Excalibur (11 page)

‘Then we will hide on the islands while Fissure goes back to the bandits and leads them to the island,' said Morgan le Fey.

‘How will I know which is the Island of Excalibur and which island is the Spare Island of Excalibur?' said the young vampire.

‘You won't,' said Fenestra. ‘Only one person will know that and that will be the One True King of Avalon and even he won't know until he pulls the One True Excalibur out of the rock.'

‘What happens if he chooses the wrong one?'

‘No one really knows,' said the vulture, ‘but the soothsayers have been saying all sort of scary sooths about violent storms and the end of the world and pimples, but then you know what soothsayers are like.'

‘So I'll just lead them to either island, shall I?' said Fissure.

‘Haven't got any choice, have you?' said Morgan le Fey. ‘I mean, either island is either island or not, isn't it?'

Fissure flew back to the tower where Brat and his cronies were waiting.

‘I have spoken to my aunt and she says that tonight the island where Excalibur is will be revealed,' he said.

‘Tonight? Tonight?' said Princess Floridian. ‘That's a bit suspicious, isn't it? Here we are looking for the sword and by an amazing coincidence tonight is the very night it's going to be revealed.'

‘Well, tonight is midsummer's eve,' said Fissure. ‘That's when the flowers open up.'

‘Flowers, what flowers?' said the Princess. ‘I don't like it. It sounds like a trap.'

‘Fair enough,' said Fissure. ‘I'll go home then.'

‘No, no,' said the Princess. ‘Here, have a bit of sausage.'

‘No, thanks,' said Fissure. ‘I've gone off the idea of sausage. I think being a spy is worth a lot more than a sausage.'

‘Oh yes? Like what?'

‘Well,' said the young vampire. ‘Correct me if I'm wrong, but all that pretending you weren't really interested in Excalibur and were just looking for a friend was a load of old garbage, wasn't it? You are totally obsessed with the sword and the invincible power it gives to its owner, aren't you?'

‘Umm, no, er,' said the Princess.

She was thrown completely off guard by Fissure. She had thought he was just a stupid gullible flying bird-creature with pointy teeth.

‘If I'm wrong, just say so,' said the vampire, ‘and I'll leave.'

‘No, no, don't go,' said the Princess.

She went over to the window where Fissure was sitting on the sill and spoke in a low voice so the others couldn't hear her.

‘Why don't you and I become partners,' she whispered. ‘You seem like a smart boy, not like these idiots I'm stuck here with.'

‘Go on.'

‘That idiot Brat, who managed to get thrown off the throne, thinks he is the rightful owner of Excalibur. He thinks he can pull it out of the stone and then reclaim Avalon.'

‘And?'

‘Well, maybe he can,' said Princess Floridian. ‘So if we work together, we can wait until he has freed the sword and then overpower him and kill him. Then we can take over Avalon.'

‘What about potato boy?'

‘He can't even fit through the window, never mind sit on the dragon's back. I wouldn't worry about him.'

‘And the dragon?'

‘He'll do as he's told,' said the Princess. ‘So, are you up for it?'

‘All right, but you've still got to pay me,' said Fissure. ‘I mean, how do I know you won't try and kill me too?'

‘What do you want?'

‘The ruby.'

‘Ruby, what ruby?'

‘Hey, us vampires know everything,' said Fissure, hoping the Princess wouldn't make him prove it. ‘You give me the ruby and I will lead you to the Island of Excalibur this very night.'

‘Do you know how much it's worth?' said the Princess.

‘Yes, less than a tenth of a quarter of half a percent of the wealth that Excalibur could bring you.'

‘But…'

‘I've had enough of this,' said the boy who would one day become King of the Vampires. ‘You're too indecisive. I'm off.'

‘No, no, no,' cried the Princess. ‘I'll give you the ruby.'

‘Show me it,' said Fissure.

The Princess reached into her dress and took the stone out from its secret pocket.

‘As soon as we have Excalibur, it will be yours.'

‘No. Once you have the sword, you could kill me and keep everything. I want the stone now.'

‘But what guarantee do I have that you'll will come back tonight and lead me to the island?'

‘None at all,' said Fissure. ‘You'll just have to take that risk.'

‘But…'

‘I can see you are torn,' said Fissure, licking his fangs. ‘So let's forget the whole thing.'

The Princess handed the ruby to Fissure.

‘I will return at midnight,' he said and flew back across the castle to Morgan le Fey and Sir Lancelot.

The Princess and the fearless knight were very impressed when Fissure showed them the ruby. Not so much his auntie Fenestra.

‘What are you going to do with that then?' she said.

‘Umm, er,' said Fissure, ‘but it's worth ten million gold crowns.'

‘And what would you do with ten million gold crowns?'

‘Umm, er, umm. I could buy … umm. How much do blood sausages cost?'

‘Stupid boy,' said Fenestra.

Fissure flew over to the vampire tower and put the ruby in his toy box along with his rabbit's heart football and his dried kitten slippers.

‘I think it's time we sent for your brother,' said Sir Lancelot. ‘I think he should know what's going on.'

‘You're right,' Morgan le Fey agreed, ‘Merlin too. His experience will guide us. Aft er all, he guided my father to victory through several wars so this will be simple by comparison. My instinct is to get a few soldiers, grab them all and kill them. Merlin, no doubt, will take a more subtle approach that will probably be wiser.'

Morgan le Fey sent for her brother and the old wizard and told them what was happening.

‘Fetch King Kasterwheel too,' said Morgan le Fey, ‘that he may be reunited with his daughter, though I don't know that he will want her back.'

‘Excellent,' said Merlin. ‘This will be the perfect opportunity to kill lots of birds with one stone.'

‘Indeed,' said Morgan le Fey. ‘We'll capture the
wretched runaways and my beloved brother can claim Excalibur. This will be a night for the history books, a night that will become a legend.'

Bit like you, gorgeous
, she thought as she glanced at Sir Lancelot, a knight who was already a legend.

‘Maybe not just one stone, but a lot of stones and some very pointy weapons too,' said the wizard.

‘Now you are talking my kind of language,' said Lancelot and he sent for four boatloads of heavily armed soldiers.

As midnight approached, everyone went down to the water's edge and waited for a signal from the vampires, who were now floating above the islands, that the rare and beautiful flower had opened.

‘By the way, my child,' said Merlin, ‘when all this is over, you must tell me how you can get the vampires to do your bidding.'

Morgan le Fey was surprised and delighted that the old wizard had no inkling of her relationship with Fenestra.

It must be the only thing in all of Camelot that he knows nothing about
, she smiled to herself.
Unless, of course, he's bluffing and playing a game
.

But he wasn't.

He knew nothing of the friendship between the Princess and the vampires. Had he done so, he would have moved heaven and earth to stop it. A princess with a small army of vampire bats would be too formidable a threat for him to deal with.

For their part, the vampires did not like Merlin. In common with nearly every human, they did not trust him.

Meanwhile, above the lake all the vampires glided back and forth across the lake watching for the magic moment. Every single vampire was there, even the ancient Lucestays. As she was completely blind, it had been cruel and pointless waking the ancient bat, but that's the sort of thing vampires do.

‘Oh no,' said Morgan le Fey, ‘I think it's beginning to rain.'

But it wasn't. Lucestays the Ancient who w as also Lucestays the Incontinent had just flown overhead.

The first sonar signal came in a few minutes after midnight followed three minutes later by the second. Merlin waved his special weather-controlling wand and a layer of thick clouds covered the moon as the
four boats rowed silently towards the islands.

As soon as they had landed and everyone had hidden behind a tree or a sleeping donkey,
⁵⁰
small fires was lit on each island to act as beacons and Fissure flew back up to the tower where Brat, Bloat and Princess Floridian were waiting for him.

Scraper was waiting too, but he hadn't the faintest idea what he was waiting for, which was basically the story of his whole life. At least it meant that when Brat and the Princess flew off on Bloat's back leaving him behind, he wouldn't be too upset.

‘I have a really, really important job for you,' Brat told him as they prepared to leave.

‘A spy has told me that someone is coming to
steal the door handle to this very room. While we are out, you must guard the handle with your life. OK?'

‘Are they go to steal this handle on the inside of the door?' said Scraper, ‘or the one on the outside.'

‘Both.'

‘Can I have an assistant then?'

‘No, just leave the door half-open so you can watch both handles at once,' said the Princess.

Brat and Princess Floridian climbed onto Bloat's back and followed Fissure out of the window. They flew down through the dark night towards the lake where the two fires twinkled like a pair of eyes.

‘Which one's got the sword?' Princess Floridian shouted.

‘I don't know,' Fissure called back.

He hovered in the air until Bloat caught up with him.

‘That's ridiculous,' said the Princess.

‘No one knows,' said the young vampire, ‘but there's only two to choose from. If it's not one, it'll be the other.'

He landed by the nearest fire while the Princess told Bloat to land on the other island fifty metres away.
The islands were identical down to the last blade of grass so there was no way of knowing which one held the true Excalibur.

‘This has all been too easy,' she said. ‘I think it could be a trap.'

Naturally, as soon as the flowers had been spotted, Sir Lancelot had hidden soldiers on the two islands. They now emerged from the darkness and threw a large net over the arrivals, making it impossible for the young dragon to fly off.

‘So this is the right island then,' said Princess Floridian.

‘Not necessarily,' said Sir Lancelot, stepping forward and drawing his sword. ‘The young vampire was telling the truth when he said no one knows which of the twin islands holds the true Excalibur.'

‘Are you the great Sir Lancelot?' said Princess Floridian.

‘I am indeed.'

‘Oh praise be,' said the Princess, falling off Bloat's back in a faint. ‘Good knight, I have been grossly mistreated, kidnapped and dragged away from my beloved father by this evil boy and his dragon. If you
will slay them and rescue me, I am sure my father will reward you handsomely and, dare I say it, give you my hand in marriage.'

‘Is that so, my lady?'

‘It is indeed, oh great and noble knight.'

Princess Floridian grabbed a handful of mud and, turning away, rubbed it into her hair and all over her face.

‘Can you not see, my lord, how I have been maltreated?' the Princess continued. ‘I have been thrown in mud and covered in dragon's spit and had nasty pointy bits of grass poked up my pert yet dainty nose.'

‘Well, well,' said Sir Lancelot. ‘We can't have your legendary beauty all muddy and bespoiled, can we?'