Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close (10 page)

He told me it's 9:38, he looked so much like me, I could tell that he saw it, too, we shared the smile of recognizing ourselves in each other, how many imposters do I have? Do we all make the same mistakes, or has one of us gotten it right, or even just a bit less wrong, am I the imposter? I just told myself the time, and I'm thinking of your mother, how young and old she is, how she carries around her money in an envelope, how she makes me wear suntan lotion no matter what the weather, how she sneezes and says, 'God bless me,' God bless her. She's at home now, writing her life story, she's typing while I'm leaving, unaware of the chapters to come. It was my suggestion, and at the time I thought it was a very good one, I thought maybe if she could express herself rather than suffer herself, if she had a way to relieve the burden, she lived for nothing more than living, with nothing to get inspired by, to care for, to call her own, she helped out at the store, then came home and sat in her big chair and stared at her magazines, not at them but through them, she let the dust accumulate on her shoulders. I pulled my old typewriter from the closet and set her up in the guest room with everything she'd need, a card table for a desk, a chair, paper, some glasses, a pitcher of water, a hotplate, some flowers, crackers, it wasn't a proper office but it would do, she said, 'But it's a Nothing Place,' I wrote, 'What better place to write your life story?' She said, 'My eyes are crummy,' I told her they were good enough, she said, 'They barely work,' putting her fingers over them, but I knew she was just embarrassed by the attention, she said, 'I don't know how to write,' I told her there's nothing to know, just let it come out, she put her hands on the typewriter, like a blind person feeling someone's face for the first time, and said, 'I've never used one of these before,' I told her, 'Just press the keys,' she said she would try, and though I'd known how to use a typewriter since I was a boy, trying was more than I ever could do. For months it was the same, she would wake up at 4 A.M. and go to the guest room, the animals would follow her, I would come here, I wouldn't see her again until breakfast, and then after work we'd go our separate ways and not see each other until it was time to fall asleep, was I worried about her, putting all of her life into her life story, no, I was so happy for her, I remembered the feeling she was feeling, the exhilaration of building the world anew, I heard from behind the door the sounds of creation, the letters pressing into the paper, the pages being pulled from the machine, everything being, for once, better than it was and as good as it could be, everything full of meaning, and then one morning this spring, after years of working in solitude. She said, 'I'd like to show you something.' I followed her to the guest room, she pointed in the direction of the card table in the corner, on which the typewriter was wedged between two stacks of paper of about the same height, we walked over together, she touched everything on the table and then handed me the stack on the left, she said, 'My Life.'

'Excuse me?' I asked by shrugging my shoulders, she tapped the page, 'My Life,' she said again, I riffled the pages, there must have been a thousand of them, I put the stack down, 'What is this?' I asked by putting her palms on the tops of my hands and then turning my palms upward, flipping her hands off mine, 'My Life,' she said, so proudly, 'I just made it up to the present moment. Just now. I'm all caught up with myself. The last thing I wrote was 'I'm going to show him what I've written. I hope he loves it.' I picked up the pages and wandered through them, trying to find the one on which she was born, her first love, when she last saw her parents, and I was looking for Anna, too, I searched and searched, I got a paper cut on my forefinger and bled a little flower onto the page on which I should have seen her kissing somebody, but this was all I saw:

I wanted to cry but I didn't cry, I probably should have cried, I should have drowned us there in the room, ended our suffering, they would have found us floating face-down in two thousand white pages, or buried under the salt of my evaporated tears, I remembered, just then and far too late, that years before I had pulled the ribbon from the machine, it had been an act of revenge against the typewriter and against myself, I'd pulled it into one long thread, unwinding the negative it held – the future homes I had created for Anna, the letters I wrote without response – as if it would protect me from my actual life. But worse – it's unspeakable, write it! – I realized that your mother couldn't see the emptiness, she couldn't see anything. I knew that she'd had difficulty, I'd felt her grasp my arm when we walked, I'd heard her say, 'My eyes are crummy,' but I thought it was a way to touch me, another figure of speech, why didn't she ask for help, why, instead, did she ask for all of those magazines and papers if she couldn't see them, was that how she asked for help? Was that why she held so tightly to railings, why she wouldn't cook with me watching, or change her clothes with me watching, or open doors? Did she always have something to read in front of her so she wouldn't have to look at anything else? All of the words I'd written to her over all of those years, had I never said anything to her at all? 'Wonderful,' I told her by rubbing her shoulder in a certain way that we have between us, 'it's wonderful.'

'Go ahead,' she said, 'Tell me what you think.' I put her hand on the side of my face, I tilted my head toward my shoulder, in the context in which she thought our conversation was taking place that meant, 'I can't read it here like this. I'll take it to the bedroom, I'll read it slowly, carefully, I'll give your life story what it deserves.' But in what I knew to be the context of our conversation it meant, 'I have failed you.'

The first time Anna and I made love was behind her father's shed, the previous owner had been a farmer, but Dresden started to overtake the surrounding villages and the farm was divided into nine plots of land, Anna's family owned the largest. The walls of the shed collapsed one autumn afternoon – 'a leaf too many,' her father joked – and the next day he made new walls of shelves, so that the books themselves would separate inside from outside. (The new, overhanging roof protected the books from rain, but during the winter the pages would freeze together, come spring, they let out a sigh.) He made a little salon of the space, carpets, two small couches, he loved to go out there in the evenings with a glass of whiskey and a pipe, and take down books and look through the wall at the center of the city. He was an intellectual, although he wasn't important, maybe he would have been important if he had lived longer, maybe great books were coiled within him like springs, books that could have separated inside from outside. The day Anna and I made love for the first time, he met me in the yard, he was standing with a disheveled man whose curly hair sprang up in every direction, whose glasses were bent, whose white shirt was stained with the fingerprints of his print-stained hands, 'Thomas, please meet my friend Simon Goldberg.' I said hello, I didn't know who he was or why I was being introduced to him, I wanted to find Anna, Mr. Goldberg asked me what I did, his voice was handsome and broken, like a cobblestone street, I told him, 'I don't do anything,' he laughed, 'Don't be so modest,' Anna's father said. 'I want to be a sculptor.' Mr. Goldberg took off his glasses, untucked his shirt from his pants, and cleaned his lenses with his shirttail. 'You want to be a sculptor?' I said, 'I am trying to be a sculptor.' He put his glasses back on his face, pulling the wire earpieces behind his ears, and said, 'In your case, trying is being.'

'What do you do?' I asked, in a voice more challenging than I'd wanted. He said, 'I don't do anything anymore.' Anna's father told him, 'Don't be so modest,' although he didn't laugh this time, and he told me, 'Simon is one of the great minds of our age.'

'I'm trying,' Mr. Goldberg said to me, as if only the two of us existed. 'Trying what?' I asked, in a voice more concerned than I'd wanted, he took off his glasses again, 'Trying to be.' While her father and Mr. Goldberg spoke inside the makeshift salon, whose books separated inside from outside, Anna and I went for a walk over the reeds that lay across the gray-green clay by what once was a stall for horses, and down to where you could see the edge of the water if you knew where and how to look, we got mud halfway up our socks, and juice from the fallen fruit we kicked out of our way, from the top of the property we could see the busy train station, the commotion of the war grew nearer and nearer, soldiers went east through our town, and refugees went west, or stayed there, trains arrived and departed, hundreds of them, we ended where we began, outside the shed that was a salon. 'Let's sit down,' she said, we lowered ourselves to the ground, our backs against the shelves, we could hear them talking inside and smell the pipe smoke that seeped between the books, Anna started kissing me, 'But what if they come out?' I whispered, she touched my ears, which meant their voices would keep us safe. She put her hands all over me, I didn't know what she was doing, I touched every part of her, what was I doing, did we understand something that we couldn't explain? Her father said, 'You can stay for as long as you need. You can stay forever.' She pulled her shirt over her head, I held her breasts in my hands, it was awkward and it was natural, she pulled my shirt over my head, in the moment I couldn't see, Mr. Goldberg laughed and said, 'Forever,' I heard him pacing in the small room, I put my hand under her skirt, between her legs, everything felt on the verge of bursting into flames, without any experience I knew what to do, it was exactly as it had been in my dreams, as if all the information had been coiled within me like a spring, everything that was happening had happened before and would happen again, 'I don't recognize the world anymore,' Anna's father said, Anna rolled onto her back, behind a wall of books through which voices and pipe smoke escaped, 'I want to make love,' Anna whispered, I knew exactly what to do, night was arriving, trains were departing, I lifted her skirt, Mr. Goldberg said, 'I've never recognized it more,' and I could hear him breathing on the other side of the books, if he had taken one from the shelf he would have seen everything. But the books protected us. I was in her for only a second before I burst into flames, she whimpered, Mr. Goldberg stomped his foot and let out a cry like a wounded animal, I asked her if she was upset, she shook her head no, I fell onto her, resting my cheek against her chest, and I saw your mother's face in the second-floor window, 'Then why are you crying?' I asked, exhausted and experienced, 'War!' Mr. Goldberg said, angry and defeated, his voice trembling: 'We go on killing each other to no purpose! It is war waged by humanity against humanity, and it will only end when there's no one left to fight!' She said, 'It hurt.'

Every morning before breakfast, and before I come here, your mother and I go to the guest room, the animals follow us, I thumb through the blank pages and gesture laughter and gesture tears, if she asks what I'm laughing or crying about, I tap my finger on the page, and if she asks, 'Why?' I press her hand against her heart, and then against my heart, or I touch her forefinger to the mirror, or touch it, quickly, against the hotplate, sometimes I wonder if she knows, I wonder in my Nothingest moments if she's testing me, if she types nonsense all day long, or types nothing at all, just to see what I'll do in response, she wants to know if I love her, that's all anyone wants from anyone else, not love itself but the knowledge that love is there, like new batteries in the flashlight in the emergency kit in the hall closet, 'Don't let anyone see it,' I told her that morning she first showed it to me, and maybe I was trying to protect her, and maybe I was trying to protect myself, 'We'll have it be our secret until it's perfect. We'll work on it together. We'll make it the greatest book anyone has ever written.'

'You think that's possible?' she asked, outside, leaves fell from the trees, inside, we were letting go of our concern for that kind of truth, 'I do,' I said by touching her arm, 'If we try hard enough.' She reached her hands in front of her and found my face, she said, 'I'm going to write about this.' Ever since that day I've been encouraging her, begging her, to write more, to shovel deeper, 'Describe his face,' I tell her, running my hand over the empty page, and then, the next morning, 'Describe his eyes,' and then, holding the page to the window, letting it fill with light, 'Describe his irises,' and then, 'His pupils.' She never asks, 'Whose?' She never asks, 'Why?' Are they my own eyes on those pages? I've seen the left stack double and quadruple, I've heard of asides that have become tangents that have become passages that have become chapters, and I know, because she told me, that what was once the second sentence is now the second-to-last. Just two days ago she said that her life story was happening faster than her life, 'What do you mean?' I asked with my hands, 'So little happens,' she said, 'and I'm so good at remembering.'

'You could write about the store?'

'I've described every diamond in the case.'

'You could write about other people.'

'My life story is the story of everyone I've ever met.'

'You could write about your feelings.' She asked, 'Aren't my life and my feelings the same thing?'

I have so much to tell you, the problem isn't that I'm running out of time, I'm running out of room, this book is filling up, there couldn't be enough pages, I looked around the apartment this morning for one last time and there was writing everywhere, filling the walls and mirrors, I'd rolled up the rugs so I could write on the floors, I'd written on the windows and around the bottles of wine we were given but never drank, I wear only short sleeves, even when it's cold, because my arms are books, too. But there's too much to express. I'm sorry. That's what I've been trying to say to you, I'm sorry for everything. For having said goodbye to Anna when maybe I could have saved her and our idea, or at least died with them. I'm sorry for my inability to let the unimportant things go, for my inability to hold on to the important things. I'm sorry for what I'm about to do to your mother and to you. I'm sorry I'll never get to see your face, and feed you, and tell you bedtime stories. I've tried in my own way to explain myself, but when I think of your mother's life story, I know that I haven't explained a thing, she and I are no different, I've been writing Nothing, too. 'The dedication,' she said to me this morning, just a few hours ago, when I went to the guest room for the last time, 'Read it.' I touched my fingers to her eyelids and opened her eyes wide enough to convey every possible meaning, I was about to leave her behind without saying goodbye, to turn my back on a marriage of millimeters and rules, 'Do you think it's too much?' she asked, bringing me back to her invisible dedication, I touched her with my right hand, not knowing to whom she had dedicated her life story, 'It's not silly, is it?' I touched her with my right hand, and I was missing her already, I wasn't having second thoughts, but I was having thoughts, 'It's not vain?' I touched her with my right hand, and for all I knew she'd dedicated it to herself, 'Does it mean everything to you?' she asked, this time putting her finger on what wasn't there, I touched her with my left hand, and for all I knew she'd dedicated it to me. I told her that I had to get going. I asked her, with a long series of gestures that would have made no sense to anyone else, if she wanted anything special. 'You always get it right,' she said. 'Some nature magazines?' (I flapped her hands like wings.) 'That would be nice.'

'Maybe something with art in it?' (I took her hand, like a brush, and painted an imaginary painting in front of us.) 'Sure.' She walked me to the door, as she always did, 'I might not be back before you fall asleep,' I told her, putting my open hand on her shoulder and then easing her cheek onto my palm. She said, 'But I can't fall asleep without you.' I held her hands against my head and nodded that she could, we walked to the door, navigating a Something path. 'And what if I can't fall asleep without you?' I held her hands against my head and nodded, 'And what if?' I nodded, 'Answer me what,' she said, I shrugged my shoulders, 'Promise me you'll take care,' she said, pulling the hood of my coat over my head, 'Promise me you'll take extra-special care. I know you look both ways before you cross the street, but I want you to look both ways a second time, because I told you to.' I nodded. She asked, 'Are you wearing lotion?' With my hands I told her, 'It's cold out. You have a cold.' She asked, 'But are you?' I surprised myself by touching her with my right hand. I could live a lie, but not bring myself to tell that small one. She said, 'Hold on,' and ran inside the apartment and came back with a bottle of lotion. She squeezed some into her hand, rubbed her hands together, and spread it on the back of my neck, and on the tops of my hands, and between my fingers, and on my nose and forehead and cheeks and chin, everything that was exposed, in the end I was the clay and she was the sculptor, I thought, it's a shame that we have to live, but it's a tragedy that we get to live only one life, because if I'd had two lives, I would have spent one of them with her. I would have stayed in the apartment with her, torn the blueprint from the door, held her on the bed, said, 'I want two rolls,' sang, 'Start spreading the news,' laughed, 'Ha ha ha!' cried, 'Help!' I would have spent that life among the living. We rode the elevator down together and walked to the threshold, she stopped and I kept going. I knew I was about to destroy what she'd been able to rebuild, but I had only one life. I heard her behind me. Because of myself, or despite myself, I turned back, 'Don't cry,' I told her, by putting her fingers on my face and pushing imaginary tears up my cheeks and back into my eyes, 'I know,' she said as she wiped the real tears from her cheeks, I stomped my feet, this meant, 'I won't go to the airport.'

'Go to the airport,' she said, I touched her chest, then pointed her hand out toward the world, then pointed her hand at her chest, 'I know,' she said, 'Of course I know that.' I held her hands and pretended we were behind an invisible wall, or behind the imaginary painting, our palms exploring its surface, then, at the risk of saying too much, I held one of her hands over my eyes, and the other over her eyes, 'You are too good to me,' she said, I put her hands on my head and nodded yes, she laughed, I love it when she laughs, although the truth is I am not in love with her, she said, 'I love you,' I told her how I felt, this is how I told her: I held her hands out to her sides, I pointed her index fingers toward each other and slowly, very slowly, moved them in, the closer they got, the more slowly I moved them, and then, as they were about to touch, as they were only a dictionary page from touching, pressing on opposite sides of the word 'love,' I stopped them, I stopped them and held them there. I don't know what she thought, I don't know what she understood, or what she wouldn't allow herself to understand, I turned around and walked away from her, I didn't look back, I won't. I'm telling you all of this because I'll never be your father, and you will always be my child. I want you to know, at least, that it's not out of selfishness that I am leaving, how can I explain that? I can't live, I've tried and I can't. If that sounds simple, it's simple like a mountain is simple. Your mother suffered, too, but she chose to live, and lived, be her son and her husband. I don't expect that you'll ever understand me, much less forgive me, you might not even read these words, if your mother gives them to you at all. It's time to go. I want you to be happy, I want that more than I want happiness for myself, does that sound simple? I'm leaving. I'll rip these pages from this book, take them to the mailbox before I get on the plane, address the envelope to 'My Unborn Child,' and I'll never write another word again, I am gone, I am no longer here. With love, Your father