole nigger ’oman, whut de hell’s de matter wid you? If you wanta know, I kin knock some uh dat hell out you anytime you git too high.”

She up and tole ’im, “Looka here, Mr. Nappy-chin, I kin make out without you any day in the week. Gwan, hit me! I dare you!”

So they fought all over de house before they thought to git de thing straight. So de devil went on and give de woman de new pair of shoes.

—G
ENEVA
W
OODS.

Once I wuz travelin’ huntin’ uh job tuh work, and met uh man wid two horses. He ast me if I wanta work. I tole ’im, yes suh. He said, one of de horses was swift ez de wind and de other wuz a little bit swifter.

He tole me tuh go tuh his house and git his shotgun and one shell tuh kill enough birds to build uh bridge across de devil’s trussle (trestle). I didn’t do lak he tole me. I went an’ got uh whole handful uh shells. He tole me after I build dat bridge dat I could have his daughter.

I went out dere and shot up one tree and all de birds flew out dat tree intuh another one. Went over and shot in de other tree, and by dat time the devil’s daughter come out dere where I wuz. She ast me couldn’t I kill ’em. I tole her naw.

She took de gun and shot and here come a bundle of birds fallin’ down and she took de toes fur de nails, and she took de thighs fuh de logs to cross de bridge, and she took de backs fur de boards (floors), so she bilt de bridge and she tole me: “Papa ain’t gointer let me go wid you.” She tole me, “When you
come up dere tonight, when he snore so loud—he ain’t sleep. Wait till he breathes easy. Then, you ketch dem two horses,” says, “an’ we’ll go.”

She give me one-half uh banana, and tole me to put dat in my pocket. She give me one-half uh peanut, and tole me to put dat in my pocket. She give me uh egg, and tole me to put dat in my pocket. And so she tole me, “When we go to my grandma’s house, she got a lil fice (dog) and ef he kiss me, I won’t see you no mo’, and ef he kiss you, you won’t see me no mo’.”

He had an ole jumpin’ bull jump five thousand miles every time he jump. De horses wuz named Three Color and Changeable. Every time you say “Changeable” he be changing states dat quick.

So when we saw her daddy coming, she tole me to han’ her de egg. She throwed it crost her left shoulder and it made a great big river, and he had tuh go back home tuh git his blood hounds to drink up all de water so he could come on across.

Look back agin and saw him comin’ on his bull, and so she tole me tuh hand her dat half uh banana. She throwed dat crost her left shoulder, and dere come a great big banana field. She said, “Papa love bananas, an’ I know he’ll hafter stop and git some of those.”

He stopped and turnt roun’ and carried some bananas back to de house. While he was carrying those bananas back to de house, we dodged him. So we got dere and we stopped and went in, an’ so we wuz setten down talkin’ and de lil ole fice come dere to play with me, and I pat ’im on de head. When I know anything, he had done kiss me “bap” in de mouth, and I ain’t seen my gal no mo’.

—J
ULIUS
H
ENRY.

There was a young man, very nice young man, raised nice, and he married a very nice girl and they loved one another dearly. And they lived so happy together and de Devil didn’t like it, so he put in to break ’em up.

Every scheme the Devil would figure out their love would overcome. So de Devil met a woman named Sarah one day and she was barefooted. De Devil said to her: “Whut you doin barefooted?”

She says: “I ain’t able to buy no shoes.”

Devil says to her: “I got a job for you and if you ’complish dat job I’ll give give you a pair of new shoes.”

She says: “All right.”

Devil says: “You know dat young man and his wife?”

She says: “Yes.”

Devil says: “I been trying a long time to break ’em up, but every scheme I have don’t take no effect. I give it up.”

Woman says: “I’ll break ’em up if you gimme dem shoes.”

So de woman went to de house, de man was in de field plowing and she seen him before she got there. He had a mole on his neck. So she went to de house. Before he got there de woman was bragging about the husband. She says: “He is handsome, but there is one thing I don’t like him. Dat mole on his neck. You cut dat off and he will be perfect.”